How to get rid of love addiction
We consider what a love addiction is. Symptoms and methods to get rid of love addiction yourself.
Every era has its own cult. There are cults that are rooted in antiquity and still continue to perturb the minds of humanity as a whole and each of us in particular. This is the cult of love.
Love has no unambiguous definition, and the older a person gets, the harder it is for him to understand what it means. Ask a child what love is, and he will definitely give you the answer: it’s taking care of your friends, the desire to spend time with them and share toys, it’s mom, who kisses and hugs you, and you want to kiss and hug her back. It’s when the sun is shining and the weather is beautiful and you can play in the yard all day and then eat ice cream on the bench and laugh at jokes – your own and other people’s.
Children understand love more easily, and perhaps that’s why they see great happiness in it. Strange, because it is believed that the real awareness of love comes much later!
How to get rid of love addiction
It is deceptive to put all interest in life in dependence on such tumultuous feelings as love.
What is love addiction?
As people age, what they understand as love somehow begins to bring them suffering. Not seeing the object of their lofty feelings, they become despondent, unable to rejoice in anything, desperately waiting for a message or a meeting. Everything that has hitherto been important to them loses its meaning: the abyss of despair drags on, and life turns into waiting for a meeting or a conversation.
But even being with the object of their feelings all the time rarely brings relief of suffering: there is a manic desire to be with the person around the clock, to absorb all his time, and – to be honest – to completely dissolve in him. At this stage, most relationships, even those that were previously quite harmonious, begin to fall apart: no one likes it when their freedom is infringed upon.
The lover, of course, gets friendly support: most of his friends have experienced this kind of thing many times, and will definitely say that time will heal all the wounds. You need to take care of yourself, distract yourself, and maybe become an ideal to match the object of your fantasies. Few will voice one simple truth: Everything that happens has nothing to do with love .
Why have we given the example of how love is seen by children? Because they are not yet experiencing any suffering in thinking about love. As we get older, society, classic novels, songs played on the radio teach us more and more that love involves suffering. That experiencing terrible anguish is right, because thousands have already been in our shoes, and thousands will be someday.
The truth is that love has nothing to do with the suffering with which it is somehow identified. If one cannot live a day (as many songs sing) without the object of one’s passion, that is no reason to throw all one’s energy into making an impregnable fortress surrender. This is an occasion to begin an honest dialogue with yourself and recognize one immutable truth: what is happening to you, alas, this is not love, but the very real addiction. And the torments you are experiencing are not the symptoms that accompany true love. Rather, they are similar to what drug addicts experience when they are unable to get their dose of the drug.
The nature of love addiction
Love addiction is a complicated thing and not fully understood. Experts still do not agree on why some people are susceptible to it and others are not. Nevertheless, there is a group of people (most of them are women) who may encounter it in their life path.
As a rule, romantic natures, prone to daydreaming and idealization, find an object, at least approximately corresponding to their ideal, and add to its image the necessary features, which it sometimes does not possess at all. Another and, alas, quite a large group – these are insecure people who suffer from low self-esteem. Even the duty compliments and light flirting can ignite them and fall in love with a man who is completely unaware of the power of his polite smile.
Such women are inwardly afraid that this is the last person who will pay attention to them, and so they cling to him as a straw. Alas, they have little chance of winning a decent place in the life of the object of their lust: few people will be interested in a woman who identifies herself with the dog at her master’s feet.
Symptoms of love addiction
- Inability to concentrate Even the most important matters and problems fall by the wayside. You can spend the whole day waiting for a phone call, forgetting about your direct duties, and your former interests and hobbies no longer inspire in you enthusiasm.
- Obsessive thoughts The image of your lover or sweetheart haunts you around the clock. You fall asleep and wake up thinking about when you can meet next time, you are terribly worried if the meeting will not take place, and the thought that he or she can have another half, can drive you to hysteria. The image haunts you around the clock: you are constantly playing in your head possible ways to meet and talk.
- Nervousness Lovingly addicted people get irritated for any reason, especially if they can not be near the object of their passions. This can alienate them from friends and loved ones.
- Depression Love addiction is almost always accompanied by depression: the addict does not feel the reciprocity and falls into despair, starting to look for flaws in themselves and trying to fix them. He is constantly in a bad mood, and the only thing that can somehow improve it – it is a passing meeting or conversation.
Test: Do you have a love addiction?
“I love him so much I can’t live without him!” a woman thinks, looking at her chosen one. She is deeply convinced that her feelings and thoughts are a manifestation of true love. And there is an eternity ahead of her.
But as the years go by, the happy glow fades in their eyes. Relationships bring less and less joy, and more and more pain and disappointment. The stronger the feelings, the harder the consequences. There is a vicious circle: a man is destroying the woman’s life, and she does not want to let him go, or does not work.
It is not love but love addiction that leads to such a sad outcome. And recognize it at the beginning of a relationship is difficult.
Take our test and find out if you’re not building in your soul mechanism of self-destruction.
- А. My life began to belong to the man I love. I began to spend all the time next to him: to care, to protect, to help (including financially). My former friends and hobbies receded into the background.
- Б. My life was filled with happiness and became more complete, but I remained myself. I still work, I socialize with friends, I have my own interests and hobbies.
- А. I miss him, I call him periodically, but I try not to dwell on his absence. I switch my attention to something else: friends, relatives, hobbies, or work.
- Б. I suffer a lot, calling my beloved several times a day, sending text messages, and I cannot think about anything or anybody else but him.
- А. I accept the one I love for who he is. After all, all people have flaws and virtues.
- Б. I help my partner to get rid of them. I believe that he can and must become a better person.
- А. Romance, passion and good sex.
- Б. Mutual trust, understanding and support.
- А. I am going to be very offended. Why is work more important to him than me?
- Б. Most likely, I would be upset. But I will try to treat the situation with understanding, it happens.
- А. I am still good with the person I love.
- Б. Marriage at any price! I love my partner, and I do not need anyone else.
- А. I have to know everything about him. First, it reduces the risk that he will be stolen by another woman. Secondly, I need to give my lover the right advice about life. That’s why I often call him and ask him at home about any little things.
- Б. No, our relationship is built on trust.
- А. I am ready!
- Б. No. I want to be not only the woman I love, but also to realize myself.
- А. Yes.
- Б. No.
- А. You must talk him out of this foolishness at all costs.
- Б. I will support my loved one, even if difficulties arise. He has the right to do with his life as he sees fit.
- А. We need to support each other, and both contribute to the family budget.
- А. You can forgive the person you love anything.
- Б. No. He who betrays once is also capable of betraying twice.
- А. Of course, because we are one.
- Б. A: A man and a woman can have friends in common. Or they may each have their own. This is normal.
- А. I remain myself and let my partner do the same.
- Б. I try to be the perfect woman for my beloved: a good hostess, a passionate lover, and a faithful friend.
- А. I am calm about myself.
- Б. I am afraid.
- А. Yes. Happiness depends only on ourselves.
- Б. No. Without love, life is incomplete.
- А. Yes.
- Б. Even though my man loves me, I understand in my heart that he could have found a more worthy woman (smart, beautiful, sexy, interesting, caring, and so on).
|Question #||Answer A||Answer B|
You are a harmonious person, and your feelings are filled with light and goodness. You do not lose yourself in love, and therefore you are capable of creating a happy union.
You are in love and tend to idealize your partner. Be careful in your feelings and do not forget about your life: friends and relatives, work, hobbies, interests and goals.
Your feelings have developed into a painful condition – love addiction. This makes you vulnerable. Any wrong move on your partner’s part, and your happiness can crumble like a house of cards. Stop and remember that there are a lot of interesting and useful things in life besides relationships.
How do you fight this addiction?
So how do you fight this addiction?
A love addiction will continue until you realize that this destructive, painful feeling has nothing to do with love. Not only is it not like love, it is the opposite of love, which brings lightness, joy, sowing peace and harmony in your soul.
Do I have to go to a therapist? Many people are advised to visit a specialist, but to get rid of this disease (and another word to pick difficult) can be their own. The first step is awareness. The realization that you keep in your head an image that in reality does not exist. No matter how good this person is. He may have a hundred positive qualities, but that does not make him a God, to whom you willingly pray and to whom you sacrifice your thoughts, feelings and time. No one needs this, especially not you.
In addition to advantages every person has disadvantages. Being in a state of dependence, it is difficult to realize that your ideal is not so perfect, but certain volitional efforts will help you to understand it. So, to get rid of the addiction, you must clearly understand that you want to find peace and harmony in his soul.
Look at your schedule. Maybe you do not work or study enough? You now have too much free time, which you filled with empty dreams? Start doing your direct tasks, find a new hobby that will require mental and physical effort from you.
By forcing yourself to concentrate on other things, you will start to notice that you are worrying less and less about the things that were once bothering you. Sign up for a gym or a foreign language course: meeting new people who share your interests is sure to help you get your mind off things. And success in mastering a new discipline for the better will affect your self-esteem.
The way you see yourself makes a big difference, too. If up to this time you were inspired by the dream of meeting your “soul mate”, it’s better to throw these thoughts out of your head. Do you really think that without a partner you are incomplete? That only having met him, you will finally find yourself, lift your self-esteem, will be happy and live a full life?
Alas, like this attracts like this. Until you realize that the source of your happiness and confidence is in yourself, you will suffer from loneliness or meet people ready to assert themselves at your expense. Do you really love your misery so much that you’re willing to spend your life drowning in self-pity?
If you take care of yourself and truly accept and love yourself, you’ll be surprised at how much your life will change. Only by becoming a full, confident person can you meet true love and understand that sincere feelings have nothing to do with pain and suffering.
Updated: 10/27/2020, 11:00 pm Number of words: 1819 Time to read: 9 min. Print Thank you to the authors for this article, which has already been read 132,787 times! Thanks to our readers who have left 13 comments and have already rated the article 75 times!
How to get rid of love addiction
It’s actually quite difficult. But it is possible. Don’t believe those who tell you that this affliction is with you forever and that only lifelong therapy can help you stay afloat even slightly. Such people can take advantage of your tendency toward addiction and switch you from dependence on your partner to dependence on yourself (even unintentionally, it’s a risk). Therapy is good, but it must lead to results and be limited in time. Therapy needs to have a clear plan and you need to be aware of what’s going on and why it’s the way it is and not the other way around. Obligatory. If the result is not possible, is too vague or depends on you, therapy is meaningless. Especially in the long term. Yes, it is possible to get rid of love addiction. And you need to, if it’s getting in the way of your life. Even if your childhood wasn’t perfect, even if you were unlucky with your parents. It is possible. But it takes strength, patience and activity.
This is a great article…
…for those suffering from love addiction.
One simple informative test will determine the likelihood of success in your recovery from addiction – whether or not you will read this article to the end. Believe me, it will be difficult. Many things may not appeal to you, may seem boring or complicated, and make you want to close by brushing it off. But if you are one of the 10% who have finished reading or the 5% who have applied the information you have received, then your chances of getting out of your misery are greatly increased. I’ll explain why at the end of this article.
For other people not suffering from love addiction or co-dependency, the information will probably also be interesting and useful, but rather for preventive or professional purposes.
So, a total of 6 steps await you on the way to freedom from painful attachment, from “sticking” in love to the person.
What you need to do to get rid of love addiction
The understanding and awareness of addiction.
Step 1 – Understanding and realizing That your feelings are not love, not friendship, not falling in love, but love addiction, “hooking” (or co-dependence, which is much worse, then this scheme may not help to get rid of, but only facilitate the condition). The thing about co-dependency is that there are other people who will desperately resist your healing and getting out of a destructive relationship model, and they may not want to change their lives.)
In order for this realization to happen, you need to do the following:
- Research all the reliable information you can find about love addiction (non-commercial sources are the best places to look). This is to find a form of information that suits you, is understandable to you, and fits harmoniously into your picture of the world. Pay attention to such books and resources (the information is suitable for both men and women, do not be frightened by the names):
- Compare as honestly and non-judgmentally as possible your condition with the signs of love addiction (don’t judge yourself, exaggerate or downplay it)
- Do not confuse love addiction and co-dependence (with co-dependence it is difficult to cope by oneself, the help of a specialist is always needed). Roughly speaking, love addiction is when one is dependent on the other, free. And codependency is when both of them are dependent on each other (and it doesn’t matter what exactly they are dependent on).
Acceptance of love addiction
The 2nd step is. Accepting the fact that you suffer from love addiction. Understanding that it is a love addiction and accepting it in yourself are not the same thing. To understand that you have the disease is not difficult. Accepting the disease is much harder. It is only possible when you stop resisting its presence, stop denying it, stop pretending that everything is okay.
Accepting doesn’t mean being happy and accepting the fact of having a love addiction, but it does mean stopping resisting and humbly putting your head down in the face of what you find difficult to deal with. In the face of something that is bigger and stronger than you. It is only by accepting the uncontrollable negative events in our lives that we are able to accumulate all our strength to transform the situation and, more likely, ourselves and our condition in it.
Because if we do not accept it, we waste our resources in fighting and resisting what is difficult to cope with even if we accept it, and if we don’t accept it, it is completely impossible. What prevents us from living is definitely stronger at the moment. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be a problem with giving up what doesn’t like and hurts. It’s extremely unwise and wasteful to pretend everything is okay and struggle with accepting the situation.
Accepting = being given the opportunity to change something (if not in the situation, then certainly in your attitude towards it and in yourself, which is not ideal)
In order to accept your love addiction you need to:
- Once you see that you have its signs, assess how strong they are and say honestly and unvarnished: I am a love addict (or co-dependent) and I need help. I can’t cope and am willing to listen to someone who knows what to do to end my torment and suffering.
- To complain to a safe loved one (yes, you didn’t mishear that, exactly to complain, i.e. to take the role of the child who cannot cope with something and asks for emotional and psychological support, “crying”). To complain means to take your weak, dependent position, without deceiving anyone, and without misleading yourself first of all. Such a person can be an old friend with whom you feel at ease and who will not betray, will not bully and will not devalue your experiences. Who will accept your weakness and will not let you drown alone in your grief. What you need from a friend is support, not advice. Also, when you complain, you are voicing your dissatisfaction with the situation and your desire to change it.
- Find someone who can help. There are a lot of authors online who write about overcoming love addiction and co-dependency, you need to find someone who you will like. Who will become for you the authority and will be comfortable and understandable in communication (videos, texts, podcasts – this is also communication). You need to find a person whose words influence you favorably. You can usually tell this quite quickly from the author’s articles or videos: if you feel better when you read or listen to them, then this is the right person. It is important for the specialist to be result-oriented, not process-oriented.
- In addition to your own strength, the support of a friend and the strength of a knowledgeable person, it is necessary to call on the help of higher forces. For believers it can be God, for non-believers it can be the Universe, the Cosmos, Nature, the Space of Options and anything else that can make the impossible possible. Anything possible will be done by you, friends and an expert.
The solution to get rid of addiction
Step 3 – Making a firm decision to change your life in order to get rid of addiction and become a productive person. Usually the willingness to change is reflected in determination and inner motivation: you want to do something, but you don’t know what. You are ready to invest any resources just to change. It is important not to miss this moment, because it is on the wave of this motivation that the right actions will quickly lead to the first results. And the first noticeable results will give you another portion of motivation: “everything is not in vain!” and will give you strength for further progress. You’ll get into the wheel of success. On a wave that will take you to the shore of a comfortable life from the abyss of addiction (co-dependency).
The plan for overcoming addiction
Step 4 – Making a plan to get out of love addiction and its implementation. Implementation of the plan made together with the specialist you found involves scrupulous observance of all the points of the plan, no matter how strange, difficult or unimportant they may seem to you. Usually this plan is common sense and does not harm you in any way, on the contrary, it is aimed at your growth in all directions of life. Still, you shouldn’t lose your common sense and should take a critical look and discuss the plan with a friend or mentor before proceeding. Sometimes people suffering from love addiction can, under the influence of their condition, lose touch with reality and fail to notice the destructive points in the plan they make (especially if they make it on their own or with amateur professionals).
It is extremely important to follow the plan strictly because it leads to a shift of attention and a shift from “fixation on the problem” to “fixation on the solution” of the problem (from thoughts to actions). Fixation and getting stuck in such a state is, alas, inevitable, but you can “choose” what to get stuck on. And it’s better to get stuck on doing the right thing than on thinking “why did this happen, why did this happen to you, and when will it all end.
In addition, sticking to a plan gives you the opportunity to share responsibility with whoever is proposing the plan.
Many people recommend that you “take full responsibility for everything that happens in your life,” but for a love addict, this is sometimes an impossible burden to bear. It can frighten and deprive of motivation and belief in success (because addictions are often accompanied by lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem).
We cannot put all the responsibility on the shoulders of the person who is suffering, it is like putting the responsibility for treating an illness entirely on the person who is ill. This is cruel, to say the least. After all, the doctor prescribes the treatment, and he is responsible for the recommendations, and must act in the best interest of the person who turned to him for help. But implementation of recommendations and following the plan is really entirely in the hands of the patient. But again, this is possible when the doctor and the patient work together as partners, not as a boss and a subordinate.
For a sufferer of love addiction, taking full responsibility for getting rid of a painful condition means either feeling constant guilt over the lack of success or progress in getting rid of the disease, or feeling a constant overwhelming desire to quit the whole struggle, because at the very beginning and the first time after starting, following recommendations often mostly causes pain and suffering even greater than the addiction itself (withdrawal syndrome, withdrawal).
In addition, step 2 of the recommendations (accept your addiction), consciously puts you in the position of a child, a weak person, a slave, and this is an irresponsible position. It’s not scary or bad. It’s a fact. There are pros and cons to this position. If you really have a love addiction, there are more pluses than minuses to being a dependent, secondary person. There is an opportunity to really grow and outgrow your addiction in such a position.
It is important that the person you choose as your specialist has online psychological support available as part of their services, that they are available for communication and that contact with them does not cause anxiety and tension.
It is better, of course, that the plan is individualized and takes into account all the peculiarities of your personality and life. But in general terms it is something like this:
- To understand what has become a probable cause of addiction (there are four such causes, I will write a separate article about this). This will determine the active methods to be used by the specialist.
- To determine why you need to get rid of the addiction (to identify the secondary benefits and find possible ways to meet the uncovered needs in other ways). If it is a question of co-dependence with a person close to you, it is necessary to agree with him/her plans on getting rid of co-dependence and, possibly, offer joint work.
- Choose a more suitable way of getting rid of it: revolution (abruptly and immediately, forever, when it is very difficult at first, but then you gradually come to your senses) or evolution (gradually, small steps, without strong stress and without quick results, torture for an indefinite period, but there is no strong pain and no need to test your willpower, the most natural way).
Here you have to remember that love addiction, if you imagine it as a beast living inside you, feeds on your weaknesses. And every time it gets a portion of food when you break down and do something that reinforces the Established pattern of behavior. If you don’t feed it, the beast will die and stop holding you captive, but if you feed it from time to time, even if rarely, the beast has a chance to last a very long time.
- To think through effective ways of shifting attention from the object of dependence to yourself and your own development, to prepare for their unhindered use.
- To think over how to resist the withdrawal syndrome, when after a while one wants to check oneself and do forbidden actions (to use the person’s dose: scour the net, write, call, go to where one lives, think and fantasize, find out information). Perhaps come up with a system of sanctions and rewards for yourself.
- Set deadlines and criteria for success. How much you will spend on getting rid of your love addiction resources and how you will know that the goal has been reached. This is often not quick work, usually 1 month for each full year of life. For example a 32 year old young man needs about 32 months of systematic and purposeful work on himself for personal reconstruction, work with a specialist can reduce this period to a week for each year: our young man a competent specialist will help to overcome his addiction in about 32 weeks.
Although in most cases the relief comes after 2-3 months, afterwards there is a restructuring of the personality structures which determine the presence or absence of dependence or co-dependence:
– Study of own features of physiology, NS, psyche and psychology and their consideration in the construction of an individual model of life;
– working out attitudes to oneself;
– working through attitudes toward others;
– correction of the model of the desired “ideal relationship;
– training in ecological communication skills;
– building a hierarchy as the basis for interpersonal interaction;
– learning to mark and assert boundaries in an environmentally friendly way;
– creating and living in situations of success;
– bringing self-esteem and self-confidence into an adequate state;
– search for variants of resourceful behavior and training of self-help in difficult situations;
– correction of the system of perception of other people and their behavior;
– correction of the model of behavior with a co-dependent partner or the object of love addiction
– other (if necessary, suggested by the specialist).
- On your own, you need to constantly update (remember, try to assimilate) the information about love addiction and co-dependency in order to prevent the repetition of the passed negative experience. It is important not to scroll through your personal situation, but to remember the mechanisms of addiction formation, your own triggers and to observe psychohygiene.
Choosing a new partner
Step 5. Choosing an addiction-free partner and building a new harmonious partnership. Harmonious, balanced are interdependent relationships in which true love has the opportunity to appear and manifest itself, allowing people to become better, self-actualize and be happy in their fullness (no more halves and inability to live without the other).
Support for those who have not yet overcome love addiction
Step 6 – Help and support for those who have not yet overcome a love addiction (co-dependency)
You know how inspiring it is to be in a situation like ours where people have succeeded, overcome adversity and become happy. Become such a positive example, share your experience and knowledge as generously as possible. Don’t spare any kindness or participation. This is the best kind of charity, priceless. When we share what we have learned, that knowledge is much better absorbed and benefits not only us, but also those with whom we share it. When you help and support those who are just starting on the path to recovery from love addiction, you yourself will not turn from this path and will become stronger and stronger. Not everyone has the friends you were talking about in step 2, for some you can be that friend and mentor.
Here’s an explanation for those who read to the end. If you have done this, you have developed willpower. And that is the fuel and the main resource for moving forward toward freedom from addiction. People without willpower rarely see things through to the end and therefore do not succeed. You are reading this, it means that everything will work out for you!