How to cope with a breakup?

How to get over a relationship breakup

Contributor(s): Amy Chan. Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a recovery camp that practices a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after a relationship ends. Her team of psychologists and coaches have helped hundreds of people in just 2 years, and the camp has been featured by CNN, Vogue, The New York Times and Fortune. Her debut book, Breakup Bootcamp, will be published by HarperCollins in January 2020.

Number of sources used in this article: 12. You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.

Number of views of this article: 80 416.

Ending a relationship is always hard, whether it was your decision or your partner’s. You are hurting, and you want it to end sooner. There are several ways you can help you cope and move on: describe your feelings, allow yourself to grieve, take your time to get into a new relationship. Remember that time heals, and have patience. If, however, and over time you will not get better, you can always ask for support from family and friends, and if necessary – to a therapist.

  • If he or she is trying to convince you to see each other, honestly ask yourself what the point is. If the meeting forces you to mentally go back in time, it will be too easy to give in to the moment impulse – but even harder to come to terms again.
  • If contact is unavoidable for practical reasons – for example, you need to move your stuff from your partner, sign documents and the like – try to keep communication to an absolute minimum. Let calls or meetings be brief and businesslike.

  • Clean up your room, hang new posters, clear the computer desktop from unnecessary icons. No matter how insignificant cleaning may seem to you, you will feel better after it.

  • If you have a memorable gift from a former partner, such as a watch or jewelry, there is nothing wrong with keeping it. However, try to put it away and not reach for it until the relationship is finally over for you.

  • Don’t let it feel like you are obligated to spend time with other people all the time. Go out to do the things you love and enjoy your freedom. Go to your favorite coffee shop, go shopping, or take a mini-vacation.

Don’t rush headlong into a new relationship. Often people after a breakup immediately enter a new relationship to forget the previous one. However, this idea is not always wise. By starting to date someone too soon, we are often just trying to suppress the negative emotions with the excitement and impressions that the new relationship brings us. However, if they fail as well, the pain of two breakups will come upon you at once. It’s better to be without your partner for a while until you get over your emotions and are really ready to start over. [5] X Source of Information

Breaking up with a loved one

Breaking up a loving relationship is always hard, and for both parties. Often the separation brings pain, devastation, despair and jealousy … To cope with a turning point in life will help time-tested recommendations psychologist

How to survive: useful tips

Step 1

Honestly answer yourself: how many percent of a hundred do you still hope to get back a lost relationship? Take a piece of paper and write in two columns: what you loved about your partner and what you suffered from. Compare where the more items are.

Step 2.

Analyze the quality of your relationship. If you were abused (psychologically, physically, financially) but still want to return to your lover, you most likely have a psychological addiction to your former partner. Until you solve this problem, you will continue to let destructive partners into your life, which will only bring you misery.

“Think about what was holding you back in the relationship. If it’s children, fear of financial insolvency or loneliness, then you first need to work on issues of personal maturity, not the return of your partner,” comments Natalia Legovtseva, a psychologist from the Moscow Psychological Service for the Population.

Step 3

If you still long for sincere love, respect and the very person (!) of your loved one, tell him openly, without threats or manipulation. Offer to work together on the problems and resentments that have accumulated during your relationship. Ask for a consultation with a family psychologist. So you can at least be able to say to yourself that you did everything you could. If your partner is adamant in his decision to part ways, then you have only to accept his choice and start living your new, separate life.

Step 4

Accept and realize the fact of the breakup. Leave no room for hopes of renewing the relationship. By clinging to a partner who doesn’t love you, you are wasting personal energy and wasting time.

“Break the emotional connection. For example, do your own forgiveness practices, which are publicly available on the Internet, or seek help from a psychologist. The main task is to accept the fact of the breakup, to forgive, to let the person and the situation go. It is very important to work through the resentment, otherwise it will take a lot of strength, health and energy. Ideally, you should feel that you treat your former partner neutrally. This is important in order to be able to build a harmonious relationship in the future. Otherwise, there is a risk of transferring the old load of negative experiences in the new relationship. For example, a former lover has cheated on you. If you do not work through this trauma, it is likely that in a new relationship, you will broadcast groundless jealousy,” explains the psychologist.

Step 5

Stabilize your emotional state. Daily meditation practices, exercise and proper nutrition can help. A body you care about will repay you with happy hormones. You can also learn relaxation skills in psychological rehabilitation sessions.

“Develop psychological literacy. Read literature, attend seminars, webinars and trainings on how to come to emotional maturity and create harmonious relationships,” the psychologist recommends.

Step 6

Find your inner resource. Get away from the sacrificial mindset and expectation that someone has to make you happy. Stop looking outside for love. Become a generator of warmth and light for yourself. Treat the main person in your life (that’s you) with dignity. Find something you enjoy doing and something that will develop you, make you more confident and happier.

“For example, get a new job that ignites you, despite all your fears and limitations. Or finally take up a hobby you’ve been thinking about for a long time. Stop looking for excuses why you can’t do it. So you’ll not only dispel sadness, but also get a chance to meet the person who really suits you, “- a psychologist recommends.

Step 7

Realize and accept the fact that only you are guaranteed to have yourself for the rest of your days. But here’s the paradox: when we know how to take care of ourselves, to take care of themselves, to realize their value and importance, then surrounding people amazingly start to respect us, reaching out to communicate and do not want to lose. It is from such a state – self-love, fullness and happiness – that one can build strong and harmonious relationships. Only by loving oneself can one sincerely and deeply love another.

What not to do

Do not look for guilt.

Express your negative feelings, share the pain with your loved ones, but it should not take up all the space. Your energy and attention deserve to be put to better use.

Don’t try to hold on to your loved one with threats and manipulation

You don’t want the person to stay with you out of fear or pity.

Do not fill the inner emptiness of one-day romances.

You need to give yourself time to heal the breakup of a loved one and face your inner emptiness. Many people skip this important stage, not living through the pain, but running away from it. Unfortunately, going into the arms of someone you don’t love has the opposite effect and the emptiness only gets worse. Give yourself a period (for example, six months), when you will be consciously alone. During this time, engage in the restoration of vital forces, self-development.

Do not try to drown out melancholy with food, stimulants and alcohol.

This dubious method will not bring the desired relief. After the effect of the stimulants passes, you will need new and new doses. The body will eventually retaliate by releasing stress hormones, physiological dependence and excess weight. It is better to tune in to the conscious inner work of emotionally ending a relationship and accepting your current state.

Specialists at the Moscow Psychological Assistance Service provide free individual consultations, as well as trainings and seminars on family relationships.

A single telephone information number: 8 (499) 173-09-09.

A 24-hour psychological emergency phone number “051.

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