How to get rid of jealousy – psychologist tips for women, causes and overcoming
Human relationships – a multifaceted phenomenon that knows no boundaries. Communication can be negative, neutral, positive. There are emotions in the interaction of people disputed, by which you can not immediately understand: in them more good or bad. For example, we can refer to such as jealousy.
What is female jealousy
World culture and history lay down the stereotype that the main jealous is always a man. The clearest example is Shakespeare’s Othello or even quite modern Eastern nations, where men do not want outsiders to even just look at their women.
In fact, the fairer sex is much more prone to jealousy than men. This is a kind of social atavism. Women have long been considered the keepers of the hearth, caring for the home and family, while men more often took on the role of the breadwinner. Once upon a time, for ladies to lose the favor of a particular member of the stronger sex could mean condemning themselves and their children to starvation.
Of course, since then, life has changed dramatically, and the girls have gained their independence, but this vestige of the past still matters. Here play a role still features the fairer sex – it’s their richer imagination, and hormonal background, subjected to constant change, and greater sensitivity, and even a few overestimated requirements for women from society. The result is that the lady is more afraid of losing her partner than he is of losing his companion. However, this statement should not be taken as an axiom – much depends on the upbringing and temperament.
What is jealousy in a woman – it is such a doubt, the uncertainty that her partner is experiencing sincere feelings of love towards the lady. To some men, this feeling seems to be a confirmation of his wife’s love – if he is afraid of losing, then he loves. In fact, it is negative. If you turn to statistics, we can note that in Russia, about 75% of divorces are based on women’s jealousy. And not always she has reason, often being far-fetched.
Where does jealousy come from?
Jealousy – not just a one-time impulse. This long-term, exhausting feeling. Moreover, the tendency to it is laid down long before the object that can be jealous. Types of jealousy in a girl can be:
- Proprietary. For jealous partner looks a certain object, a thing, she herself – the mistress. Thing should belong to the master and even innocent encroachment on it (for example, the conversation with the other girls with the object of jealousy) is perceived as a violation of boundaries, because this girl will be jealous of everything.
- Disadvantaged. The fault of the emergence of this feeling is a woman’s belief that she can not love, that she is not worthy of the man next to her. This happens because of insecurity, internal complexes and problems. This includes a rich fantasy, with the help of which the lady can wind herself up.
- Reflected. If a woman herself cheats on her spouse, she can project suspicions of the same behavior on her husband.
Important! Those who want to know how to stop being jealous of her husband and winding himself up, you need to learn the main rule – do not be afraid to talk about it and seek help from a specialist psychologist. He will help to find the root of the problem and recommend the best way to eliminate it.
See a psychologist
How to fight mistrust
There is an opinion: marriage, relationships should be built on mutual trust. Where there is no trust, there is jealousy and infidelity. This statement is not devoid of truth. Any jealousy – mistrust in the words of a partner, persuading in his loyalty. Replace it with trust, then the problem will cease to be relevant.
That is why the reluctance to believe can and should be fought. Yes, this struggle is not easy, because a person has to confront himself. But all the difficulties are justified. So once a woman thinks that she does not need jealousy, the first thing she must do – to try to overcome mistrust and eradicate jealousy of a man, how to do this is described below.
- Analysis. The desire not to trust may be dictated by a particular situation, can be a continuation of accumulated tension. It is necessary to discuss with the husband the reason for distrust, one-time or long lasting. Any conflict can be resolved constructively.
Spouses discuss the problem.
- Do not be afraid to discuss. Men are structured a little differently. They pay less attention to words and small actions. And they are less empathic than women. Therefore, the girl should prompt, talk about her worries, ask to tell her beloved about his feelings. The guy may not want to hurt his girlfriend, but do not even suspect that his actions offend her. The main thing is not to criticize, not to scold during the discussion.
- Raise your self-esteem. Low self-esteem leads to failure to accept the fact that a woman can love and be faithful to her. So if you want to know how not to be jealous of a man, above all, you need to consider that you need to feel worthy of love. This means working on yourself.
When jealousy is dangerous.
Jealousy is not just an unpleasant feeling that can destroy families. It can become a real problem, causing affective states. It is because of her not only often break up families. Driven to extremes, a jealous person may commit crimes, infringing on the health and lives of the objects of their suspicion. How dangerous jealousy can be:
- Deterioration of the couple’s microclimate. Life in constant suspicion, fear, in constant tension will not have a positive impact on anyone.
- Infidelity. A man, driven to extremes by reproaches and doubts of his chosen one unreasonably, can in fact commit adultery out of spite.
- Obsession. If jealousy should not be brought under control, it can reach the scale of an obsession, paranoid idea, pushing on aggression.
- Negative impact on children. If it concerns a couple’s child, constant conflicts and inadequate behavior of the mother will not have the best effect on the development of his psyche.
- Damage to their own health. Doctors around the world say: stress ruins man. Constant tension, suspicions are also a form of stress.
Spouses in a quarrel.
Always try to keep a cool mind. Feeling the utmost stress, you should stop, wash your face with cold water and drink a glass of it, use the method of counting up to 10. Good help breathing exercises to calm down. It is better to take control of yourself than to bring the situation to irreparable.
What is pathological jealousy
There is also such a thing as pathological jealousy. It is an extreme measure of it. Some psychiatrists believe that it is a disease that borders on mania, a mental disorder. And it can develop both on the background of some pre-existing mental illness, and from constant debilitating suspicions.
The sign of pathological jealousy – the constant search for evidence of adultery partner, the desire to constantly control it. And any denial becomes an extra proof of guilt for the woman, an excuse and an attempt to lull her vigilance. It can come to aggression, violence, constant surveillance. Here “jealousy delusion” appears – the jealous woman’s concoction of her companion’s crimes against herself. The extreme result of such a disorder is suicide or murder. Pathological jealous people are dangerous to society as well as to themselves.
Stalking is a sign of pathological jealousy
Pathological jealousy is treated by a psychotherapist, in critical cases – a psychiatrist. Deal with the disease will help tranquilizers and psychosocial treatments that are assigned individually and carried out by a specialist.
Attention! Get rid of such a mental disorder with the help of drugs is categorically not recommended. We are talking about serious drugs, they must be prescribed by a professional. If there is a suspicion of pathological jealousy, you must visit a psychotherapist.
Jealousy of a woman of a man’s past
Men are often faced with the fact that their current life partner is jealous of the past, of former women chosen. This occurs for such reasons:
- Insecurity. A woman may subconsciously consider herself inferior to those who were around her man before.
- Dissatisfaction with a partner. The girl believes that her spouse treated her previous partners better than her, which means he loved her more.
Jealousy of the past is often used to create feelings of guilt, as a tool of manipulation, because it is important for a jealous woman to constantly receive confirmation of her exclusivity.
It is important to remember! The reason for such jealousy is usually contrived. You should not demand that your spouse forget about his past, you should not turn into a copy of the ex. The best way to overcome this feeling is to be yourself, to improve yourself.
How can a woman overcome jealousy
Who of the fair sex does not know how to get rid of jealousy, psychologist tips for women will be very useful. It is not always clear how to start fighting with this feeling, what to pay attention to.
Are the real reasons for jealousy
Jealousy is not only far-fetched. It may be justified, the partner may actually flirt with others, betraying his wife for personal reasons. First of all, you need to understand why a woman is jealous. Find this out by having a calm and frank conversation. In no case should you express your dissatisfaction, claims, swearing. The goal is not to emphasize your attitude, but to find out the truth.
Spouses discuss the problem.
It is impossible to keep this unpleasant feeling. If its cause exists only in the woman’s subconscious, it must be fought. If it is real, jealousy is still not the answer. Statistically, women are more likely to forgive cheating. The other way out is divorce, getting rid of the broken relationship. Jealousy is the real dead end.
The Importance of Self-Esteem
Society has a mirror effect. The relationships between people largely provoke everyone’s sense of self. An insecure person gets a cool reception, an uninhibited person gets involuntary respect. In addition, low self-esteem entails its own remorse, a sense of inferiority. This leads to jealousy.
A woman should, above all, to understand: the main thing – to love yourself. In the first place in her life should be she herself. All the improvements and achievements should be made to her first and foremost for herself. Of course, do not take everything to an extreme, to a critical selfishness. But to accustom yourself to the independence of others’ opinions is an important step in enhancing your own appreciation.
The second point – you should always improve yourself: both externally and internally. How to do it should be a woman to decide. You can not stand still. The world moves forward every day, every hour. When a man stops moving with it, it begins to seem boring, gray. Standing in place begins to understand this, due to this self-esteem decreases. Of course, the ideal is unattainable, but it is necessary to strive for it.
How to learn to respect a man
Who wants to know how not to wind yourself up, not to be jealous of the guy and stop living in tension, must understand that without respect this can not be achieved. A man is close to his chosen one, it is his choice. He has the right to express his feelings the way he feels right, and he does not have to guess his partner’s preferences at all. He, like any human being, needs the right to personal time and space.
We need to stop evaluating the husband as property, looking at him as an outsider. A couple is not the subordination of one partner to the other, but the coexistence of two personalities. If a woman demands respect for her boundaries and rules, she must respond to the man in the same way. So, you need to control your emotional outbursts, openly and calmly discuss the problems and find a comfortable way out for both sides.
Man and woman respect each other
What psychologists advise
A woman puzzled about how not to be jealous of a man, a psychologist will help with advice, for example, can recommend using the rule of 5 “not”:
- Do not persist. Reasons for jealousy often exist only in a woman’s mind. There is no need to take this suspicion as the only true, because it may be erroneous.
- Don’t put the relationship first. The partner in a woman’s life is important. But you do not need to give him the leading role. The psychology of the family says that the first place should always be the man himself, his interests and needs, on the second – the spouse, on the third – the children. It is this prioritization will lead to a harmonious relationship, not crushing your life partner and children, allowing you to give enough time to yourself.
- Do not demand to forget the past. Forcing your husband to scratch out a piece of the past is to encroach on his personal boundaries. You can ask to mention that period of life less often in communication, but the man will not be able to forget it.
- Not to copy previous passions. There is a principle of the original – it is always better than a copy. Therefore, you should not try to become a pale semblance of the past. Especially since negative emotions may be associated with it. By improving yourself, you can become worthy of the present.
- Don’t insult his exes. That is disrespectful to a loved one. It is his choice of the past, he is entitled to it. Besides, to him it looks like his chosen one shows bad temper and upbringing.
No one is immune from jealousy. It is definitely a feeling on which it is better not to waste precious time and energy.
Female jealousy is quite unpredictable, often dangerous and often dangerous for the ladies themselves. It is generally believed that jealousy is not a loving lady, but a girl who wants to be loved. In fact, jealousy is a natural expression of feelings, but it often becomes a catalyst that provokes the destruction of relationships. Psychology defines female jealousy as a negatively illuminated, hyperbolized sense of ownership towards a chosen one. It is also believed that jealousy is inherent in all people, but it is purely subjective. Many people have no control over it.
Female jealousy is born out of fear of losing a partner, although often the jealous himself violates his vows. At the same time, psychology argues that the prerequisites for the birth of jealousy are laid in childhood. This is due to the family upbringing of the child. In childhood, the described trait is still weakly expressed, but growing up, the young lady is trying to find protection in a partner. Hence, the impact of other beautiful feminine on it is perceived by the partner in hostility, because he owes it entirely to belong to her.
The causes of female jealousy are quite diverse, they include:
– Psychological trauma, such as previously experienced betrayal or other unseemly acts against her;
– High or vice versa too low self-esteem;
– obsession with a man and fixation on the relationship;
– a repressed desire to change;
– Inability to exist due to the feeling of herself as a half organism;
– copying parental behavior.
The natural factors can include any disreputable actions of the faithful: flirting, frivolous communication with other young ladies, adultery, lack of desire to spend time together.
Most adult problems are born in the childhood stage: are a consequence of wrong educational methods, painful first love, unfulfilled relationships with peers. This results in a complex of emotional states, including resentment, sadness, love, fear, anger, despair and hopelessness. In order to get rid of the described complex it is necessary to immerse oneself in the psychotraumatic events of childhood. Re-experiencing them will make it possible to find the root of the problem which can then be eradicated.
Excessive self-esteem gives rise to the treatment of the beloved as personal property. After all, the lady considers herself a “queen”, so the chosen one should only fulfill her whims and be undividedly hers. This leads to total control, including reading personal correspondence, checking accounts, and checking the location of the partner.
Low self-esteem more often becomes the trigger of female jealousy. Such young ladies tend to play the victim, considering themselves less successful, beautiful, successful than other representatives of gender. They usually give themselves early into the bond of Hymen, believing that the mark in their passport makes them the full owners of their spouse. This is where the feminine manipulation of jealousy comes in.
At the slightest sign of the husband’s interest in the other woman, a casual glance, an inadvertently uttered word, the wife begins to raise unfounded reproaches and tears. Such behavior has a disarming effect on men, forcing them to prove their love to their mates.
The obsession with her spouse and the idealization of the marital relationship leads to a young lady’s lack of self-interest. She gives herself entirely to family life, dictating devised rules and demanding their strict observance, which leads to the desire of the spouse to avoid contact with the spouse, to whom such behavior gives even more reason to be jealous.
Often this feeling is caused by an unconscious desire for adultery, which is prevented by a strong moral code. Such girls see all girls as potential “predators” who want to get into bed with someone else’s beloved, and they judge the ladies for their allegedly inappropriate appearance. Often this reason is the result of having experienced betrayal in a previously completed relationship.
Quite often the observed factor that catalyzes jealousy is a married woman’s perception of herself not as a complete person, but as a half of the whole. This condition is akin to dependency, in which the young lady falls into apathy in the absence of a loved one nearby, all her thoughts revolve only around her beloved, she can not do inspired by any works, as in the head of one view – the image of a spouse.
Female jealousy in a relationship is often motivated by selfishness, various fears and, above all, the fear of treason. There is a paradox: the more often you accuse a man of infidelity, the sooner he will plunge into a voluptuous extramarital affair. When this finally happens, the wife will calm down, because there will be nothing to fear anymore. In addition, these fears may be conditioned by the expectation of social disapproval, which obliges a woman to be “with her husband”. Material prosperity, comfortable housing, convenience may also become a determining factor. Here female jealousy is generated by the fact that the young lady is afraid of being overthrown from her “rightful place”.
Copying parental behavior in family relationships is also a frequent factor contributing to the illogical jealousy of beautiful maidens. If the parent constantly reproached the father for infidelity, pestering him with endless suspicions, or he really was seen in infidelity, abandoned the family, had a bad relationship with his daughter, it is sure to be deposited in the back of the child’s subconscious. As a result, this “embedded” mechanism will be used by the girl in her interaction with her partners.
Female jealousy is characterized by specific manifestations that include both signs that are unique to ladies, and signs that are peculiar to all individuals, regardless of gender identity.
Specific signs of female jealousy are conditioned by specific mental processes, as well as peculiarities of emotional reactions, and they are represented by such behavior:
– accusation (harboring jealousy, the young lady seeks to find a reason to accuse her spouse of something)
– Passive aggression, expressed by an unwillingness to answer, ignoring questions
– inappropriate conversations (clowning, mocking, using sarcasm);
– anger, expressed through groundless yelling and lack of constructive dialogue
– Apathy (silence, lack of interest in spending time together).
A woman gets the idea that interaction with the cheater is pointless. Therefore she disassociates, showing the chosen one that the relationship is finished. At the same time, the young lady does not verbally express this position, but only demonstrates it.
Separately there are internal signs that are felt by women, by which they determine the presence of these feelings: doubts about the faithfulness of the beloved, hatred for him and the object of his interest, unfounded anger at the chosen one, uncontrollable outbursts of anger, resentment, insecurity, frustration.
Men interested in how to understand if a girl is jealous can be advised to pay attention to such signs:
– The partner, like an agent in a detective series, began to gather information, seeking to ferret out everything about her beloved (she frantically tries to spy correspondence in social networks, eavesdropping on phone conversations, arranging unexpected checks or surveillance);
– total control in the relationship (the young lady monitors any movements of the partner, wants to be aware of all her husband’s interests and contacts)
– the partner began to insist on stopping communication with lonely friends and acquaintances;
– the girlfriend often began to throw out baseless accusations, which were either masked or humorous in nature;
– the chosen one began to show obtrusiveness (the girl has concentrated all her leisure time on the life of her chosen one);
– The lady began to demand a constant confirmation of her husband’s love;
– The once balanced partner began to make public scenes, which is due to the desire to find confirmation of girls own suspicions in other people, because the consent and support of the environment can reinforce the belief in the infidelity of the chosen one.
In addition, public scandals are rolled out to have a positive impact on the behavioral pattern of the partner.
How to get rid of a woman
Female jealousy is often far-fetched, but sometimes it may have a reason. Therefore, before you begin to fight with this oppressive feeling, it is necessary to understand what gave rise to it.
The psychology of female jealousy is due to a lack of desired interaction with a partner. The occurrence of this feeling is influenced by the discrepancy between the expectations of the relationship with the real available.
Therefore, it is necessary to analyze the feelings felt in an outburst of jealousy, such as envy, fear, disgust, anger, and anxiety. Parsing the enslaved emotional spectrum will allow one to control one’s own feelings during the on-duty attack of excessive suspicion.
It is also recommended to confess to the chosen one about the experienced emotions. It is necessary to calmly, without making a scandal, talk about the emotions that the girl feels when her spouse is late and does not warn, when he does not call back, when he flirts with lady colleagues.
Here are some actions to help effectively fight the enslaving negative state:
– Adequate assessment of the circumstances (determining the true motives for such behavior and identifying contrived reasons);
– shifting attention to one’s own person, since the analyzed feeling is the girl’s problem, and not the subject of jealousy;
– analysis of her own condition, finding the causes of the negative feelings in question;
– self-esteem improvement, which implies self-development, self-improvement;
– distraction, which lies in finding an interesting pastime, a hobby.
Often, thoughts of betrayal arise as a result of idleness, when there is a surplus of free time. Therefore, to occupy yourself with something useful, necessary, interesting to be free from intrusive fantasies.
Author : Practical psychologist Vedmesh N.A.
Speaker of the Medical-Psychological Center PsychoMed