How to get over a relationship breakup
Contributor(s): Amy Chan. Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a recovery camp that practices a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after relationships end. Her team of psychologists and coaches have helped hundreds of people in just 2 years, and the camp has been featured by CNN, Vogue, The New York Times and Fortune. Her debut book, Breakup Bootcamp, will be published by HarperCollins in January 2020.
Number of sources used in this article: 12. You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.
Number of views of this article: 80 416.
Ending a relationship is always hard, whether it was your decision or your partner’s. You are hurting, and you want it to end sooner. There are several ways you can help you cope and move on: describe your feelings, allow yourself to grieve, take your time to get into a new relationship. Remember that time heals, and have patience. If, however, and over time you will not get better, you can always ask for support from family and friends, and if necessary – to a therapist.
- If he or she is trying to convince you to see each other, honestly ask yourself what the point is. If the meeting forces you to mentally go back in time, it will be too easy to give in to the moment impulse – but even harder to come to terms again.
- If contact is unavoidable for practical reasons – for example, you need to move your stuff from your partner, sign documents and the like – try to keep communication to an absolute minimum. Let calls or meetings be brief and businesslike.
- Clean up your room, hang new posters, clear the computer desktop from unnecessary icons. No matter how insignificant cleaning may seem to you, you will feel better after it.
- If you have a memorable gift from a former partner, such as a watch or jewelry, there is nothing wrong with keeping it. However, try to put it away and not reach for it until the relationship is finally over for you.
- Don’t let it feel like you are obligated to spend time with other people all the time. Go out to do the things you love and enjoy your freedom. Go out to your favorite coffee shop, go shopping, or take a mini-vacation.
Don’t rush headlong into a new relationship. Often people after a breakup immediately enter a new relationship in order to forget the previous one. However, this idea is not always wise. When we start dating too soon, we are often just trying to suppress negative emotions with the excitement and experience that the new relationship brings. However, if they fail as well, the pain of two breakups will come upon you at once. It’s better to be without your partner for a while until you get over your emotions and are really ready to start over.  X Source of Information
How to get over a breakup with a loved one: 7 steps
We often hear people say how beautiful life is, but the moment you break up with your lover, you don’t feel that way.
The world is painted in dark colors, the earth is gone from under your feet, and breathing, as if it becomes more difficult. You don’t understand why you are living and what you are living for.
Breaking up with someone you have loved with all your heart for a long period of time can be one of the most difficult events.
When you break up with your partner or your partner is the initiator of the breakup, you will have to work hard to overcome the heartache. Even if you try hard, it doesn’t mean that the heartache will be able to subside in one or two weeks. Some people spend months or even years on it.
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You want to go back to the old days, but alas, it’s impossible.
You have to understand that even after a breakup, life goes on. You have to overcome this obstacle correctly.
We will tell you what to do in order to accept the fact of the breakup, go through the grieving process and forget about the heartache forever.
How do you get over a breakup?
How to glue the shards of a broken heart: understanding, acceptance and awareness of the breakup
Analyzing your past relationships
The first step to ending a relationship and accepting a breakup is understanding the situation itself.
We have different experiences from each person, meaning that a relationship with one partner can be drastically different from a relationship with another.
Based on one study, psychologists came to this conclusion: “There are three basic types of relationships” .
If you understand what type of relationship you are in, then it will be easier for you to overcome the breakup with your partner.
But how do you distinguish another quarrel from the final breakup?
Here comes the period when you decide to break up. There may be many reasons, but we’ll look at one of the possible ones.
Shortcomings that we didn’t notice at the beginning of the relationship can begin to make us nervous over time.
For example, your partner may have a habit of picking his or her ears during lunch or dinner.
If you have just started dating, such habits may even amuse you, or you may think it is your lover’s thing, meaning it doesn’t bother you in any way.
As your relationship develops, disagreements may arise. For this reason, you will begin to notice some strange actions of your partner, and they will begin to irritate you a lot.
Maybe you were fine with this behavior of your lover, you let him do it and thought it was even nice, but now it is more annoying than hilarious.
You will begin to react more vividly to the various shortcomings of your partner.
This is the period of the relationship you make one of the most important decisions: to change for the sake of the relationship to bring joy, or leave everything as it is.
Partners who are unwilling to change end up splitting up with great scandal.
Why does your mind suffer from breakups?
Breaking up is a very sensitive process. People do not decide to break up in a second, but spend a long time weighing the pros and cons to see if their relationship can still be saved.
At this point, our minds behave in a very strange way. We are unable to concentrate, obsessed with the desire to see our former lover again, we feel hopelessness and despair, we think that we will remain lonely until the end of our days.
But why is it not only our heart that suffers, but even our brain?
To get to the bottom of this difficult matter, researchers at Columbia University studied the brain activity of people who had recently experienced a breakup.
The researchers found that the part of the brain responsible for physical pain reacted when subjects were shown pictures of their former partners.
In another experiment, scientists found that the brain’s reaction after a breakup was similar to the brain’s reaction after a person stops taking drugs.
A person’s desire to see their former partner is similar to an addicted person’s desire to take another dose.
While we were in a relationship, our brain received a sea of positive emotions, which it perceived as a reward, but after the breakup, our mind does not feel the pleasant emotions for a certain period of time.
How do your attitudes change after a breakup?
Why do you and your partner handle the breakup differently?
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No matter how hard a breakup is for you, it doesn’t mean that your former lover will be just as acutely affected by the breakup. It may seem unusual to many people that their former partner is dealing with the breakup in a completely different way.
Although it may be frustrating for you to see that your former lover is not experiencing heartache and is feeling fine. In this case, it is important to remember that such a reaction is considered completely normal. After all, a person may not show his feelings or move very quickly after any unpleasant situations.
Psychologist Melanie Schilling says, “After a breakup, women need to communicate, and men need something new to do.”
That’s why after a breakup men try different things, start doing something unusual, like skydiving, going abroad, swimming, or getting a driver’s license. They find these activities that require a lot of time, so that they think less about the breakup.
Meanwhile, women need emotional support from their social circle. When she speaks out, as if a stone falls from her soul. After all, during the conversation the girl speaks almost continuously, so she is physically unable to start thinking about her ex-boyfriend.
Some men believe that they should not give in to negative emotions, but instead immediately cheer up.
Women have more freedom in this regard, they release all their emotions and never hide how they feel. This is what helps them recover from a breakup.
You have to understand that how your life turns out, depends not only on the type of past relationships, but also on how you broke up with your partner.
Why do people break up?
There are many ways to break up a relationship, and how you do it will help you deal with the heartache.
1. cheating and cruelty
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Imagine this situation : your partner has hurt you. He has constantly deceived you, never spoken frankly or even bullied you.
It was hard to realize what was going on with your relationship, but when you realize it, you will definitely want to break that bond between you.
How do you feel? You think that everything is your fault, that you deserve to be treated cruelly, that your partner has the right to lie to you and cheat on you. Perhaps it was your significant other who brainwashed you and convinced you that he/she was/is behaving pig-headedly because of you.
How do you deal with the problem? Stop blaming yourself, as this can lead to depression and, in the future, soft-heartedness.
Your partner did this to you because he/she wanted to and is comfortable manipulating you in order to live a life of pleasure.
2. Sudden Breakup.
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Imagine this situation: everything seems fine to you. Recently you and your partner had a great time, you’re already planning a vacation, all your friends think you’re a great couple and, you’re thinking about the future together.
Suddenly you get a message that reads: “It’s over between us. I can’t take it anymore.”
How do you feel? You are lost and disoriented. This situation really confuses people and, you don’t even know where to start in order to get back to your everyday life.
How do you deal with the problem? First, be thankful that your partner decided to do such an act and did not mock your feelings. Secondly, don’t start thinking about what you did wrong and also don’t look for ways to resolve the situation, just let your ex-partner go. It’s already over and, you need to move on.
3. Fading love in a couple
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Imagine this situation : for a long time there was a fire of love burning in your heart, and you thought it would always stay that way. Unfortunately, the spark between you has slowly begun to fade. The conversations became boring. Eventually, you stop talking and even seeing each other.
How do you feel? You want your old feelings back. You are frustrated because you used to have a good time together, so why can’t you get that feeling back. You are angry at your lover because you think he didn’t try hard enough to maintain your relationship.
How do you deal with the problem? There is no need to blame anyone. Many relationships do not work out the way you would like them to. In such a situation, talk to your partner and ask him/her how he/she feels and ask him/her what to do next.
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Imagine this situation: you have a great relationship, but there is one problem – you do not understand each other, not on the same page. You are constantly talking about this or that subject, but can not come to a common solution. This may be connected with marriage, having children, or moving to another city, country. Suddenly, one of the partners puts forward an ultimatum to the other: “Make me a proposal in six months, or I myself will arrange everything.
How do you feel? You’re either angry or you think you’re backed into a corner, so you panic. If you stand your ground, you will lose your partner. If you agree with your lover, you will betray your own values. You have a hard decision to make.
How do you handle the problem? If you don’t want to agree with your partner and you lose your partner for that reason, you will need to accept that and not look back in the past. Understand that people cannot be perfect for each other, they will definitely think differently in some aspects.
5. Your first love
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Imagine this situation: you fall in love for the first time and, you’ve never had your heart broken before. Suddenly, the relationship ends and, you have to accept the breakup.
How do you feel? You are lost because you think that this was the only person you could love and you won’t meet anyone like that again, and since you won’t, you’ll be a lonely person forever. You hate yourself for what allowed the separation and every way to try to get his partner, but all in vain.
How to cope with the problem? It is difficult to cope with such pain, but time heals everything. The first parting is the most unpleasant and memorable. You need to sink in, splash out all the negative emotions, but then find the strength to move on. After all, life is just beginning and you may find yourself in this situation again, so you need to be prepared.
The 7 stages of grief and acceptance are
1- Answering Questions.
You want to understand the reason for your breakup . You think of your ex-partner’s words that were addressed to you, so you begin to think that it is all your fault because you did not listen to your lover. This is an agonizing period because you are still hoping to repair your relationship.
2. You can’t accept this set of circumstances.
That’s not true, and it’s not happening to you. You just can’t live without your ex-partner. You are forcing yourself away from reality.
You are trying to get your ex-partner back and promising him to change. Anything that he wasn’t happy with, you are willing to fix. At this point, you are being silly and not working with your head at all.
Since your pain will be unbearable, you will ask your ex-partner to go back to the way things were. You will have a hard time letting go of this person.
Depending on your character and experience, the anger may be directed at you, your former partner, or the situation itself. Anger helps you get back to reality . Through this feeling, you will realize that you are worthy of more, and you don’t have to think about what is in the past.
6. Initial acceptance .
This is the type of acceptance at the early stage of grief that tells us that you have given up and are no longer trying to get your former lover back. You have finally realized that life goes on.
7. You have redirected yourself toward other goals
You have almost recovered from the breakup. Memories of an ex-partner no longer stir your heart. You realize that you will meet another person with whom you will have a better relationship.
After the breakup love yourself.
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After you’ve successfully survived your breakup moment, it’s time to think about yourself.
The person you see in the mirror has become stronger.
It’s time to love yourself and forget about the sadness. After all, what was, is gone. Do not torment your heart anymore. There is sure to be someone who will love you.
Life is full of obstacles and this is one of them. If you get through it, it will be easier for you to live.
You will finally find happiness.
Love is what every person wants to find. But being in a relationship is hard work, and developing a long-term relationship is even harder.
You need to be able to recover from a breakup and go on to find your one and only, as all is not yet lost.