How to break up with the man who loves you
Contributor(s): Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in San Francisco. She specializes in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s Degree in Psychological Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has interned at Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of experience in psychological counseling and has been trained in the harm reduction model.
Number of sources used in this article: 14. You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.
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Ending even a meaningless relationship can be difficult. However, having to end something more serious, especially one where the “L word” is involved, can make you want to crawl under the bed for a week. If someone loves you, you may feel guilt and shame as you leave them. Maybe you’re worried about whether it will be a mistake, or you don’t understand why you’re so selfish. And while ending a relationship isn’t easy, you can handle leaving someone who loves and cares about you if you carefully consider the importance of your decision, have a mature conversation, and take care of yourself after the breakup.
- Put the problem on paper in detail. Why do you want to break up with this person? Did something happen between you two? Or is it about your feelings?
- Make a list of options. Is breaking up the only thing to do? Or do you feel like you and your partner have an opportunity to work things out? If you intend to leave the person, what are your reasons for breaking up?
- Consider your options. Which one is most likely to yield the best outcome? Think about all the possible risks and benefits of each option on the list.
- Make a choice and follow through. After you have analyzed each option, you can choose the one whose results you are most satisfied with. Then put it into action. Make sure you think about the consequences of your decision and how you could improve the way you implement it in the future.
Alvina Louie is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in San Francisco. She specializes in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s Degree in Psychological Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has interned at Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of experience in psychological counseling and has been trained in the harm reduction model.
“Make a list of what you want and even demand from the relationship.” ,” adds family therapist Alvin Louis. “You’ll be guided by this set to make things clear. Here are examples of relationship demands: “I need my partner to support me emotionally,” “My partner needs to be accountable for his actions,” “We need to have time for each other.” These examples of demands are reasonable and mutually beneficial. You may not have thought of relationships as having underlying factors before, but in all fairness, we all have needs that need to be respected.”
- If your relationship is violent physically or emotionally, don’t blame yourself for wanting to end it. You deserve safety and respect within the relationship.
- Postponing a breakup may be easier in the short term. However, it’s a waste of time, and the longer you drag out the relationship, the more you end up hurting your partner.  X Source of Information
- When seeking advice, approach the matter wisely. Choose someone who will keep your business a secret. You don’t want your partner to find out about the breakup from someone else before he hears about it from you.
- You can broach the subject in a similar way: “Sis, listen, I want to talk to you about something. I love Vanya and he loves me, but we seem to have become estranged from each other. I do not know what to do …”.
Listen to your inner voice. Intuition is not given to us by chance. Our subconscious often picks up more information than our mind, and from this comes feelings and premonitions that have no explanation. If you just can’t seem to recognize that it’s time to break up, it may be best to listen to your instincts.  X Source of Information
Tips from psychologists on how to properly break up with the girl or guy you love
Even the strongest feelings of love and affection sometimes do not guarantee a life together, you have to accept the inevitability of breakup. This is a traumatic, stressful process, the effects of which can be felt for many years.
We show you how to make a deliberate separation gentler and more restrained so that the memories of it will leave a pleasant aftertaste. How to break up with the person you love, we’ll tell below.
Reasons for breaking up with loved ones
In love, close relationships very often give the illusion that people “belong” to each other, that they will never have to part. However, romantic tragedies are very common, it happens for personal, family, social reasons:
The one-way game.
There is unrequited love, when one partner in a relationship has a very strong attraction to the other, depends on him, and the other is almost indifferent.
At first, it is pleasant to him the increased attention and care, then it becomes indifferent, he wants new bright sensations.
The addict becomes more and more immersed in this relationship, it seems to him that sooner or later he will be able to awaken a reciprocal reaction, will wait for mutual love.
After all, he tries so hard, so he should get “love dividends”. Psychologists have found that a true relationship occurs literally in the first minutes of communication and strengthens over several meetings.
Then it is very difficult to change or correct the opinion about the person, to form a different model of relationship with him. It depends on psycho-physiological factors, the nature “tells” who can be a potential companion and reliable defender in life.
Only this is not enough
In isolation from the actual conditions in a “spherical vacuum” feelings and relationships can not develop. A few months will pass, and it will become clear how compatible interests and hobbies of both, how appropriate lifestyle, coincide or not further plans.
Suppose one of the partners wants to move to another country, and the other strongly against. You will have to choose what is more important and decide on the exciting conversation.
But the reason is the other family.
One of the partners has a family that he is not going to destroy even for the sake of great love and passionate promises. Even with mutual attraction, it is difficult for a family man to rebuild the foundation of his own life .
To do this will have to engage a lot of psychological and socially significant mechanisms: change personal habits, convince friends and relatives, the legal division of property and a new status. It is much easier to organize romantic meetings and dates on a “neutral ground”.
It all depends on the patience of the second partner, whether he is willing to stay in the shadows for years, or will stubbornly seek agreement on a life together.
By the way, very often the semi-legal format of the relationship is a systematic factor. As soon as the family man gets a divorce and the freedom to act, the former fervor of the lovers fades, and he returns to the family.
In some cases, a close relationship is impossible because one of the partners is a public figure, a celebrity who needs to maintain his or her reputation. If such a person tries to keep a secret personal relationship, his partner may feel hurt, flawed. Relationships can be complicated by all sorts of provocations and attempts to make a loud statement.
Swiss biologist Claus Wedekind conducted a study in which he identified the main histocompatibility complex that determines the choice of a partner. His findings are often referred to as the “sweat shirt theory. The male participants in the experiment wore the same T-shirts for two days, then they were put into identical boxes.
The women were asked to smell things and choose the ones they were most attracted to, aroused. It turned out that women were most attracted to the men with the most different histocompatibility complex, which is determined by their sense of smell.
The main reasons for breakups on the part of men :
- Women’s actions and behavior,
Men in love turn into deaf and blind males, they tend to completely trust their chosen one. Not because she has impeccable behavior, but because the ego of men is just off the charts.
They are consummate actors and posers, far less than a woman’s coquetry and seductive flirting. Sample content of the male self-presentation when dating: “I am a man with a fine organization of soul and a thick wallet. But if a woman is unable to hold a man’s conceit, often criticizes him, doubts his abilities, she is on the road to separation.
Wait and be patient! According to statistics on the causes of divorce, experts conclude that men are capable of breaking up even a long, comfortable relationship if they feel it is “the wrong coat.” Weak ladies are much more resilient than men; unloved women tend to keep their marriage or keep their partner at all costs.
Women and their motives
The main reasons for breaking up on the part of women are:
- The desire to survive a “tragedy”,
- Inability to live together,
- emotional incompatibility.
Usually beautiful ladies are very calculating about even the most passionate and beautiful relationships. They always want to know what lies beyond the horizon line. In this way nature regulates the function of the continuation of the species, one needs the certainty of a sufficient ration and a warm shelter.
A woman is patient only if she is sure that she is alone on the pedestal, as soon as she realizes that the man has another passion, that he has a family, which he will not leave, she begins consciously or subconsciously to look for another option.
Sometimes a woman provokes a breakup in order to emphasize her importance and help a man with his final choice. But usually there is no second chance, men are very categorical about their own resignation and strongly prevent the resumption of the relationship.
Psychologists have found that those who have experienced a love tragedy or a painful breakup are much more likely to meet new happiness in the future. They have experience of deep sensory cognition, instinctive recognition of secret signs in people’s behavior.
Hostages of love catastrophe more organically perceive new acquaintances and relationships, more productively use the “law of compensation” for the received suffering.
Where do you start in a breakup?
Regardless of the reasons for the breakup, one of the partners must initiate a “serious conversation” that will show the prospects and results of the relationship. This is preceded by extensive internal preparation, because until the last moment there is a chance of a revival of feelings and mutual attraction.
Before the start of the breakup and summarizing the conversation, you must specifically understand what everyone’s communication, psychological goals. You can communicate or block calls and correspondence, you can politely answer or make a scandal. But it is better to have a soulful date to clarify all the differences and come to a common denominator.
The right actions
The process of separation may drag on for a long time, even for several months, there may be “relapses” and other plot twists. You must conduct a flawless strategic operation, to play your part from the first take, otherwise the repetition of tragedy turns into a comedy. Remember how comical a situation looks when people “break up for good” three times in one day.
A Serious Decision.
It is the inner conviction that there is no future together and it is impossible, is the “point of no return,” further discussion of the situation with the companion, roughly speaking, refers to the technicalities.
Delay, of course, should not be either, your frank attitude will be a beautiful final chord, the apotheosis of trust and gratitude:
- Assess your state of mind, you should not act impulsively, on the advice of friends or relatives, trust only your own heart.
- Choose the appropriate moment when your partner is ready to talk, no need to offend or shock him.
- You have to start the conversation with a firm conviction that you are right and that it’s time to break up. Do not torture yourself and your partner if this way you want to “resuscitate” hopeless relationship.
What can and can not tell themselves?
No need to exacerbate the situation and wind up to frenzy thoughts like “more I’ll never have such happiness,” “apparently, I do not deserve love for the sins in the past life. Your goal is to preserve your personality, to accept the new crushing experience, and not to drive the situation to psychosis.
Try to turn off your emotions for a while and answer a few questions categorically:
- “Do I want to continue the relationship in the same format?” (Rare dating, inability to live together, or other factors).
- “Do I feel ready to stay with this person for the long term?” (What might change in a month, one year, and so on).
- “Can my partner change his or her attitude toward me, arrange different living arrangements?” (Will he agree to divorce, to move, to change his place of residence, or other circumstances).
- “Will we be able to exist together in ‘the same territory’?” (Domestic compatibility, common interests and hobbies, and other family and social prerequisites).
What is the best way to behave during a breakup?
In the final of the love drama, you have to get full confidence in your rightness and a new emotional experience, regardless of your partner’s position.
He may agree or disagree, react calmly or debauch, your position is the same: our relationship is in the past, I feel ready for a global change.
As a result, no matter what storms are raging in your soul, you have to express your complex feelings in simple words, to get from your partner a coherent response. Such a “conversation” can go on for a long time, repeatedly interrupted and enriched with new topics.
In the process of communication, it is better to discuss directly and openly the most “hot” points:
- “I think we need to break up for these reasons” – concrete facts, another family, different interests and life plans, no common future, emotional instability.
- “I want to hear and understand your opinion” – be patient and considerate, use rational arguments.
- “I’m in a very upset state” – not by the other’s behavior, but by the situation as a whole, by the fact that the concomitant factors came together that way.
- “I’ll try to help you, contact me anytime” – show that the person remains part of your past life, one of your best memories.
How do you communicate with your former partner?
Than the heart will calm down – it’s your mutual decision whether to communicate in the future or not, to congratulate each other with the holidays or completely ignore the joint past.
The main thing is to accept as a fact the possibility of separation, do not drive the events, each stage must logically and psychologically follow the previous one:
- Do not try to restore the relationship later, if you are not 100% sure that this is really necessary. Do not call, do not write, do not provoke a date, most often this ends in great disappointment. Previous feelings have faded, and self-esteem will suffer even more.
- Do not involve outsiders, even your closest friends and relatives. They will be forced to take a certain side, which is very humiliating for the other person.
Every man is the author of his own destiny. Literary critics and art critics estimate that more than half of all fiction stories are based on conflicts and parting of loving people. Most often the basis of the collision is intrigue, jealousy, rivalry.
As soon as the relationship becomes stable, predictable, the plot breaks down, recall the infamous Cinderella story: all the fun is before the wedding.
All the great books and songs, movies and music are built on love and separation. So you can feel in yourself a poetic talent and write a couple of brilliant lines about it.
Peculiarities of relationships during a breakup .
You have to stay on a practical, rational level so that you don’t snap into a whirlpool of emotions.
Your goal is to voice your position, to understand your own life.
You don’t have to report back with further plans. You don’t have to endlessly comfort or in any way compensate for the loss of the relationship.
Men are much less likely to be the authors of the idea of a breakup, moreover, they try not to discuss their feelings and feelings at all. If a woman initiates such a conversation, he will listen to her and try to understand, but rarely will he insist on continuing.
The fact is that men perceive the content of the conversation in the first place, while women perceive indirect, indirect signs: the environment, the timbre of the voice, intuition and premonitions. The male scenario: “Let’s break up! – Come on!”. Female version: “Let’s break up! – Endless talk about feelings and experiences.”
Men’s reactions to what’s going on
There is a total divergence of strategies between men and women: the man is thinking about what changes in his life will follow, how to minimize his losses and how to stop a woman’s tantrum quickly and easily. And the woman is trying to show the depth of her suffering and worries, looking for answers to “eternal questions”, for a long time “hangs” in an exalted state.
After a breakup, men quickly eliminate the consequences of the disaster and make meaningful orginal conclusions: how best to build and continue the relationship with a woman, how to respond to whims and nagging.
Begin a new relationship, if a woman really liked her, it is interesting to communicate. They rarely repeat previous mistakes, while women are able to repeatedly tie their lives to similar types (abusers, alphonse, “narcissists”).
Women demand guarantees and promises even when breaking up, they want to remain “the one and only”. They are willing to wait for the lover back, as long as necessary, the negative facts the woman tries to interpret in their favor. For example, she can present partner’s infidelity as “temptation”, “an accidental mistake”.
Women tend to idealize the experience and even ignore the negative qualities of the former partner. They often compare new and previous relationships, look for “secret signs of destiny” and are willing to try a new relationship to “forget the past.”
Important points and mistakes of partners
Of course, mad passion or complete dissolution in the other person for a long time remain the benchmark of the relationship, a precious memory. You voluntarily or involuntarily compare subsequent episodes with this one, let it remain a pleasant souvenir in your memory. No need to expect repetition, or to build around this dominant new life scenery.
Behave properly when breaking up, it means to think about the feelings and consequences for your partner, because it turns out that it was you who “dumped” him, offered to end the relationship. You will do the noble and right, if at the time to forget about themselves and their worries, to pay maximum attention to his partner. He should feel that it is not your whim, circumstances are stronger.
- Express gratitude and appreciation for unparalleled feelings;
- Recall all the interesting, pleasant moments;
- articulate your amazing feelings;
- share the warmth of your soul, take care of each other’s condition;
- to wish wellbeing, good luck, and happiness in the future.
It is inappropriate to use general meaningless phrases like, “I feel very bad,” “you don’t understand me,” “it’s over between us.”
- reproach for past grievances and disagreements;
- Demand to change, set conditions;
- Shifting the blame for the termination of the relationship;
- Use against a partner confidential information.
Video on the subject of the article
How to get over the breakup with the person you love, video prompts:
The pain of loss is a priceless experience that becomes a catalyst for unexplored feelings, a moral and moral catharsis. You can immerse yourself in this boundless feeling, enjoy your boundless loneliness among other people.
Love, passionate intercourse, is a gorgeous gift of fate that will forever change your self-awareness and perception of life.
It is the tragic love that is hindered by external circumstances or other reasons that proves to be the deepest and most passionate. A happy, prosperous love is never comparable in its intensity to a separation, a lingering wait.
The parting of loving hearts is part of a lofty relationship, the culmination and conclusion of heady feelings. Not without reason did Shakespeare ask: “Tell me, where, when in the world was true love happy?”