Fall in love with a married man: peculiarities of a secret connection with a man
Any woman wants to feel unique, loved and desired. To accept this situation and realize that you are the second, it can be very difficult. Psychologists believe that in a relationship with a married man often enter those who have a lot of complexes that are hidden under the presentable appearance. They may be related to childhood psychological trauma due to the lack of maternal warmth and paternal care, or unrequited love, betrayal. About the causes of connection with a married man, its consequences and prospects we will tell you in this article.
Specialists doctors about some aspects of the relationship with a married man
Psychologists identify a number of reasons why women agree to have an affair with a married man. Let’s look at some of them:
- One of the most common is low self-esteem or insecurity. The woman believes that she is not worthy of true and great love, so she agrees to settle for little. Often such women are driven by a fear of loneliness: “Better this than being all alone.
- The woman views a relationship with a married man as a short-term infatuation while she is searching for a more suitable candidate for a long-term and strong relationship.
- Sexual dissatisfaction in marriage, problems with the husband push women to cheating. Not wanting to destroy the family, they have lovers. The choice often falls on those who already have a couple. After all, it is known that there are far fewer men, including free men, than women.
- Some ladies, who regard their beauty and youth as commodities and dream of a luxurious life, date a married man as a sponsor. They trade sex for material well-being.
- Sometimes women feel in love with an unmarried man for no particular reason: no vested interests or psychological trauma. Simply because they see them as the only and most worthy.
For all the participants of the “love triangle” such a relationship becomes a real test. It is hard to say who has the hardest. The wife, who knows about the cheating husband and pretending that everything is fine. The man who feels guilty about two women. Or the mistress who is constantly on hold, because his choice and final decision is left open for a long time: young children are sick, the wife can’t cope with teenagers on her own, and so on. The family constantly needs him and he obviously needs her, so a serious conversation with his wife is delayed day after day and year after year. So what do psychologists advise a mistress about having an affair with a married man?
Try to abstract from the situation and be objective to evaluate it. First, decide what you expect from this relationship. The likelihood of him leaving the family is negligible. If you don’t need your husband, you really value your freedom and independence, you’re not afraid of weekends and holidays spent alone, then you can continue to “dance the tango in a threesome. If you dream of having a family and children together with your partner, your plans are probably not destined to come true. A man who doesn’t break up with his wife during the first year of your relationship will probably never do so. Stop living on his promises and believing in a happy tomorrow with him.
The “three-way game” is dangerous because it is very difficult to end. A woman who has feelings for a man is often emotionally dependent. Thoughts that she is loved, that she is not alone, the feeling of support gives her an intoxicating joy. The release of endorphins improves mood, gives positive emotions. Parting with a man in this situation is perceived as the lack of dose for an addict. To learn how to build a healthy relationship, it is necessary to understand what the cause of this addiction in each case. It is important to be able to find the source of joy is not in external manifestations, and within themselves. If you cannot cope with the problem yourself, you should seek support from a specialist.
Why do married men get a girlfriend on the side
The first step in such a relationship is usually made by a man. Everything starts with an affair. Only as time passes, the girl learns that he already has a family.
So why does a man go looking for adventure on the side? There are a number of reasons for this:
- They are influenced by the stereotypes of society. A perverted view of moral values, disrespect for the family leads wealthy men to the vicious path of adultery. Thus, the “director-secretary” bond occurs not because of lofty love, but because it is convenient for him and he can afford it, and she benefits from his patronage.
- Hidden complexes and unresolved psycho-emotional problems force a man to constantly assert himself. If he is unable to win in other spheres of life, he will do it in the market of love relationships, proving his worthiness and solvency, above all, to himself.
- He is unhappy in his marriage. The fire of former love has faded, domestic problems have shaken the foundation of the family, problems in relations with his spouse, and a lack of mutual understanding. Because of the frequent scandals increases the sense of dissatisfaction and irritation. The man is looking for a “safe haven,” where he will be “nestled and warmed.
- His wife no longer inspires him, he lacks passion in bed. Domestic chores, work take a lot of strength and energy from the woman, so in the evening, in contrast to the man who is not burdened with household chores, she rolls over. Their sexual needs do not coincide, and he seeks satisfaction on the side.
- After living with his wife for several years, he reads her like an open book. He lacks new sensations, spice, intrigue. This happens when a woman stops winning over a man, does not feel the desire to please him. She is deeply mistaken, thinking that she has fulfilled her mission, she has married and now she can relax.
The consequences of having an affair with a married man
Getting involved in an affair with a man who is not free, weigh the pros and cons so you do not regret the consequences. Be honest with yourself, be analytical and look a few steps ahead.
Benefits of an extramarital affair
Some women deliberately go into a relationship with a “ringed” man:
- For young women pursuing careers, for lack of time for a family, such relationships can be beneficial. They can help you gain the experience you need with a man.
- If you don’t want a long-term relationship with a man, you may be comfortable with this option: freedom with a steady partner for intimacy.
- If the man “left” because he was “bothered” by his life, you expect a romantic relationship: flowers, candy, gifts, restaurants. You will not be burdened with his “service”: cooking, laundry, ironing, and so on.
- If sex is his problem, it will be quality and varied with you. With you he will make up for everything he lacks in his marriage.
- Some married women have lovers to prove themselves. That way they not only get a thrill, but also confirm their attractiveness.
- There is a lot of drive and novelty in a forbidden relationship. If you lack adrenaline, this is what you need.
The downsides of “threesomes”
- It’s hard to share the man you love with another woman. The burning feeling of jealousy sizzles you from the inside, causes a lot of suffering, pain.
- Dates only at your home or in deserted places, not being able to spend an evening in the company of mutual friends for fear of being declassified. This can keep you in constant tension.
- Holidays, including New Year and your birthday, you spend alone or, at best, in the company of girlfriends. If he does come, it won’t be for long.
- Family interests are always more important to him than you. On a phone call, he’s ready to run across town at any time of day.
- You can’t count on his care and support. That’s a family prerogative. For you, it’s sex and a little companionship.
- Forget the phrase “stable prospective relationship.” Your romance could end at any minute. He already has stability and perspective. So why should he complicate things and start over?
How do you maintain a relationship with a married man?
In order to date a married man and build a relationship with him, women often seek the advice of a psychologist. After all, being in a state of waiting for his visit, affection, attention, divorce is very tiring. It turns out that there are certain rules that can tell you how to behave with a married man to maintain a relationship with your lover.
- Intimacy takes center stage in this connection. Therefore, “I don’t want to today” and “I have a headache” are taboo phrases. Your appearance should make him want you. To create an attractive picture, use your full arsenal: a stylish hairstyle, discreet, but competent makeup that will mark every facial feature, appropriate clothing for the meeting place. Forget the bunched-up hair and the washed robe. He has enough of this at home. Your appearance should eloquently tell him that you are always ready to meet him. To do this, use your imagination, experiment with their images: today you the embodiment of confidence and purity, and tomorrow – the unbridled sexual energy and passion. Do not go to extremes: too bright makeup and vulgar clothes can repel him. Don’t bet on intimacy alone. He won’t leave his wife just because you’re cooler than her in bed.
- An important aspect of your relationship is communication. It should be the basis of mutual understanding. Take an interest in his life events, work, hobbies. The latter should also be your hobby. He likes cars? Visit auto shows, races together. Passionate about fishing? Go with him to the specialized store. You can read something about fishing tackle beforehand to surprise him with your awareness. It is necessary, because if your relationship will be based only on sex, they will quickly wear themselves out. Shared interests will help you find topics of conversation. They will bring you closer and strengthen your spiritual connection. When communicating, show him your affection: an attentive sparkling look, a sincere smile, touching. He will feel your sympathy, and he will be pleased.
- Flirt with him. Compliment him periodically, noting the best features of his character, his good taste in closet choices, his actions and achievements in his profession. Your words should come from the heart, otherwise falseness could hurt his ego.
- Don’t try to take over his personal space completely and limit his freedom. Let the man thinks that he is “a cat that walks by himself. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming like a grumpy wife.
- Keep intrigue in your relationship. He must cherish you and be afraid to lose you. Disappear from his sight periodically, sometimes without any explanation. The mistress is allowed to behave this way, because the man spends his time with his family without asking your permission. So you may not dedicate it to your plans. If the lover has a short temper, and this behavior will complicate your relationship, inform him a short message about the upcoming departure for the city with his girlfriends or a visit to the village to relatives.
- Do not be simple-minded. Do not tell him all your secrets, do not talk about your shortcomings. Try to give the impression of a confident woman who knows what she wants. Then he will respect you.
- Do not take the position of the victim. Do not cry to him about his fate, do not burden the problems. He doesn’t have to deal with them for you. And don’t let him use you as a shoulder to cry on. Lovers need each other to enjoy their leisure time.
- Don’t criticize him, don’t point out his shortcomings, don’t make remarks. Men do not like that.
- Don’t speak unflatteringly in his presence about his wife. This is his, not your prerogative. Do not try to emphasize that you are somehow better than her. He has to come to that conviction himself.
- Pressure on him from your side, the constant demand for a divorce, tantrums and scandals will not speed up the process. Your constant discontent will only cause him to be negative. If you want to continue the relationship be patient and wait.
- Do not be intrusive. Do not call several times a day, do not look for meetings. Otherwise, he will realize that you are in his full power and will quickly lose interest in you.
- Do not advertise your relationship. Don’t tell even your closest friend about it. If there is a quarrel between you, she may use this information to spite you.
Will he leave his wife?
Lovers often hear stories from their boyfriends about how they have to suffer and suffer next to unworthy and worthless wives. However, they are in no hurry to leave the family. Why does this happen?
- It is convenient for the man to “sit on two chairs. At home he is surrounded by the care and attention of his wife, who suspects nothing or has accepted the situation. The mistress constantly expresses her sympathy for him. He gets emotion, positivity, warmth from her.
- “Habit is given to us from above, it is a substitute for happiness”, stated the famous classicist. At home, everything is familiar and familiar to the man: well-established routine, family celebrations, mutual friends. He knows his area of responsibility here. A new family is another matter. Fear of the unknown and laziness keep him from destroying his comfort zone.
- He is a good father and does not leave because of the children, because he truly loves them, values their peace and happiness. He is afraid of hurting them, especially at a time when they so need his care and support.
- He doesn’t want to change his wife for a mistress because he doesn’t see the point. It is impossible to live as a guest in a family. The conduct of a joint household is always associated with the solution of problems, which entails the clarification of the relationship. The mistress will address to him the same claims and demands that his wife now makes.
- The man does not see the mistress as the mistress of the house and the mother of his children. She is only comfortable to spend his leisure time with.
Only a small percentage of men leave the family. For him to decide to take this step, your love must be strong, strong, real. In fact, this is rare. More often than not, a man uses his mistress as an outlet, not having the feelings he says he has for her. If a man sincerely wants to be with a woman, having children can’t stop the relationship from breaking up. When there is no understanding between father and mother, constant quarrels are more traumatic than the father leaving. In order to leave, you need a lot of courage, inner core and fortitude. They will help to cope with the guilt of family members. In most cases, it turns out that the man is not ready for such sacrifices, so such relationships are mostly futile. With the emergence of a mistress divorce is possible in the family, if its initiator is his wife or if even before the affair, the marriage was bursting at the seams.
How to break up with a married man
Break up with a man for whom you have feelings, the process is painful. To decide to take this step, you need to have courage. But, if you see that your relationship has no development, it needs to end. The man can afford to play on two fronts, but your biological clock is increasingly clear about the need to put a stop to the waiting list. So take drastic measures, let him know you want to break up with him. Here are tips to help you in this difficult matter:
- Intelligence and cleverness, unfortunately, do not make men perceptive. For him to understand what you’re thinking and feeling, voice it. The language of innuendo is not appropriate here. Explain to him that you need a strong and long-term relationship, not a man for an hour, and therefore have to break your connection.
- Be decisive, but act calmly. Don’t talk in high tones, don’t be nervous. The worst is over. Warn him that you won’t communicate with him, so he won’t look for more meetings with you.
- Get rid of everything that reminds you of him: his photos, his gifts, his personal belongings. It is not necessary to throw everything away: take it to the cottage, hide it in the attic. The main thing is that you do not see these items until the emotions have subsided.
- Do not call him under any circumstances. Do not pick up the phone when he calls. If the meeting could not be avoided, behave with restraint, do not make a scandal, do not shout, do not reproach him. Your anger he can take as a game and a signal for further action. Try to keep your cool, tell him that you have discussed everything and figured it out. If you delay and do not leave, you can not stand and give vent to feelings.
- Getting over the breakup will help with an active lifestyle. Take up sports or some hobby that will give you positive emotions. Have you always wanted to get a driver’s license? Go ahead and take a driving course. Wanted to take up dancing but couldn’t get away? Now you can, dance. Had a passion for drawing as a child? Go to exhibitions, museums, meet interesting people. Go to concerts, movies, go on trips. The main thing is not to sit at home and socialize a lot.
- Set yourself a serious, really important goal: to achieve success in your career, to get a new profession. Expand your horizons, develop yourself. Improving your health, working on a slim, beautiful, flexible body are also important tasks. This will help you become self-sufficient and more confident.
- Respect, appreciate and love yourself. Then in the near future you will definitely meet someone who will treat you the same way.
Relationships with married men are full of contradictions and difficulties. They are destructive for all three participants in this confusing game in which there are no winners. If you are trapped in a secret relationship, try to get out of it as quickly as possible to work on organizing his own destiny and build a secure family fortress.
How to behave with a married man? 15 tips for the mistress
Corrector, editor journalist. I do what I love for over six years.
The expert – Victoria Fomina
Physician sexologist highest category, psychiatrist, psychotherapist. I have been working as a sexologist for over 10 years. I help couples solve problems in sex life.
The legend of polygamy men probably invented by men. So they justify their treason, and women are comforted. Why do men have mistresses, what do they lack at home? Perhaps the answer to this question is easier than it seems. It is enough to compare how the mistress and wife behave, to understand the reason for this arrangement.
Why do men go left-handed?
The reasons why men have mistresses are different for each of them. The most common are:
- Something is missing in the family. This something may be the appearance (for example, the wife stopped taking care of herself, and the man wants to see a beautiful woman, but not ready for a divorce). Men are creatures who (most of them) need to constantly improve their self-esteem. And assess a man in the first place how? That’s right – by his female companion. The man wants to be proud of his chosen one, and even to boast about it to his friends (colleagues, acquaintances). But here we are talking about a normal man. Not the one who makes his wife hide from everyone because of insecurity so she won’t be taken away.
Another man in the family may lack understanding. Yeah, it’s that corny. For example, the man has a midlife crisis or problems at work. He wants to be listened to and felt sorry for. But his wife refuses to understand – like, “why are you so fluffy? You have a family, it is necessary to take care of it, you’re thinking here to get depressed! And then the man has a choice – to seek solace in alcohol (yes, do you know how many men choose this method?), to ignore it and sour further without hope for support and understanding, or to find a man who will offer his chest to depress on it.
- Nature calls. There is an opinion that there is a type of man who cannot be satisfied with one woman, no matter how beautiful she is. A very controversial question, of course. Because often such men become quite exemplary family men, but on condition that the “right” woman comes along. If the “wrong” woman comes along, then the man runs to several other women. For these people say that he was crazy crazy – and the house is all, and the wife is beautiful, but he still goes on the run.
Of course, there may be many other reasons. But the main ones are described above.
The behavior of the ideal mistress.
Women who become mistresses often mark to become wives afterwards. But not all and not always. Each of them has her own reasons – one likes the kind of relationship that doesn’t commit to anything. Another like to play the role of a bitch who takes the man out of the family. A third sleeps with a man to spite his wife. The fourth loves strongly and therefore is ready to be at least eternal mistress, if only by his side.
How does the mistress, who is considered to be ideal, behave and what does she do?
- She does not try to tie a man to herself through gifts. She does not give gifts that might compromise him in front of his wife. Perfume, accessories, clothing – all these things cannot go unnoticed by the wife. Therefore, the ideal mistress will not give something like that. At most she will buy him a toothbrush for joint meetings. Or give him a set of beautiful lace lingerie on himself.
- Does not interfere in his family relationships. A good mistress is one who will not ask questions about his wife. She will listen to complaints (if necessary), but she will not pry. She is well aware that the purpose of a man’s visit is not to talk about his relationship with his wife. He needs a psychologist for that purpose, not a mistress.
- He will not put himself above his wife. As strange as it may sound, but for a man who has a mistress, his wife is still in first place. Despite their quarrels, misunderstandings, lack of sex and other problems. If he did not divorce, it means there are reasons. And to find them out a self-respecting mistress will not.
- Will not try to take the role of his wife. Even if she’s madly in love. She is well aware that if she will do the same duties as a wife, she will become just a second wife, to which quickly faded interest. Making borscht and ironing shirts is the lot of the wife. He comes here for something else entirely.
- He doesn’t try to get to know his entire social circle, much less his relatives. A good mistress knows very well that all these introductions to relatives (both from her and his side) and friends are a hint of some kind of commitment. These actions can only scare a man away. First, he will think that his mistress has some sights on him, and secondly, it is awkward to explain what you are to each other.
- The mistress knows how to accept gifts. If she respects herself, she gives a man the opportunity to feel like a man. In everything. He pays in a restaurant, pays for a joint vacation. She hints that he should come to her not only with a wild desire to see her, but with something else. For example, a bouquet, or a bottle of her favorite wine. Of course, gifts increase in value over time. But she never demands them. She lets the man feel that his gifts are pleasing to her. And so he likes to give them.
- She uses her charm and wisdom. Mistresses often hunt for men themselves. But they do it in such a way that the man does not feel it. He considers himself a predator, a male. Although often the victim is himself. A wise girl does everything to make him feel the opposite.
- Does not throw tantrums. The meeting broke up because of his fault? No, self-respecting mistress will not shout into the tube, to write angry messages and be offended. She’ll pretend it’s nothing. Otherwise, she’ll just be alone. There is a good chance that he already has such a hysterical woman at home. Although, of course, the opposite happens – a man has a quiet wife at home, and he wants fire. He craves broken plates and raucous reconciliation in the bedroom (although the bedroom is not a prerequisite).
It is not uncommon for a man to choose a beautiful mistress who is the exact opposite of his wife. He is looking for something on the side that he lacks in the family relationship. But there is a major trait that is inherent in the vast majority of mistresses – she is confident in herself, knows her worth. Men do not turn on the side of a gray mouse.
A separate category of mistresses – married ladies. Each of them also has her own reasons for becoming a mistress, being legally married. How does a mistress behave so that she is not declassified:
- Her put-out look suddenly changes to a mischievous light. Her mood suddenly improves, it is as if she is flying on the wings of happiness. Begins to carefully select her closet, takes care of herself more than before. She begins to put on brighter colors and watch her figure. Her closet is replenished with beautiful sets of new underwear. Her perfume changes. Of course, we are talking about those who previously did not differ. But if she wants to avoid being declassified, she will start to do all this gradually, so as not to cause a sharp suspicion.
- Spends a lot of time away from home. For example, staying late at work, going on business trips, going to work on weekends. At home she says there is more work, the number of responsibilities has increased. Or she often goes to meetings, allegedly with friends. An attentive husband will immediately notice these changes.
- He brings home gifts. Suddenly comes home with a bouquet, or a new necklace, a new dress, purse or something else. And every time she has a plausible story “got into a huge sale, a colleague urgently sold for next to nothing, then what she needs the money, inherited from a relative. Frankly, many gifts her husband may not notice. If the relationship in the family is long and hopelessly damaged, the spouse is not interested in the contents of the closet or cosmetic bag. He may not notice the next perfume (if his wife already has many bottles), a pair of shoes or a purse. Unless the gifts are every other day, of course.
- Put a password on your phone. In general, a smart woman will not keep a love correspondence on her phone or in social networks. To communicate, she will think of a secret way. For example, the correspondence from the work computer. But there are also blunders, when a woman suddenly started spending a lot of time on her phone and you can see by her reaction that there is quite pleasant communication.
A common mistake of married mistresses is that they choose someone from their husband’s friends to be their lover. This is the silliest mistake. This kind of deception will be discovered in 95% of cases. Men love to gossip too, don’t doubt it. So if you have already decided to have a lover – let him be not from your husband’s circle of acquaintances. And preferably not from your circle of acquaintances. Let it be a mysterious stranger.
How does the mistress, who is well aware that the relationship needs anonymity? She behaves naturally, does not flirt openly with anyone, so as not to arouse suspicion. Keeps it cold with her partner, just like with the others. Especially if they work together. A good mistress is a wise mistress, she will not give away your secret relationship, because there is a special charm in it.