How to behave when you are accused and you are not to blame?

Dear psychologists, tell me when you are accused, but you know you are not to blame, that this accusation is unfounded, people just see the minuses in you and refuses to notice the positive side.

Dear psychologists, advise me when you are accused, but you know you are not to blame, that this accusation is unfounded, a man just sees your minuses and refuses to notice the positive aspects. What to do? How to keep the relationship with the one who accuses, when you start to explain that it is not my fault, the man just does not believe and argues the opposite. To stop communicating is not an option, I want to understand why a person, not knowing the details, easily accuses the other person. If a man begins to accuse how to build a dialogue so that the conversation did not turn into a conflict, but instead the dialogue led to a constructive conversation, and what to do when neither party does not want to change their minds, one you are to blame, the second no I am not to blame.

August 18, 2015.

Total responses: 11

Svetlana Vit

August 18, 2015.

Everything around us, our whole life, its circumstances depend on our perception of them, it is us who with our thoughts, actions, desires, decisions, words, even our appearance attract a certain environment, events and people, we form our own little world. I assume that your question concerns a man with whom you want to be together, to become a couple. Believe me, no matter what is going on between you, everything will fall into place, will get better as soon as you start treating yourself with care and respect. After all, patience sometimes is simply unbearable, destructive to our personality, depressing, speaks of our lack of respect for ourselves, prevents us from developing and enjoying life. Why, for what purpose? Think about it. Don’t ever dissolve into another person and relationship, keep your own integrity. Don’t let your feeling of happiness and fullness of life depend on the other person, their opinion or behavior, actions, decisions. Just pay attention to yourself, realize that the most important value for you is yourself. Let me remind you that in the problems of a couple there is always a role for both partners, that is, you both came to this situation as equals. Understand that a woman is always with the man she allows to be with her, behaves with her just the same, appreciates and loves her just as she appreciates and loves herself. The men we have with us are the ones we allow, the ones we deserve. Because each person determines the acceptable boundaries of others’ behavior and treatment of themselves. By no means was I going to even hint at the fact that you are guilty of something, I only put your thoughts in the right direction – to think, analyze the behavior, the words of each of you and try to find the cause, as well as the ways out of the situation – appeal, I offer my professional help, I will work together with you on the problem with pleasure. You have many options, ways as softly, unobtrusively, and clearly to demonstrate your attitude toward the man, his actions in relation to you, to make it clear that for you it is not acceptable categorically under any circumstances, and what is acceptable or pleasant – you have every right to do this, do not have to please anyone to feel unhappy. In the same way you don’t have to do anything to anyone, especially to justify yourself, to explain yourself – otherwise you will definitely look guilty and trying to make amends for your guilt. What to do next is your choice. Start changing things the way you want them to be, don’t wait for someone to make your life happier, but fill it with desired, new, positive content yourself. It’s time for you to pay attention to yourself, and not waiting for someone else to do that, to make the best for yourself, fill your life with the missing components of happiness: emotions, freedom to be what you want, small holidays, events, joyful impressions and delights, actions and decisions, actions, meetings, drive and positivity. Try to find harmony with yourself, understand, feel yourself, realize and accept completely. Take care of yourself, love yourself, appreciate and respect yourself, and other people will treat you the same way. All will be well with you. Believe in yourself, you deserve all the best, to be loved, happy, without doing anything for this, without deserving, you will be able to do everything, you will succeed, don’t be afraid of anything – live with these thoughts. You can build and create your relationship with this person the way you want it to be.

A little digression about the motives of human behavior in general and of this man in particular: he cannot accept you completely, it means he has deep psychological problems himself, he is too demanding to himself, has low self-esteem, does not love himself, and therefore cannot forgive himself and of course others first of all. By insulting you, accusing you, reproaching you, so he asserts himself at your expense and the more often he does it, the more his insecurity, inability to cope, fear of being abandoned, not loved, unfairly offended, not accepted. This is not your fault. These qualities of character are formed since childhood, just now began to emerge more strongly. His basic needs to be unconditionally loved, accepted, acknowledged by significant adults have not been satisfied, it should have been laid in him a long time ago by his parents. Here is a brief explanation of his nagging, his resentment. The more thoroughly a man oppresses a woman, the more he himself feels his inferiority deep inside, if she is better than him in something and dares to know about it and feel it, he simply will not endure it, his “ego” will be broken. He will not be able to overcome the problem by himself, he is not aware of it, even if you tell him he will deny it, you will not be able to affect his character and behavior by yourself, because you can change the other person only if he wants to and will begin to work on himself. It is up to you to decide whether you will continue to be with him, whether you will break up with him, whether you will go to marital psychotherapy together. If you are waiting for him to understand and begin to help you, you will waste your time, because men are far from guessing our thoughts, desires and feelings, they need to talk and to explain everything, they live with logic, not with feelings as we do. You have much to think about. In any case, you should change your behavior and attitude towards him and yourself, then something will change in the relationship between you. In order for the man to understand how valuable you really are, how beautiful, worthy of paying attention to you and spending his energy, began to respect, pamper, cherish and cherish – start to do all this, the best, first of all for yourself. This does not mean to stop loving the man, give him attention, care, but only shift the focus of the relationship. Be good first and foremost for yourself (then the man will only switch over), become your main value, an object of effort, a reference point in your life, you are worth it, you will never abandon, hurt, or betray yourself. Each person chooses whether to be happy or unhappy – let yourself become what you want. If you need professional consultation, have questions, want to clarify the situation, get answers, figure it all out, find a way out, write to the chat, I will be glad to help. Good luck, love and harmony with yourself. For the evaluation of the answer will be grateful.

August 18, 2015.

August 18, 2015.

Hello Marina. First, to anyone, do not prove anything and do not convince, as by this you will only give confirmation of that. Well, if the man simply does not want to hear any arguments and stands on its own, it speaks only about the fact that the man is deliberately looking for reasons for quarrels. And, accordingly, and does not value the relationship. And the more you try to keep him, the more the attitude toward you will change, not for the better.


December 11, 2017.

Good evening, Marina. There is an expression: “He who is guilty is justified. If the person is not guilty, he has nothing to justify himself with. It is worth calmly talking to the one who accuses and try to find the reason for the accusation. Translate the conversation so that the accuser will give arguments and evidence of your deception, and not you looking for excuses for what does not exist. The more you make excuses, the more the situation will escalate. Most importantly, try to keep the conversation in calm tones. The quieter and calmer we talk, the more likely it is that we will be heard.

Svetlana Podkovyrova

Good day. Save what kind of relationship you want? If the accusations are frequent and unfounded – you are innocent, but your arguments are not heard, the problem is deeper. You allowed this kind of attitude toward yourself, you attracted this person, perhaps previously provoked. And the constant dialogue “you-not me” will only lead to exhaustion you both. stop making excuses and start working on yourself.

Elena Lenskaya

August 16, 2018.

Hello! Think about it, what do you blame yourself for? What do you feel guilty about to others, to yourself? Awareness of the answers to these questions will radically change the situation, in which there will no longer be a place for outsiders blaming you. People around you are just a reflection of your inner world, and they broadcast exactly what you think about yourself. Good luck to you!

Elena Sokolova

April 12, 2019.

These are temporary difficulties.

Chernyshova Svetlana

Good afternoon! Some complicated construction you have organized with this person inside you. It sounds like the person is experiencing a negative relationship with you, inventing and imposing guilt on you. You want to understand why this is happening? You can speculate about options, but no one can know for sure what is really going on besides this person. For example, it is a transference of the history of relations with another person to you, or this person is infantile and instead of looking for the reason for his troubles in himself he has placed it in you. Whatever it is, you are asking for a constructive solution to this situation. You can use the method of M. Litvak, “Psychological Aikido” – agreeing with the accusation and taking the imposed blame – I am to blame for what doubts and punishment is great. Kill me with tea and jam and porridge with delicious milk!

Respectfully, S. Chernyshova

Vladimir Kind

August 11, 2019.

Since 2015, I think this man drove you into a mental hospital or on lifelong antidepressants.

And the psychologists did not help anything.

Julia Igorevna

October 11, 2019.

If you are sure that you are not guilty, then why start proving your innocence? Perhaps the feeling of guilt is present after all?

Mikhail Kubanin

April 20, 2020.

Marina, hello. You are describing quite a painful situation. I respect the fact that you are trying to resolve the situation and are not getting aggressive. In order to achieve your goal in the relationship, to transform it, to understand the other person and be able to manage the dialogue, using certain techniques and methods, you need to have the resources to do so. For example, it is problematic to act the way you were taught when you are overwhelmed with emotions, you cannot cope with yourself and resist the pressure, or you have imposed feelings. In order to be able to resist all this and do what you need to do, you need to prepare yourself beforehand, to remove what is preventing you, for example, to heal your psychic wounds, to eliminate destructive programs, to train certain skills. Psychotherapy makes this possible. And yes, in therapy you may see new possibilities for your relationship development that you may not have expected. And it will be in a safe way and with the support of a therapist.


It’s about attitude. If you want to be constructive, it unfortunately doesn’t mean that the other side wants to be as well and will behave correctly. Perhaps you are being called into conflict on purpose, and here’s why… I can help you find out.(defining the type of person and the option of behavior in conflict).

6 techniques that will help resist psychological pressure

Many people are not endowed with the resilience to influence from the outside, which is necessary in today’s conditions of communication. They do not know how to fight back against those who put psychological pressure on them, do not know how to get rid of a manipulator or competently get away from emotional blackmail. If you do not learn how to confront all of this, you will make the same mistakes time after time, only making the situation worse.

1. What to do when asked rhetorical questions like, “Do you realize what you’ve done?”

On the face of it, this question may seem harmless, but in certain situations it is used as a promising tool of psychological attack. This phrase, which does not contain an accusatory part, makes you pretty anxious and start analyzing your recent actions. Answering such questions is an exercise in futility, to say the least. But we must keep in mind that even to leave such attacks without an answer is also impossible, otherwise the interlocutor may begin to go too far. Interrupt such a method of psychological pressure can be achieved with a positively colored phrase. Suppose: “Yes, I understand what I did, but I did it because …”. – and then try to explain the reasons for your actions as calmly as possible. You may have an argument, but it will be possible to put it into a constructive way.

2. What to do when you are blamed?

Living with a constant feeling of guilt is simply not possible. Only the manipulator is hardly aware of this, or is not able to draw a line between subjective feelings and objective reality. Accusations can often hide a simple inability to express one’s desires directly. So the emotional terrorist inculcates guilt in you, begins to threaten to deprive you of love and demand attention. The purpose can be anything – from the desire to get what he wants to achieve to an attempt to humiliate you. And we must admit that such an attack works in most cases. As a defense, it is better to respond to the accusations of rejection and not to agree to unnecessary or difficult commitments.

3. what to do when you are threatened?

When a manipulator runs out of all psychological attack options, he resorts to threats. It is not uncommon for a person to start threatening even when he is afraid of you and your actions. More precisely, he thinks that you can negatively affect the quality of his life, his comfort or the achievement of his goals. In such cases, there is no single method of reflecting psychological pressure. Try to understand what exactly drives the person and whether he can seriously harm you, and then act according to the circumstances.

4. What to do when you are under massive attack?

This technique is most common in business, but it is also used in real life outside the office walls. The essence of a massive attack is this. A person is psychologically pressured by all available means at once: he constantly calls, writes, spams emails, waits after work or suddenly pays a visit. The purpose of such an aggressive method is to break the person, to force him to change his initial decision. You can only repel such an attack if you act calmly, not on emotion. Try to deal with specific manifestations of aggression in your direction. Let’s say talk separately with the organizers of this attack and try to explain your position peacefully to them.

5. What to do when you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do?

Of course, the answer “say no” would be too easy. Especially when you consider that the manipulator will try by all means to get you to say the coveted “yes.” If you are in any way dependent on the asker, first try to find out whether your refusal will lead to any undesirable consequences. The most important thing for you is to make the connection sound clear and distinct. Usually the manipulator will try to avoid looking manipulative in your eyes, so take advantage of that.

6. What should you do if someone raises their voice or yells at you?

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