How not to hit children psychologist tips?

How to stop hitting and cursing your child? Advice from psychologists and pediatricians

Often adults see no other way out of the situation except to beat their child. For disobedience, caprice, a cracked cup, brought from school a “D”. The list is endless.

How to stop yelling, bullying, hitting on the ass? Make children listen and listen to parents? Bring joy back into the family?

It depends entirely on the parents’ willingness to fix the situation. It is very dangerous for a child’s psyche to be physically abused by someone close to them. Having once decided to try how not to raise a hand, not to yell, not to hit a child, many moms and dads enjoy the new approach, starting to enjoy life.

Why it’s scary when children are hit by relatives

Punishing your child physically, parents cause him irreparable moral damage. The pain will fade, but the memories of humiliation will leave a mark in your soul. Do you think that children will grow up, will forget, will understand? Moral injuries can manifest themselves in different ways throughout life.

The consequences of situations where parents hit their young child, not knowing what to do with uncontrollable outbursts of rage:

The concepts of “punishment” and “parenting” are being confused.

The purpose of nurture is to help the child learn new skills. Punishment is to exercise external control instead of internal control.

The young person experiences pain, fear of the parents he trusted, feels betrayed.

Later, as he grows up, he continues to resolve conflicts in this way. Parents justify themselves: “I hit him so he’ll learn a lesson, grow into a person.” Think about what kind of person he will grow up to be.

Beating can lead to physical trauma and irreversible consequences.

When you realize and say to yourself, “It’s me, I take it out on my child and beat him,” you’ll see from the sidelines how other parents beat their children. You will understand how fragile the little man is and you will do everything you can to make the pain and fear disappear from your child’s life.

Violence in the family will lead to the same behavior in kindergarten and school.

The baby or teenager will repeat the pattern of behavior adopted in the family. To take out their negative behavior on others.

Corporal punishment is the method that “works” faster than others, so parents use it more often than others. When adults hit children, they cause mental trauma, which reduces the young person’s mental and physical development, a desire for creativity, and diminishes emotions.

Why do adults use force?

It is not in the behavior of the little man, but in the inability of the adult to emerge with dignity from the situation.

Physical violence, even harmless pokes, slaps on the butt, slaps, says one thing – mom or dad does not know that it is possible to behave differently, is unwilling or unable to change their behavior.

Why do adults want to beat a child:

Came home from work tired, irritated, and the bored child falls asleep with questions: when do we read, when do we play? From explanations quickly descend into shouting.

They apply the principle “everyone was beaten as a child, me too, and I will be”.

They want to show who dominates the family.

They believe that hitting children is the most effective way to bring them up. This way the child quickly learns what you can do and what you can’t do. Grow up well-mannered and hardworking.

Take out the irritation accumulated during the day. Abuser often can not hit, but the little man can.

Also, many women make shocking admissions such as “I want to hit him because he reminds me of my late husband. And the baby is beaten because the mother is mentally ill.

Behind all of these reasons are problems in the adult’s head, which he is not able to resolve immediately, often without even realizing that they exist. To clarify the situation, it must be clearly understood that in any case you can do without physical abuse of the baby.

There are calm safe methods of parenting.

If you want to know how to stop yelling at your child, spanking him, then occupy yourself first of all with interesting things to do. You become calmer, and the children will feel it on themselves. Let gradually, but the result will be – chado stop “pestering” (in your opinion), find hobbies, you pull up to his case, and the family peace prevails.

Yell in anger at the child and beat him – for education is contraindicated

To stop, use advice proven by other parents. Read carefully, think about each point. It’s not terrible if you recognize yourself. It’s worse if you want to leave everything as it is, continuing to get bogged down in this quagmire.

Start with yourself.

Can’t help yourself, yelling and hitting your child? There are few parents who are actually abusive and take joy in physically abusing their children. The vast majority of moms and dads are very sorry for their behavior, often crying with their abused child and asking for forgiveness.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. Each time you will fight the temptation to solve the problem of disobedience fast familiar way. But in time you will feel that the abolition of physical violence levels the situation, makes children understandable, obedient, establishes peace in the family.

What is needed to do this?

Stop telling the little person how to behave. It does not work. He opposes you, you throw at him with pokes, slaps.

Show your behavior, what you need to do. After all, children are a reflection of us.

Teach them to be orderly? And you put all the things in their place?

Children do not let you rest after a day of work? And you do it when they come home from school or kindergarten? Or load them with things, only to be constantly busy, not playing on the phone, not asking you to solve the problem?

In any situation, look at yourself and ask a question: what do I do in the same circumstances? You hurt if your own child pounces on you with his fists, trying to take something by force. So why do you show that only physical violence gets results?

Take your anger and work with it.

Many parents complain: “I’m yelling and hitting my one- or three-year-old, I can’t help myself, what do I do?”

This is where the negative emotion of “anger” comes in. While the children are small, the mother spends more time with them. She is very tired, she doesn’t have the energy for positive experiences. She knows and uses various calming techniques, but still complains that “At some point I snap in anger, I scream, and I’ve already beaten him. What do I do?”

To begin with, you have to understand – we often take our anger out on those we love. Especially on those who are weaker or silent. Emotions exist separately from our love. They arise in the brain. We need to separate them from our feelings.

Take time to dig inside yourself, notice when you start to feel anger, realize clearly – is it needed now? Will it help fix the situation or, conversely, only make it worse?

It’s better, when a child is not beaten for the broken cup, and quickly put together fragments, kisses, hugs, saying “it happens” and happy to go on to do their business. The mood improves for all.

Kiss and hug him. He will not grow out of this pampered person. On the contrary, having received enough warmth and affection in childhood, in adulthood, a man will seek not a “babysitter” for himself, and someone who can give his care.

Take care of your own spiritual balance

You are tired after a day. You want to say: “leave me alone, let me rest. Better do the following.

While you’re cooking dinner or doing the dishes, play a quiet game with your baby, such as words. Or give him a piece of paper and pencils, and let him draw his mother, sitting next to him at the kitchen table.

Turn on the TV, lie down on the couch? Draw together with your baby. Play dolls, construction, cars. You do not need much – just help, you can lie down. 20-30 minutes of quiet exercises, and satisfied child will go on their business, and you have a little rest.

Think of yourself a little joy. Understand what you get pleasure from. Maybe it’s a big teddy bear, which you can cuddle, or a walk in the park in the rain. A museum, dancing, fishing, flowers – make your list, and spoil yourself from time to time.

It will make everyone feel good, and the question of how to restrain yourself from hitting the child will leave you. Calm parents – calm children.

Mistakes are part of life.

Get your kids used to this thought. Mistakes are an integral part of the learning process. Admit to yourself, “I beat my child.” Hug him and tell him directly that you made a mistake. What to do? Ask for the opportunity to correct it. Children will understand that adults also make “mistakes,” but everything can be corrected. And then they will apply the same approach to another situation.

Some will argue that this is a long way to go. You can achieve something much faster if you use physical punishment from time to time.

But children remember their attitudes. Next time they will behave themselves, not because they want to, but to avoid scolding their parents, not to feel the shocks, slaps. Or for a price – toys, rides, an extra hour on the computer.

And then they will give the same education based on fear and gain to their children.

Often moms ask friends and professionals, “Why am I hitting my older child, what should I do?” Because the little one is still weak and fragile, his parents don’t have a hand on him. For now. Later it will be his turn. In the meantime, the baby sees that his mother doesn’t know how to restrain herself from hitting him. He is only happy for one thing – it’s good, I did not get it.

But this method will help bring up a weak creature who will try by all means to avoid punishment, trickery, subterfuge. The child whose parents do not know how to stop shouting at a small child and beat him on the ass, will take revenge on his parents, to take out anger on those who are weaker (younger children, animals). There is a chain reaction. That is why physical violence is a dead end.

Don’t beat – Dr. Komarovsky advises.

He himself admitted that at least once, but his children received a “soft spot. Sometimes this is the only quick way to stop the little man from making the wrong move. The main thing here – do not hurt, but rather daze the child, to protect him from, for example, to throw him on the road or hit his mother.

When asked by parents to help them, to teach them how to stop hitting their children for disobedience, Komarovsky answers succinctly: “Do not lay a finger on them. Not under any circumstances. Only in emergencies, but not painfully.”

So, put yourself in the place of a little man, look at the world through his eyes. If it will not be possible at once – try again and again, until you can refuse physical punishment completely.

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Is it possible to hit children: 8 facts about physical punishment

Some parents hit their children for educational purposes, some – from the impotence to fight the destructive activity of their child, some – from ignorance of how to act otherwise, and the fourth – because of the hereditary pattern of behavior, which is transmitted in the family from generation to generation. Is it okay to hit children? How do physical methods of punishment affect a child’s psyche and health? These questions were answered by child psychologist Yunia Korneeva and neurologist Victoria Gabysheva.

Is it possible to beat a child?

Is it acceptable to physically punish children for minor offenses – they broke a vase, dropped a flower pot, took a toy from another kid, tore the wallpaper, said an obscene word?

YK: No matter how awful and nasty misconduct of your child, it is important not to take off on his emotions, and remain cool and reasonable. In this case, the task of parents is that at the time of punishment is not to knock out of the child a sense of security and safety. That is, the main message should be not “You are bad,” but “You did a bad thing. Do you feel the difference?

В. Г. If you decide to spank a child, then first get on his level: kneel or sit down to be at the same height with him. And then think about how he will be able to respond to you in case of physical impact on him, how he will be able to stand up for himself.

The worst thing for a little person is not being able to say, “You can’t act like this with me and touch me with your hands. Under no circumstances should you go over the zone of hand-to-hand abuse.

What happens to the child at the moment of punishment?

Y.K.: The most important and most terrible is the loss of the feeling of safety and security. That very feeling, which is the foundation for healthy psychological development of the child. This mechanism is very similar to a house building: without a strong and steady foundation, it is impossible to erect walls and put a roof.

В. Г. If you take a swing at a child, he begins a physiological process: everything inside shrinks-especially the anus, the sphincter. He wants to close himself in the “house. This terror directed at him, he blocks and creates a clamp in the whole bloodstream, and this leads to hypoxia and an inability to respond properly to the world around him. Hence developmental delay.

What age is considered the most sensitive, when violent methods lead to serious problems?

Y.K. : At any age, physical punishment is a huge stress. Up to three years old a child is still emotionally connected with his mother and if she causes him physical pain, it will certainly affect the psycho-emotional development of the baby. But even after the age of three, any physical influence will definitely leave a trace in his psyche. With the help of such punishments you can teach the child to obey, to carry out the desires as you please. But you should not forget that, having left the parental family, he will take with him this skill: and to whom he will obey after you – the big question!

What are the mental health consequences?

What can a harmless, according to parents, slap on the lips and butt or a light blow with a belt affect?

Y.K. : Any physical punishment, be it a blow, a spanking, a slap, a slap on the wrist, a sharp yank on the arm, has an equally negative effect on a child. Physical influence on the child is like fixing a microchip with a sledgehammer. Psychosexual development is inhibited by such methods: natural qualities and talents remain undeveloped. It’s like picking a green orange from a tree and expecting it to be sweet.

В. Г. Children who constantly shudder at the expectation of physical punishment are not able to concentrate either on toys or on lessons.

During physical punishments, the child can develop fear of parents: over time, this develops into neurosis, deep resentment and hatred. Against the background of such a condition, it is easier for the child to stay away from mom and dad, sit in a corner, and play alone. Such a child then adapts very badly in the world around him: in communication with peers and other people in kindergarten, school.

I worked with children from 6 to 15 years old who hate their parents. They say, “I have to put up with this,” “I don’t know when it’s going to end,” “I wish they would just stop hitting me.”

And we are learning with them to open our hearts to love, tenderness and care. “Getting them out” is very difficult. Parents in these situations sometimes say that their children have become withdrawn, closed. But the root cause is not the child: with each blow the amount of resentment grows, their natural connection with their relatives is broken. There will never be mutual understanding in an abusive family.

A humiliated child is always alone. In such a state, he may get into bad companies, start abusing bad habits, think about suicide. He will try to find himself. It is impossible to change his outlook, because what he has not been given, he will look for in “pleasure”.

A child who has been beaten as a child, going out, is always very wary: to sudden movements, sounds. Can not find friends, he has a hard time trusting someone, and in the relationship with the other half, too. In the future, he has low self-esteem and confidence in life and in himself. Also, he will always be haunted by the right of the strongman: either he will feel someone’s power over him, or he himself will start to use it against those who are weaker than him – his children, his partner.

How does physical violence affect your sense of personal boundaries?

Y.K.: If the family does not take into account the child’s opinion, physical boundaries do not matter, and his emotions and attempts to say “no” cause irritation and aggression in parents, then the world around will treat the child the same way: for example, this scenario is established – the future partner can also use physical and psychological violence against him. Such children, already being adults, most often enter into abusive relationships.

В. Г. If you spanked your baby at the age of 1,5-2 years, it means that you allowed him to touch his body violently. The moment the child goes out into the world around him, he will understand that he can be touched with force, rudeness, hatred and anger. This is how the boundary of inviolability is violated.

How Physical Punishment Affects a Child’s Health

What parts of the body should never be hit and why?

В. Г. : If you hit a child on the head, he may have minimal brain dysfunction, hematoma, hemorrhage, microtrauma of the brain. If you hit the lips, it can lead to injuries in the temporal or frontal lobes.

It is impossible to calculate the force of the blow, therefore it is inflicted most often in an emotional outburst. And then, except for physical consequences, it is possible to notice that the child becomes less understanding of everything, speaks badly.

Such children begin to have attention deficit, hyperactivity.

Is it necessary to adopt a parent’s experience

Are there any statistics, as grown children who used to be beaten, do with their children?

В. Г. In 90% of cases, a battered child will do the same, because he doesn’t know any other way. But there are also those who, having grown up, realize that they do not want to do this to their kid in such a cruel way.

Y.K. : Often parents say, “I was beaten as a child, and nothing: I grew up to be a normal person!” But this is a big trap, because apparently the methods of education used 25-30 years ago, are not suitable for today’s children. The world and society have changed dramatically, and children themselves are now different. The volume of the psyche of modern children is several times greater than even 30 years ago.

How to properly punish children.

What are the rules, how to avoid slaps and punches, to respond to the wrongdoings of the child?

It is important to remember that we punish the child in order to explain something to him, to teach him, to set boundaries of the permitted, but not to humiliate, insult and offend.

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