How not to give yourself offense.
What kinds of resentment can be found in everyday life. What causes they may have. What are the most effective methods of dealing with it.
Content:
What to do if you are offended on a daily basis? If you wake up and go to sleep with a terrible feeling of resentment against others? Is there a way out of this vicious circle?
First it’s worth defining what resentment is and where it comes from. In the simplest sense of resentment – it is a feeling caused by grief or insult, which affects your inner sense of self. When you are purposely humiliated, not listened to, not understood. It is the feeling when your desires and needs have been rejected. But it is impossible to live well and qualitatively with this feeling. You have to learn how to eradicate it, and today I will give tips on how to do this most effectively.
Causes of resentment and options for dealing with them
Let’s look at the main situations where resentment can originate, and immediately identify the most effective ways to combat it.
Problems in the family
Women sometimes face misunderstanding and aggression in their own family. Most often this is seen in their relationship with a man. They try to avoid conflicts by any means, to smooth over sharp angles. But it’s a losing option, because every unspoken phrase or repressed action will be followed by resentment.
Ask yourself the question, “Why am I afraid of conflict?” If you think your partner won’t accept you if you disagree with them, you need to work through childhood traumas. Perhaps as a child your parents instilled in you the feeling that they would love you less if you upset them. And now, as an adult, you do not want to lose your partner’s love if they are disappointed in you because of an argument. And you prefer not to fight at all.
Another option is that your “subconscious child” is afraid to be punished for their actions. Everyone remembers the attitude from childhood: behave badly – will not get a chocolate bar, do not go for a walk, you’ll get a belt. And the adult, who is not developing spiritually, afraid of any punishment, although no one else has the right to do it.
In both cases you will accumulate resentment.
I advise women to take a commensurate share of the responsibility for family well-being. You must understand that in a healthy relationship you do not have to adjust to the other person, unconditionally comply with his demands and keep your desires silent. It is important for you to control your inner state and take care of their own well-being, to work through the frustrations and discuss them with your partner.
Problems at work
Each of us has faced problems during the work process. Whether it’s conflicts with supervisors, competition with co-workers, difficulties with clients, and more. It is impossible to think of a job where a person was able to avoid all contact. One way or another, we enter into communication with people.
If you have conflicts with your boss, and you hold a grudge against him, you need to find out the reason for the misunderstanding. If your supervisor is not satisfied with the quality of your work, ask yourself the question: “Am I professional enough in this case?” If objectively you are a good specialist and perform the duties at the proper level, the reason may be of a personal nature. Perhaps he is not satisfied with your appearance, the way you talk, or even the smell of perfume. You should not speculate, it is better to discuss it face to face. The only problem in this kind of conflict is your dependence, because the boss may deprive you of your job. There are two factors to consider here, asking yourself the questions:
- “Am I willing to quit if the outcome is unfavorable?”
- “Do I have a financial safety net?”
If the answer is yes to both questions, then you can go right now and discuss the situation with your manager and try to find a satisfying way out. After all, if you are quietly resentful and tolerant, you could be working in an uncomfortable and destructive environment for the rest of your life.
If you have problems with your colleagues, here is a possible option with the fear of competition or a desire to be for all to be convenient. You can do the same with your superiors, just remember that your conversation should be conducted on an equal footing.
Problems with others
If you are often offended by people close to you, family or friends, it is likely that you have problems with building personal boundaries. If you are hurt by certain statements to you, incorrect actions or actions, then learn to say that you do not like it.
Yes, it sounds simple, but in fact many people have difficulties with it. If you are silent when you get unnecessary advice, criticize your appearance or methods of education, nip it in the bud. Say immediately to the interlocutor: “I do not like it,” and watch his reaction. Spiritually developed and conscious person will not continue the conversation in this direction and stop.
But if you have a weak and emotionally unstable person in front of you, there may be difficulties. The person may continue in the same vein, start a scandal, or even be offended by your reaction! Yes, this is also possible. But you don’t have to be responsible for other people’s feelings, you have to meet your own needs and value your own peace of mind. This is what I teach my students, this life wisdom I put at the head of my courses.
Resentment never goes anywhere, it has the unique ability to accumulate. And the longer you tolerate, allow yourself to be hurt and upset, the bigger the lump it will become. At one moment you can fall into a terrible depression or become seriously ill for no apparent reason.
What will the training at the Academy of Conscious Thinking give you?
My main goal is to teach you not to be afraid to hear your needs, not to let yourself be taken advantage of and to assert your right to be heard. Do not try to change those around you, start with yourself. After all, the main value in the life of any person should be himself first of all!
You have to realize where your offense comes from, what was the root cause of its appearance. And only then will you be able to get rid of it. If you feel like a child who is afraid of other adults, it’s time to grow up. If you feel financially unstable, you need to address this issue. If you have self-esteem issues, start working on it. In all of these issues, training helps, which is where I’m waiting for you. Take a step toward a happy life!
Don’t give yourself a hard time. 10 phrases that will put the boor in his place
Everyone occasionally encounters with rudeness. Rude can be not only those with whom you have an unpleasant relationship, but also random people: fellow travelers on public transport, patients from the queue at the clinic, sellers in the store. Often intelligent people are lost in a conversation with a boor: this only gives the offender more confidence. Psychologist Vladimir Klimov tells how to politely answer a rude person to put him in his place and save your nerves.
“Thank you.”
The psychologist says: a thank you in response to rudeness will discourage your abuser. “The word ‘thank you’ alone will let your opponent know that you don’t give a damn about his rudeness,” Klimov explains. – Consequently, continuing to insult you is simply pointless. In any case, such a non-standard response will bring the boor into a stupor, and he will have nothing to say.”
“Are you always this angry?”
According to the expert, sometimes rude people themselves do not notice their aggressive attitude toward other people. If such a person is asked directly whether he is always angry and reacts inadequately to what is going on, he may think about it and try to control himself next time.
“What do you want from me?”
The main thing in an argument with a rude person is not to break down into shouting himself, thereby lowering himself to the level of his opponent. If the rude person expresses his hostility to you in a high tone, calmly ask what he wants to achieve, what he needs from you. Surely the boor can not find an answer to this question, and the conflict will be over.
“How good you are at being rude!”
Not everyone can come up with a witty phrase on the fly, so it can be learned in advance. Respond to the offender with humor: praise his ability to be rude. There can be several options: “How good you are at rudeness!”, “How do you think up nasty things so quickly!”, “You have long been preparing for your speech?”, “You can’t take away the talent to be rude! If your opponent has any sense of humor, he’ll shut up right away.
“I respect your opinion.”
A rude person is always at a loss when rudeness is responded to politely. Tell your interlocutor that his opinion is important to you, that you respect him. This is something the aggressor obviously won’t expect! “You will let the offender know by your response that you are ready to continue your communication, but only in polite tones,” says the psychologist. – A negative person is unlikely to want to turn the conversation into an intelligent one, so he will just leave you alone.”
“How would you respond yourself?”
One of the surest ways to put the man in his place is to invite him to imagine himself as a victim. If you’re already tired of hearing rudeness, discourage the boor by asking him how he would behave in your place, what he would say to the offender: “What would you say if you became so insulted?” No one would want to be in that situation: the rude person would hurry to end the unpleasant conversation.
“You are absolutely right.”
If behind the insults of your abuser hides at least a little bit of truth, do not be afraid to admit his rightness. For example, when an elderly person rudely expresses to you his dissatisfaction about the fact that you did not give him the right of way in transport, do not pay attention to the rudeness, and instead just calmly apologize and say that the interlocutor is absolutely right. In this way, the reason for continuing the conflict will disappear.
What the rude person certainly doesn’t expect to hear is loud, gushing laughter. After such a reaction, the boor will either realize that it is useless to continue the attacks, or he will decide that you are not in your right mind – and stop insulting you. “And some may even start laughing with you!” says Klimov.
“I love you.”
A declaration of love is appropriate in an argument with loved ones. When your family member runs out of arguments in a conflict with you and begins to turn to rudeness and insults, simply remind your relative that you love him or her. The reason for the quarrel will immediately seem irrelevant to both of you, and reconciliation will be just around the corner.
“This is the end of our conversation.”
Never stoop to the level of being rude! When you feel that you can no longer tolerate rudeness and are ready to respond in the same way, politely tell your companion that it is time to stop the conversation. “It is quite possible that such an offer will be to the liking of your offender, – says the expert. – Often such people are happy to stop clarification of the relationship, but they can not stop. But it is so easy to end an unpleasant argument!
