What love does to the brain, why breakups cause real pain, and how to get over a breakup with science
A fight with a friend, a breakup with a lover, a breakup after several years together, rejection by your company, the loss of your parents, divorce from your spouse, widowhood-all these types of loss of meaningful connections cause a person suffering of varying degrees of tolerance. Nastya Travkina, editorial director of The Knife and host of the Nastiglo channel, explains why there is no way to survive the loss of intimacy and not feel pain.
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It has to do with the fact that we are created to have relationships with other people and to seek intimacy. In the transformation of the primate brain into a human brain, social connections, which include love, played and continue to play a huge role. Let’s understand how love brain chemistry works, what happens to the body at the moment of separation, and how to cope with the painful feelings and experiences.
How Love Affects the Brain
To understand what happens to the brain during a separation, we need to refresh our memories of the physiological processes that accompany falling in love and the development of attachment in mammals and humans. Science cannot answer the question of why humans and animals choose one partner over another, but we know quite well what happens in the body.
Butterflies in the stomach and physiological attraction are caused by sex hormones, mainly testosterone (in both sexes). It doesn’t make people fall in love – only provides libido.
II. Falling in love
The neurotransmitter dopamine provides the motivation to move and pursue a partner. It activates the “reward system” in lovers’ brains in direct proportion to the level of their subjective infatuation, promising pleasure and forcing to pursue the object of passion.
Additional energy of passion is provided by cortisol, it not only activates forces, but also puts the body under stress. Adrenal glands actively produce adrenaline. Hence the sweating, the frantic heartbeat and the desire to jump and jump that we feel during the first contacts with the person we like.
People in love have elevated levels of norepinephrine. This hormone is involved in fixing new stimuli in memory, including the process of “imprinting” into the memory of animals – imprinting. Apparently, this is why the image of the beloved gets stuck in the memory. We can think of the object of passion to the point of obsession often also due to a decrease in serotonin levels. Those who are acutely in love have lower serotonin levels-as do those suffering from true obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Attachment is a shared affection not only between humans, but also with other living beings when they defend a common territory, nest together, care for one another, share the care of their offspring, and feel homesick when they are apart.
When feelings are reciprocated and lovers form a couple, their cortisol levels drop and serotonin levels rise again, and constant physical contact “pumps” attachment hormones into the couple.
In humans, love alliance is associated with feelings of security, calmness, and emotional unity. Such feelings are mainly related to oxytocin. It is produced during social and bodily contact, embrace, sex, especially during orgasm – and its level is higher in couples who have spent more time with each other. It also shapes parenting behavior, pushing a couple to stay with each other long enough to nurture offspring and continue their species.
IV. Why so many things
Apparently, nature created such a complex chemical process to motivate two very different individuals to form a pair to conceive, nurture and raise children. All this time, the people in the couple are in a state of narcotic intoxication, a love illusion for which they are willing to do a lot.
What happens in the body during a breakup
When this physiological cycle is suddenly interrupted, the body goes into serious imbalance. Dopamine continues to stay high for a while even in the absence of the object of love – which means that the motivation to connect with the other person does not diminish, giving rise to anxiety and dissatisfaction. When the inertia of this process stops and dopamine production slows, on the contrary, depression, apathy, and lack of motivation set in. Many will be drawn to the dopamine “needle” of alcohol, psychoactive substances, or promiscuous sex (all of which don’t help, but only increase the imbalance).
People in love find less activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for experiencing intense emotions, especially negative ones like fear, anxiety and anger. They have a less active posterior cingulate gyrus, which is often associated with experiencing pain.
Experiments have shown that even when women simply hold their beloved spouses’ hands, their brains have a weaker stress-response system in response to current shocks – and the more satisfied they are with their marriage, the calmer they remain.
When we are deprived of such an important support for our body’s equilibrium as a partner-even if we ourselves were the initiator of the breakup and even more so if we were suddenly abandoned-we unintentionally experience a whole complex of fears, anxieties, and dissatisfaction.
II. Real pain
Not only that, but rejection triggers the same reaction in the brain as physical pain. Looking at a portrait of former lovers activates the secondary somatosensory cortex and insular lobe, which are responsible for generating complex physical sensations-the same active in those who hit themselves on the finger with a hammer.
This means that the pain of a breakup is real.
A broken heart causes the same stress and activates the same zones as a broken leg: the moment of any social rejection releases opioids into the brain, natural painkillers whose presence usually indicates real trauma.
III. Heart problems
By the way, the heart can also really suffer from breakups. Broken heart syndrome, as takotsubo syndrome is often called, is a failure of the heart muscle under the influence of severe emotional stress. Such problems may be discovered after the death of a spouse, manifest as chest pains and can lead to death. Postmenopausal women’s hearts are most at risk, but both sexes suffer from it at all ages. Stress can also provoke risky behavior, increasing the possibility of dying in an accident, under the influence of high doses of alcohol or drugs, or in a fight.
IV. Intrusive thoughts.
The nasty part is that our brains, through evolution, have become accustomed to focusing our attention on threats. And if something causes stress and pain, it is seen as a threat. So the desire to follow the life of a former lover, despite all the pain it causes, is a consequence of some “stupidity” of our brain, its biological automatism. And don’t forget the low serotonin levels that cause intrusive thoughts. So it makes sense to make it harder for him to painfully reflect: maybe removing exes from your friends looks childish, but it still works. But don’t deny your feelings and avoid thinking about the breakup in a constructive way.
What it means.
Feeling terrible after a breakup is normal and natural. Chemically, love is similar to drug intoxication, and a breakup is like an addict’s withdrawal syndrome in the absence of a dose of a substance that usually provides high levels of dopamine. Roughly the same longing is said to be felt for cocaine after breaking up with it.
Our brain is quite capable of coping with both addiction and breakup. It just needs time. Don’t rush yourself: you can digest your emotions for as long as you need.
In a survey I did for my telegram channel, 58% of people said they lost a loved one a year to five years ago, with 66% saying they still feel pain.
Think of it as an illness from which to recover (by the way, severe stress does lead to a drop in immunity and increases the risk of contracting all sorts of viruses in addition to reactive depression).
Understanding that some of these heartbreaking feelings are not in the soul, but in the body, provides some relief and a sense of control. We can more or less control our bodies and make them feel a little less stressed and have a little more fun.
Don’t undermine an already unbalanced reward system with alcohol and drugs (at least know the limits of drunken grief if you can’t help it). Help your dopamine. Of wholesome activities, he likes movement, cognition, and the fulfillment of small short-term goals the most. The reward system will reward you with a boost for making and executing plans, whether it’s cleaning the house, watching a long delayed movie, trying to go for your first run in three years, or at least clearing your inbox of spam until it’s completely empty.
This is why many people make astounding personal strides in sports and education after a breakup, because a great resource of attention and motivation is freed up.
To get a little joy and calmness helps to communicate with a close circle: family, friends, like-minded people – the brain “loves” social acceptance. And, of course, we must not forget about safe methods of relaxation: walks in the fresh air, massage, meditation and various relaxation techniques.
The physiological cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones that bubbles up in us during and after a breakup provokes not only physical sensations. These substances regulate emotions and make us feel and experience.
So if you want to ask if you can avoid this mixture of pain, bitterness, hope, resentment, despair and more, the correct answer is no.
You can try to deny your emotions, run from their awareness, or try to give them a different coloring – it’s not me who is suffering from the loss of a loved one, it’s me who is angry; I am suffering not because I loved him, but because he turned out to be an asshole. But like awareness of other traumatic events, this too must go through the universal stages of grieving – shock, denial, anger, bargaining, humility – and come to an acceptance of the situation and a restoration of wholeness.
Loss of one’s own identity
Much of the psychological frustration after a breakup stems from the fact that during a relationship we embed our partner in our own identity. Many look at themselves through the eyes of the lover and borrow their vision for self-identification and for building a picture of the future. Tearing out one of the basic elements from this picture causes us to experience a sense of destruction of the self image and a loss of control over our lives and confusion.
Often we grieve not so much for a particular person, but for the picture of our self that they have allowed us to build. Awareness of this fact helps shift the focus to working on our own condition.
The question “who am I?” is a normal existential question for singles and families, polyamorous people, young people and old people. Its complexity forces us to look for the answer – in activity, creativity or philosophical pursuits. It just sounds louder in moments of crisis.
Use this moment to think about what you expect from life and who you want to become. Otherwise you’ll fall in love again, and it will not be up to existentialism.
Loss of adequate self-esteem
Very often a breakup leads not only to difficulties in self-identification, but also to a decrease in self-esteem. This is especially true for those who have been left behind. In such a situation, it may seem that there is something wrong with you since your partner left you. But this erroneous direction of thought only leads to worsening self-esteem problems and going in circles.
The person we love and his attention to us gives us value in our own eyes. When he leaves, we feel that what he loved us for has devalued-we are not as good as we once seemed. Separating the pain of lost intimacy and love from the pain of wounded pride can be very helpful for recovery.
Be realistic: Almost all people have been or will be abandoned at least once during their lives. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with everyone: we’re all very different, see the world differently, and may be at different stages in our lives when we meet someone.
The most frequent consequences of self-esteem problems are devaluation of the former partner and the relationship with him or, on the contrary, idealization of the past.
Impairment. Some people consider devaluation-ignoring a partner by making derogatory remarks, cultivating contempt, and telling friends about your indifference or hatred for that person-to be a good cure for low self-esteem. But this is not the best way for us to go about it. By devaluing a former lover, we also lose the value of the time we spent together, the experiences that changed us and made us more mature, and we deny the parts of ourselves that matured in that relationship-and that we need to live life to the fullest.
Idealization. The other extreme is idealization of the past, where you fixate only on the best moments, collect them and shed tears, going through them like a Buddhist monk goes through his rosary. Of course, it’s hard for us to get over the loss of someone who was there for us in a difficult moment and on whom we could rely – not only in matters, but also emotionally, in our insecurities, insecurities and other things. But remember the distinction between mature and immature love, articulated by Erich Fromm in his book The Art of Loving: “Immature love says, ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says, ‘I need you because I love you,'” strive for a mature understanding of love.
Both strategies of devaluing and idealizing your former partner lead to emotional imbalance.
Diary for self-therapy
Keeping a journal is useful during any emotional upheaval, it allows you to express all the feelings and thoughts that torment you and becomes a calm for the mind, compulsively returning to the object of former love.
Use a notebook, a pen, and your mind to take back control of your self-evaluation. Write down on paper, both the things for which you are grateful to your partner, and the criticisms and regrets that have accumulated during the relationship. Formulate why your relationship didn’t work: you wanted different things from life, didn’t agree on values, the relationship was painful, someone suppressed someone. Make a list of what you had to sacrifice and compromise on that you didn’t want. Write down your daily thoughts and experiences, trying to make sense of the past stage and crystallize it into an experience.
It is this experience at the end of your breakup experience that will become a new part of your identity, your wisdom and maturity. A meaningful experience is your wealth. Even painful experiences can benefit your personality if they are realized and worked through.
The restoration of autonomy and the ability to rely on yourself will serve your personality well: you are complete, and you do not need another person to be of value, to know what to do and who to be.
After this work of becoming aware of your emotional experience, you will feel relief and the beginning of a new life. Studies show that people who understand the reasons for a relationship breakup recover faster and are more satisfied with their next relationship than those who do not reflect on it.
The social background of a breakup.
You may feel uncomfortable and even ashamed explaining to people you know that you and your partner have broken up. You have to face not only internal uncertainty, but also external uncertainty: the future you planned will never happen again – just as the image of your future self is gone forever.
I. Uncertainty and fear of loneliness
All of these worries have only indirect relevance to love and its loss. We feel similar stress when we graduate from school or college, lose our jobs, or move to another country. Uncertainty is the main stressor here. Our brain is not at all well adapted to uncertainty and suddenness, but any novelty soon becomes commonplace for it.
But uncertainty guarantees you freedom of action. The period after the breakup with a long-term partner – one of the most fruitful for the revaluation of values and setting new goals, because at that moment a huge number of obligations is removed from you, and you now have more maneuvering power to dramatically change your life.
We may be troubled by the fear of being alone. It may feel like we can never love again or be happy. Pictures of happiness, success, and an established life can be pressured by the assertion of the superiority of couples over singles. Watching popular movies about love only exacerbates the feeling that something has gone wrong in your life.
II. “Fake Love.”
The main mistake we make in thinking about past happiness has to do with the pop-cultural version of love that is shown in popular movies, songs, and fairy tales. Love is supposed to be stable, the same, begin with passion, quickly result in marriage (or, well, the formation of a modern monogamous couple), and then last forever.
It seems to us that if our love ended, it was a fatal mistake and not real love at all. This statement is false.
Love is valuable as an experience: the experience of knowing the other, the self, the experience of being supermotivated and inspired to care, the experience of experiencing the acceptance of the other – and the acceptance of the other. It is a unique experience that will remain with you even years after your pain is gone and as you forget many of the details you remember now. Ending does not diminish the value of love in the same way that a person’s death does not diminish the actions and feelings they did and experienced while alive.
The brain is malleable. It responds and adapts to intense experiences. The storm of experiences is gradual, because if you take and abruptly interrupt the whole complex chemical process that goes on in the brain of two people in a couple, you can cause serious damage to the whole system. It has to come into balance on its own and is quite capable of doing so.
Sometimes science and triviality converge: it does get better over time, although it’s impossible to believe that now.
One day (whether in a month or a few years) you suddenly feel free of bitterness, resentment and regret. The important thing, as science shows, is to fully comprehend your experience in order to move on.
“Our brain behaves strangely” How to get over a breakup and why the breakup with a loved one is so painful?
Breaking up with a loved one is a difficult and traumatic event, sometimes we feel like the whole world has crumbled after the breakup. The pain and bitterness can accompany us for months and even years, but it is possible to get rid of it and move on. “Lenta.ru” dealt with how to survive the process and move on.
Why do people break up and not live “happily ever after?
There is no single answer to this question, the reasons for separation differ for everyone: from the mismatch of characters to life circumstances.
However, it is possible to identify the main reasons. It happens that we start a relationship with certain expectations of the partner, and over time we realize that they are not justified. We have disappointments, conflicts, divergence of goals, views on life and it seems to us that there is a “wrong” person next to us.
Or one partner changes over time, while the other does it more slowly or does not change at all – because of this one person can get out of the zone of interest of the other. Violence or manipulation also becomes a valid reason for separation.
Among the main reasons for a breakup are the following:
1. lack of trust; 2. difference in priorities; 3. violence or manipulation; 4. unfulfilled hopes and expectations; 5. partner addiction (alcohol, drug, game addiction); 6. dulling of feelings over time; 7. life and financial difficulties.
What is the break-up like?
Since there may be different factors that cause the breakup with a partner, the process of separation as well as its consequences may vary. Psychologists distinguish several types.
1. Constructive breakup – in this case people simply cannot eliminate the causes that lead to the breakup, and decide to free themselves from the relationship. At the same time, the breakup itself is not very painful. After the breakup, people do not hold grudges against each other, their relationships remain calm and are based on mutual respect, and it does not matter which of the partners initiated the breakup.
2. Incomplete Gestalt – People have reasons for breaking up, but no strength, and they come up with excuses to preserve the relationship, for example, referring to the children or joint mortgage. In such couples there is often cheating, and the partners realize that the relationship has changed, there is no trust and passion in it anymore, but they are afraid of change.
3. traumatic breakup – people decide to break up for good because they have accumulated a lot of resentment and pain. Such a decision can be quite reasonable and constructive. In this case, one of the partners is not ready to let the other go, and more often than not, it is these kinds of breakups that bring the most painful experiences.
4. postponed breakup – people break up for a while to take a break and make a decision about the further development of the relationship. This is not as hard to experience as a “traumatic breakup,” but exactly until a final decision is made.
5. A pseudo-breakup is a situation that one of the partners, who does not really want to break up the relationship, creates on purpose through manipulation. He needs it for a specific purpose or to get the illusion of freedom, or to dilute a fading relationship. Sometimes this becomes a habitual situation for the couple, and the manipulator’s goals are not achieved. It also happens that the other partner gets tired or the manipulator himself ceases to see the benefit in this behavior, and after another breakup, the relationship ends finally and truly.
In addition, relationships are divided into healthy and neurotic. Despite the fact that in both, a breakup can happen, in the case of the healthy it is lived more easily, as the partners have established a dialogue and the decision will not be unexpected. But even in this case, it is necessary to get used to a new life and to give oneself time for emotional and everyday separation from the person.
In the case of a neurotic relationship, there is usually a lack of trust, honesty, and frankness in the couple. People may not even really know each other, so the decision to break up can be unexpected. Someone who has not made this decision is likely to have a difficult traumatic experience, which can lead to psychological trauma or exacerbation of old ones. In a neurotic relationship, the partner loves through suffering because he or she has no experience of a happy relationship, and when a breakup occurs, the main fear is embodied – he or she has been abandoned, and chronic trauma surfacing that prevents looking at the situation from a different angle and drawing the right conclusions.
Why does a breakup hurt so much?
The fact that love affects our brain and hormones, triggering different processes in the body, found out journalist, author of articles on the work of the brain and psychology Anastasia Travkina.
For example, sex hormones (mainly testosterone) make us feel the “butterflies in the stomach,” but they are responsible for libido, but not for feelings. But the neurotransmitter dopamine is responsible for love and the desire to pursue a partner. Together with dopamine, cortisol is also involved in the formation of feelings of falling in love, producing adrenaline and putting us under stress – so our heart rate increases and we are literally ready to jump to the ceiling when the first meetings with the person we like take place.
The following is also the case for people who are in love: the level of noradrenaline rises, which “prints” new stimuli into our memory – it is assumed that this is why the image of the person is firmly fixed in our memory and we cannot think about anything but him. We also have lower serotonin levels, like people who are depressed and obsessive-compulsive.
When people realize that the feelings are mutual, they form a couple, and cortisol levels go down and serotonin levels go up. With the emergence of unity, people have a sense of security and peace of mind because oxytocin is produced during social and bodily contact, which also pushes the couple into a long-term relationship to continue the species and nurture offspring.
And when this cycle is disrupted during a breakup, an imbalance occurs in the body: dopamine stays high for a while, provoking anxiety over the absence of the object of love. When it becomes lower, apathy sets in, which you want to take out with something (promiscuous sex, psychoactive substances or alcohol), but this will not help, and will only aggravate the condition. Physical pain may also occur, because the lobes of the brain responsible for physical sensations are activated, and heart pain. Stress can also provoke risky, life-threatening behavior.
That said, our brains behave strangely – have you often caught yourself wanting to follow an ex-partner on social media after a breakup? It’s all because the brain sees as a threat the things that cause stress and pain and sharpen its focus on them.
Feeling terrible after a breakup is normal and natural. Chemically, love is similar to narcotic intoxication, and breakup is like an addict’s withdrawal syndrome in the absence of a dose of a substance that usually provides high levels of dopamine. Approximately the same longing is said to be felt for cocaine after breaking up with it
Travkina specifies that you should not rush yourself to cope with the breakup – give your brain and body time, gradually it will become easier. And do not assume that if love is over, the relationship was a mistake and feelings are not real. Of course, in the movies we see perfect stories, love to the grave and boundless happiness, but our lives are different from the scenarios. Love, even tragic love, helps us learn about ourselves and others, and its end does not diminish the value of our personality, feelings, and experiences.
How does a breakup happen?
The breakup with a loved one occurs in several stages, and we go through them in the same way as the stages of grieving-from refusing to believe in what has happened to accepting the situation.
Shock, in this stage the person cannot accept what has happened. It can last from several days to several months. If you want to try to cope on your own, then allow yourself some time to live through this state, but then try to pull yourself together and go back to work or find something to do – a switch will help you cope more easily with what has happened.
2. Anger – In this stage the person begins to feel anger and aggression toward the former partner, and these emotions need to be given an outlet: destroy the photos they took together, throw away some things, or write a letter to the partner, and then burn or tear it up. But you should not turn these emotions, for example, to your ex’s new girlfriend or to destroying his car.
3. bargaining – by this point, the person wants things back, expects that either he or the ex-partner will change and the relationship will resume. Of course, people can get back together after a breakup, but in this state, you have to learn to understand that your feelings may be at odds with the real state of affairs, and there is really no chance of restoring the relationship.
4. Depression is the hardest part of the breakup, because all hopes have crumbled, everything that helped you cope has been done, and there is no point in moving on with your life. At this stage, it is important to understand that what is happening is legitimate. You have to stay in this state – this will help in acceptance. Try not to stay in it for a long time, and if necessary talk to a psychologist or psychotherapist.
5. Acceptance – a stage in which you realize that with the separation your life does not end, the world is beautiful, and the longing and pain have finally let you go. You can begin to make plans for the future.
There are rules that can help you cope with a breakup.
1. Analyze the quality – if you felt bad in this relationship or violence was done to you (no matter what it was: financial, psychological or physical), but you want them back, it may be a psychological dependence on your partner, which is recommended to work through with a specialist.
2. Allow yourself to suffer properly – don’t try to pretend that nothing happened, cry if you feel like it, and don’t listen to those who are trying to devalue your emotions.
3 Find something to do: try hobbies and activities you didn’t do in the relationship with your ex – you’ll at least get distracted, and maybe find something you like to do.
4. Find the good things around you – friends, hobbies, even your favorite brownie or cup of coffee – make a list of everything that makes you happy.
5. Make a change of scenery. If you can’t go anywhere, buy something new for the home interior or rearrange.
6. Talk to your friends, ask for their support (but don’t forget that they too are living people with feelings and emotions and may get tired of your stories).
7. “At some point you will realize that you are not going to get any worse, and that this state of affairs is not forever. You need to focus on that and realize that it is possible to get out on top.
8. Lean on yourself – you need to feel that you have only you, and other people can both come and go from your life, no matter how sad and hard that thought may be. Remember to take care of yourself and make yourself happy. This will help you find the strength to get through the breakup.
9. Try not to blame yourself or your partner. There were two of you in the relationship and the responsibility lies on both of you, albeit to a different extent. You can be angry at the situation, as well as at your ex-partner, but try to ward off feelings of guilt.
10. Restructure your plans for yourself or come up with new ones – think about what you want to accomplish and what you can do at this point.
11. Try to analyze the experience and understand how the relationship has affected you, what suited you and what didn’t. This will help you understand yourself and avoid repeating mistakes.
12. you can try to forgive your partner or tell him/her “thank you”, or ask for forgiveness yourself, but this method is only useful for a healthy relationship – if your partner was abusive to you, it’s not worth seeking contact with him/her after the breakup;
13. Don’t try to start a new relationship right away in order to forget the previous one – most likely they won’t last. For relationships with new people, you need to establish a relationship with yourself.
14. Go on “dates with yourself” – visit a beautiful place, have dinner in a cafe, go to an event.
15. Stabilize your emotions and state – try to stick to a proper diet, daily routine, do sports, develop your psychological literacy.
16. If you can’t get rid of thoughts about your partner, you can try to talk to him honestly. Hearing no, you just have to accept his choice and live your life – he is an independent man.
17. Accept the fact of the breakup, don’t hope to restore the relationship with someone who doesn’t love you anymore – you have to work through and let the situation go, otherwise there is a risk that it will carry over to a new relationship.
If you realize that you can not cope alone, it is worth referring to a specialist – you may need the help and advice of a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Is there a difference between the perception of separation between men and women?
Experts believe that a woman after breaking up with a beloved man feels all the stages of separation more strongly, but it is easier to enter the stage of returning to life. However, a woman can experience situations where she has a false hope of resuming the relationship.
Men, in turn, cannot allow themselves to show emotions, although it would help them to survive the depression stage – they try to experience the breakup as inconspicuously as possible. At the same time, at the stage of anger and denial, men may start drinking alcohol or having casual sex, but the realization that it does not help will come only at the stage of acceptance. In addition, the breakup will also hit the man’s self-esteem, and some of the resentment and distrust will carry over into subsequent relationships with women. They need more time to live with the breakup and get rid of the consequences.
Why is it so hard for us to break up?
Often we want to keep or get back into a relationship, even if it was complicated and painful. This happens because we have a fear of loneliness, we are afraid that we will not meet a new partner and we will no longer be loved – yes, the relationship was not good, but at least everything was clear there, and now it is over, what to do next?
It also happens that one partner depends on the other financially, and it seems that he can’t survive alone. This often grows out of parental attitudes and devaluation in childhood and affects mostly women-they end up sticking with a couple where they feel very bad. In fact, research shows that women don’t necessarily need a partner to lead a full and interesting life – on the contrary, “singles” spend more time on themselves and their hobbies, and value time alone much more than men do. And lately, women have been less and less eager to move in with their partners because they don’t want the burden of providing for the couple’s life to fall entirely on their shoulders.
Can the decision to break up be wrong?
Of course it can – all relationships have crises that arise due to circumstances beyond our control, and we can’t find new ways to solve them, and the old ones have stopped working.
Dialogue is necessary here – if you see that your former partner is willing to discuss problems, look for ways to solve them, and open to the fact that you will listen, learn and consider each other’s opinions, then there is a chance to restore the relationship. If you are attracted to each other, but the problems are not solved, and only multiply, and you do not know how to change it, it is worth to sort out your feelings. If you can not do it yourself, again, it is worth seeing a specialist.
The main thing: love yourself! Relationships with yourself are the most important and the most important in our lives.