How do you live without love with your husband?

Are there those who live with their husband without love?

Before everything was normal. Over the past few years, my feelings have completely cooled down. I do not like his touch, I never go up to hug him, kiss him. In sex I think only about his pleasure, closing my eyes. And then, I do it only because he pestered his advances. Two children. One child. My son is attracted to him. Daughter not so much. Both children are in their “beautiful” teens. Financially I do not depend on him much, we live at my place. Why not divorce? As my girlfriend said, I do not want to lose my “status as a married woman. I’m almost 41. Clearly, the chances of finding another man every year are fading. It’s kind of scary to become a divorcee. Are there those who live with their husbands without feelings? For the sake of children, out of habit, etc.

And why live without feeling? Do you like to feel your own sacrifice? Feelings are a gain. This passion in adolescence flares up on its own, and for a long time, feelings need to be maintained, protected and nurtured. You can start from scratch (although it would be better to just not let them die, but that’s a thing of the past).

Love is not when you come up to kiss him. love is a much more serious and deep state. and most of all you yourself are sorry that you can not even understand it. and your spouse too sorry of course. live in shit, you are already 41. it is time to crawl back to the cemetery.

It’s all coming down to that. We’ve been living practically a “guest” marriage for a year now. I’m in town with the kids, he’s at the cottage. And vice versa. Now I spend all summer with the kids in the country. He comes on weekends. And during this time we have time to fight. When he’s not home-wings grow. I do not know how much longer I will do this “masochism. It’s scary to make that final decision. Won’t I regret it later?

Well, no one lives their whole life in passion. If you have no problem with each other, if you do not disgust each other, why not?

And how does he feel about you? IMHO, in such a relationship a mistress from her husband – just a matter of time, he will leave sooner or later.

I think he only has a passion for me. Probably all the memories of when I was a fiery and passionate mistress are still alive in my head. In my opinion, now I have become just a “log”. If you need me to get intimacy, will walk “tail”, not irritated, etc.. as soon as you get it – again frowning eyebrows, irritation at all and everything, etc. and so on to the next time. I see this, of course, and I’m hurt that he only sees me as a “sexual object” …

I would really like to live with him in a real guest marriage. He perceives it as me “throwing him out”. We have an opportunity-3-bedroom apartment, comfortable dacha with amenities 20 km from home. Neighbors on the dacha (the truth is, they’re under 60 already) for a long time so live grandfather at the cottage, grandma comes here on the weekend. Everyone is happy with everything.

I have never lived like this for a single day. like a fool, I am always running to get married because of mad love and leave as soon as she leaves. but apparently there is no cure. but it is one thing to live without special passions, quietly and calmly, but harmoniously, and another to live when my husband’s touch is unpleasant and I am not drawn to tactile contacts. it seems to me, it will not lead to anything good. I would probably even get sick from such violence against myself.

That’s how I live. And I have nowhere to go. My husband is our financial cushion. And he treats me and the child very well. He is 100% reliable. Physically, my husband is even unpleasant to me sometimes, but we have sex regularly. And what to do, men need it. Make up your own mind. Look realistically what the pros and cons will be if you stay alone, if the pros outweigh the reason to think about separation. All the ladies on Eve are proud and do not recognize violence against themselves. But I don’t know many of them in real life. And it did not make them happy. Some have not found their soul mate and childless and left, who spinning, not seeing a personal life, and provide both home front and at the front. I know only one woman who got divorced and stayed happy. Because she did not need children.

We live our lives out of habit. My well-being in this relationship depends on various other factors: when everything is good – and the husband is quite satisfied, when something is bad (like now, for example, when I have health problems) – my husband starts to piss me off, I want to get out somewhere far away. But I would not benefit from it, because he is my financial support.

Marriage without reciprocity: what to do if you do not feel love?

I love my children, I have two: a daughter and a son. We read with them, do chores around the house, go for walks in our spare time. But with my husband we do not have a close understanding, he is a busy man. Sometimes I think, maybe there is something wrong in our family? I often hear that living out of a sense of duty and because of the children in the marriage is not possible. Orthodox books also say that love and personal relationships between spouses are the main thing. I used to try to talk about this, but my husband showed no interest. Relationships are formal, as if frozen, each with their own separate world. It turns out we will never be a good family?

Sincerely, Olga.

What to do when there is a lack of reciprocity in a marriage?

Don’t get discouraged, but make good use of what you have. Mutuality is a gift, not a rule. Emotional warmth, attraction become a prerequisite of marital relations, and yet people are different, different feelings and different ways of expressing them. It turns out a kind of dictatorship of a single rule. You don’t want to, but you want awe-inspiring love!

Because of this, families sometimes lose their equilibrium and break up because they do not respond to the image of ardent romance. Love maximalism is stuck in their heads. If there is no love (read: excitement from the relationship), the marriage is devalued. A new encounter can help, and the person easily destroys what they began to build. Although many couples could learn to interact, to solve arising issues, albeit on a quieter and more modest level.

Love is not just feelings, champagne splashes and flowers. If a spouse stays faithful and leaves flirting with the opposite sex, he loves; if he is patient with the shortcomings and omissions of his half, he loves; if he is responsible in matters of finances, he loves; if he cares about children, the more his love is manifested here.

Not much? But for a family, quite vital grounds.

Such a different kind of love

Marco Nedermeijer

It is not so spectacular compared to the beautiful gestures, gifts and courtship. Pages of social networks are filled with photos of joint trips, celebrations. Smiling faces, hugs, ocean of feelings … And yet, it’s silly to think that love is something that makes it only “for you”, the same “for the children” has nothing to do with love. It is in vain to contrast everyday life with the sublime side of marriage.

You, Olga, mention your husband as a busybody. Then you know how many people in history have devoted themselves to a public vocation. A common picture in the families of scientists, doctors, sailors, executives, and military men: the father is at work late at night or is away on a long business trip. During this time, the wife takes care of the children and household chores. Also in priestly families, fathers and husbands often give up family life in order to devote themselves more fully to their pastoral mission. Are all these families necessarily unhappy? No. They have understanding and dignity. Although this is not the image of love that is replicated today. Marriage-relationship to each other gives way to joint service to a great important cause.

It happens that a man loves his home and his children, and this explains his desire to start a family in the first place. Should that be considered a wrong motive? Should a husband and wife necessarily feel like the heroes of a melodrama? It is not uncommon to encounter the view that someone who does not experience the constant thrill of his half, necessarily married “for status” or “for convenience. Sometimes, under the influence of common fashion, spouses are afraid to confess their lack of mad love. They purposely throw out oddities or forcefully portray romance.

But there is nothing more natural than when you are attracted and warmed by the home atmosphere, the ensemble of characters, child and adult, the opportunity to serve and be involved in a large and shared whole. Reciprocity is given or not given one for two. Even the strongest and most persistent desire is not always enough to bridge the difference between life approaches. If you enjoy spending time with your children and the hassle of the home, then here is your romance and your happiness and creativity, Olga.

Personality and personal

San Francisco Bicycle Coalition.

The pathos of a relationship between two personalities forms the basis of the modern conception of marriage. It seems that as soon as the words “personality” and “personal” are uttered, things take on a special significance. You, Olga, speak of your desire for a personal relationship with your husband. But the truth is, everything in a person is personal and there is simply no such thing as non-personal. Personal relationships can be good or bad, and their personal nature alone says nothing about quality. And even such an important thing as reciprocity in marriage is not always positive. Thus, we are not likely to be happy with the unity and mutual understanding that arise in a couple of drinking spouses.

Real, deep personal relationships are not as easy and accessible as one might think. It’s good when two people join together to live according to their conscience, not their whims. Unfortunately, it is quite common for marital unions to mask and encourage each other’s faults.

Those critics are partly right to point out the dark side of marriage: narrowness, conformism, philistine self-interest, distortion of the truth to please “their own. The hand washes the hand! Bitter truth: marriage doesn’t always make a person a better person. Haven’t we ever seen a wife make excuses for her husband for doing something untoward? For example, for not keeping a promise or for withholding a sum of money from others. Out of a false sense of family benefit and solidarity, she convinces him to focus on his own needs, on the scarcity of funds, and tells him to blame his fellows for everything that has happened. Isn’t it a widespread phenomenon, when the husband stands up for his half: he threatens, utters hurtful words to imaginary offenders – when in justice should severely reprimand her for the incongruous behavior, which caused the conflict?

The question of the relationship of personalities requires clarification: what they are engaged in and what role one plays for the other. The selfishness of two is no better than the selfishness of a single person.

Family life brings with it great opportunities as well as temptations. The family can be a school for self-improvement, but for people without proper self-discipline, unconfident in their intentions, it is often a breeding ground for relaxation and self-justification.

Open up the Old Testament to King David’s psalms and you will find in Psalms 145 and 115 the lines: “Do not trust in princes, in the sons of men, and in every man a liar. They apply to everyone without exception. Untruth and limitation haunt relationships, including marriage. Getting to know the other person intimately leads to sad reflection. Much hinders reciprocity. There is a strong difference in the rhythms of men and women, in the peaks and troughs of activity. “Synchrony” of assessments and experiences of spouses now and then fails. In other moments of weakness, it is even more useful to distract oneself and turn one’s eyes to third subjects beyond “you” and “me”. Taking care of the home and children in such a case is a great chance, one might say, salvation for the marital relationship.

In other, longer periods of emotional drought, such as you and your husband may well be experiencing, there is hope for some overall change of circumstances in the future.

In a sense, the very notion of complete harmony in the family can be harmful. A person comes into a state of dissatisfaction, restless demanding. However, hopes for a marriage without flaws, the resolution of all relationship problems without exception are naive, unrealistic!

It must be remembered that many of the recurring conflicts and misunderstandings in families are predetermined, a kind of inherent flaw in a particular couple. This is similar to the way in which each of us exhibits certain characteristics and defects, strengths and weaknesses from the moment we are born to the end of our days.

The truly personal in us is revealed as we are freed from sin. The Christian experience teaches this. While the soul is caught up in its passions, sharp corners and burrs wound when they come into close contact. A reasonable balance between prudence and openness, the well-known saintly “love and run” turns out to be more urgent and effective in comparison with reckless maximalism.

On my word of honor and on one wing

Rolands Lakis

But what, if not maximalism, corresponds to the Christian view of marriage, you say. Aren’t the best epithets attached to the union of two people in church sermons?

The image of Christian marriage is high; according to the Apostle Paul, it resembles the union of Christ and the Church. Confusion and confusion sometimes grow out of this. The high degree of unity promoted by the benchmark of Christian marriage does not work for couples. Different family traditions of husband and wife, affects the dissimilarity of tastes and temperament of each. A young mother begins to read about love between spouses as a prerequisite for the proper development of the child, and she wants to cry. After all, her husband does not show much interest in her and the child, and therefore, to bring up a good and mentally healthy son or daughter, she will not succeed. The more she reads about the ideal of the Christian family, the more her heart starts to scramble. The church’s teaching about the ideal family seems to have been written for someone else, not for her – as if someone who is sick and poor were being persuaded of the benefits and advantages of a healthy and prosperous life.

But let us be encouraged: the family is made Christian not by its conformity to the ideal alone, but also by its embodiment of the qualities of patience, diligence and service that are of spiritual and evangelical origin. Whatever the case and whatever happens, caring for the family continues to have moral value. When there is a lack of understanding, spouses can still be held within the circle of Christian concepts. At least one spouse should feel a sense of family responsibility and be focused on a common outcome for all. Like an airplane crew, the marriage then continues to fly “honestly and on one wing. Even when the other half is unchurched or remains unbelieving, it is not an obstacle.

That is why the apostle Paul says: The unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife. The free moral choice is to continue to maintain the high image and meaning of things, even in the face of disadvantage or lack of the required unity.

The family continues to live and has the inner potential for self-tuning and restoration even in the presence of a “weak link. Gradually, with God’s help, the “weak link” is strengthened. Sometimes, however, it happens that the weakness of one spouse bears on their shoulders until the end. This circumstance also cannot be considered a misfortune and a failure. Moral labor in marriage meets with special mercy and favor in the eyes of God.

For children’s perception is fruitful in its own way the experience of parental overcoming, fighting for his half, defending the integrity of the family, with prayer, patience and charity, as St. Amvrosy of Optina said. Positive results in education come not only where relationships are harmonious. It is possible that from families who have overcome difficulties, more prepared and stronger characters will come out.

Yes, at first we have great difficulty in accepting the idea of such a marriage, where there is a lack of reciprocity. Everyone heartily hopes for a warm, trusting environment in the home as a safe haven. Subsequently, many are confronted with “limitation of possibilities” – something that resembles the situation of a person restrained by illness.

And you may begin to resent the fact that your life no longer resembles the life of those around you. You may be tormented and panic-stricken. The wise thing to do is to learn to live with your illness. To be able to rejoice in little things, to set goals for yourself, and to solve them.

Likewise, families who lack understanding need to set realistic goals and move toward them in small increments, as best they can. Certainly believing in the importance of the work undertaken and in the fact that any small success in preserving and developing good family beginnings is of no small value before God.

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