How to let go of the man you love: 4 steps
Let go of the man or woman you love to another person or just a life without you? Release your partner from commitment, to say goodbye to him – not so much physically as internally, mentally? This decision requires courage, determination and strength of mind. Share techniques that will tell you how to let go of love and keep yourself.
The man with whom you have been together for a year, suddenly announced that he was leaving, because he could not love you. Girlfriend with whom you thought you were the same in everything, with whom you dreamed of building a family, admitted that she was marrying someone else. Feel rejected, the pain of breaking ties … The more meaningful was the relationship, the harder it is given to their end. How to let go of the loved one? This task seems unthinkable.
When our hearts are full of love, we are trusting and open. We like to be around, invested in the relationship and do things together. We are interested in what the person we love does, we want to surprise and delight him or her. We are always ready to provide support, warmth, food and protection. And now it turns out that our participation is not required. Our gifts and our presence are not pleasing.
The realization that a loved one no longer needs us can be so unbearable that the psyche becomes defensive
The psychology of grief expresses itself, as we know, in several stages: shock and denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression… So, someone lives with expectations that a former partner will come to his senses and return. Looking for reasons to meet and call, clinging to every message, giving special meaning to what was said: “He said goodbye to me so warmly, it’s no coincidence!”
The other goes out on the warpath: stirring up conflict on social media, suing endlessly over alimony payments or the division of children or property. This, too, is sometimes an attempt to hold on to a person, albeit a rather peculiar one. A third seeks oblivion in doping of all kinds, from shopping and binge work to psychoactive substances.
So how do you let go of your husband if he has fallen out of love? This process is likely not going to be easy, because we are essentially talking about experiencing loss. We are not just breaking up with a particular person. With the departure of the partner, our picture of ourselves (in which we are loved and important to the other), the picture of the world (we are together, one and the same, and we feel good), the horizon of the future (we will have a home, family, grandchildren…) collapses.
Moreover, when we lose our relationship, we also lose our past, which included the happiness of first dates, recognition, and photographs. What’s more, an entire life, which is now questioned because it doesn’t seem real.
How do you let go of the person you love after a breakup?
1. Give your ex-partner a choice
“How do you let go of the girl you love?” It’s much easier to do if you think about the fact that relationships without mutual love are built on lies. There is no question of trust, honesty, intimacy. The person you love is not a thing that can be forcibly kept in the space of your life. Are you sure you want a relationship where there is no life, no future?
Your partner is not you, he is different. Maybe by making this decision he makes a mistake and later regrets what happened. But it’s his choice, and it’s worth respecting it. Not agreeing to let the boy or girl that you love go means denying the other person his or her right to autonomy, his or her right to be a separate person.
2. Stop being defensive.
Many people want to avoid crying and worrying because it’s hard, painful. It seems that it will be easier if the mountain “shove” in a remote box and take care of business. But this way we only “preserve” their feelings, do not allow them “flow” and be replaced by others.
It is important to express their grief, resentment, anger. When we grieve, we experience the loss of that precious, good thing that was in our lives. Give yourself sympathy and comfort like a good mother gives her child. Feel that you are not alone, because at least one person is always there for you – you. And you can take care of yourself.
3. Create a memory
Having fallen in love with your partner, you obviously saw something attractive, valuable, admirable in him. What is it? Write about what attracted you, what was good and right in your relationship. Let it be a diary of memories, or several letters “in the desk.
Such an exercise has two bonuses. First, this way you transform the tearing present into a story, into a past experience that will gradually be perceived less and less painfully, and eventually remain in the memory as something bright. And this is probably the sanest way to remove intrusive memories from your thoughts. Secondly, these letters will tell you… about yourself. About what is important and dear to you. And this is something that can not be lost, that will forever remain with you.
4. Redirect Love
How do you let go of the person you love? Perhaps try to replace him or her? It’s not really possible, but another thing is important: love itself, in the words of the Apostle Paul, “never ceases.” It can always be directed to the one or the other that is waiting and needs you – friends, parents, children, a new partner, or yourself. Start building your life today and your plans for the future-not in spite of, but because of this experience.
In time, a sense of ease and freedom may come to you. Because you have your life and your past, which no one can take away from you. And then, one day accidentally finding out that your ex-partner is happy in another relationship, you suddenly feel: I’m glad he’s doing well.
How to Let Go of a Loved One
Usually we think about how to let go of a loved one not when everything is fine, but when we do not get a response from him or her and realize that further development of the desired relationship is impossible. This can also happen involuntarily if any attempts at contact lead to humiliation or re-traumatization. The main problem is that the inner child part is still clinging to the good, and it is necessary to activate the inner adult who is able to make a volitional decision to transform his life. It is after the final decision to let go of the loved one that there is a resource to take control not only of the manifestations of social life, but of the holistic state of the psycho-emotional factors.
Admitting impotence to return everything to the way it was is the starting point, and while the mind walks in a rut of desired resumption, it is like wanting to make a snowman in the summer – there is zero possibility, a huge amount of frustration. Broken relationship again shifts the responsibility for their persona and its further development, independence also lies entirely in the adult conscious part and then the main problem becomes not a formal disappearance from the physical space, but how to remove the person from the soul and make the experience not traumatic.
Instructions on how to let go of a loved one from your soul, from your heart
Due to the emergence of emotional dependence, understanding how to let go of a loved one from the soul does not even lend itself to logic due to the fact that the entire life space is built on this very interaction. If the person notices the impossibility of releasing the addiction, feels the lack of his own control over his behavior (he can’t keep from calling and texting when he’s been banned from calling, tries to threaten to renew his love, etc.) and also faces the denial of the detrimental influence of this desire on the rest of his life, then the help of a specialist is needed. A psychotherapist will help to find the cause of the addiction, to finish growing up, and to form new adaptive and constructive patterns of behavior. This is a long rehabilitation, with possible periodic breakdowns, which has similar stages to any addiction, including chemical.
When the situation is not so deplorable, but only constant sadness and regrets are constantly dragging in the past, the person himself can decide to stop acting in this way and then there is an instruction on how to let go of the person you love.
Initially, it is necessary to review the entire environment and get rid of the triggers of memories – these are emotional anchors that return to the past. You can burn photos of your loved one or, if you can’t do that yet, put them in a box and hide them away. Clothes of the deceased should be returned to him, given to the homeless, or simply thrown out – no one needs them, but to put your nose into a shirt to feel the once native smell – a favorite pastime for tearing apart the wounds of the soul. Gifts, whether toys or jewelry, perfume or certificates, can be taken to institutions, melted down for something new to give away. Put up for sale anything that reminds you of something that didn’t work out – not only does this sweep the reminders out of your visual space and out of your room, but it also helps you save a good amount of money to organize something new. Look at the apartment on the percentage of its compliance with your personality, needs, a new round of life – the poster, chosen by his tastes can be replaced by your favorite tapestry, two chairs near the table to replace the one and put pots of flowers. Any redevelopment is not only that distracts from negative thoughts, but also make the space new, personally yours.
How to let go of the loved one from your heart? Realize that the person is gone, and slowly change habits – restrain yourself from looking out the window, waiting for the call, stop cooking for two and his favorite food. Each time analyze how you want to spend this evening, because a large chunk of free time will be a gaping void for swarming memories. If you do not put something else in the new place, the memory will habitually fill it with the past person, if not his real presence, so the phantom of his images.
While the pain is still strong and tearing you can use this free time to work through your emotions, because it’s important to let it all out. Get together with girlfriends to share your feelings, cry alone, watch melodramas, keep a diary. With each time reduce the duration of grieving, to the point of setting aside a certain amount of time when you will fall into grief. Direct the rest of the time to becoming aware of your own contribution to your suffering, because half of the emotional pain we ourselves develop by walking to meaningful places, listening to nostalgic music.
Where you catch yourself wanting to suffer, to be the victim, blaming him and crying on everyone’s shoulder, look for other ways to get attention and support. Instead of calling your girlfriend to drink another bottle to your whining, take her shopping for a new look or better yet go together to a new place, ask for support in an activity you haven’t tried before.
You can let your loved one go if you put your time and energy into your own development by remembering what you wanted to do. Maybe you could not lay out a picture with diamonds, because you were stuck in the kitchen – now you can order dinner and immerse yourself in meditation, or wanted to go dancing, but the partner was against it – it’s time not to suffer, and use the freedom.
The worst thing is that psychologically and energetically we don’t let our partner go, then we keep ourselves locked up, not so much him, but ourselves (he is already implementing a new program of happy life, while we are boiling in memories). Lack of companionship is easily made up for by participating in a charity or going to a new course, warmth and care can be switched to a pet. Think about forgotten friends, who have stopped calling you and calling somewhere, because you were in a relationship – come to visit, go with them to new places or go on hikes. Don’t shut yourself off without communication, this way you can think of an ideal image of the one who left you, but if you expand your circle of contacts, you may find the world full of more beautiful people and you will sigh with relief that the toxic interaction is over.
Control any beginning downward spiral – if you haven’t been smoking or drinking and suddenly start doing it, you’re on a destructive path. This also includes idleness, not caring about your appearance, not caring about your social pages. This occurs when old rituals collapse and new ones have not yet been formed. For example, if you went grocery shopping every Friday, now you can learn the language at this time, instead of sharing breakfast, arrange yourself a session of yoga or reading a book. Transform your own focus – buy not only the usual things, but also small joys for yourself (along with a person goes and stack of expenses on gifts to him – now it’s all for yourself). It can be strange to start making new posts in social networks without a joint photo, but at the same time from this you can develop a new hobby – to tell about the places you have been, or start your own educational youtube-channel at least about the resuscitation of orchids. Create your own habits and rituals, then let your loved one go will be easier, because your own life will gain meaning and colors.
Psychologist’s tips for letting go of a loved one
There are several psychological tips and techniques for letting go of a loved one from your heart. If simple ways and distractions didn’t help, you’ll have to deal with your feelings a little deeper. There is nothing wrong with you, maybe just not enough support or some attitudes do not allow you to cry the situation – everything is so individual that it is a psychotherapeutic approach can give results much faster than swimming alone or living on the advice of friends.
Initially it will be difficult to let go of your loved one because of the biochemical reactions of your own body – special substances produce feelings of affection, care. Understand that this is only biology, and not the highest connection and the other half of fate, because you have already parted, and for a significant reason, so there is not much in common, if not managed to settle.
Psychologists recommend figuring out what exactly attracted you to that person – it may be appearance and then we are talking about passion and animal instinct. The likelihood of finding something like this is quite high and emotions will flare up even earlier. If these are some of his achievements or qualities, then look more closely at the negative side – a lot of time paid to the family, while hammering on work, which eventually led to hunger, loans. Loyal friends didn’t have the time or resource to deal with domestic issues. No one is perfect and it’s important to get back a realistic picture of the world – if you can’t do it yourself, girlfriends and professionals are there to help (a lot is more visible from the outside).
If you hit on the fact that you love someone, but he is leaving, you should, according to your own value system, wish the person happiness, maintain his peace and not impose until he asks for it. It is also important to notice your own boundaries, i.e. not to turn into a life vest in case of need or into a friend, with whom you can still sleep and then leave by old memory. Everything should be equal, and it’s better to leave the person altogether when nothing makes up for your resource. The more you can accept and respect your partner’s choices, the higher your own level of awareness. Yes, you don’t like being left behind, just like the color of your hair is green, but you have no right to forbid others to do it, only not to dye it yourself. You can’t force love, but you can keep your feelings to yourself, sending a bit of warmth with every memory.
Severe fixation on the other, the difficulty of letting go of the loved one is also characteristic of those who do not have separate hobbies, their own friends, and in some situations and their own opinions. Expand your horizons, try out what you might like new things, discuss alternative points of view. This is how you expand your options and take away the misery of it as a source of information.
If it’s hard to forget someone who is not just gone, but dead, it’s important to work through both the grief of loss and the many resistances. The rituals of every nation include mourning for the person, when all the dark emotions live in the person, gradually changing into light sadness, warm memory and gratitude.
It is important to do something good in the name of the deceased, not to drive yourself into mourning. Instead of wearing black clothes and living in a cemetery, it is better to go out into society and make every effort to realize his dreams, to take charge of his projects, or at least to plant an alley with a plaque remembering him. These are all actions that help channel the energy into creation, a smooth letting go, but not erasing the memory, which is important. One woman willed to scatter her ashes on another continent in order to pull her remaining relatives out of the way and prevent depression from developing in the face of loss – there are few such wise men, but the example can be used.
Don’t try to bury your feelings away, to keep outwardly positive, either after a loss or after a loss. The longer this spectacle continues, the harder it will be later to let go and return to a normal life. On the contrary, try to be aware of all feelings, understand when they arise and live through them as much as possible. You can’t do it ecologically, tears and breakdowns interfere with your work – take a vacation, quit your job, move, go to freelance work. Any situation can be solved, but your emotional state has to take priority.
Author : Practical psychologist Vedmesh NA.
Speaker of the Medical-Psychological Center PsychoMed