A simple way to let go of the person from your thoughts. Tips from a psychologist
Our feelings are not always mutual. Or love can bring more suffering than joy. If you are in a cage of your own experiences, the best solution is to figure out how to let the person go from your thoughts. This will bring you welcome relief and wonderful possibilities for a new life. The psychologist’s advice, which will be discussed step-by-step in this article, will help the best way to do this.
What does it mean to “let go”?
Many people confuse the concept of “let go” and “forget” or “fall out of love” definitively. The easiest way to understand this is to think about the literal meaning of “let go.” For example, a little girl was bought a balloon. She was very excited about it and played with it for a long time. But soon she wanted to play and other toys. So she took it and let go of string. The balloon flew into the sky and became free. In the same way, a person who is stuck in a burdensome relationship needs to switch to something else. But this does not mean that at this point he will not remember about the person he loves and completely forget about him.
- To let go means to stop interfering in your personal life, trying to control and be aware of everything.
- Begin to live your own life without looking back at the person you are thinking about.
- Enjoying your freedom.
- Be ready for a new love
- Learn from the past
- Forgive yourself and your loved one
- Find harmony and joy in each new day
Why do I need it at all?
There is a category of people who do not understand why give up on the man. They firmly believe that with the right persistence and ingenuity can achieve reciprocity. To put it bluntly, to force yourself to love. But that’s a big mistake.
Say, here is a man who loves pineapples. But pears are indifferent or can not stand them. And no matter how much you pretend to be a pineapple, you will not stop being a pear. That’s just the way things are. But there are plenty of people who, on the contrary, prefer pears to other fruits. So maybe you should consider other options and find a better fit.
The disadvantages of trying to get a stronger hold on the “wrong” person:
- What actions do not take, but to influence the man that he reciprocates, you can not.
- Instead of the supposed happiness, you look only self-pity, resentment, dissatisfaction.
- You are only prolonging their suffering. In the end, in any case, you will not be together.
- Man from the constant abuse will start to show you disrespect, will be annoyed. You will have to humiliate all the time.
- As a result of such persecution you get nervous and susceptibility to depression.
- You’ll lose interest in your own life, your goals, aspirations. If you continue in the same spirit, then not far off dismissal from work, expulsion from school and other troubles. Does it make you feel better?
Psychologist’s advice: Relationships – it’s what gives us positive emotions, not destroy us. You, like every living creature, are worthy of love. You do not have to bend over backwards to please, to change your principles. Plenty of people will appreciate you without that.
Why can’t you let go of the thought of a man?
If you can’t forget someone, that person was very important to you. Your feelings for him or her are very strong, so your thoughts keep returning to him or her. Or the object has caused you a lot of resentment and disappointment. And now you have negative feelings about him or even a desire for revenge for all that he has caused you. In any case, you should give up unnecessary thoughts as soon as possible. So they do not lie dead weight in your soul. Case study:
Irina’s story: “For a very long time did not give peace of mind about her former beloved husband. Together we were 6 years, 3 years of marriage. The parting was very quick and unforeseen. Literally a month his attitude has changed a lot. All my attempts to please him were in vain.
After that he left without explaining anything. For 1.5 years I have been waiting for him to come back and say that he was wrong, to ask for forgiveness. But instead I found out that he married someone else and they were expecting a child. It was a real shock! I realized that I couldn’t do this on my own.
My feelings had still not cooled down, I didn’t even want to look at other men. I decided to see a psychologist. The result really pleased me. After a few sessions I became much calmer in my attitude towards the situation, I could accept it.
Gradually I understood that life goes on and thoughts of my ex-boyfriend left me. Only a psychologist helped me to start building a new relationship.
How to cross out of the thoughts of the person you love?
So, you have understood the inevitability and importance of this moment. Congratulations, this means you’re halfway there!
It will be very useful to be able to thank the person. Parting is not a loss, but an acquisition. The most important thing in life is experience. And you have to learn from this experience to find your mistakes and not to repeat them in the future. Even if you received only suffering and pain, do not despair. This is an opportunity to grow up, not to get too attached to people, learn to build harmonious relationships. To properly say goodbye to a person, it is important to do everything in stages. It is not recommended to skip any of the stages. Otherwise, what you missed all the same will pop up, and the moment will not be the most appropriate.
- Give vent to your emotions. There is no need to try to stifle negativity. You can cry, scream, get angry, sob. If you feel better after a big scoop of ice cream, use that method, too. Some people like to describe their experiences on paper.
- After you’ve come to your senses a little, move on to analyze the situation. Face the truth. Don’t try to sugarcoat the situation or the person who left. Write down in column 1 all the pluses of this relationship, in the second column – all the minuses. And then think again, were they really that good?
- Say thank you to your former lover for all the good that was. Sincerely wish him happiness.
- Now do not look for the blame and do self-digging. Everything will be easier to think about when you calm down to the end.
- Carry out the suspension. Throw out or put away all the gifts and photos that remind you of the past. Don’t get carried away with melodramas and music about unhappy love. Change your phone number, so you do not sit around waiting for a call. In short, erase the past.
- Change your appearance. It also helps psychologically to adjust to a new life. Change your hair, change your closet. Take a class at the gym. Even if you’re not overweight, it never hurts to tighten your figure. In addition, it’s good for boosting self-confidence.
- Think about what you could do to fill the emptiness inside of you. Something pleasant and interesting. A new activity, a pet, a book about relationships and personal growth. Don’t shut yourself away, socialize more. If you can afford it, it was good to go traveling.
- Learn to enjoy life again. Enjoy the pleasant little things. Fulfill their desires.
- Plan for your future life. A good stimulus for this is the wish card.
- Now you can cold analyze the past with your mind. Think about the mistakes and lessons learned.
After all the steps, you are sure to feel renewed. And your pain will go away. It takes different amounts of time for the whole process in different cases. From a month to a year. But the sooner you get on this path, the sooner you can free yourself from the burden. Important tip: Don’t wallow in self-pity. Don’t chase away thoughts of how miserable your fate is. How lonely you are. Better remember in the difficult moments of those who are even worse. About orphans, disabled children, lonely old people. Better yet, think about how you can help them alleviate their suffering. And then you will forget about your own pain.
A helpful meditation
When you have to break up with a loved one, it goes without saying that you’ll never be able to love again. You just don’t want to experience the same pain again. But there’s no need to cultivate this opinion in yourself. After all, without love, life is dull and boring. Better do a great meditation that helps you restore a healthy attitude toward love.
- When you’re alone and no one will disturb you, dim the lights and sit in a comfortable position.
- Concentrate and close your eyes. Ponder where your capacity for love might be located.
- When you find the right spot, fixate on it.
- Imagine light coming from that point in your body. Direct it mentally toward a beloved pet or loved one.
- If you have done it correctly, you will have the desire to do something good for the people around you. To those people you directed the glow at. If you do this exercise every day, you will find that the resentment inside will be replaced by genuine love for your surroundings.
Letting go of the heart and thoughts
No long time can not get over the person? This practice will help you break even a long-standing relationship and free yourself from negativity.
- Solitude in a quiet place, make yourself comfortable.
- Close your eyes, imagine a performance stage. On the stage is a person who has caused a lot of suffering.
- Now imagine yourself as being elevated above that person or floating in the air.
- Concentrate on your abuser. Picture it in great detail, down to the smallest detail.
- Feel all the feelings you have for him as keenly and vividly as possible.
- Then imagine what the connection between you looks like? A barely discernible thread or a thick rope? Or maybe a plastic tube? What do they connect? The area of your chest, throat, stomach, or neck?
- Visualize this state for a while.
- Ponder what personal character traits you and this person are lacking so that the connection becomes less painful. Maybe patience, strength of mind, self-confidence? Think through all the options.
- Now imagine as above the scene appears God or a guardian angel, who sufficiently possesses all the qualities.
- Ask him to give the missing. Start imagining how the filling of you with everything you need takes place. Feel it very clearly, how you are changed by it.
- Visualize yourself channeling the missing qualities to the person connected to you. Let him fill up to the end.
- Then look at him again. Has he changed after that? What was different: his emotions, his smile, his posture?
- If necessary, talk to him. Surely he has taught you a good lesson, taught you something new. Even through a painful experience. In any case, ask for forgiveness, even if he is more to blame before you.
- Then imagine breaking the connection. How would you like to do it? With scissors or cut with a sword? Remember how you look separately, free from each other.
How to let go of a deceased loved one
The death of a loved one is a real tragedy for those who have to face it. After such a blow of fate, it is not easy to get back on your feet and move on with your normal life. Especially when a loved one of young age or even a child dies.
Many people cannot accept the injustice of what has happened. There are people who are unable to come to terms with the situation even one year after death. Often they have an ongoing dialogue with the deceased as if they were still alive. Tips:
- No one denies your difficult situation. But do not forget about common sense. Try to convince yourself of the need to return to life. After all, it has already happened, and nothing can change. Especially not with tears and tantrums. If to stop killing yourself with grief now, it is possible to undermine your health and psyche. And it will not get better, right? Think about your loved ones who are still alive.
- Often strong emotions do not give peace when a person feels their guilt before the deceased. Perhaps you did not behave very well towards him, were rude or not attentive enough, did not help when he needed it. But nothing can be changed now. And your suffering won’t help the cause either. So concentrate better on living people. Try to behave in a better way in such situations. Surely many of your friends close to you also need help and support.
- Think of it this way: he cared about me. Therefore, he would not like to see me in anguish and sadness. Indeed, no one would want to be the cause of the suffering of a loved one.
- Try to give all the power to work. A good way to fix things and forget about burdensome thoughts. Since there will simply be no time left for them.
- Think that the deceased went to a better world. According to Christianity, the human soul is immortal, only the body dies. Pray for him. If this does not help, talk to a priest. Ask all your questions. Don’t keep silent. Sometimes you just need to speak out to find peace of mind. Case study:
Victoria’s story: “I never thought such grief could happen in my life. My beloved son died at age 7. For a long time I could not believe what happened. It seemed that all this was not happening to me.
But the reality was awful. I was no longer interested in life at all, even though I still had my other loved ones: my husband and oldest daughter. My husband made me an appointment to see a psychologist and literally forced me to go. To my surprise I felt a little better after the first interview.
That is why I continued my therapy. A psychologist helped me to look at what had happened from the other side, to remember that I was needed by other people I loved and to understand that it was possible to go on living, even after the death of my child.
To stop chasing thoughts in your head about the past and forgetting a person, you need strength of mind and a wise attitude toward the situation. If you are in a predicament, our specialists will help you at the consultation of a psychologist online. Do not close in on yourself and your grief.
The sooner you make the first step, the less days will spend in agony. An experienced psychologist is the best medicine for the soul and a harmonious life.
The 3 Stages of Accepting a Breakup: How to Let Go When You Still Love
You can never force anyone to stay. It’s just not the time yet. You just met in the wrong place and the wrong way. Or with the wrong people.
This is something none of us are ever ready for. It’s something no one can even imagine. That one day you will have to accept the idea that the person you love will no longer be a part of your life. There won’t be his smile, his voice, his jokes, or that familiar voice in the morning: “Hey, how are you?”
For whatever reason, your relationship is over, and all that’s left today is bitterness, frustration, and the strange confusion that comes from being on your own again.
Why this happens in life is anyone’s guess. Maybe you loved each other, but interfered with external circumstances. Or maybe you have outgrown each other for so many years. Or your partner has changed and you have not. Or vice versa. Or maybe life itself has changed.
But none of that really matters. You have a bigger task. You have to learn to live with it. And that’s to let go. Letting go while you still love…
Why is that so hard? The fact is that when we let go of someone we thought we’d be with forever, our world changes radically and forever. Our present, our future, everything we thought was predetermined becomes unclear and uncertain.
You will be in pain. Like everyone else who has to let go when you still love. The people you have to break up with will be with you everywhere in the first few weeks. They will be there, no matter what you do or where you go. Everything will remind you of them: the songs you listened to together, the movies you watched together, the places where you drank coffee, the breakfasts you cooked together just recently, the dress they liked so much, and all those little things that are near and understandable only to you.
These people will literally be everywhere. And it will hurt you. Brutal, but true.
What you should do at this point is accept how you feel. Yes, that’s right. Accept your pain. Allow yourself to grieve and be sad. To feel the bitterness of loss fully and completely. Don’t delude yourself, don’t pretend to be happy and serene. Curl up and cry, if that’s what you need right now. Let everything flow through you, like the waves of the ocean. If you want to be quiet and sit alone, don’t deny yourself that.
Unbearably lonely and scared – call! Call your best friends or your mother for the hundredth time. Do not run away from what you feel, and take it and let it pass through you. Emotions will come over you like waves. They will overwhelm you. They will swallow you up when someone says the name of the person you had to break up with out loud in front of you. It will come over your head when you accidentally hear a familiar song, read an old message on your phone, or stumble across a picture in an album together.
Yes, you will miss the people you had to part with. And there’s no getting away from that. It’s important to remember that life doesn’t end there. That you are not lost in this world. That it is okay to feel pain, misunderstanding, and longing. All of these feelings are necessary for change and growth.
It’s going to hurt. It will probably hurt a lot. It is unpleasant, uncomfortable, and, frankly, even infuriating. But it’s all temporary. All of this will pass. In time, it will get easier. You’ll get through it all, and you’ll get through it all. No matter how hopeless it seems right now.
You’ll get through it. Like millions of people before you and millions after you. It hurts, it hurts, it’s unpleasant, but it’s temporary. This is what you must remember at this stage of accepting the breakup.
No matter how much you convince yourself that you and your partner were a perfect couple and very suited to each other, that if it were not for circumstances or a ridiculous accident, you would have been together… it is not true. Don’t delude yourself with false illusions. After all, deep down, you can guess that if the relationship ended, it happened for a reason. And it was serious. Very serious. Otherwise, you’d be drinking coffee at your favorite coffee shops today, laughing merrily at the new comedy, and walking happily in the rain. And that’s all gone. And it will never be.
Get over it is very difficult, so you come up with the hundredth time, and the new “…but if only, then. Blaming someone or something. Blaming yourself for the fact that if you were prettier, slimmer, funnier, or more attractive, the breakup wouldn’t have happened.
Whatever story you make up in your head, the truth is really one: It didn’t work out with this man because he didn’t want it to. This is painful to admit and unpleasant, but necessary. The explanation for what happened is very simple. You broke up because this person wanted you to. That’s why.
And now the most important thing: the fact that someone is leaving you does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that you’re not pretty enough, slim enough, funny enough, attractive enough, or whatever else you’ve made yourself out to be. And it doesn’t mean that you weren’t worthy of love at all. It merely indicates that your relationship was bad, fake or accidental for some reason (and often completely unrelated to you).
There can be many reasons for the “why. Sometimes, for example, people met too soon – when one or both of them are not ready for a serious commitment. Sometimes someone just isn’t ready to change their life and future for a relationship. And that’s all normal. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s just that these people have plans and dreams and things they can’t (or don’t yet know how to) share with others. They have to go it alone. And it’s no one’s fault, much less yours.
You can be resentful of those who choose to break up. You can even swear and stomp your feet in indignation. But it is all in vain. You can’t resent or blame a person for still looking for themselves in the world. That he has not yet fully understood himself and what he truly wants. You can’t blame him for not being ready for a relationship or for realizing that you’re not his soul mate. Because that’s childish. In adulthood, things can be confusing and unclear. We’re all going down this road for the first time, we’re all learning and discovering ourselves all over again.
You may be loved, but feel like you can’t appreciate and respond in the same way. Even if you’re determined to love for two. Even if you’ve decided you can do it alone. No, you can’t. A relationship is a two-way street, and if one of the people involved can’t or isn’t ready, it won’t work. It’s possible that you’re not ready, but you don’t realize it. Anything can happen.
One thing is clear: you can never force anyone to stay. It’s just not the time yet. You just met in the wrong place, in the wrong way. Or with the wrong people.
Why are you drawn to someone who wants to leave? Why are you so stubbornly holding on to something that isn’t there and not letting it go? Why are you so eager to literally make someone love you? Why have you decided that life without these people will be so much worse or make no sense at all? Why are you willing to accept such half-hearted love and not realize that you deserve more? There is an explanation for all of this. But it takes time to understand it.
You have to understand yourself. Understand yourself. Examine it. Learn a much-needed life lesson. It won’t happen today or tomorrow. But one day, it will all unfold like the palm of your hand. Just give yourself time to learn this lesson.
So your relationship is over. You’ve persevered through the bitterness of loss, you’ve learned the necessary lesson, so what’s next? And then for some reason you start to regret that you even loved that person. That you tried to build a relationship with him, even though everything was clear from the start. That it wasn’t worth it.
Stop! The fact that the relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. It was. All the things you’ve been through together. You tried, and that means a lot. Things like that are never in vain and don’t go away. Love is worth the effort. Even if you still lose.
Believe me, it wasn’t for nothing. And in time, you’ll realize that. The memories that cause so much pain today will no longer be bitter, and you will look at everything with completely different eyes. You will look back and realize that the time we spent together was nothing less than a gift from fate. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be where you are now, and you wouldn’t be who you are today. So it was worth it.
In time, you will realize one very important thing: Everything that happened was meant to happen. Yes, it was over very soon, and it was painful, but it was!
You’ll learn to understand that sometimes even the most fabulous love stories end-whether they lasted three months, three years, or 30 years. You’ll understand that it’s through breakups that we discover the real us, discover what and who we want. And this is very important.
You see, we also need breakups for something. It’s just vital.
Perhaps this love story was necessary for you to discover something new about yourself. Something hidden and invisible that you didn’t even know you had. Something you were afraid to admit even to yourself.
Maybe the person you are no longer taught you how to stand up for yourself. Say out loud what he wants and needs, instead of waiting for his partner to “read his mind.” Maybe this breakup helped you to change, to become better, wiser, stronger.
Or maybe it taught you to love and accept yourself. Just the way you are, unique and unrepeatable. And all this so that one day you will meet someone who will appreciate you and love you with all his heart. Someone who today is looking for on Earth exactly what you will become soon. Someone who will become for you not just another life lesson, but true Love. Someone who is ready for it. Someone who will stay. Forever.