How do you learn to talk?

How to learn how to communicate with people: mastering the art of communication.

Many of us communicate with people is not easy. Why can some people speak in front of huge audiences, easily igniting them with their ideas, casually exchange effervescent jokes at parties and instantly make friends, but others find it hard to support even a normal everyday conversation? Is it possible to learn how to communicate with people or is it a gift available only to a chosen few? What prevents us to speak easily and freely, and why this skill is so important? Let’s try to figure this out.

What does it give to communicate with people?

Every day we need the skills to communicate with people. Some believe that effective communication – this is something from the arsenal of business psychology, and people who do not need to conduct business negotiations, learn to communicate to no avail. And this is a big mistake that can cost you dearly.

Pathological anxiety and irritability can cause a person a lot of problems.

Communicating with people is an important part of our lives. Thanks to the ability to clearly express his thoughts and listen, we can not only achieve career successes, but also to make friends, build relationships with family and friends. Psychologists know that most of the conflicts in a couple or even divorce is not caused by insurmountable differences, but a banal inability to agree. And how many people suffer from loneliness simply because he is embarrassed to talk to a nice stranger or stranger! In short, the ability to communicate is necessary for everyone. It is the key to success in all areas of life. Abraham Lincoln, John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Ronald Reagan, Winston Churchill and Jacques Chirac would hardly have reached the political Olympus if they had not been such brilliant orators. Steve Jobs is as famous for his speeches as he is for his computer innovations. The legendary beauties of bygone centuries are not at all striking in their parade portraits – but contemporaries in their memoirs praise them not so much for their beauty as for their ability to make conversation.

It should be noted that “talk” and “talk” are not the same thing. Communication is a complex process that consists of both verbal communication (what we say) and nonverbal communication (how we do it). And the second type of communication is much more important – it is not the meaning of our words that has the greatest impact on the interlocutor, but the sound and timbre of our voice, posture and gestures. And finally, and most importantly, it is our thoughts and feelings that are in our subconscious. These are fear of rejection, rejection, anger at our abusers, etc. It is these that influence the reactions of our interlocutors and determine our level of ability to communicate.

Why are we afraid to be heard?

What prevents us from speaking? Shyness, fear of saying something stupid or misunderstood, fear of voicing one’s opinion, low self-esteem and even problems with diction – all these problems are rooted in psychology. Often they have their roots in the distant past – in childhood or adolescence. As adults we forget those unpleasant experiences that planted the seed of insecurity in us, but they continue to influence our behavior. The irritated “Don’t talk nonsense!” from parents, the agonizing speeches at the blackboard in class, the taunts of peers-all of these turn into serious communication difficulties in adulthood.

To identify and eliminate the cause of difficulties in communication, work with a psychologist is necessary. But the first and most important step is admitting that there is a problem and wanting to solve it.

If you are afraid to talk to people, start with telephone conversations. For example, instead of going to the beauty salon website and finding out all about prices or services, call there and find out everything by asking questions to the receptionist. Make a list of questions, do not hesitate to ask for details and clarify.

The psychology of communication with people

The psychology of communicating with people is based on several rules, most clearly and clearly formed by the famous psychologist and author Dale Carnegie. He published his most famous books in the 1930s and 40s, but since then nothing has changed in human behavior and these rules are still relevant.

Driven by excessive anxiety, people tend to exaggerate events and give them non-existent emotional coloring.

Rule #1. Take an interest in others.

We all consider ourselves to be unique and we all want to be interesting to others. Remember your own experience of communication – we are always more willing to talk not with those who say clever things, but with those who let us know that we ourselves are interesting.

Rule #2. Smile.

It has been proven in psychological studies that smiling people seem more attractive to us in general. We tend to ascribe to them the best human qualities. A smile shows the person you are talking to that is a joy and a pleasure to talk to.

Rule #3. Remember that a person’s own name is the nicest word for anyone.

Calling a person by their name is the simplest and most natural compliment we can give them. A name for us expresses individuality. That’s why many people get so annoyed when someone misspells their name or uses a form they don’t like, such as “Mania” instead of “Maria. When you use a person’s name, it’s as if you’re saying, “You’re a wonderful person and you’re colorful.

Rule #4. Know how to listen.

Sadly, few people really know how to listen to the other party – most often, especially in the heat of argument, we just wait for his turn to speak, without delving into what they are trying to tell us. And yet the demonstration of attention is a powerful tool of influence. Listen, ask questions, and don’t hide your emotions when you hear something new or surprising. And if you memorize statements that you yourself thought were good, and you casually insert them into your next conversation, he or she will be won over.

Rule number 5. Talk about what interests your conversation partner.

Everyone has an “edge. If you find a topic that interests your conversation partner, you will win him over. This applies to business communication, and casual conversation with friends. Even if the topic does not seem particularly important to you, do not close – try to listen and find out something of value to themselves. It is not for nothing that the Chinese sages said that you can learn from the first person you meet.

Rule #6. Sincerely demonstrate to the interlocutor his importance.

The key word here is “sincerely. This is probably the most difficult part of the psychology of communication. People can sense falseness, and even those who love flattery in all its forms will smell something wrong if your delight is faked. Look for something in everyone that really seems worthy of your admiration, and honestly praise those character traits.

The Art of Effective Communication

Communicating with people is an art. To master it, you need to know many subtleties and have special skills, many of which seem to have nothing to do with communication. However, it is their presence that makes people brilliant speakers and interesting conversationalists. What will help us “pump up” our communication skills?


It was enough for Sherlock Holmes to take one look at a man to know about him all the details. Observation is necessary not only detectives. Noting the features of behavior, appearance, facial expressions of the interlocutor, we can draw conclusions about what kind of person and in what style with him best to communicate. Moreover, powers of observation are closely connected with memory, another important quality of a good conversationalist.


The more information we remember about a person, the more successful our communication with him or her will be. If you remember everything that the interlocutor has told you, you will be able to demonstrate your interest in him. He will be genuinely flattered.

Without timely therapy, anxiety disorders can cause a wide range of illnesses.


“Oh, I don’t know anything about that!”. After saying that, few people will want to continue their fascinating story about soccer, healthy eating or the latest international news. You don’t have to be a generalist to understand all sides of life. Interesting conversationalists don’t shut themselves away in their own world – they are interested in what’s going on around them and can keep the conversation going on any topic.


The ability to read the emotions of the interlocutor can be called a sensitivity, although in fact it is one of the consequences of observation. Psychologist Paul Eckman, who consulted investigators from the CIA and the FBI, reached in this skill unprecedented heights. He revealed how the slightest contractions of the facial muscles can give away our true feelings and thoughts. His books became so popular that on the basis of these purely scientific works there was made a popular series about an independent expert, who can unmistakably determine a lie. Everyone can master this art – for everyday life it is enough to learn to see basic emotions and know the basics of body language.

Constant training of communication skills

Researchers from Oxford found that on average every person regularly communicates with 20 people – these are friends and pals, family members, colleagues and neighbors. Scientists have not stopped there – they have scanned the brains of volunteers and found that those whose circle of communication is wider than average, show increased activity of neurons in the brain areas responsible for social functions, as well as better communication between different parts of the brain. This is not an innate quality, but the result of regular training in communication skills. The more people we talk to, the easier it is for us to find common ground with them. Look for opportunities to chat with strangers, with people from a variety of social groups, with those whose interests are markedly different from yours. Talking to strangers will make you a more flexible conversationalist.

Body language is the key to success

It’s important what you say, but even more important is how you do it. Imagine a speaker who hunches over, muttering under his breath – how many will listen to his words? Sometimes nonverbal signals are much more important than words. Evaluating the interlocutor, we not only listen to what he says, we subconsciously pay attention to his posture, the timbre of voice and speed of speech. The main nonverbal signs are universal, they are perceived the same way in the whole world. How do you hold yourself so that you are listened to?

The Look

“Hard look”, “Looks askew” or “Eyes are burning”, “Looks affectionately” – even in colloquial speech people who have no idea about psychology note the power of the gaze. With the help of special psychological training you can learn to look at the interlocutor correctly – openly, but not oppressing, not taking your eyes off and constantly letting the person know that you are interested in him. Psychologists distinguish different types of gaze for different situations – business, social and intimate gaze.


A person is able to subconsciously recognize and interpret the most imperceptible movements of the facial muscles. Mimicry is an important source of knowledge about the interlocutor. Knowing facial expressions of emotion, we not only understand the mood of others, but can send them the right signals.


We tend to listen to people who stand in front of us in an open posture – that is, without fencing off anything. Your purse pressed to your chest, hands crossed or hidden in your pockets, “foot by foot” posture, clenched fists – all these indicate a desire to build an obstacle between you, to ward them off. And vice versa, an open posture, smooth and unhurried gestures and open palms signal others: “I am calm, friendly, and open to dialogue.” Communication aces often use the method of mirroring, with a slight delay repeating the pose and gestures of the interlocutor – this subconsciously disposes people to open up. However, such techniques must be learned.

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Communication Skills Exercises

To overcome shyness and learn to communicate with people, you need the help of a specialist. But there are also simple exercises that can help you develop communication skills. Do not expect miracles from them, but doing them will prepare the ground for more serious work on themselves.

Talking to a chair

Talk out loud every day, not to people, but to objects. By the way, talking to a chair or a geranium is much more difficult than talking to a real interlocutor. That’s why this is such an effective training. Try to talk for a few minutes on a certain topic – to start with just tell how you are doing. You can mentally make a plan of conversation and stick to it. This will help you learn how to express your thoughts coherently.

10 Strangers.

Set a goal for yourself to have casual conversations with strangers every day. Ask the opinion of a saleswoman about the types of bread, ask the first person you meet how to get to the clinic, chat about the weather with the concierge at the entrance, ask your neighbor for some salt. This will take away the fear of talking first.

I remember everything.

Develop your memory – try to remember what the people around you are wearing, what they are holding in their hands, what color their eyes are, what they told you. In the evening check if you can remember many people in detail.


Try saying a compliment to everyone you will talk to during the day. It doesn’t matter if your praise is about appearance (“What an elegant coat!”), personal qualities (“You’re always fun to be with”), or skills (“How nimble you are with the coffee machine!”). The main thing is that the compliments should be sincere.

All information relating to health and medicine, presented only for introductory purposes and is not a reason for self-diagnosis or self-medication.

How to learn to speak well and confidently

wikiHow is a wiki, which means that many of our articles are written by multiple authors. When this article was created, 30 people(s) worked on editing and improving it, including anonymously.

Number of sources used in this article: 7. You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.

Number of views of this article: 131 400.

Quality communication is the key to success, whether you’re speaking in front of a large audience or trying to get the point across to a friend. If you want to know how to speak well and confidently, you need to believe in yourself, speak slowly, and be confident in what you are saying. If you want to know how you can give the impression of an intelligent and thoughtful person during a conversation, then proceed to read the article.

  • If you begin a sentence with “I think that. ” or “however, perhaps. “, then no statement after those words will be as strong as one simply spoken without them.

  • When talking to someone, look people in the eye – you can look away for a while, but generally focus on the people you’re addressing.
  • If it’s obvious that people are concerned or confused, think about whether you’re being clear enough. However, don’t let a confused person throw you off.
  • If the audience is large and you’re really having trouble making eye contact, focus on just a few listeners.

  • plan properly;
  • practice;
  • interact with the audience;
  • pay attention to your body language;
  • think and speak positively;
  • don’t be nervous; [3] X
  • review recordings of your speeches-it will help you get better and better each time.

  • If you really want to familiarize yourself with the room, you can come the day before the speech and get a feel for everything.

  • When it’s time for that great moment, remember what you imagined – how can you achieve it?

  • People don’t like the unknown, and that can be one of the causes of nervousness; so you should gather as much information on the subject as you can.

  • keep your back straight;
  • avoid slouching;
  • don’t move your hands too much;
  • don’t walk too much;
  • look in front of you, not at the floor;
  • make sure your face and body are relaxed.

  • If you are going to give yourself some time to answer questions, you can practice with a friend ahead of time; have him ask you the most difficult questions you can have.

  • If you don’t know what to praise yourself for, you need to work on maintaining your confidence. Build your self-esteem by focusing on what you’re good at, ignoring flaws, and spending time with people who genuinely care and instill confidence in you.

  • If you speak softly, not only will you not be heard, but you may be seen as humble, which often gives away insecure people.
  • On the other hand, you don’t need to speak too loudly, as if you are trying to persuade people to listen. The words themselves should draw attention to them.

  • That doesn’t mean you need to put fifty complicated words in a speech or every speech. But a few key “fancy” words will make the speech look more intelligent, and your speech won’t look like you’re doing it on purpose.
  • Keep notes in a notebook. Write down any new words you come across while reading, with an explanation.

  • It’s okay to use slang when talking to friends. But if your audience is made up of more mature people and you want to speak beautifully, then avoid it.

  • If you use verbal pauses (like “um” or “ah”) during your speech, don’t worry too much about it. It’s a natural way to gather your thoughts. If you think there are too many of them in your speech, you can try saying them quieter, but don’t think you need to avoid them completely.

Use gestures only when they are necessary. Gesticulation during a speech helps to convey a message and emphasize what is being said. However, do not use gestures excessively, or listeners will think that thereby you reinforce your words, which in itself is not enough convincing. Therefore, keep your hands at your sides – use them when it helps to get the gist of what you are saying.

  • If you are giving a speech, write it down and speak it out loud. Reading your own words will help you identify where there is too much repetition and what is better to remove.

  • Think about writing an outline. You should repeat key points at the end of each paragraph and in the conclusion, shouldn’t you? In general, the speech isn’t much different in this.

  • Tell a few stories. If you’re giving a speech, a story at the beginning or end will help convey the information more vividly.

  • You can take the practice of talking to a friend. Find something that calms you down as you address the speech-perhaps a squeeze of a foam ball in your jacket pocket or a smile.

Practice, practice, and practice again. If there is a need, rehearse. Work to control the word-links; practice, pause, and breathe. Practice with a stopwatch and leave time for the unexpected. And the better you know what to talk about, the more confident you’ll be when it happens. [6] X Source of Information

Don’t ask for forgiveness. If you get nervous or accidentally misspoke, don’t draw people’s attention to it by apologizing. Just get on with it, and people will forget the gaffe. Apologies will make things more awkward. Everyone makes mistakes – you shouldn’t emphasize them unless you’ve learned how to turn things into a joke.

Concentrate on what’s important. Ignore your own nervousness and concentrate on the essence of the speech and the audience. [7] X Source of Information The key is to get the point across, not to look like Steve Jobs. By focusing less on yourself, you can feel like you’re delivering the message, which will take the pressure off. Before you speak, remind yourself of how important your speech is and why it is important to you. By doing so, you will stop worrying about excessive sweating or the speed of your words.

Build up experience. Basically, your speech should represent you as a person and as an authority figure. Experience constitutes confidence, which is the key to an effective speech. A club toastmaster can provide you with experience in a safe and friendly atmosphere. Get into the habit of giving speeches at parties – this will also help you. Even if your goal is to learn to speak confidently in front of friends or strangers, the more you do it, the more you will get good at it. It’s the same here as with any other skill.

Know that people want you to succeed. Listeners want you to be interesting, inspiring, informative, and funny. They feed off of you. Think positively about what you need to do first, and know that no one wants you to get confused about words or forget what you were going to narrate. Everyone wants the best for you, and you should want that, too. If you’re scared – whether you’re speaking to a full stadium or a class – remember, everyone wants you to do well.

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