How do you learn to communicate?

How to communicate with people properly and how to be an interesting conversationalist

The ability to communicate with people is very important, but it is even more important to understand how to do it.

How to communicate with people effectively and with pleasure

If you accumulate the experience of prominent introverts of our time and recall the best literature on psychology, you can put together information on how to communicate with people effectively and with pleasure:

1. Habit is second nature. Be what you want to be. How to do it. Play a role until you get into it. Better if you have a good understanding of what your strengths are and can use them. Many people advise communicating in places where you feel most comfortable, for example, in a restaurant or on Telegram. If you’re relaxed, it’s much easier to communicate.

You don’t have to think that everyone is only looking at you and thinking about you. It’s understandable that for ourselves, we will prove to be very important and necessary. But to those around us we are just a passing fixture. Many of them won’t even remember that you exist two minutes after your dialogue. So be easy and don’t worry about what you think people will think of you. Most of the time, people won’t even notice that you’re wrong about something.

3. Develop your sense of humor and watch popular speeches of various dignitaries more often. If you know how to joke appropriately, you will always be able to lower the temperature of any conversation when the situation heats up. Take your time, try to pick up the joke properly, and remember that you yourself should not laugh at it. Yes, even if you really want to. You can smile.

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Always try to find something to hold on to. When you’ve listened to the person you’re talking to, find some points that can grow into another topic of conversation. It is believed that the best topics to start a conversation are common interests, motives, and common acquaintances to discuss.

5. Try to communicate as equals with people, otherwise they will feel like nobles, and they will think of you as a slave. They won’t tell you that directly, but you’ll feel it. Even if you have no experience at work, or if you think that if the position of the interlocutor is higher, you shouldn’t ingratiate yourself to him, it’s fundamentally the wrong approach. Talk about the job, and then people won’t have time to think about the fact that you’re inexperienced in some matters.

7. Necessary pauses. This point is about two things: active listening and politeness that go together. Popular and successful speakers say that it is very important not to answer your own question. If you ask something, pause and listen to your interlocutor’s opinion. You also don’t have to talk about yourself all the time.

8. Gesticulate as much as possible. You may have watched the airwaves of people who broadcast to the general public and noticed how much they use gestures. More often than not, gestures help express thoughts and put people at ease. Don’t be shy about moving and especially expressing emotions with your hands and fingers.

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9. Body Language. We could talk about body language endlessly, and you probably realize how important it is if you want to learn how to communicate with people. Try starting by giving yourself confidence before an important conversation by using appropriate postures. In famous superhero movies, you’ve clearly seen a pose that expresses power. Try standing with your legs wide apart and looking openly in front of you more often than squirming and hiding in your smartphone, because that won’t give you confidence. Before all important conversations, much less work meetings, put your phone in your pocket and don’t pull it out until the conversation is over.

10. Compliment more often. Everyone likes it when people say nice things about us. This raises self-esteem and even sometimes motivates you to perform feats, to make some positive changes in yourself. Remember that if you praise, don’t overdo it, but say enough. And if they praise you, you don’t have to play coy. Acknowledge what you are being told and show yourself to be a person worthy of that praise.

14. It will help you become more relaxed in your communication how you interpret what other people have said. Suppose someone says something to you, but then behaves in some strange way. For example, if you think that the person is interested in you, then you will understand his words in your own way, but if you think that he is unpleasant to communicate with you, then the interpretation of his phrases will be different. Try to interpret everything according to the situation and better in a positive way, because this is better for you.

17. Try not to be boring and predictable. If you get acquainted with the person, then refrain from the standard questions, after which you do not remember each other. Better come up with something original, to hook him. Questions should be unusual, fascinating and dispose to continue the conversation.

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Literature to help you learn how to communicate with others

1. “The Science of Communication (W. Edwards). This is just the right book to explain how to communicate with people. The author gives insight into reading emotions, intentions, and how to find common ground with anyone. On the plus side, the book also contains practical material, making it a great primer for anyone wanting to become more communicative. The text covers different situations like work meetings, parties, and so on. You will learn how to read body language and understand facial expressions, as well as how to interest any interlocutor.

2. “Jedi Techniques of Constructive Communication” (A. Orlov). A book with an interesting title and no less valuable content. The author teaches empathy, helps you get out of a situation where you are under pressure and agree when it seems that nothing will help. He also breaks down problematic cases and points out the reasons for all the problems. The material will be useful for everyone who wants to become more communicative.

3. “How to talk to anyone” (M. Rhodes). To communicate easily, you need to be relaxed. The book teaches how to relax in dialogue. Day in and day out, we all find ourselves in situations where communication can change our lives. How to stay out of trouble and feel confident, M. Rose tells us in her helpful creation.

4. “Mastering Communication” (P. McGee). Mater promises to help you find common ground with anyone, master the art of compliments, respond appropriately to any phrase or sentence, and so on. The sooner you learn how to communicate with people, the easier your life will be. The author is convinced that if you are able to build the right relationships with people, it guarantees you success in life.

5. “Don’t Work with Assholes” (R. Sutton). A book for anyone who wants to know how to communicate with coworkers who get in the way of work. Yes, it’s exactly about the perpetual whiners and killers of your time who keep you from concentrating. It’s not a book, it’s a cure for productivity. Your relationships with your coworkers will become really civilized and your results will improve.

6. “The Psychology of Persuasion (R. Cialdini). A pure concentrate of the most effective psychological techniques for learning how to persuade your interlocutor, motivate him to agree with you and influence others with your words. The book helps you understand the importance of liking others and getting what you want by being honest, but using masterful techniques.

7. “The Art of Explaining” (L. LeFever). Will help you learn what to do to make sure the person understands exactly what you want to say, not what they have made up for themselves. The author says that if you are understood by others – it’s cool, but if understanding is achieved in business – it also brings income. Someone thinks the ability to explain well is a gift from God, but it is not. The book is for a wide audience, the text is simple, uncomplicated explanations. Anyone can understand.

A good book, caught in time, can really work wonders. If you have not yet realized how important it is to be able to communicate with people, then think about yourself, how often have you been in difficult situations where it is completely unclear what to do, how to express his thoughts.

Especially lack of communication skills people feel at work and in love. When money or family is at stake, it pays to have a trained tongue.

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The basics of the psychology of communicating with others

You may be familiar with the personality of the popular psychologist Dale Carnegie, who wrote a large number of books that remain relevant to this day.

  • Show interest in people. Don’t pretend, be sincere. Think about what is more attractive to you – the wise man who tells you something great or the one who looks at you with undisguised interest.
  • Remember the value of a name to each person. It is the sweetest sound to the human ear. To hear your name from the mouth of your interlocutor is a balm to the soul. Don’t forget.
  • Be smiling and courteous. If you smile, the person understands that you feel good with them. Isn’t that wonderful? A sincere smile is disarming.
  • Learn not to let important information pass your ears. This is one of the top secrets that teaches you how to communicate with people.
  • Memorize as much as you can about the person, it will help you in the future. Of course, if you want to communicate with him further.

A few exercises to learn how to communicate with people

1. Dialogues with things

Communicate every day with pieces of furniture, and don’t think it’s any easier than with a person. Just try it for starters and you’ll be surprised at how hard it is. After all, the iron won’t ask you how you’re doing, it will be meaningfully silent. You’ll have to figure it out on your own.

2. A day of praise.

Wake up, give yourself a compliment, looking in the mirror. Then to your friends at home, and so on. On the street, in the store, at work. Try to make the person smile. Only the main condition: do it from the heart, do not make up just anything.

3. Fear of communication

Starting today, start this challenge: Talk to five people a day. It might even be the bus conductor or the baker at the bakery, the pizza delivery guy, the boss, anyone. This challenge will help eradicate your fear of talking to someone first.

4. Magic Memory.

Do you remember everything about yourself? Do you notice how everything you’ve learned during the day slips your mind? At least start by keeping a diary. Practice on the street, too, by memorizing license plates, the colors of people’s clothes at the bus stop, the names of books in the store, the color of your coworkers’ eyes, and your mother or father’s phrases. In the evenings, test yourself by remembering everything you saw and heard during the day. For confirmation during the day you can take pictures of everything around you to make sure you are right.

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What else is important to remember for communication

You may know such people who have such a good tongue it’s envy, and of course, you have met those who even at the supermarket checkout can’t pay properly and choose whether to buy a bag or not.

We’re all different and that’s okay, but the most important thing is that you have to understand how important it is to be able to communicate with people.

The ways listed above aren’t the only ways, so remember these as well. But the catch is that you have to use all of them anyway, or you can’t. Just reading them won’t change anything.

Body Language

Body language, which is trumpeted in every corner, is important for a reason. Our bodies talk more openly than we do. It most often betrays us with trembling knees or crossed arms as we try to squeeze out all the bravado. You can’t fool the body. And those who know it can read you easily.

If you’re silent and you look at the person, you can be sure that the conversation has already begun. Our eyes, hands and facial expressions are full of signals that tell people everything they need to know.

So when talking, help yourself to express the words with gestures and watch carefully the reaction of the interlocutor. Barbara and Allen Pease’s books will help you understand more about body language.

Ilham Akbar , Unsplash

Speak clearly.

What does it mean? All your echoing, mooing to fill pauses and other garbage spoils the impression of what you say. As soon as you answer these rudiments, you immediately sound more confident. They say it will also help you express yourself more clearly, so it’s worth it.

Prepare and think through your speech beforehand.

Obviously, if you’re having trouble communicating, you need to think through what you’re going to say in advance. If you have to, just take a piece of paper and write out everything you want to say. If it’s not a job interview, but a personal conversation, a plan on paper will also help, because very often during an emotional dialogue you realize that your tongue feels like it’s glued to your palate.

You can practice this way even if you don’t have an important conversation to have. Just run through the phrases and options in your head and get used to expressing your thoughts more clearly.

1. Storytelling

Sounds modern, but it’s essentially just trying to capture your interlocutor’s attention with a story. And it works. It makes you “your” guy and helps the person listening to you relax.

If you manage to tell a cool story, not even your own, but someone else’s, the effect is still great.

2. be curious like a child

But don’t be stupid. The more questions you ask, the better. The main thing is that they should be interesting and relevant to the topic of conversation. Don’t worry about seeming annoying. Questions are a sign that you are interested.

Leah Hetteberg , Unsplash

3. Rephrase

There’s a clever trick to be surprised to interrogate the end of a person’s sentence. You don’t even have to be a communication god, just act natural.

4. Get away from your smartphone.

If you’re stuck on your phone during a conversation, the person will see it as a sign of disrespect. That’s a way to get into a fight. If you don’t want to do that, please put your phone away. Noise can also be a distraction. If it’s not you making it, that’s fine, but it’s a good idea to change locations.

5. Don’t talk too much about yourself.

More about the interlocutor and your topic, less about yourself. Don’t take advantage of people by leaking your problems to them.

Be so respectful, that even if you really want to share your endless impressions, thoughts, and so on, stop to listen to your opponent. This is the great science of how to communicate with people.

6. Brevity is everything.

And be specific. Try to express yourself succinctly and clearly. It’ll help you not only at work, but also in life.

7. Tune in to the wave of your interlocutor

Try to understand the person, feel his words, his problems. Remember about empathy. People appreciate it and it feels good to be noticed. And it’s good for you.

8. Active Listening

Active listening, which we can talk about endlessly. The more attentively you listen, the more chances you have to be considered an excellent conversationalist. Even if you’re obsessed with your own problems, still listen and forget about yourself. Be patient and you will be rewarded.

The word is a real weapon. It can wound or kill. A well-spoken word will strike its mark and kill you. If you think that your words mean nothing, or that you can just tell people what you think about them and you won’t get anything for it, you are deeply mistaken. That’s not true.

There are some people who insult others in a so-called state of affect and think that people shouldn’t take it personally.

Or people who simply “leak” their suffering to others and think that this is the way it should be, that it’s allowed and even necessary. But not everyone is allowed to speak out. And if you understand what boundaries are, you won’t do it.

If you have such a wealth as the ability to communicate with others, to express your thoughts fully, clearly and tastefully, then you have a gold bar in your hands, use it to your advantage.

How to learn to communicate with all kinds of people: useful tips and exercises

Writer by profession, at heart – a philosopher. Exploring the topic of psychology, esoterics, I am a consultant on the archetypes of personality. I have been working as a freelancer for almost 10 years.

Good day dear readers!

There is an opinion that it is impossible to teach a person to be sociable. This quality is either already inborn in him, or not. But in recent years the psychologists have been actively refuting this stereotype, saying that the ability to communicate is the same skill as dancing or cooking. And even if you do not become a virtuoso “chef”, but you can significantly pump up a valuable skill.

Today you’ll learn how to learn to communicate with people and become an interesting conversationalist. In the article we will consider the recommendations of experts and useful exercises.

Causes of difficulties in communication

Why is it so difficult for us to talk to strangers, socialize in a new company, or even feel comfortable in a familiar group?

The reasons often come from childhood and adolescence. Parental “do not talk nonsense,” painful speeches at the blackboard, ridicule classmates – all this will invariably impose a mark and create difficulties in communication in adulthood.

Because of low self-esteem, insecurity or even the presence of problems with diction (for example, stuttering, defects in the pronunciation of sounds and letters, etc.) there are many fears:

  • to be laughed at, misunderstood;
  • to make a mistake, to say something wrong;
  • to express one’s opinion;
  • to cause general disapproval, to be rejected, not accepted.

An insecure person is constantly worried about what others will think of him or her, whether they will like him or her, how he or she will be treated. Thus, his attention is concentrated around himself, his problems and shortcomings.

It is commonly believed that introverts, whose mental state is directed toward the inner world, are the most likely to experience difficulties in social communication.

But as I mentioned in the very beginning of this article, anyone with any experience and with any psycho-type can learn to communicate and not feel uncomfortable with it.

Let’s look at how to do this.

The rules of good communication

You also need to know how to communicate correctly. I suggest that you learn a few simple principles of communication that will help you easily locate any interlocutor:

  1. Smile. The most banal, but at the same time a very effective and useful tip. Numerous studies have proven that people who smile seem to be more attractive to others. Even more attracted to those who can joke well, and therefore it will not be out of place to practice this art and develop a sense of humor.
  2. Posture and gaze. They should be open. Do not cross your arms across your chest, thereby non-verbally demonstrating emotional detachment and distance. When gesticulating, leave your palms open, turning them from time to time to the interlocutor. Maintain eye contact with the person during the conversation, trying to look at him/her in a friendly and interested manner.
  3. Address by name. A name is the sweetest sound for every person. Addressing during a conversation by name, you automatically dispose to the interlocutor, causing his confidence and sympathy. That’s why it is so important to remember the names of new acquaintances from the first time.
  4. Compliments. Who doesn’t like to hear something nice in their address? But here it is important not to go overboard. One appropriate and sincere compliment will be enough, otherwise it will be like flattery. And sycophants are loved by few people, except for the most narcissistic people.

How to become an interesting conversationalist in any situation

Below you will find recommendations that are often given by psychologists.

  • Show genuine interest in the interlocutor

Self-centeredness is one of the main enemies of healthy communication. Try not to think about what they will think about you, what you look like during the conversation, what impression you make.

Pay attention to the person in front of you. What does he look like? What and how does he say? Is he/she interested in the topic? What is he worried about? Don’t hesitate to ask follow-up questions: this will show your interest and participation. When you turn your attention to the person you’re talking to, you won’t leave yourself open to personal feelings.

It’s okay to make mistakes. By the way, many experiments have shown that people are more sympathetic to those who make cute mistakes. For example, dropping a pasta on the table during lunch or somehow twisting a word in a conversation. Vulnerabilities make us human. Take off the armor of perfection! You’ll find it easier to get along with people.

Find win-win topics that you can discuss with anyone. It doesn’t have to be about nature and the weather. Discuss common acquaintances and tell what you have in common with them, ask about the interlocutor’s interests. Many other topics for conversation for a variety of occasions I listed in a separate publication.

Regardless of what age, social status, or level of erudition the person in front of you is, remember that first of all, this is just a person.

It’s not about talking to someone twice your age with a swagger, patting him on the shoulder in a friendly manner. No. It’s about feeling equal to anyone, not ingratiating yourself, not looking up, not trying to please by all available methods, but seeing him as a human being with his weaknesses and the same imperfection as everyone else.

For example, you are talking to a stranger and are very worried that you do not make on him the impression you would like. Replace frightening speculation with positive: Imagine that you already know this person very well and know exactly what he respects and appreciates you. This will allow you to relax a little and communicate more naturally.

Another example. If you begin to notice that the person looks away during your speech, as if showing a lack of interest, give a different meaning to his behavior: think that at this moment he may just be shy and think about how he looks in your eyes.

  • Adjust to the manner of speech of the interlocutor

We all speak at different speeds. And in different ways we perceive and absorb information. If your interlocutor speaks slower than you, it means he needs a little more time to think. Try to slow down. Matching the pace of speech is good for mutual understanding.

Here we would also like to touch on the subject of taboos. What is better to refrain from during a conversation:

  • from complaints about life, the government, neighbors, co-workers, spouses, etc.;
  • from other negative things;
  • from picking on people and pointing out mistakes and inaccuracies in the speaker’s speech and behavior;
  • from moralizing, unsolicited advice and criticism;
  • from excessive questions and requests to the interlocutor
  • unnecessary details about one’s personal life and other inappropriate details;
  • gossip and poking fun at those who are not there
  • Not using specific terms that the person you are talking to may not be familiar with.

Useful Exercises

Communication, like any other skill, needs regular practice. You can hone your communication skills both on the battlefield, i.e. practicing real communication with different people, and with the help of exercises.

I’ll list the most effective methods that will help you stop being shy and sharpen your communication skills.

Plan for strangers

Set a goal of talking to at least three strangers every day. It doesn’t have to be a full-fledged conversation, just a word or two. For example, you are standing at a bus stop: ask the person standing next to you if the bus number n has passed long ago. You can ask the clerk in a store how fresh the fish is on the counter. If you ask for a fare and say thank you in a minibus, that counts, too. If you make new acquaintances on the Internet, tick the “Done” box, too.

There are plenty of reasons to talk. The main thing is not to cheat, and do not deviate from the plan: 3 people a day.

Phone call.

If you’re having a hard time starting conversations with strangers in a real conversation, start with phone calls. For example, you need to check prices at a beauty salon. Do not go to its website, but call the administrator and find out all the details verbally.

The same applies to any services and organizations: public utilities, childcare sections, fitness centers, pension funds, etc. If at first you are afraid of missing something important in the conversation, make a list of questions on paper, because this way you will be calmer and easier to orient yourself.

Talking to the furniture

Don’t worry, you won’t be taken “to the right place.” This is a very popular exercise in psychology, which is often given at various thematic trainings.

Choose for yourself any object located in the apartment. This may be a chair, a closet, a houseplant, a book, or even a cat. Tell the chosen “interlocutor” how your day went yesterday, what plans you would like to implement in the near future, describe the plot of a movie you recently saw, or the current news that everyone is talking about.

You may feel uncomfortable and strange at first. But this will pass with time. This kind of training will help stretch your brain and teach you to express your thoughts intelligently and clearly.


Surely you have already heard about this exercise. You need to stand in front of a mirror and start talking. Topics can be taken absolutely any. You can even say something incoherent.

The purpose of the task is to look at yourself from the outside and learn to control gestures, facial expressions, movements, gaze, etc.


Most of us read something on social media or Internet sites almost every day. This can be informative articles, entertaining posts, news feeds, etc. The essence of the exercise is to retell to yourself what you’ve just read.

Try to reproduce as accurately as possible the style, order of words, and sequence of thought. The retelling should be as close to the original as possible. If the article is long, you can break it up into several paragraphs and tell only part of it.

This exercise will help shake up your vocabulary a little, and at the same time train your memory and attention.

Continue the thought

Turn on the TV on any channel or YouTube video, listen for 30 seconds to what they say, then turn it off (you can just mute it or pause it) and try to continue what you hear.

This can be very interesting, because you will have to guess what it’s about next, come up with something unusual, but logically appropriate in meaning.

Thanks to such an exercise, you will learn to find non-standard solutions, develop flexibility of mind, and make your speech more interesting.


In fact, the query “I don’t know how to communicate with people, what to do” is very popular. The emergence and constant improvement of cool technology allows us to solve many of the most difficult problems, but at the same time something important we lose. We are losing the desire and ability to communicate.

I hope the above tips and exercises will help you to develop the skill of real communication and witness how great life changes for the better, becomes more fulfilling, joyful and full of meaning.

To consolidate the skill, I recommend reading other useful publications on the topic of communication:

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