10 signs that it’s time for you to get divorced
How do you know when it’s time to get divorced? If you’re asking yourself this question, it means you’ve been doubting your marriage for some time and probably don’t feel happy. Today, we at invme decided to bring up not the easiest topic and tell you when it’s time to stop thinking and start acting, namely, filing for divorce.
How do you know when it’s time to get a divorce? If you are asking yourself this question, it means that you have been doubting your marriage for some time and probably do not feel happy
You are annoyed with everything.
You notice that you began to annoy literally everything about your partner. He does not eat, sleep, cook poorly, talks too much (or too little), and breathes very loudly. If you occasionally have this condition, there’s nothing wrong with it, but if you’ve been doing nothing but getting annoyed about everything for months or, even worse, several years, it’s unlikely that you and your partner have any warm feelings left. The person you love can not cause solely displeasure, no matter what he did, and especially – just his existence.
Your partner’s shortcomings have begun to really piss you off
Signs of divorce may not always be obvious, and sometimes you may not notice something for a long time. This includes a situation where your partner’s flaws began to literally piss you off. After all, he was with these flaws from the beginning, but you fell in love with them, accepted them and decided that they do not bother you enough to separate. After all, he immediately started throwing his socks around and not putting a dirty plate in the sink. And she originally spent three hours in the bathroom and was 15 minutes late every time. Only before it didn’t matter, and sometimes it even seemed nice, but now it only causes you aggression and resentment.
You don’t spend time together.
And in order not to spend time together, you don’t have to live apart at all. You can live together in one apartment and see each other every day, but still be complete strangers. Remember how you used to talk for hours, discussing everything that was bothering you, what happened during the day, who you saw and what you did. And it all seemed so interesting, like you were watching the most exciting movie . And now you don’t know what’s going on with your partner, you don’t go anywhere together, you don’t go out on dates or walks and you just live as if “on automatic” without experiencing any new emotions.
You practically do not have sex.
One of the obvious signs that something is wrong between you – the lack of sex. It is either too little, or it happens too infrequently, or you don’t like it at all. When this happens, you gradually drift away from your partner and no longer feel the intimacy that you used to have between you. Everyone can have relationship crises when you just don’t feel like making love to your partner. And if it’s temporary, then do not worry. But if you can’t remember the last time you had sex, it’s probably a reason to think about why you’re in a relationship with that person in the first place.
You don’t care where or with whom your partner
Not only have you stopped feeling any kind of jealousy toward your partner, you have become completely indifferent to where and with whom he spends his time. Not being jealous is an indicator that you are confident in yourself and your mate, that you trust her and understand that you can’t bind the other person to you. And if someone wants to cheat, they will do it, whether you are constantly jealous or not. But to feel indifferent about where your partner is disappearing indicates that there is most likely no love in you toward him. And that you are living two different lives that no longer overlap in any way.
Your life has become a constant quarrel.
No harmony – neither internal nor external – for a long time is out of the question. All you do is to find out about the relationship, and often because of what is not worth such disputes in general. Such squabbles can suck all the strength out of you, and may, on the contrary, even bring some painful pleasure. But the bottom line is the same – you do not feel calm and secure at home, you often do not want to go back there and experience constant stress, which spoils your mood and harms your health. Is this what you expected from family life?
You’re only living together because of the kids.
This is probably the most common reason couples don’t split up. Even the ones that have nothing left between them at all. Even those who literally hate each other. All psychologists say that a complete family is important for a child. But at the same time saying – a complete happy family. And seeing exhausted and constantly fighting parents who hate each other is unlikely to make a child grow up to be a happy person with a healthy psyche and self-esteem. A child needs loving parents who are in harmony with themselves. And it is better to let them be with him separately than together, but through suffering, quarrels, tears and childhood trauma.
Habit and fear of being alone is holding you back.
Habit and fear of being alone keeps literally millions of people together. “How come, Sasha and I have been together for 15 years. We’ve been through so much. How will I be without him” or “Who will love me, 35-year-old, divorced and with a child? Who will want me?” – These are classic examples of marriages based on fears of loneliness and change, not on love and mutual respect. You can be sure you will be loved. But only when you will love yourself, understand your value and stop living in the past, namely, your husband, with whom things have not worked out for a long time, but sorry to let go.
Habit and fear of being alone keeps literally millions of people together
Nothing happened, you just can’t.
This is probably the most difficult situation in which it is so difficult to decide to get a divorce. Because nothing bad happened between you two. No one is insulting or humiliating anyone. You don’t fight, you spend time together, and you even have sex. But all of this makes you very sad, because you feel excruciatingly and unbearably “nothing. You just don’t feel anything. And you may even feel – a great deal of respect and gratitude for the person you are with. But not love or passion. Decide to divorce in this situation is not for everyone. And the best thing to do is to go to a psychologist, and if your partner agrees – to a family psychologist. Specialists will be able to help you sort yourself out and understand which way to go.
Cheating is a very controversial topic that tops the list of reasons for divorce. What infidelity is, whether it can be forgiven, whether a person in love can cheat, whether it equates to betrayal – all of these questions can only be considered through your relationship. For some, cheating is sex, and for others, it’s an innocent hookup. The one thing that will be true for all: cheating can be a reason for divorce when it has hurt you, when you can’t forgive it, and when you feel that it has blotted out everything that was between you before.
Opinion of a psychologist
At the end, we would like to quote the famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky. Perhaps it is she who will help you to finally make a decision :
“Of course, the first time after the breakup you will have a hard time. It’s normal, divorce is generally considered the second deepest trauma after the death of a loved one. Give yourself a year. Around this time your psyche will “digest” the stress, you will be ready to move on. During this difficult period, avoid two extremes. The first – to sit in limbo and cry around the clock, the second – to go to great lengths and prove to everyone (and the ex, of course) that you – in demand. Loneliness and reveling in their own suffering will day by day destroy self-esteem and ruin health, and men you will compare the former. That is, if it’s nothing binding meetings, sex, going to the movies – have fun on your own. But do not expect that you can quickly move from one relationship to another. This is almost guaranteed to be neurotic alliance, which will not end well.
One more thing: It’s not your fault. You didn’t scare him off by coming out of the bathroom without makeup. You cooked normally, you have a normal figure, a normal character, everything is normal with you. Do not allow the vicious thought of “If I had behaved differently, everything could be different. Absolutely not! You are who you are, you are you and no one else. A man loves a woman as a whole, all of her, without dividing her by her cooking skills or the length of her legs. Don’t try to “learn lessons” and change yourself after a breakup, because that’s violence to yourself. Perhaps the only thing to think about is whether you took responsibility for everything that went on in your couple. Because if you believed that the “weather in the house” is entirely your responsibility, then you need to get rid of this attitude urgently. It takes two to tango.
If you do decide to get divorced and don’t know what to do about it, read our invme article on how to survive a divorce .
How to know when it’s time to get divorced
Starting a family is a fairly responsible undertaking that imposes certain obligations. Most marital unions are made for love, the newlyweds think that this feeling will last forever. After a few years of household chores and pressing problems, passion and love gradually fade, the relationship worsens, and the wife begins to think about divorce from her husband. How do you know you need a divorce from her husband?
What families are at risk: divorce statistics
According to statistics, a third of families fall apart. The palm of superiority in the risk group is occupied by couples who have been married for 3-6 years and have a small child. Alas, but children do not keep them from separating, and on the contrary, can become a reason for divorce.
In second place are married couples who have been married for 20-25 years. During these years, spouses have already raised children and are looking for new directions in life. Amazingly, families without children are the least likely to break up when the reason for the breakup is the desire to have children of their own. Take the test and find out what the chances are of getting your husband back Many families are in danger of divorce. Some have minimal chances of a happy future since marriage. This includes pregnancy marriages or early marriages when the partners are too young and don’t know exactly what they want out of life.
Psychologists recommend not rushing into marriage, if lovers meet for a short time. The extra time will give the couple time to get to know each other better, to learn about each other’s shortcomings. The family will be strong when the bride and groom know what disadvantages of the other half they will have to put up with.
A valid reason for the dissolution of the marriage can be self-interest of the chosen one. If a woman is beautiful and charming, she will not want to keep the family so that the lover will assert himself at her expense.
Emotional co-dependency also destroys the family union. This kind of relationship is unhealthy to begin with. Probably, in order for partners to be self-sufficient and understand what true love is, you need the help of a psychologist.
If the basis of the family was not love, sincere feelings, it is doomed to collapse . The young lady can enjoy the status, the financial state of her husband, but over time, frustration, anger, irritation accumulate, which will one day break out.
Unfortunately, the institution of marriage today is not considered indestructible. In the first years of married life, 40% of couples break up, and in the first decade – more than 60%.
Statistics say that people who married before the age of thirty value their family more than those who married after 30. At a mature age it is much harder to adjust to the chosen one, to put up with his shortcomings, to refuse some of his habits, to consider not only their needs, but also the needs of the loved person. People over 30 is more difficult to get used to the role of the family man, especially if previously there was no experience of family life.
To leave her husband or to be patient. It is very common when a woman thinks about parting with a tired spouse for years, but such a radical act remains only in her dreams. Take the responsibility, to show initiative is difficult. Usually all women are scared of the same thoughts. Take the test and find out what are the chances to return her husband
Fear of being alone
Beautiful women by nature itself laid the desire to be the keeper of the family home, to take care of her husband and children, to protect and help them. Formation of psychological dependence takes years and it is unlikely to get rid of it quickly. Feeling of anxiety, apathy, lack of interest in life – this is characteristic of people who have just split up.
In this case, it is important to tune in to a positive wave, to set yourself up for good, to believe in yourself, no matter what happens. Recall what you were passionate about before marriage, slowly return what gave you pleasure. Then life will play with new colors.
It’s normal to be afraid, it’s a natural instinct. Do not be afraid of the prospect of being alone. Much worse to live all your life next to a man you do not love.
Before a breakup, many women have thoughts that stop her from taking a decisive step and seem at least strange to those around her.
In a conversation with her girlfriends, they say in frustration that they spent the best years of their lives on a scoundrel. First of all, young ladies say so because of the resentment against themselves. After all, they were the ones who once made the wrong decision. But as we know, there are no perfect people; everyone can make mistakes. Do not shed bitter tears over missed opportunities, what was, was. Take the test and find out what the chances of getting your husband back
What people will say.
Very often women are held back from the divorce process by public opinion. They are afraid that their environment will not support them. Gossip behind their backs, sympathetic views have a negative impact on the situation. Only those who truly wish you well will support you, and the opinion of the rest should not pay attention.
The main thing – do not hide in a shell from their fears, over they need to continually work. Have a heart-to-heart talk with a loved one, and in the most difficult cases do not hesitate to go to a psychologist for help.
When it’s time to divorce your husband: the signs
- Disagreements on domestic grounds. Everyone has his own shortcomings, bad habits. Beginning a relationship, many people try to hide them, make concessions, but after the Mendelssohn march plays, they take off their masks, become themselves. What has been carefully hidden comes out, so the relationship changes. In this case, each must decide for himself whether he can put up with the shortcomings of the other half, to close his eyes to them. If yes – then the family can be preserved, if not – it is time to divorce.
- Lack of former passion. One of the reasons for the dissolution of the marriage is the lack or lack of sexual intimacy between partners.
- Excessive jealousy. This feeling could lead to rash actions. As a rule, jealousy is more inherent in the stronger sex and usually has no basis. It is because of jealousy in the family thrives violence, physical abuse and scandals.
- Lack of trust. The family will be strong and happy if there is an emotional connection between the spouses. If there is no trust between the partners, they can not find a common language, then the marriage is doomed to ruin.
- Indifference. When one of the spouses does not matter to the opinion of the other, it means that it ceased to be important, meaningful. This indicates that the former love is extinguished, the relationship is coming to a logical end.
- Changes in behavior. Often the reason for this is the emergence of a new passion. Under the influence of guilt, the husband becomes silky, or he does not care about his lawful wife and the relationship becomes worse.
- There is no right to choose. Everyone has the right to their own hobbies, interests. Therefore, sometimes the reason for divorce becomes the husband’s prohibition to engage in the hobbies he loves. Partners can not agree with each other, do not feel understanding and support, so an attempt to prohibit the hobby can cause aggression. The woman feels that her freedom of choice, personal space is violated, so the marriage gives a crack.
In what cases can the family be saved?
Separation is not always the only correct way out, in some cases, the marriage can be saved. Of course, much depends on each individual case, because often the cause of the divorce are trivial quarrels, inability to agree, listen to each other. If between the spouses still have a desire to be together, love and passion, they may well forgive each other, understand and keep the family.
The presence of joint children can also be a strong argument for the preservation of relations, because for children, parents are the most family and close people. For a child, the divorce of mom and dad is a serious psychological trauma, which is not always possible to cope with as an adult. If the situation is not so critical, you can try to find compromises for the sake of the child. Take the test and find out what are the chances of getting your husband back
Compelling reasons when you should definitely divorce
The reasons for breaking up a relationship can vary. Sometimes reconciliation between spouses is possible, but sometimes you can’t do without a divorce. Some of the main reasons when it is necessary to divorce include the following:
- Alcoholism or drug addiction. Cases where a person makes the decision to quit drinking or using drugs on their own are quite rare. As a rule, drug addicts and alcoholics understand their plight too late, when it is no longer possible to do anything. By this time, they ruin their families with their own hands, they lose their property, their relatives turn away from them and their health seriously fails.
- Domestic Violence. You can not forgive your spouse, if he/she allows himself/herself to raise his/her hand on the spouse and children. It is necessary to get rid of such relations as quickly as possible.
- Infidelity. Adultery is one of the most common causes of divorce. Many young ladies decide to forgive the cheater, but, as a rule, this situation repeats, eventually all ends in separation.
- Dissatisfaction with sexual life. Intimacy in family life is not in last place. If one of the partners feel dissatisfaction, the problem can be solved with the help of specialists. However, many couples are embarrassed to go to see a sexologist or psychologist with this problem. Therefore, families end their existence.
- Financial insolvency. Usually men are charged with the responsibility of supporting the family. But it is one thing when the family does not have enough money temporarily, and another when the husband can not provide for his wife and children a priori. If a man does not bring money to the family for a long time, women file for divorce.
- Individual incompatibility. If the marriage was concluded in a burst of emotion, then after a while partners realize that they are completely dissimilar, they have nothing in common, the marriage must be dissolved.
- Unwillingness of one of the partners to have children. As a rule, people get married in order to continue their family line. Therefore, if the spouses cannot reach a consensus, as one of them wants a child and the other does not, then sooner or later, the one who wants to have an heir will find a person who will share his desire to become a parent.
Is a full family always better for children?
Many women, after having a child, are willing to make the sacrifice and put up with an unloved man next to her, who may be abusive or even beat her. They forgive the life partner for a “left” and spend their own health and time to rid their beloved of alcoholism. But do children need such a father? What he will teach them and what he can give them?
Of course, in such situations, even if there are children in common, it is necessary to end the relationship, to terminate the relationship. Parents are an example for children, and in unhappy families children’s destinies are broken and they often repeat the life of their mom and dad.
Tips from a psychologist
Professional recommendations may be required if the family can still be saved, that is, the situation has not reached a critical state. First of all you need to think about the future.
What will happen if you do not change anything? Think about how you will continue to live with your spouse. What happens if you get divorced? Determine how you will build a life without your other half. Evaluate the pros and cons.
Trust your intuition and desires and think about what you’ll miss if you do not divorce and try to keep the family relationship? What are you missing out on if you leave things as they are? Is it better to leave behind a failed marriage and move on with your life, change for the better, pursue your goals?
Answering these questions will help you sort out your feelings. If you want to save your marriage, ahead of you a long work on yourself. Advice from a psychologist can help save the marriage:
- Do not sacrifice yourself;
- love and respect yourself;
- Take time for yourself;
- change not only outwardly, but also internally;
- Learn to negotiate and find compromises;
- Don’t make a row and don’t criticize your husband;
- Find a hobby that will help you relax and get rid of negativity;
- Diversify your sex life.
A legal perspective.
Are you firmly convinced of your desire for a divorce? Be prepared that the divorce procedure can drag on for months. Divorce will go easily if you can maintain an amicable relationship with your spouse and you have nothing to share.
If there are children, you can only get a divorce through the courts. If you independently divided the property and have no claims, you also need to determine in court the order of communication with the child and the appointment of alimony.
If you come to the result, which contradicts the family code, then the court must record your agreement, so that later there will be no misunderstandings.
Conventionally divorces are divided into several groups:
- the couple has no children and property claims;
- There are children, but claims to each other are absent;
- The married couple can not come to an agreement.
How to explain the situation to a child
Tell the baby that mom and dad will no longer live together only after the divorce petition has been filed. Give him exactly as much information as he can understand due to his age. If the child is old enough, you will have to give more explanations.
Children under the age of three tend to perceive emotions and intonation. The meaning of what is being said is in second place. It is inadmissible to show anxiety in front of the child, otherwise it will be transmitted to him/her.
Older children will need to explain the situation in more detail. Toddlers from 3 to 6 years old usually feel guilty about their mom and dad’s divorce. Tell him that even though the relationship between the parents has changed, they continue to love him.
It is important that both parents participate in the conversation. Even though the marital union has ended, they need to build a new format of relationship for the sake of the children.
If you love your husband very much and want to keep the family together, don’t pass up the opportunity to rekindle a strong relationship. Click on the video below for tips on this topic from an independent professional experienced in dealing with family problems: