How do you get over breaking up with a guy you love very much?

How to survive the breakup of a relationship: 13 tips from a psychologist

The author of the article: Naumenko Alexandra Igorevna Family psychologist, child psychologist. Practical experience: 8 years.

We want to love and be loved, we want to create a happy and strong family, to live in abundance and prosperity. But before we find an ideal life partner, many of us are destined to go through a series of partings. Some people take it as a beginning of a new stage in life and find strength to move forward, but for some people the rupture with a loved one is comparable to a serious loss.

Everything will pass…

Of course, time heals even the deepest wounds. But in the present moment it seems that it is impossible to go on living, because the brain is absorbed by the memories of the past, and feelings towards the former partner are still as strong. As a result, we withdraw into ourselves, refuse to communicate with loved ones, given into the power of negative thoughts and anxious expectations, and sink headlong into a depressed emotional state.

Although now you do not understand how to go on after a breakup, but sooner or later the emotional pain will pass. The main thing – do not give up and do everything possible to ensure that this condition does not lead to a prolonged depression and do not impose a mark on future relationships. Life is not over, there are a lot of interesting things ahead of you, and new, no less happy relationships – including.

If you do not manage to survive the pain of loss on their own, we strongly recommend enlisting the support of a psychologist. When you break up this is the right decision. Or at least take advantage of his advice.

If the breakup happened suddenly and on the initiative of a loved one, and the relationship itself is characterized by painful dependence and the need to trust and control the other person, the experience may drag on for more than a year.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

Many people wonder not only how to get over the breakup of a long relationship, but also how long it will take. Everyone is different and experiences this difficult period in their own way. In turn, the intensity and duration of the experience directly depends on a combination of the following factors:

  • type of nervous system;
  • the circumstances surrounding the separation;
  • The desire and efforts that you are making to start life with a clean slate.

It is believed that it takes from several months to a year to fully recover from a breakup. However, if the breakup happened suddenly and at the initiative of a loved one, and the relationship itself is characterized by painful dependence and the need to trust and control the other, the experience may linger for a longer period.

Much easier to survive the parting with a loved one, if both partners found the courage to admit that the relationship has exhausted itself, and to say goodbye to each other expressed gratitude for all the good that was. Of course, this does not mean that people who are able to easily give the other person the desired freedom and part peacefully – robots devoid of human feelings. They just know how to find the resources within themselves that support them in difficult periods of life and experience after parting rather bright sadness than unbearable pain and unwillingness to move on.

Psychologist tips: how to survive the breakup with a loved one?

We have prepared some simple recommendations that will help you quickly put all regrets in the past and feel the joy of life again.

  1. Allow yourself time to grieve, make a kind of mourning for lost relationships and dashed hopes for the future together. Try to come to terms with the irreversible changes in their lives, learn to live on a wave of new energy, without love and support partner, which used to count on for the time spent together.
  2. Out of sight – out of mind. Often after a breakup people try to keep their friendships, believing that this is not a reason to completely remove people from their lives. But do not be fooled! In most cases, former partners agree to a friendship because they can’t bear the thought of a loved one leaving their lives forever. Love under the mask of friendship does not bring happiness, and such friendship will not be real and sincere. Not without reason there is a proverb “out of sight – out of heart”. Much easier to forget a person, if you do not maintain any connection with him. In any case, both partners need time to be apart and set up on an exclusively friendly relationship.
  3. Take care that nothing will remind you of your ex-beloved. It’s useful to unsubscribe from him on social networks, delete correspondence history and reduce communication with mutual friends. Someone gets rid of joint photos and gifts after a breakup. If you don’t have the strength to part with things, put them in a box and hide them away. Also ask mutual friends if possible not to mention your ex-partner in your presence.
  4. Remove from the player all the music that reminds you of the ended relationship. Replace them with uplifting, uplifting tracks that lift your spirits.
  5. Clean up the space. Update the apartment: do a general cleaning, rearrange the furniture, new wallpaper. Clean the outside space – a kind of mental cleansing, after which it will be easier to accept the changes.
  6. Stabilize your emotional state and find the strength to continue to take care of yourself. A regular healthy diet, manicure, walks in the fresh air, physical activity will help keep yourself toned – both physically and emotionally.
  7. Change your image. Experiment with hair color and length, go shopping and treat yourself to beautiful new clothes and shoes, get rid of things you do not like anymore. External influences the internal – it’s a fact, and very soon you will feel better.
  8. Support of the environment. After a breakup, people close to you will try to distract you from the distracting thoughts, to get you out of the house, to occupy you with something interesting. Don’t turn down their help, because having fun with people you love is a great way to feel better.
  9. Find your inner resource. Get away from the victim image and the expectation that someone has to make you happy. Stop looking for love elsewhere, because the main person in your life – yourself. Become a generator of positive emotions for yourself. Find something you like to do, something that will develop you, make you more confident and happier.
  10. Don’t fill your inner void with a succession of new partners. You need to give yourself time to get over the breakup of a loved one and face your inner emptiness. In fear of pain and loneliness, many people skip over this important phase. Unfortunately, going into the arms of a stranger has the opposite effect and the feeling of emptiness only intensifies. Stay in conscious solitude for as long as you need, and devote yourself to the restoration of vitality, self-development.
  11. Analyze the quality of your relationships. Think about what has kept you in a relationship. If it’s children, fear of financial insolvency or loneliness, then, first of all, you need to work on issues of personal maturity, not the return of your partner, and it is desirable to do so under the guidance of a psychologist.
  12. Don’t try to drown out the longing with food, stimulants and alcohol. Not only will this not bring the desired relief, but it will cause serious damage in the form of stress hormones, physiological dependence and overweight. It’s better to set yourself up for the conscious inner work of emotionally ending the relationship and accepting your current state.
  13. If you sincerely need not only love and affection, but the very person (!) of your loved one, then tell him or her openly, without threats or manipulation. Together propose to work through the problems and grievances that have accumulated during your relationship. Seek advice from a marriage counselor. So you’ll at least be able to admit to yourself that you did everything you could. If your partner is categorical in his decision to leave, then you have only to accept his choice and start living your new life separately.

Psychologist’s perspective: how to experience the parting with his beloved

Experiencing the breakup of a love relationship often consists of the same stages as the reaction to the loss of a loved one.

  1. Denial. At such a moment, our consciousness cannot accept the fact of what has happened. We make plans, cherish hope and rub ourselves with the idea that the breakup is not final, the other half will definitely make a step toward reconciliation, and everything will be as before.
  2. Anger. We experience a hidden resentment or openly manifest it. A never-ending stream of accusations or insults poured into the address of the former partner. Often it helps to separate ourselves from the partner, to increase distance. If we do not allow ourselves to feel anger toward the former partner, we often turn the flow of negative emotions on themselves: we blame ourselves for the breakup and convince ourselves that we do not deserve another good relationship.
  3. Bargaining. We begin to bargain with ourselves or our former partner in an attempt to start the relationship over again. As we live through the breakup, we set ourselves a time limit within which we can get our lover back. So our psyche is trying to cope with the breakup and get used to the new situation.
  4. Depression. At some point, there comes the realization that it is time to stop making pointless attempts to deny the breakup. And then a wave of despair, sadness and apathy come over us.
  5. Acceptance. If you give yourself enough time to survive this “mental flu,” painful symptoms gradually fade to zero, followed by an acceptance of the new situation. We then find the strength to move on, and past relationships remain in the past, as if they were a completed chapter in the book of life, followed by new and interesting chapters.

The “Here and Now” Center is often approached due to a breakup with a girlfriend or a man. Our psychologists are eager to help and do everything they can to restore their patients’ peace of mind and balance.

Materials that may be of interest:

Don’t waste time and don’t turn down the support of a professional psychologist if you feel you don’t have the resources to go through this life situation on your own. Make an appointment for an individual consultation with a psychologist in St. Petersburg at the Here and Now Center.

The 3 Stages of Accepting a Breakup: How to Let Go When You’re Still in Love

You can never force anyone to stay. It’s just not the time yet. You just met in the wrong place and the wrong way. Or with the wrong people.

Relationships

This is something none of us are ever ready for. It’s something no one can even imagine. The fact that one day you will have to accept the idea that the person you love will no longer be a part of your life. There won’t be his smile, his voice, his jokes, or that familiar voice in the morning: “Hey, how are you?”

For whatever reason, your relationship is over, and all that’s left today is bitterness, annoyance, and the strange confusion that comes from being on your own again.

Why this happens in life is anyone’s guess. Maybe you loved each other, but interfered with external circumstances. Or maybe you have outgrown each other for so many years. Or your partner has changed and you have not. Or vice versa. Or maybe life itself has changed.

But none of that really matters. You have a bigger task. You have to learn to live with it. And that’s to let go. Letting go while you still love…

Why is that so hard? The fact is that when we let go of someone we thought we’d be with forever, our world changes radically and forever. Our present, our future, everything we thought was predetermined becomes unclear and uncertain.

You will be in pain. Like everyone else who has to let go when you still love. The people you have to break up with will be with you everywhere in the first few weeks. They will be there, no matter what you do or where you go. Everything will remind you of them: the songs you listened to together, the movies you watched together, the places where you drank coffee, the breakfasts you cooked together just recently, the dress they liked so much, and all those little things that are near and understandable only to you.

These people will literally be everywhere. And it will hurt you. Brutal, but true.

What you should do at this point is accept how you feel. Yes, that’s right. Accept your pain. Allow yourself to grieve and be sad. To feel the bitterness of loss fully and completely. Don’t delude yourself, don’t pretend to be happy and serene. Curl up and cry, if that’s what you need right now. Let everything flow through you, like the waves of the ocean. If you want to be quiet and sit alone, don’t deny yourself that.

Unbearably lonely and scared – call! Call your best friends or your mother for the hundredth time. Do not run away from what you feel, and take it and let it pass through you. Emotions will come over you like waves. They will overwhelm you. They will swallow you up when someone says the name of the person you had to break up with out loud in front of you. It will come over you when you accidentally hear a familiar song, read old messages on your phone, or stumble across pictures of you together in an album.

Yes, you will miss the people you had to part with. And there’s no getting away from that. It’s important to remember that life doesn’t end there. That you are not lost in this world. That it is okay to feel pain, misunderstanding, and longing. All of these feelings are necessary for change and growth.

There will be pain. It may be very painful. It is unpleasant, uncomfortable and, frankly, even infuriating. But it’s all temporary. All of this will pass. In time, it will get easier. You’ll get through it all, and you’ll get through it all. No matter how hopeless it seems right now.

You’ll get through it. Like millions of people before you and millions after you. It hurts, it hurts, it’s unpleasant, but it’s temporary. This is what you must remember at this stage of accepting the breakup.

No matter how much you convince yourself that you and your partner were a perfect couple and very suited to each other, that if it were not for circumstances or a ridiculous accident, you would have been together… it is not true. Don’t delude yourself with false illusions. After all, deep down, you can guess that if the relationship ended, it happened for a reason. And it was serious. Very serious. Otherwise, you’d be drinking coffee at your favorite coffee shops today, laughing merrily at the new comedy, and walking happily in the rain. And that’s all gone. And it will never be.

Get over it is very difficult, so you come up with the hundredth time, and the new “…but if only, then. Blaming someone or something. Blaming yourself for the fact that if you were prettier, slimmer, funnier, or more attractive, the breakup wouldn’t have happened.

Whatever story you make up in your head, the truth is really one: It didn’t work out with this man because he didn’t want it to. This is painful to admit and unpleasant, but necessary. The explanation for what happened is very simple. You broke up because this person wanted you to. That’s why.

And now the most important thing: the fact that someone is leaving you does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that you’re not pretty enough, slim enough, funny enough, attractive enough, or whatever else you’ve made yourself out to be. And it doesn’t mean that you weren’t worthy of love at all. It merely indicates that your relationship was bad, fake or accidental for some reason (and often completely unrelated to you).

There can be many reasons for the “why. Sometimes, for example, people met too soon – when one or both of them are not ready for a serious commitment. Sometimes someone just isn’t ready to change their life and future for a relationship. And that’s all normal. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s just that these people have plans and dreams and things that they can’t (or don’t yet know how to) share with others. They have to go it alone. And it’s no one’s fault, much less yours.

You can be resentful of those who choose to break up. You can even swear and stomp your feet in indignation. But it is all in vain. You can’t resent or blame a person for still looking for themselves in the world. That he has not yet fully understood himself and what he truly wants. You can’t blame him for not being ready for a relationship or for realizing that you’re not his soul mate. Because that’s childish. In adulthood, things can be confusing and unclear. We are all going down this road for the first time, we are all learning and discovering ourselves all over again.

Maybe they love you, but they feel they can’t appreciate and return the favor. Even if you’re determined to love for two. Even if you’ve decided you can do it alone. No, you can’t. A relationship is a two-way street, and if one of the people involved can’t or isn’t ready, it won’t work. It’s possible that you’re not ready, but you don’t realize it. Anything can happen.

One thing is clear: you can never force anyone to stay. It’s just not the time yet. You just met in the wrong place, in the wrong way. Or with the wrong people.

Why are you drawn to someone who wants to leave? Why are you so stubbornly holding on to something that isn’t there and not letting it go? Why are you so eager to literally make someone love you? Why have you decided that life without these people will be so much worse or make no sense at all? Why are you willing to accept such half-hearted love and not realize that you deserve more? There is an explanation for all of this. But it takes time to understand it.

You have to understand yourself. Understand yourself. Examine it. Learn a much-needed life lesson. It won’t happen today or tomorrow. But one day, it will all unfold like the palm of your hand. Just give yourself time to learn this lesson.

Healing

So your relationship is over. You’ve persevered through the bitterness of loss, you’ve learned the necessary lesson, so what’s next? And then for some reason you start to regret that you even loved that person. That you tried to build a relationship with him, even though everything was clear from the start. That it wasn’t worth it.

Stop it! The fact that the relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. It was. All the things you’ve been through together. You tried, and that means a lot. Things like that are never in vain and don’t go away. Love is worth the effort. Even if you still lose.

Believe me, it wasn’t for nothing. And in time, you’ll realize that. The memories that cause so much pain today will no longer be bitter, and you will look at everything with completely different eyes. You will look back and realize that the time we spent together was nothing less than a gift from fate. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be where you are now, and you wouldn’t be who you are today. So it was worth it.

In time, you will realize one very important thing: Everything that happened was meant to happen. Yes, it was over very soon, and it was painful, but it was!

You will learn to understand that sometimes even the most fabulous love stories come to an end – whether they lasted three months, three years or 30 years. You’ll understand that it’s through breakups that we discover the real us, discover what and who we want. And this is very important.

You see, we also need breakups for something. It’s just vital.

Perhaps this love story was necessary for you to discover something new about yourself. Something hidden and invisible that you didn’t even know you had. Something you were afraid to admit even to yourself.

Maybe the person you are no longer taught you how to stand up for yourself. Say out loud what he wants and needs, instead of waiting for his partner to “read his mind.” Maybe this breakup helped you to change, to become better, wiser, stronger.

Or maybe it taught you to love and accept yourself. Just the way you are, unique and unrepeatable. And all this so that one day you will meet someone who will appreciate you and love you with all his heart. Someone who today is looking for on Earth exactly what you will become soon. Someone who will become for you not just another life lesson, but true Love. Someone who is ready for it. Someone who will stay. Forever.

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