How to get over a relationship breakup: 13 tips from a psychologist
The author of the article: Naumenko Alexandra Igorevna Family psychologist, child psychologist. Practical experience: 8 years.
We want to love and be loved, we want to create a happy and strong family, to live in abundance and prosperity. But before we find an ideal life partner, many of us are destined to go through a series of partings. Some people take it as a beginning of a new stage in life and find strength to move forward, but for some people the rupture with a loved one is comparable to a serious loss.
Everything will pass…
Of course, time heals even the deepest wounds. But in the present moment it seems that it is impossible to go on living, because the brain is absorbed by the memories of the past, and feelings towards the former partner are still as strong. As a result, we withdraw into ourselves, refuse to communicate with loved ones, given into the power of negative thoughts and anxious expectations, and sink into a depressed emotional state.
Although now you do not understand how to go on after a breakup, but sooner or later the emotional pain will pass. The main thing – do not give up and do everything possible to ensure that this condition does not lead to a prolonged depression and do not impose a mark on future relationships. Life is not over, there are a lot of interesting things ahead of you, and new, no less happy relationships – including.
If you do not have independently survive the pain of loss, we strongly recommend enlisting the support of a psychologist. When you break up this is the right decision. Or at least take advantage of his advice.
If the breakup happened suddenly and on the initiative of a loved one, and the relationship itself is characterized by painful dependence and the need to trust and control the other person, the experience may drag on for more than a year.
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
Many people wonder not only how to get over the breakup of a long relationship, but also how long it will take. Everyone is different and experiences this difficult period in their own way. In turn, the intensity and duration of the experience directly depends on a combination of the following factors:
- type of nervous system;
- the circumstances surrounding the separation;
- The desire and efforts that you are making to start life with a clean slate.
It is believed that it takes from several months to a year to fully recover from a breakup. However, if the breakup happened suddenly and at the initiative of the loved one, and the relationship itself was characterized by painful dependence and the need to custody and control of the other, then the experience may linger for a longer period.
It is much easier to go through a breakup with a loved one if both partners find the courage to admit that the relationship has exhausted itself, and to say goodbye to each other to express gratitude for all the good things that have happened. Of course, this does not mean that people who are able to easily give the other person the desired freedom and part peacefully – robots devoid of human feelings. They just know how to find the resources within themselves that support them in difficult periods of life and experience after parting rather bright sadness than unbearable pain and unwillingness to move on.
Psychologist tips: how to survive the parting with a loved one?
We have prepared for you some simple recommendations that will help you quickly leave all the regrets in the past and once again feel the joy of life.
- Give yourself time to mourn, arrange a kind of mourning for the lost relationship and broken hopes for the future together. Try to come to terms with the irreversible changes in their lives, learn to live on a wave of new energy, without love and support partner, which used to count on for the time spent together.
- Out of sight – out of mind. Often after a breakup, people try to keep their friendships, believing that this is not a reason to completely remove the person from their lives. But do not be fooled! In most cases, former partners agree to be friends because they can’t bear the thought of a loved one leaving their lives forever. Love under the mask of friendship does not bring happiness, and such friendship will not be real and sincere. Not without reason there is a saying “out of sight – out of heart”. Much easier to forget a person, if you do not maintain any connection with him. In any case, both partners need time to be apart and set up on an exclusively friendly relationship.
- Take care that nothing will remind you of your ex-beloved. It’s useful to unsubscribe from him on social networks, delete correspondence history and reduce communication with mutual friends. Someone gets rid of joint photos and gifts after a breakup. If you don’t have the strength to part with things, put them in a box and hide them away. Also ask mutual friends if possible not to mention your ex-partner in your presence.
- Remove from the player all the music that reminds you of the ended relationship. Replace them with uplifting, uplifting tracks that lift your spirits.
- Clean up the space. Update the apartment: do a general cleaning, rearrange the furniture, new wallpaper. Clean the outside space – a kind of mental cleansing, after which it will be easier to accept the changes.
- Stabilize your emotional state and find the strength to continue to take care of yourself. A regular healthy diet, manicure, walks in the fresh air, physical activity will help keep yourself toned – both physically and emotionally.
- Change your image. Experiment with hair color and length, go shopping and treat yourself to beautiful new clothes and shoes, get rid of things you do not like anymore. External influences the internal – it’s a fact, and very soon you will feel better.
- Support of the environment. After a breakup, people close to you will try to distract you from the distracting thoughts, to get you out of the house, to occupy you with something interesting. Don’t refuse their help, because having fun with people you love is a great way to feel better.
- Find your inner resource. Get away from the image of a victim and the expectation that someone has to make you happy. Stop looking for love elsewhere, because the main person in your life is yourself. Become a generator of positive emotions for yourself. Find something you like to do, and what will develop you, make you more confident and happier.
- Do not fill the inner void with a succession of new partners. You need to give yourself time to get over the parting with a loved one and meet your inner emptiness. In fear of pain and loneliness, many people skip over this important phase. Unfortunately, going into the arms of a stranger has the opposite effect and the feeling of emptiness only intensifies. Stay in conscious solitude for as long as you need, and devote yourself to the restoration of vitality, self-development.
- Analyze the quality of your relationships. Think about what has kept you in a relationship. If it’s children, fear of financial insolvency or loneliness, then, first of all, you need to work on issues of personal maturity, not the return of your partner, and it is desirable to do so under the guidance of a psychologist.
- Don’t try to drown out the longing with food, stimulants and alcohol. Not only will this not bring the desired relief, but it will cause serious damage in the form of stress hormones, physiological dependence and overweight. It’s better to set yourself up for the conscious inner work of emotionally ending the relationship and accepting your current state.
- If you sincerely need not only love and affection, but the very person (!) of your loved one, then tell him or her openly, without threats or manipulation. Together propose to work through the problems and grievances that have accumulated during your relationship. Seek advice from a marriage counselor. So you’ll at least be able to admit to yourself that you did everything you could. If your partner is categorical in his decision to leave, then you have only to accept his choice and start living your new life separately.
Psychologist’s perspective: how to experience the parting with his beloved
Experiencing the breakup of a love relationship often consists of the same stages as the reaction to the loss of a loved one.
- Denial. At such a moment, our consciousness cannot accept the fact of what has happened. We make plans, cherish hope and rub ourselves with the idea that the breakup is not final, the other half will definitely make a step toward reconciliation, and everything will be as before.
- Anger. We experience a hidden resentment or openly manifest it. A never-ending stream of accusations or insults poured into the address of the former partner. Often it helps to separate ourselves from the partner, to increase distance. If we do not allow ourselves to feel anger toward the former partner, we often turn the flow of negative emotions on themselves: we blame ourselves for the breakup and convince ourselves that we do not deserve another good relationship.
- Bargaining. We begin to bargain with ourselves or our former partner in an attempt to start the relationship over again. As we live through the breakup, we set ourselves a time limit within which we can get our lover back. So our psyche is trying to cope with the breakup and get used to the new situation.
- Depression. At some point, there comes the realization that it is time to stop making pointless attempts to deny the breakup. And that’s when despair, sadness, and apathy come over us in a wave.
- Acceptance. If we give ourselves enough time to experience this “mental flu,” the painful symptoms gradually fade away, followed by an acceptance of the new situation. We then find the strength to move on, and the past relationships remain in the past, as if they were a completed chapter in the book of life, followed by new and interesting chapters.
People often come to the Center “Here and Now” because of a breakup with a man or woman. Our psychologists are eager to help and do everything in their power to restore peace of mind and balance to their patients.
Materials that may be of interest:
Don’t waste time and don’t turn down the support of a professional psychologist if you feel you don’t have the resources to go through this life situation on your own. Make an appointment for an individual counseling session with a psychologist in St. Petersburg at the Here and Now Center.
How to survive a breakup with a loved one. Let’s support each other.
Hi all, girls, I know that such topics have already been, are and will be. The topic is trite, but nevertheless I feel so bad that I am looking for any opportunity to find at least some support. I am breaking up with my boyfriend… And the situation is such that we are still living in one apartment, but we are no longer together, he has nowhere to go, we are waiting for his wages so he can rent an apartment, I hope it will be this weekend or Monday… And I do not know what is worse, to live and see his indifference or to leave him forever, both of them are killing me. I will tell you my story, we had a very good relationship, but also very difficult, there were constantly some kind of obscure conflicts, but we liked each other very much, we made joint plans for the future, we thought about children, about his house, and the man completely satisfied me as a husband, always did what I ask, always discussed everything, did not strain with domestic.oboznaniyami, the money in general, nothing refused. In general, there was love, there were plans, there was almost a family, but there were constant conflicts. Now I know that of course he is not completely indifferent to me, it is impossible to be indifferent to those whom he loved and with whom he lived for 1.5 years, but from the past nothing has remained, and it is just unbearable to see. It feels like I am slowly dying. Girls, if someone is going through something similar, or happened when or recently, let’s communicate, support each other, because otherwise it is unbearable to live like this …
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I am so jealous of those who live a married life and do not worry about anything, so tired of these troubles in his personal life.
You know, it’s not that simple. You are too dissolved in your man. Try to understand that everyone breaks up in his life – some earlier, some later. Everyone was abandoned and almost everyone suffered. Suffering is an unwillingness inside to accept what happened. But in our life only what happens is better for the human soul, and, therefore, for you, it is better to break up. You have lost yourself as a person.You have become totally dependent on the presence of your man.You get a lot of energy from him, and gave him little in return.A person always feels discomfort when it happens.Accept it in the soul you will immediately feel better.Let him go.If a man loves you want a part for him, right? So if he wants to leave, it means that it is better for him. The expression of love from your side will be – to let him go quietly, wishing him happiness. It never happens so that one door closes and the other does not open. Someone new will come into your life for sure, do not cling to the old, outdated, so you only delay the opportunity to appear in your life something new, much more interesting. Until you do not let him go in your heart you will suffer. pray to god to help you through the separation and help will be sure. everything will be fine.
Sweet Toffee, admit to yourself honestly that you need this man in order to feel “married”. This is indicated by your reference, that you don’t want to start hanging out, looking again, etc. That’s the root of it, you don’t need HIM and it’s a habit that will fade away over time. Give him and SEE a chance to be happy in the first place. Don’t cling to anything, if it is YOURSELF, it will come back and change, no – the sooner you let him go, the sooner you will arrange your life too! And stop obsessing over men! One – not one, what’s the difference? You have a LIFE, you’re young, healthy, and the world does not fit in your personal life! Find yourself a hobby for your soul, as soon as you become interested in yourself, you will be interested in the people around you. Cheer up!, Life is much more versatile than you draw it to yourself:).
Parting is always hard, probably even when you yourself initiate the parting. Personally, I rarely have the desire to communicate further, probably out of fear of feeling pain. Right now I’m also in the breakup phase with a man who was just a lifelong dream of mine, and the lust to possess him has begun to override all other feelings. Still in my heart I haven’t let him go yet, but in my life I’m already dating another man who loves me for a long time. And you know, it was only with him (without reciprocity, without burning desire) that I felt what it means to be a weak and fragile woman under the care of a strong, generous, and able to wait for a man. I am glad I have him, and I have already thanked God 153 times for giving him to me. Even if only for a while, although I don’t mind marrying him. I think any woman is worthy of such a gift from life, the main thing is to be able to accept it (instead of the one I wanted to keep). I wish you happiness))).
7: Oh yes, I totally agree. to feel like a woman and a man is 100 times better than to run after him, humiliating yourself and begging for something
And then, the world did not come to an end with men, but how without them? I want to feel someone’s warmth, affection, just sex, I cannot do without it for a long time. No one and nothing can replace it, no girlfriends, no bars, no favorite pastime (though I would like to find it, I can’t even imagine what you can get so involved in).
Well, honey… there is a whole philosophy here, you should read the corresponding books. you cannot tell it on the forum. why to live without love – I have experienced it myself. it loses its meaning, I agree. the main thing here is to set the parting and to start a new life without him.
Moreover, no one can replace HIM! But you cannot stop life, everything will pass.
And it is not only bad when he leaves, but as if a part of your body was torn off without anesthesia! you have to talk yourself, I do not know, somehow set up. it is hard, I agree, you have to be strong. they say that what has not killed us, made us stronger.
Butterscotch, understand that you can love good wine and enjoy the taste periodically for your own pleasure, and you can overdo it, become an alcoholic and AGREE to drink all kinds of crap! It’s the same in relationships – savor them, enjoy them, but don’t let them lead you into uncontrollable addiction. And no one will ever be interested in you if you’re not interested in yourself. In the meantime, you are. You have been given life by God, it is a gift and you are in this world for a reason. though if you like to think that you are only here to pick on someone, then. pity you simply. Until you fundamentally change your thinking, this will happen to you every time. Not with this one, but with the next one. Read books, study yourself and the people around you, and you’ll be fine
Above said that all sooner or later break up, but it is not so, after all, families live together for many years, I observe it at least at work, of course, I can not be known as there and that, but they live because. According to my observations, not all people suffer from relationship problems or breakups, I can not understand what it depends on.
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How to get over a breakup with a loved one.
Iriska, I have lived through a divorce after seven years of marriage. It hurts a lot, he is one of my relatives, we ate from the same plate and have lived so long :(((( But I try to hang in there, I do not know what will happen next. I do not know what will happen next. We are still living together but every day could be the last. I love him, I have forgiven him a lot, I have always supported him, and I ran out of strength…I can no longer carry on the whole relationship. I want a man strong and real, so that I can finally relax and live my life to my satisfaction
I’m 23, but I’m not going to grab the first guy I see
Larika, you yourself no longer have love for him?
To 26: That’s what I wanted to emphasize. You are not self-sufficient. You are sure that to be happy you must have “someone”. That’s not true:)
31-32: Ohhhhhh! He’s already calm, and you’re in pain. He’s alive and well and you don’t want him to be. He can and wants to live WITHOUT YOU and you don’t (yet:)) He is self-sufficient and you are dependent. Learn to live, or you will become a rag that everyone in your life will wipe their feet on!
Apparently this is not the season for breakups, there is no one who has had something similar (
I have a similar situation. we are not communicating for the third day… I don’t know what will happen next… but these days I have looked around and seen the world around me. my work has become interesting, someone has met me in the metro, men stare at me… I started to wear makeup in a human way. in general I have a usual normal life… as before. If I start to remember how the only thing I wanted all day was to feel the smell of his skin, to get close to him. all these moments, it becomes very pathetic, as if gone something that can never come back. I try not to think about it, now it’s like fog in my head
I’m reading you…I’m in the same situation. Yesterday I provoked him to break up. For a month I suspected that something was wrong, he has somehow changed, although it is not immediately clear how. I realized that he pulls and does not know how to tell, but most likely the breakup is inevitable, and helped him. Yesterday I hinted that I do not intend to wait long, like the place is not empty. To which he said: have fun. That’s it, one word, but I’m still in shock. We were together for over a year … so bad … but I will survive, I hope.
I have a very similar story (the same crazy love, a year lived together, conflicts, and separation), only he has somewhere to go, his there (mother, grandmother) waiting with open arms, and I am from this even harder. And we cannot live without each other and together we cannot (it is the opinion of both). what to do we do not know. Wanna hear men’s opinions on how to behave in a situation like this, if anyone has been similar. About the exchange of energies agree, except that the author has not given advice on what to do.
And also how to understand that the man finally decided what what, and just do not say (or he said confidently, or change his mind over time) so as not to hurt
I got over it, I now do not believe in someone, I thought I would stop at this option. I don’t know who I want and what kind of person I could fully accept, I need to do something about myself and this intransigence with flaws. **** Of course we can live apart, I will not die from it, but it kills me that there was such a relationship and such feelings, and now the result is almost hatred, I can not get used to the idea that this is the same person who wanted to live with me all my life and the one who does not even care that we live in the same apartment, although not together anymore.
58, you were just dating?
59, I’m happy for you
Thanks Anna, I wish he would leave sooner, and he still can not find an apartment, I hope it will all come together today-tomorrow with the options that are already there, and the worst thing is that he does not care, communicates with me as if nothing had happened, as with an old friend, so what if we live together, although we split up ((((
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Eh, and there is no one, and I sit like a fool and can not calm down (((
Butterscotch, you can not settle down now. In a month it will be better. In the meantime, be patient.
Butterscotch, hang in there. I can’t imagine going through this either. One last hug, one last kiss, closing the door behind him for the last time. And we are together for 8 years. and married, it hurts so much, how to live without him I do not know. I have asked for support n etom forum, but got the answers – time leisit, fall in love with another, pull yourself together. i can not, I just can not. I wanted to say goodbye to him on Saturday. I could not, I procrastinate. I have a hard time because he talks about love and the need to keep the family, and I can not, he is very cruel to me, I love him madly, but with him no life. I cry all the time. There you go.
Hang in there, honey, I just called my husband again and found him rude for nothing. I do not even want to go home. I also read books and do not know what they are about, listen to music and I cannot remember what I listened to all day. It hurts very, very much. I know it is possible to get over it and live on, but I do not know how.
It’s been two months now. Oh God, it’s been so long. M.C., share.
I’m not talking about me right now. Two months on the toilet. But if you think about it, then 2.3 times easier for sure…So let’s consider it helped.
It has not affected me in a good way, as I see every day indifference and compare what was with what is now.
Fortunately, at that time I had a lot of friends with whom I could distract myself from these thoughts. I also spent a lot of time on the Internet. I read here on the forum who wrote about the breakup. And I was horrified. Everywhere the same thing! I’m not the only one. And I got even more scared when I read that some girls could not come to their senses for a year or two or even more after breaking up. I got scared for myself. I just couldn’t afford the luxury of killing precious time in my life by pining after some dick, sorry, who didn’t give a shit.
I gave myself a deadline of two months tops. But it went away much sooner than that. The last step was to delete everything from my life that reminded me of him, erase all the texts, photos from my phone. I did that after a month. Because it was unbearable to open the phone and see the presence of his texts there. I should have done it earlier. After that it was much better. there was a feeling of freedom. So I let him go.
There’s this book by Norwood Robin, “Should I be a Love Slave? “Girls, if you can’t handle it, download it. It’s on the Internet. And read it. It opened my eyes to a lot of things. I have written here a lot in the hope of helping anyone
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All this is understandable, but so do not want to give up. even if the pain… after all, the pain for him, and he is not a stranger yet
107, it’s a natural process. Just treat it as a disease. It takes time, patience and strength to heal. I agree, you need this pain now more than ever. It’s cleansing, it’s letting go. But don’t get carried away. Set yourself a deadline, find a desire to become yourself again soon, a desire to feel a new taste in life.
We ended it last week, too (I wrote about it under 60). I immediately erased all of his data – I do not have any of his numbers, no text messages, no e-mail address…It helps a little, I mean, then you know exactly, and gradually you get used to the idea…if I had kept his data, there would still be hope, but it is so excruciatingly painful. I’m trying to myself every day: I will not see him again, and every day at least a little, but I can distract myself with some other thoughts… I also need to communicate more with other people, then there is no time for hard thoughts… the worst thing is to be alone with yourself…
Hello, “sufferers”:) Butterscotch, I strongly recommend that you think about yourself! I personally, I have myself alone, and I did not find myself in a dumpster, to allow myself to be treated this way:) I have had a normal flight for 3 weeks now:))) – I mean, my husband lives out of our house. God, I just imagine that he’s back in my cozy, clean house. brr-r-r:)) Yesterday, he started whining with text messages. But I turned off the phone and fell asleep sweetly:). Let him go, my dear Butterscotch, do not give him the opportunity to enjoy your loss. Take life easy – I applaud:)
Girls. Give Yourself a chance to be happy, why are you so eager to get into misery? And your suffering won’t end until you end it yourself, understand! Everything is in your hands and heads!)
Yes, swamly_know, agreed, but it is so difficult to find this sparkle in yourself! but I try not to lose heart…well, there are many other things to do, it distracts…just need some more time to come to the final realization that everything, everything, everything…
Thank you, good words… you are very right, especially about self-destruction… I will repeat your words to myself as a mantra, about enjoying myself and so on, it should come to my consciousness at last! I wish you also strength and creative love!
I’ve been there, you’re good!
Well, yes, to break up with someone you love like that, to know that he is indifferent to you now, that he has his own life. Just now he was sending you a link to that house to take, making repairs in the apartment, playing with our cat, etc., etc. And as soon as he left – you immediately blossomed, so many new, interesting, the hell with it, with these two years, thrown away for who knows what, I love myself )))) In any case, to realize it all and get over it takes time. I think it depends on what kind of relationship, if your husband pissed you off, you godspeed to enjoy life now, when he’s not around. And if it was good with a man? Then you need time to let him go. I still do not understand what, like everything is solved, but all his things in place, I do not intend to collect them, now in addition to all of this, we had an even bigger fight and do not talk, at my e-mail with a calm text to get him to hurry things and leave me soon, he did not answer. I have an unfinished breakup. What happens after, I think it will still be bad. And what is bad is that I am suffering from injustice, meanness, betrayal, my brain does not understand how it can be. At the same time I remember good moments, such as when we met and hugged each other when he / I came home. Eh And in general it is so strange, then it rolls up a longing, then lets go for a while. Now again, I do not know how to behave, a quiet letter is written – no response, to humiliate and call quite out of place, although on the other hand of course there is a version that he, for example, at the site, not in the office, and stupid letter did not see, but it does not know. Wait until tomorrow? But I can not see all these things that remind him of the fact that he once lived here, with me do not know what to do in general.