Stages of Breakup in Men
Men suffer through breakups just as much as women do. Just ladies do not like to contain their emotions and are ready to tell the whole world about their suffering. And the stronger sex is secretive. Going through a breakup, a man shows others a good mood, showing how he can easily cope with such small things.
Most ostensible optimists actually experience serious emotional problems: depressed, drinking, starting to lead an immoral life or just quietly suffering.
But to everyone around them, they are still “all right.
How a man goes through a breakup if he is the initiator.
A man worries, even if he himself has left the girl. The range of emotions is extensive – from grief to mental emptiness. Most often these feelings are experienced:
- The desire to show his ex that everything in life is fine without her. New romances are a way to achieve this goal. They help to weaken an unnecessary emotional connection and to rub the dumped lady’s nose in it.
- The desire to control – after a breakup, many men believe that it is necessary to “look after” the ex and begin to spy on social networks. If the girl finds a new lover, the ex feels anger or rage because of it.
- In any case, after the end of a long relationship, a man misses. He misses the usual things that made his life comfortable and cozy. To distract from negative thoughts, a man concentrates his attention on something else: work, a hobby, a new novel.
- It happens that after a divorce, husbands are filled with joy. Finally, the long-awaited freedom. At first, the eye catches only the pluses of a newfound bachelor life – you can do anything and no one to account for. But after a few weeks awakens a longing for the past, which grows stronger every day.
How does a man goes through a breakup?
The stages of the male experience
When a man gets dumped, it hurts. But everyone experiences pain differently. So it would be wrong to cut everyone into one basket.
Much depends on the nature of the man, his environment and life circumstances.
Some people cope with the situation relatively calmly and quickly. Others it torments for years, leaving psychological trauma and scars on the heart.
For most men, you can identify common points in the form of four stages of separation:
- Denial – what is happening seems like a joke, a misunderstanding, or another lousy test. The beloved is about to come to her senses and call back.
- Anger. When the seriousness of the situation reaches the man, anger begins to take hold of him. The abandoned husband wonders how it was possible to commit such a heinous betrayal. In contrast to grief, the strong sex usually does not hold back anger. A bucket of verbal filth is poured out to the ex. General acquaintances are immediately informed of what a bitch she is – such a man offended! The man does the nasty things deliberately, because he doesn’t want to suffer alone.
- Hope – the guy already seems to have come to terms with the situation. But the slightest reason, or even a memory can return him to the stage of denial, only more meaningful. Now the man will not sit and wait until the issue resolves itself. He will take matters into his own hands and conduct a special operation to return his beloved.
- Depression – When the plan fails and hope is finally lost, the worst thing begins – the realization that nothing can be brought back. At this stage men revel in their grief and have no idea what to do next.
Then comes the ramification. Psychologically stable individuals move on to the next stage – a new life. They continue to grieve, the grief doesn’t go away overnight.
Gradually grief is supplanted by other emotions gained from new acquaintances, travel, and career successes.
One day a man catches himself thinking that the pain is gone.
For some men, coping with grief is more difficult. Sometimes it takes a long time, up to several decades. Others are even less lucky – they are stuck in depression, devoting a lifetime of suffering about former love. In such neglected cases, two things can correct the situation: the help of a psychologist and a miracle.
The stages of male experience after a breakup
How is the male experience of the breakup differ from that of women?
The main difference lies in the discrepancy between feelings and the time of their experience. At first, women are suffering while men convince themselves and those around them that everything is fine. Then women’s grief slowly subsides, and men’s grief begins to intensify. And finally, after a few months, the situation makes a 180-degree turn: the man suffers, and the woman realizes the beauty of new-found freedom.
Another difference between the sexes – the intensity of the desire to hurt the former partner. In men, this desire is usually more intense.
In general, the range of feelings in all people is about the same, with the exception of rare exceptions. The rupture of a long relationship is perceived very painfully by representatives of both sexes.
What a guy should do after a painful breakup: 8 steps to peace of mind
Breaking up with someone always sucks. Especially if you still love that person. But nothing lasts forever on this earth, and when a relationship ends, you have to accept it.
Easier said than done, but below are a few tips from the experts that are sure to help you feel better after a while.
1 Acknowledge your pain
“The first step to moving on is to admit that you’re hurting,” says Gigi Engle, a relationship expert and author of “All the Fucking Mistakes. – You can’t let go of your sadness if you don’t acknowledge that it’s there at all. By suppressing the pain, you don’t make it go away, you drive it inside you, leaving it to fester . It can end up triggering an emotional explosion.”
Yes, it can be difficult because of patriarchal stereotypes associated with “non-male” behavior: since childhood, boys have been forced to think that being in touch with their feelings and talking about them is akin to showing weakness. Nevertheless, it’s important to work through this moment and re-learn how to feel, because ignoring and suppressing emotions can be dangerous to your health.
To move on after a breakup, you need to acknowledge your sadness. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been in a relationship for three years or three months. We always want to be loved. It always hurts us to lose loved ones. And it’s unbearable when something that was dear to us is taken from us.
Acknowledge this fact, and you can begin to move on.
2 Write down your feelings.
Psychologist and relationship expert Gary Lewandowski advises you to try writing (yes, exactly writing) why it ended, what exactly you both did wrong, and what you will never do together again.
Take 30 minutes a day to do this exercise and try to look for the positive aspects of your breakup, such as freedom from commitment in the present moment and the understanding that you will consider past mistakes in your future relationships.
Lewandowski found that people who engaged in such positive reflective writing felt calmer, more confident and stronger than those who focused on negativity.
3 Don’t go through a breakup alone.
The stereotypes that permeate our society may keep you from asking for help, but isolation can make you feel even more alone.
“If we have emotions, we’re not ‘cool’ anymore, right? We’re not ‘cool and fun’ if we’re sad. But it’s a destructive and depressing way to think about relationships and yourself,” Engle says, “Acknowledging that you have feelings is a sign of much more maturity.
Talk to your friends about how you’re feeling, and they can offer you support. Just be careful not to let it escalate into constant talk about your ex.
And if you think you need to talk to someone less biased about your previous relationships and how they ended so you can prevent the same patterns from happening again, try seeing a psychologist. This doesn’t mean you’re weak: on the contrary, it shows your real strength and desire to improve the quality of your life.
4 Take the breakup as a lesson
As cliché as it sounds, you’ll eventually learn a lot from this heartache, even if you don’t feel that way right now. And when you eventually start meeting girls again, you’ll have a clearer idea of the kind of relationship you’re looking for, and you might want to change your behavioral strategy.
“Don’t boil in a cauldron of regrets, lamenting what a waste of time this relationship was. Nothing is a waste of time,” Engle asserts, “We are the culmination of our many, confusing, sometimes tragic and disastrous, and sometimes wonderful and fabulous experiences. People are walking baggage, and every single piece of baggage is a practice to become a better version of ourselves.” .
5 Go easy on the drinking and partying
You might think that raucous fun would be good for your overall well-being in this state. Alas, it isn’t.
“When we’re sad, sometimes drinking and partying does help us feel better-but only temporarily,” Engle explains, “Getting drunk, having casual sex with strangers and making other reckless decisions makes us feel alive in the moment, but in the end it can delay the healing process, and you may feel even sadder than before. You should allow yourself to grieve the breakup like you would any other loss. Instead of drowning out the pain, face it.”
6 Go Outside.
A study by Dutch scientist Rutgers found that the effects of a romantic breakup can be a lot like giving up cocaine. According to Lewandowski, you need to give yourself time to “clear your mind.”
Spend more time outdoors: walk more, go for walks in the park, play active sports or go camping. In a Finnish survey, people who vacationed in nature reported better emotional well-being.
7 After a while, try to start dating again
There’s no universal magic formula for how long it should take to get over a breakup: it’s an individual indicator. But when you feel ready to go on a date again, don’t rant about your ex with a new potential partner.
“We know that looking for other partners is helpful,” Lewandowski says. – There’s no one hundred percent solution that works for everyone. But here’s some scientific evidence in your favor: seven or eight times out of ten, finding a new, meaningful relationship will help you overcome your previous ones.”
8 Don’t try to make friends with your ex right away
To get over your ex, you need to maintain an emotional distance from her. Ann Gilbert, M.D., a psychiatrist and behavioral health specialist at Indiana University, says the smartest step is to stop talking to her, but if you have children in common, that option won’t work.
“In that case, start treating your ex as a pleasant roommate,” Gilbert suggests. – Do your best to set a boundary and be emotionally detached. Let your conversations be businesslike and brief, don’t react to negativity from your ex-lover.”
According to Gilbert, you might consider reviving the friendship between the two of you later.
“I’ve seen plenty of divorces where women then say, ‘One of my best friends is my ex-husband,'” Gilbert says. – But it’s going to happen after a while. You have to set some rules together first, because someone always feels stronger than the other. When you heal a little bit, you can loosen the boundaries.”