10 tips on how to stop yelling at your child
Sometimes even the most loving parents lose their temper. Many moms and dads raise their voices because they are “programmed” to yell, and so were their parents. Some only allow themselves to yell at a child when they are very upset or angry. Think about the fact that yelling hurts the child’s self-esteem and self-respect, and instantly destroys the emotional connection between you.
When parents yell, children are frightened. They perceive the scream as an attack, so they either rush into action (snapping and yelling at us) or run away, trying physically or emotionally to get away from the scream.
Children learn to communicate by imitating the way we do things. If we intentionally yell at a child to get them to do what we want them to do, it is called bullying. And children learn to yell at others to get them to do what we want. If adults yell at a child unintentionally, it means that they have lost control over themselves. And the child understands that yelling at others is a perfectly acceptable way of coping with his or her bad mood.
The problem of yelling can be eliminated and the emotional damage it causes can be reduced.
Tell your child that you will try to cope with yourself to stop yelling at him and ask for help in doing so. Give him permission to interrupt you when you start yelling. Suggest a kind of pantomime – clasping your ears with your palms. In addition, you can interrupt the yelling by saying, “You are yelling at me, and this is unpleasant for me,” or “Please talk to me calmly, because you love me.
Respond to this reminder by resorting to “rewind, adjust, and restart,” for example:
“Thanks for the reminder, I forgot about it because I was upset.”
Adjustment. “Sorry, you don’t deserve to be yelled at. What you did wasn’t good, but you shouldn’t be yelled at either.”
Restart. “Let’s start over. I’m upset because you don’t agree with me.”
Our allowing children to be reminded not to yell:
Gives them the strength to protect themselves from yelling without getting into a fight (not fleeing);
Protects their sense of self-worth because it lets them know they don’t deserve to be treated that way;
Strengthens bonding because we show respect for their needs and feelings.
Here are some effective tips from parents on how to stop yelling at your child:
If possible, give yourself at least an hour a day: indulge in a face mask, reading, a favorite hobby. In general, pay attention to yourself-love, it calms and brings back joy.
One of my acquaintances, instead of yelling or cursing, says in a raspy voice: “What-oh-what’s that?” Without raising his voice.
And he speaks out and doesn’t make any noise.
If you can’t help but call your child names, at least keep the “fool” and “dummy” to yourself. Think up a swear word of your own. For example, tell him, “Wow, a mullet konopulka! Still you can, instead of raising your voice at the child, make a mug or pantomime. You can, being angry, growl or grunt… In general, the best remedy for anger is humor!
It’s all about Mom’s well-being
A happy mom is a good mom. Sometimes you have to speak in a stern voice. But the main thing that the child knows that his mother loves him. Every night before going to bed, tell him so, stroke, hug and kiss him. Then strict situations, such as turning the knobs on the stove or something similar are perceived only as individual situations when Mom is strict, and not a trend in behavior. That’s the way it is with me.
I watched another mom myself get angry at her daughter who was acting up, and instead of yelling at her, she chased after her with an exaggeratedly fierce look, saying, “I’m going to get you!” The daughter ran, her mother followed her, and somehow the difficult situation imperceptibly turned into a game.
Try instead of yelling at the child, growl or howl… This will allow you to not say mean things about your baby, things that you will regret when you cool down later.
Children of any age, even babies, need to talk about their mood and condition. Be sure to tell them that you are in a bad mood or that you are tired. They will understand everything and the fact that it may be followed by screaming or something like that will go much easier for the child.
I think it’s okay to yell, but there shouldn’t be hatred and aggression in your voice, that’s what scares and hurts deeply…
If you scold a child, it is important to talk about his bad behavior, deeds, but not to change the personality, not to humiliate… You should always remember and emphasize this in a conversation with your child, that he himself is good, but he behaved badly, ugly, etc. Don’t put labels on it!
Most adults know how to restrain themselves when they need to. For example, you hold back when talking to your boss for fear of losing your job… With children, unfortunately, we are not ceremonious. Maybe we can learn to resolve conflicts with children constructively for fear of losing their respect and love for us, for fear of permanently destroying the trusting relationship between us with one evil word…
More articles on parenting
Hello, I also sometimes yell at my baby and can even slap him on the back, and he is only 9 months old, 24/7 alone with him, probably so, although I am not looking for excuses I understand that it is impossible, I apologize, but how to eradicate it in myself, I do not know
Valentina, it is very hard to raise a baby alone. You are tired, and you need to give yourself a break, no matter how hard it is. Resources of love also depleted, we are not iron. Try to replenish them, to rest when possible, to switch to something else. Over time it will get easier, babies grow up fast. In the meantime, be patient for a while. Seek peace of mind. You will be calm – and the baby will calm down. There will be no need to scream and spank.
Love is not depleted, it is a resource in and of itself.
Valentina, learn not to yell at your child while he is small and doesn’t understand anything, although he already understands your emotions. It’s understandable that it’s hard to be alone. Find your happiness in your child. Try to live every minute consciously. For that, when an emotional wave pops up, find it in your body, mentally examine it and color it in some light, bright tone, in the form of a babbling, cheerful brook. Realize that your child is not to blame for your problems, but your emotional instability is absorbed and reflected back to you. Put some decisions aside for later, rest more and enjoy your time with your child. He is so much fun right now. This time will pass and you may miss the most important things for his age.
I go off on a yell when I see him out of control. Today we were driving in the car and instead of controlling myself, I burst into a screaming fit. I really want mental contact with my kids and so I let them do a lot of things and then I snap into screaming. It would be wonderful to have an article on what is good and what is bad. For example, my daughter was allowed to play with a stick, I did not see anything scary about it, and in our yard we thought the opposite. My daughter grew up normally, but my son started fighting with sticks. I start screaming because I see some things I don’t understand. Their fights, sharing everything they have. The house is always a mess, but while my son is 3, I can’t do anything about it, my older daughter repeats everything after him, as if she is living through that age herself. In that respect, neither my parents nor my grandmother ever did that to me. But I was the only one they had. But there are two of them, and I feel more sorry for my daughter, she’s a girl, and I’ve hurt her so many times with my yelling and reactions that it’s just a shame to have to make everything all over again, even though she’s a great kid. But I am very strict with her.
Dear Elena, here is an article about anger and irritation and how to overcome it: https://azbyka.ru/deti/gnevu-v-dome-ne-mesto-ili-kak-pravilno-vyjti-iz-razdrazhenija And here are tips for parents who want to teach their child to order without fighting and torture: https://azbyka.ru/deti/kak-priuchit-rebenka-k-porjadku-bez-ssor-mushtry-i-nazidanij We are glad you read us. Suggest new topics of interest to you.
Hello! Useful information! I have a 2.6 son. While he does not speak. So, we need to develop fine motor skills! Could use more information!
Thanks for the article. I have a problem with yelling too. Lately I’ve been really yelling at the kids. And then I scold myself. I have two boys, one is almost 6, the other 4.5. They fight all the time, especially the older one beats the younger one if he does not do as he says and yells at him. And they do dangerous things. The older one sometimes does not obey, and shouts louder than me. He is very smart and clever, he should do everything as he wants. And together they cannot be left alone even for a minute, they can play with fire at home. The youngest one is very gentle, he shaves me to lose me. The elder one asks for forgiveness only at night, and the same thing again in the morning. We are waiting for another three, in two months we will be three.
Thank you for the article, I made screenshots and I will show them to my husband. My situation is not easy. My older son is 2.3, my daughter is 4 months old. My son is out of control, and to be more exact, there are no boundaries, no matter how I explain what is allowed and what is not. The baby is very bright, knows a lot of things, likes to read (or rather, to tell what he sees in the pictures), we were at the neurologist, he said that the baby is wonderful and 100% ready for kindergarten.
But here it is impossible to agree with him, we know how to go to the potty, but be sure to wash his hands or toys there, all the outlets are his hobby, he learns to get the plugs and there may be 1000 more examples.
Restrain yourself as best I can, but my nerves fail and go to a shout, and my favorite toddler takes flight or closes his ears with her hands, myself then in the evening hammered into a corner, I realize that he was wrong, and from this most of the soul hard(((
Angelica, you really have a very curious and wonderful baby, he is just … hyperactive. Of course it is hard for you, judging by his age, your son had an early three year old crisis. Try to direct the child’s energy in a peaceful way, and spend it as much as possible. To help you – our article on this topic https://azbyka.ru/deti/pomoch-trehletke-nauchiv-pomogat
I have a 10 year old daughter. And my son is 8 years old. They stay home alone until dinner. Doing homework. I am at work. I come, feed them, send them to school.It seems simple and easy. But I guess the problem is me. I get all worked up. On any occasion. My son is very active, but very inattentive, unsteady and slow when you need the opposite. He is good at studies and sports. The girl is a good student, but is shy even though she is a dancer in the ensemble. And sometimes I see that she cannot be changed. That her character is like her daddy’s. And before I tried to take her out everywhere in public. I was angry. I wanted her to be like me. But I guess I’m an idealist. I have to have everything in line. It’s hard for me and the people around me to live. So I yell in desperation at everyone. The kid gets scared. But he is so resilient that he quickly forgets the quarrel. And the girl doesn’t pay attention at all. It’s like she doesn’t care. It’s like I’m screaming for their attention. And my husband often doesn’t pay any attention at all. I know it’s stupid to do that. I can not do anything with myself. I have tried every method to stop it. It just takes everything out of me. Even if I get tired or relax. And my mother used to scream like that when I was a kid. And now she has diabetes. That’s what I’m afraid of for myself. And I’m even more afraid of crippling my kids’ psyches. After all, they can become like that too. They already do. I see it. What to do?
Maria, come to our forum, let’s think together what to do here, the problem is really not easy. Do not despair, together we will find a way out.
My baby does not eat well, I am constantly shouting, because of this screaming baby began to blink, what to do, I understand myself, wrong, but I can not cope.
Yes, it is a sad story. Now you have to deal with a nervous tic – at a neurologist… Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes, understand what he feels. Control yourself and calm down. Appetite and such a nervous state are incompatible
Hello … After the hospital my baby became some kind of aggressive or something… He is 1.7…. For the second day in a row I notice that if he does not succeed in something, he begins to scream a lot, throw the toy cars… Knock them with all his might… At the same time he is not crying, but just screaming awful…. Can just play there with a car or dice yell and call me for help. I am alarmed… I put him to bed and he yelled for 5 minutes … He was throwing himself from side to side… Should I be worried about his psychological state…?
Marina, all this is very similar to the hospital syndrome – it happens, and after you are discharged. One routine at home and another at the hospital, the baby will adapt. Be patient, watch, it should go away by itself. If it does not go away, consult your pediatrician and possibly a pediatric neurologist.
Your daughter’s hyperactivity is a nightmare. Apparently, this is the reason why she can’t hear me. Repeatedly we have discussed this topic, she asks for forgiveness, promises, and it all repeats. I feel like a monster. It comes to the point where I promise to send her to live with her father. I understand that this is wrong, I try to understand that she is suffering, but the problem remains. She is six years old.
Tatiana, the girl is small, is she able to deal with hyperactivity by herself (if you define the problem correctly)? Find a good, clever and kind psychologist, get some advice. You will be going to school soon, you need to figure it out. The main thing is not to despair, look for a way out, and love each other.
And what to do if the child does not listen, you explain in a good way, and he does not understand. For example, he quietly climbs into the dresser for candy. Not only is it impossible to have a lot of candy, but it can also fall down and break.
Dmitry, how old is your child? One thing – 2-3, another 4-5-6 and more. Age plays a role, because the explanations and conclusions can be different. Yes, and the approach to disassembly is also different. And it is desirable to sort it out, if you want to stop these trips. After all, if you disassemble this climbing in the dresser, you and I will see several aspects.
First, when and in what situations does a child want sweets? Stress… What do adults usually offer at such times? Yes, they comfort the child with candy, cakes, ice cream. (As a matter of fact, we often reward children for their successes with sweets.) What does a nursing mother comfort a crying baby with? Yes, with breast milk. And it tastes sweet, and it is memorable. Children often “eat” sweet and resentments (kindergarten, school, yard, friends, etc.), and lack of affection and attention from parents and other failures. Of course, here it is necessary to find the source of frustration immediately, and to take measures.
In addition, it can be a physiological need of the child’s body for a sweet. Because glucose is a biological need of a growing body, because kids are growing, stretching. Hence the craving for sweets. Probably it makes sense not to limit the child, but by taking him to the doctor, prescribe him the right amount of sweets, which will be useful to his body
The second is from another sphere. A child commits, in fact, a crime, despite exhortations. He steals, doesn’t he? So we should try to find words and examples of what happens for crimes in adulthood. After all, any habit that developed in childhood, can take root and grow into a passion, from which it will then be difficult to get rid of … And disobedience – also “article”. Explain to him what he is doing wrong, talk to a priest in the church you attend, check out our website and forum at https://azbyka.ru/deti/ and https://azbyka.ru/detforum/.
Third, perhaps parents need to take an impartial look at their lives? Children copy them in everything. So, parents tell their kid – don’t steal, but they steal, don’t lie, but they lie, etc. And all of this – before the eyes of a child who seems to understand nothing. And children are our reflection! Maybe before you criticize your child and show him/her what’s wrong with his/her actions, it makes sense to start with yourself and analyze what you’re doing wrong, how you’re encouraging your child to do such things. Or maybe you are giving him other opportunities to copy the bad behavior, like cartoons, etc. ?
Everyone knows a child comes into the world as clean as a piece of paper. It is the parents’ job to make him a good person, to leave this sheet as clean as possible. After all, first being in the family, and then in children’s institutions, he absorbs like a sponge. And not just the good stuff, as we can see.
PS Yes, you say, I will remove everything that gives my child access to candy, or not buy it at all. But after all, the problem will remain. So I’ll have to make an effort.
How do I stop hitting and yelling at my child
Why parents spank their children, even though they know you can’t do it
Victoria Dmitrieva family psychologist, TV host, author of books
About 60% of Russians, according to the survey, think it is possible to physically punish children for disobedience. But more and more moms and dads who are horrified by their own screaming and spanking – and want to stop treating their babies that way. What should they do – go to a psychologist? A mother of three who was able to wean herself and her husband from yelling at their children offers another option.
I was the perfect mother. Until I had kids. I thought I would never raise my voice, much less raise my hand against a child. After all, I had studied so much child psychology and knew exactly all the possible consequences. No way! Never!
But after a couple of years, my dreams came crashing down. Day after day, I suffered a pedagogical fiasco. My sons wouldn’t listen. Not the first time, not the tenth. At first it was my screaming that brought them to their senses. Then it stopped working. I began to snapped at the spanking.
But after hitting the child a couple of times, I realized that it did not help at all. Soon it seemed that the boys were pushing on purpose, anxiously waiting for my mother to become hysterical.
The same thing was happening to my husband. At some point I noticed that he did not speak to children in a calm voice. Only in raised tones and in a commanding tone of voice. And he would raise his hand.
If it helped with parenting – no problem! But the situation was becoming more and more unmanageable. Unruly parents and unruly children
“I feel like not just a monster, but a monster, I become disgusted with myself, but here, honestly, I try to fight it, little by little I get it, and I really hope that I can cope! By the way, the fight against myself was made frightened child’s eyes, in which I recognized myself as a child, when my mother used to punish me. And the reasons for my breakdowns are absolutely petty, and do not need to react to them so react! In general, I do not want to spoil the baby’s psyche and feel like a monster! I want to live in absolute love and harmony.”
“I, honestly, and I can yell, and spank. Then so ashamed and my heart clenches that I want to cry (and I do).
“I yell, yes. Then I am ashamed and ask my daughter’s forgiveness – I do not know if it is right or not, but I want to, and I ask, and she hugs me and says she forgives me. So we live.
But next time you will know!
Imagine that you and your husband and friends went to a restaurant, you’re having fun, you’re dancing. Your husband says, “You’ve had enough, let’s go home.” You don’t want to, you refuse, the fun is in full swing. The girlfriends still stay, no one leaves.
And then, getting your refusal, your husband as a kick in the ass or face – for disobedience. In public. Shouting, “Next time you’ll know!”
Will that teach you to obey your husband? Bring you closer together? Will it make you respect him more? Love him?
When parents hit their children, they think they are teaching them discipline and obedience. But what they’re really teaching is:
- to humiliate the weaker ones;
- not to place the desires of others at any price;
- to be afraid.
And they also create a huge chasm between the child and the parent, into which all parental words and moral teachings fall, so it seems that “the child doesn’t hear me, he can’t be reached, only a whipping will help him, if only to kick his ass once, so he knows”. But it almost never ends once, does it?
When you’re yelling and getting handsy, kids:
- They get used to not looking for ways to solve the problem, but just wait out the scandal.
- Listen to you only when you speak in high tones.
- Do not feel safe with you, and because of this they become nervous, disobedient, capricious.
- And you get more and more angry at the naughty and disobedient children.
Where do mean parents come from?
When my husband and I realized that yelling and bullying weren’t working, we started looking for other ways to restore peace in the family.
Let me tell you right away: everything got better very quickly, when we realized the main reason for it-happy, rested, realized parents do not burst into an orgy, and even more so on slaps. So we need to start with the main thing.
No psychology will not help if your physical condition is close to critical. You can work as much as you want with the best psychologists in the country, but if you are very tired and sleep little – you somehow will break down into screaming and abuse.
If we regularly don’t get enough sleep, a lot of the stress hormone cortisol is released into our bloodstream. This hormone makes us aggressive and irritable. And it’s more powerful than any psychological lotion.
“It’s so right, I wish I had realized that a few months ago. I was exhausted, vomiting every day. I didn’t even know I could be so tired! Children and husband, of course, were the first to hit, and I honestly tried to control myself, but then I started crying all day long! My beloved husband took me away to rest without the kids! I miss the kids, but I’ll bring them a better mother.”
“My daughter asks me sometimes already: “Mom, did you get enough sleep?” Well, because I often say that I did not get enough sleep, so angry.”
I don’t want to yell at the child and hit him. Where do I start?
So step 1 – first eliminate fatigue and lack of sleep. Throw all your energy, money and time into this part of life. Instead of spending money on sedatives and psychologists, get a babysitter for two hours a day and get some sleep. If your baby won’t let you sleep, hire a sleep consultant. Do whatever it takes to save yourself!
Change the paradigm! Not “get things done first, and if there’s time left, I’ll take a nap,” but “get some sleep first, and then I’ll get things done.”
The baby won’t remember how dirty your floors were at home. But he will remember his always tired, shouting mother, who lashes out at him because of the spilled compote, and then cries and asks for forgiveness. Give your body a rest. Otherwise, it’s all useless.
It makes no sense to work with the consequences without eliminating the cause. If you forget about fatigue and lack of sleep, then you will be the one to say: “All these psychologists are rubbish, they didn’t help me.
What is important to establish:
- Quality sleep for at least 8 hours straight.
- Sleep should start before midnight.
- A change of picture and a break from the baby at least a couple of hours a week.
If you have all of this, but breakdowns still occur frequently, then we go in the direction of psychology. Then we start to talk about psychological problems.
But up to that point, it’s not the psyche, it’s hormones. It’s not the head that’s sick, but the body. And it needs help.
About the next steps to help us unlearn how to hit kids – next time.