How do I get myself not to call him?
I am now in my second marriage, I lost my first husband at the age of 24. This husband is now a step away from me. I try to control every step. During the day I call him 2-3 times to find out where he is and what he does.He is furious.He said that if I do not stop behaving like this, he will go to live with his parents. Because he is ashamed at work, that I call with questions-where are you, and why I did not answer in his ICQ. And I can not otherwise.I need to know that he is all right. My sister and her husband do not call during the day, he goes out in the morning, comes home in the evening, she knows that he is at work and does not think about anything bad. She only calls on urgent matters very rarely. That’s what I think. Maybe I should take Afobazol, does it help at all? Or do something to avoid thinking about my husband. Although I probably can not. advice, please, but without mocking.
Have a human conversation with your husband. Explain why this is so important to you. The easiest way (works 100%, I am a teacher, working with troubled teens, mothers go crazy where they are, and the “kids” are mad about the calls of mothers) – he sends you a couple times a day SMS “ok” or “order”. That’s it. You know he’s alive, he sends you a text at his convenience.
oh we have a woman at work, so she and her husband every hour to call, so strange. and for many years in a marriage already, but if it does not bother him, why not! and you certainly have another, can say I will not think about the bad, so do not click” or no, better to agree at what time to call 2 times. he himself will say when he is comfortable, and you endure to the hour x
He did not agree, I asked him to do so.He just forgets.And says I’m at work and do not bother me.
IMHO then the problem is not your calls but your husband’s attitude towards you. You do not throw tantrums in an empty place.
Try to see a psychologist for starters. Tell him what’s going on. You have high anxiety and maybe panic attacks. And I really believe that her husband these calls are annoying, and they still do not change anything, if God forbid what. You do understand that, don’t you?
Author, my condolences. I lost my first husband at the same age. I also tried to “know that everything was okay” with my second. It also pissed him off (well I understand him now). I did not need a doctor, but we had a long talk with my second husband, I explained to him about my cockroaches and he told me what was annoying him. As a result, we agreed that if I know that he is at work today from 10 to 19 + hour drive home, then until 20-00 I have no right to fidget) If he’s not home at 20 – I can get nervous and call, and he will tell me where he is without nerves. For three years we live by this methodology, the flight was normal. But if you can not agree and come up with a mutually agreeable option to save your nerves and nerves husband – then you have to go to the doctor. This kind of anxiety for your loved ones is not the norm.
+ I also think that it does not come out of nothing. And the author has to try to do something, to come to terms with herself, including.
This is a consequence of a psychological trauma. It is bad that your husband does not understand it. But maybe you really have it in a very stressful form. You need to see a therapist. I doubt that pills alone will help you. Psychotherapy is needed.
Author, do you want to be a single mother? Keep it up. If you don’t want to, see a therapist right away! You are very sick, your anxiety level does not allow you to perceive reality normally. You find it strange that your sister doesn’t call him as often as you do. Many wives call their husbands 2-3 times a day to ask something or chat, but not to ask in a panic – have you been hit by a car yet?! No one likes it when an anxious wife is constantly grazing.
Psychologist + get out to work sooner. Husband you understand, I would also freak out if I was constantly jerked during work hours.
Psychologist + get out to work sooner. Husband you understand, I would also freak out if I was constantly jerked during work hours.
And I have a mom like you. You’ll laugh, I’m already in my fifth decade. Maybe on her day off to call eight times – where are you, and what are you doing. That said, I live alone, financially completely self-sufficient. I want to smash the phone. On the eighth time I start yelling into the tube.
And he did not answer the text message.
Why did your very young husband die?
Leukemia. He was often ill, like a cold, he did not go to the doctor. Then my back was hurting, we thought it was sciatica, because the work was too hard. Frequent business trips, I did not see his condition. And when I took him to the doctor, he had already been diagnosed. The bone marrow puncture showed a very high percentage of blast cells. No chance. Two rounds of chemo, and that’s it.
I’m just like your mother. I call my mom five times a day. Even though I’m happily married and don’t depend on my mom for anything. We just talk. I also call my husband all the time and he calls me. We generally have a habit of letting each other know when we change places. For example, he came to work – he sends a text “I’m here”, went out at lunch – calls, etc.
Author, the problem is in you and, as above advised, you need to go to a therapist. If you don’t have that option, read books on psychotherapy on the subject, there are a lot of them and you can find them on the internet.
Yelling? That’s horrible! Shame on you! My mom used to call me every two hours. How was work? What did you eat and have you eaten? She knew all my little brats by name and their problems with their studies- What did you get for the test P. and A? My phone hasn’t rung in over a year. I’m in my sixth decade. I do not understand how hard it is to talk to my mom, because this is such a small thing for us, these 5 minutes, and for them it’s life!
+100 Both my mom and dad call me, I do not even count how many times. And I can call them five times a day, too. And thank God they’re alive. Is hearing my mom’s voice more than once a week such a nightmare?
Don’t compare everyone to yourself. It depends a lot on the relationship with my mother.
For example, if I do not clearly keep the line, my mother begins to pry so actively into my life that it does not end well. One has a habit of driving into someone else’s life in a tank and then slamming her eyes hard and being surprised at everything she’s done. I did it a couple of times on the advice of well-wishers like you, after which I VERY much regretted it.
Don’t you want to talk to the school principal, whom my mother spent an hour talking about brainless teachers and her own grandson’s unappreciated brilliance? And with the CEO of our company, whom my mother made a fuss over my absence from the workplace? I did not answer the phone for half an hour, you see.
I’m not even talking about the comments of the series “you have nothing to do” and unsolicited advice on any subject (she is an expert in every field without exception).
Endless calls from spouses: love or psychological problem?
Endless calls to each other during the day is a feature of the relationship of some couples. Such exhausting control from the husband or wife, according to psychologists, often indicates not a friendly family, but personal and family problems. The causes and risks that create an “intrusive relationship” are commented on by psychologists.
“Call me! Call me!”
Calls and texts from morning till night interfere with work, rest not only the lucky man who has a very restless other half, but also catch the eye of those around him.
“My acquaintance’s boyfriend calls her every 10 minutes – it’s impossible to go to a cafe or just go for a walk and talk. When you start to discuss something, the phone rings,” complains Liz on the forum. (The spelling and punctuation of the authors are preserved. Note: “NN”).
“My husband calls me every 10 minutes. I am pleased, but sometimes if nothing about it pisses me off,” I reported.
“I am one of them
True, I call my husband 2-3 times a day. Why? To hear his voice, to ask what he wants for dinner, to tell him that I love him, so he did not forget to buy milk every day I come up with something new : )))) but once it was that I did not call him then he called me so we have no problems with it, “- honestly admitted vaieri [56.9K].
Experts cite several reasons for this behavior.
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| Calls and texts from morning till night interfere with work |
“The reasons for the constant calls can be a high degree of fusion of one of the spouses. In this case, the person poorly distinguishes where I am and where the other is, where my feelings and desires are and where his life is. A similar fusion exists between mother and child, but in this case it is quite justified, because the baby has spent 9 months in the womb. The mother may indeed be badly aware that the child is no longer a part of her even after birth. Merging with another as an adult is an indicator of an unhealthy relationship. One sign that indicates a high degree of fusion is the frequent use of the pronoun “we,” instead of “I.” Such people do not think that the other half is uncomfortable talking on the phone at the moment, I am not talking about feelings and desires of the partner, “- says psychologist Invika.
At the heart of all such relationships is a sense of their own inferiority
The incessant calls – a desire for attention. It is almost a child’s request for attention.
At the heart of all of the above is the fear of rejection, an ancient fear. For the caveman, to lose attention, to become rejected, meant to lose one’s life. To survive alone in those days was simply impossible.
“If it is a co-dependent relationship, the spouses complement each other and receive secondary benefits, they can live in such a system for a long time and maybe happily. In that case, however, if the partner is okay with boundaries, then he or she will either teach or set hard limits. There is a possibility that the union will be dissolved,” adds Invika.
The foundations of such behavior are laid, of course, in childhood, say psychotherapists.
“The paradox is that in any loving relationship we wait for what our mother lacked in childhood, and we build the relationship on the semblance of the interactions of Dad and Mom as we saw and perceived it. If a person’s need to receive love and care was not met in childhood, the psychological separation from parents has not occurred. An unseparated person with an unmet need for love and acceptance will be “stuck” in relationships with other people. The basis of all such relationships is fear of life, insecurity, a feeling of inferiority, increased anxiety. The search for love will be an obsessive need, a condition of survival. Such a person unconsciously tries to compensate for his own inadequacy, to receive the love that was lacking in childhood at the expense of another person, emphasizing his importance and power over the other through displays of jealousy, control over his partner’s life and feelings (including through calls and texts), hyperresponsibility for the life of the other and a desire to help, or, conversely, transfer responsibility for his life to another,” noted the psychotherapist Tatiana Goncharova.
“The one who doesn’t trust is the one who calls every five minutes.”
In such an addictive relationship, there is no real intimacy between the spouses, no real trust.
“Yes the horror! The one who doesn’t trust is the one who calls every five minutes. There has to be trust,” noted Alino Zaitseva.
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| Fear of rejection – an ancient fear, according to psychologists |
In this relationship can be very emotionally charged, which can be taken for love: “Jealous – it means he loves. In these relationships, people use each other to satisfy their unconscious needs, to make up for mental deficits, which are from childhood, but these needs remain unmet.
Over time, conflicts, misunderstandings, dissatisfaction with the object of “love” and themselves, constant checks and calls, instructions on how and what to do, wear out both partners, further distancing them from each other and reinforcing distrust. In such a “dependent” relationship, both partners suffer, because as long as needs remain unconscious, they cannot be met, no matter how hard the partner tries.
If you stop calling, it will not get better?
That said, experts believe that stopping the calls won’t stabilize the situation.
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| Stopping the calls isn’t likely to fix the situation. |
“When one partner abruptly stops calling, you can only make the situation worse, because for the other partner it will be a loss of love and his importance to the ‘beloved,’ a loss of attention, and the first partner will suffer by not getting his needs met, or by seeing his partner suffer, or will become the object of his aggression. Even if one succeeds in breaking up this relationship, there is a good chance that the next relationship will be created with a similar partner. At the beginning of such a relationship complement each other, that is, both partners need what they can get from each other, to compensate for their internal “deficit,” says Tatiana Goncharova.
“I got my husband used to call himself)))) at the beginning of the family relationship there was the same problem. all day long I was waiting for a call and was already angry, offended. then I got tired of it all and abruptly stopped calling. after that he started calling, asking. now we often communicate. I am satisfied”, – I am happy with it.
Meanwhile, psychologists do not rule out that the constant calls can also mean that the caller simply has nothing to do, he is idle. If such a person is passionate about something he simply has nothing to do and no time to call.
“It seems to me it is mistrust, and nothing unoccupied wife, if she wants to show that she loves her husband and thinks about him, let her cook a delicious dinner (something he likes), some nice surprise (like a declaration of love on the mirror with lipstick). Yes, and let your husband miss you, you will be much more pleasant to get a call from him or flowers, etc., than the other way around, “- sure lorix [461].
You can get out of this situation only through working on the awareness of your own needs and forming the skill to “fill” yourself independently, without “using” the other person, i.e. through psychological maturation.
