What if I can’t find a husband/wife? Priest Georgy Maximov
It happens that some girls for a long time can not find a groom and are very worried about it. It also happens that young men can’t find a wife and also worry about that. These worries can distress a person very much, and the person suffers, worries, thinks, why is it with me, why can’t I, why others have, and I do not, and so on. And I would like to offer some reflections on this. I emphasize that what I say here in this video is not the ultimate truth, just some observations and reflections that you may find helpful, if you or someone you know is affected by this situation
So, first of all, what I’d like to say is that people who have this kind of difficulty often imagine that they will find a husband or a wife, and then they will be happy, then their life will be full, and they will feel this fullness of life, and everything will be wonderful, and the husband (or wife) will be just as they imagine; and their relationship will be wonderful; and everything will be fine. And now it’s bad because it’s not, but this will be, and I’ll be fine. And so, I must say, of course, the question arises here: but why do you think so? And here’s what I’d like to say: if you look at your acquaintances and friends and relatives who have found a family, you’ll see that not all of them got the family life that they wanted. Again, need I tell you how many marriages break up, and of those that don’t, how many marriages where people agonize with each other. So, of course, the fact that you haven’t found your other half yet, as they say, there is some providence of God in that. What kind of providence? God keeps you from something you’re not ready for. And what do you mean, you’re not ready? Why do families break up so often, in my opinion, even overwhelmingly? Because of people’s selfishness – people are often both (both husband and wife) infected with selfishness, as almost everyone in our society has been since their youth – and so two selfish people get along with each other extremely hard: you need to give in family life, you learn to sacrifice yourself for the sake of the other, and as long as you are willing to sacrifice, and as long as this willingness to sacrifice, self-sacrifice, is mutual – that family can live on, grow, develop, grow stronger, and so on. And the egoist has no desire to sacrifice himself, and if he does, it is difficult for him, he does not want to. And it expresses itself in many ways: in the most minor things, it can lead to serious, major quarrels, arguments, and so on. So, this is, in fact, the question, the reason to think: if you can’t find a life partner (a fiance or a bride), then look closely: what are your relationships with the people around you, how do you treat your relatives, how do you treat your friends, how do you treat your colleagues at work, are you okay? If you have relationship problems with people that you don’t see very often, that you don’t spend all your time with, that you don’t live with, those same problems, those same traits of your character, will come out in even bigger conflicts with your spouse, with whom you will be constantly connected.
So, you shouldn’t expect to get some ideal, you may get a very good, but still an ordinary person who has some weaknesses, and you have to learn to live in peace with this person: both his positive and his negative sides. You need to learn to live in peace with people. If you can’t live in peace with strangers or semi-strangers for a long time now, can’t maintain and keep friendly relations, how will you have the strength to do that in family life, where much more effort is required. So maybe while you still have time to make efforts to change your soul, your relations with people around you – this will help you when you meet your other half (conditional expression, but let’s use it).
So it happens: a girl prays to God to send her a husband. She comes to the priest, complaining: I am alone, I want to find a husband. The Lord sends her a husband. Then she goes to the priest to complain that her husband is bad, so-and-so, so-and-so, and she nags her husband, harasses him with all kinds of hysterics. She prays that she would have children – okay, God sends her children. She begins to beat these children, to yell at them, to throw a tantrum. Then she comes and complains about the children, and complains about herself, and is tormented by the fact that she cannot be the mother she wants to be. It’s sad to see that. So if God doesn’t give you a spouse yet, use this time to work on your soul, so that when the time comes it will be easier for you to become either a wife or a husband, a mother, a father… It’s much more productive than constantly beating yourself up about how I don’t have what I would like or what I would like… Even if God never gives you the other half, you will still be a better person and a better Christian as a result of this work. That would be to your advantage anyway.
As for how to find a husband or wife, in my opinion and in my experience, it is best to pray that the Lord will send you the spouse He wants to find for you. Because relying on your own search, on your own evaluation criteria, is very unreliable. The best thing is what the Lord will send in answer to prayer. The best thing is to beg. You can ask and pray to Blessed Matrona, and your heavenly patroness or heavenly protector, you can also pray to other saints, and the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, the Blessed Virgin Mary – in general, here is how to rely on the soul, and you can pray about it. But the most important thing is to leave it on God’s will, to leave the place to the will of God, that it is not like this: Lord, do as I want, it will be better for me. Because we do not know what will be better for us. If you look at the way relationships work in modern families now, what happens sometimes is that sometimes the family becomes just hell on earth for the people who are in it. And I will say this: if you compare a good, kind, loving Christian family with loneliness, of course such a family is better than loneliness; but if you compare a family that is hell on earth with loneliness, then loneliness is better than such a family
What kind of family you will have, what kind of husband you will become, or what kind of wife you will become, until the time comes, you will not know. If the Lord takes this time away from you, puts it off, it is not because He is sorry for you, but because He sees that you are not ready for it yet, and in this He shows His love for you. Many people in families suffer, and that is the suffering that neither I would want for you nor the Lord wants for you. Does that mean I’m against the family? Absolutely not! The Christian family is a school of love for those who treat it properly; it is very useful for personal formation, for the Christian formation of man; it is the place where man grows, or rather, can grow; it depends on him how he will use what God has given him, and what he will use his family and his family relations for. But one should not make an idol out of the family. Indeed, it is not worth it. Therefore, it seems to me, the right thing to do in this situation would be, first, to pray; second, to work on yourself; third, to rely on God’s will. And you have to live the full Christian life, the life that you have now, try to grow as a Christian, improve as a Christian. Let that occupy you most of all, not whether you will find a wife, whether you will find a husband. And if you become the kind of person who has purpose, who has fulfillment in his life, who has inner growth, then you will also become more attractive to those people who can become a worthy life partner. If you constantly harass yourself that your life is not the way you would like it to be, then it’s likely that other people will feel dissatisfied with your life, and, you know, honestly speaking, that person is not very attractive to those with whom you’d like to get involved in life. You should not have the idea that you have to get married at any cost, you should not have the idea that you can marry anyone, because sometimes people with such ideas get married, literally, to the first person they meet, and then it does not lead to anything good, to put it mildly. There is no need to hurry, the Lord will give everything in due time, if we ourselves are ready for it, if we entrust our lives into His hands.
How to Find a Wife: Searching for a Spouse
Despite the fact that it is usually considered more difficult for women to find a husband, and they always think about how to do it, in fact men are also often concerned about how to find a wife. They want to get some kind of ready-made option, and they search the Internet, what signs distinguish a good girl, how not to make a mistake in the choice, they think there are some tests that will help check the girl for readiness for relationships and family. Today let’s think whether it is possible to find a wife at once, without having met her for a year or more. Let’s consider where to look and the best way to do it so you don’t make a mistake.
Let’s try to go through the points that will help you find a wife, although this question is not correct. Why? You can’t just find a wife. You get acquainted with someone, you have a mutual sympathy, then you have to meet each other for a while to understand how you suit each other, and most likely you will have to live together, because the man opens up in everyday life, and on a date can be ideal. And only then, after some time, with experience, if you understand that you are much worse off without this woman, you can already think about a serious relationship and make her a proposal.
First, understand what you need.
The thing is, “how to find a wife” is too general a question. A wife is not just a commodity at the bazaar. You can’t just find her. A wife is more important than friends because she will always be with you. Maybe. If you will be worthy of her too.
1. That’s why it’s very important not to choose just anyone. And it’s important to be the kind of man girls want to marry.
You have to understand that women are very emotional and sometimes too trusting, which is not a good thing for them. Also, girls have a much harder time with breakups because of their emotionality, and you should think carefully before you propose to one of them.
6. Do you know how to listen? The fact is, you’re not going to get anywhere with women if you’re deprived of this quality. One consolation is that you can develop it in yourself. It’s called active listening, and you should not only listen, but also ask questions. Otherwise a woman won’t believe that you’re interested in what she has to say.
You probably saw how people who live together for many years, talking to each other: one is sitting on the phone or computer, the other is trying to reach him, but he just nods and pretends to listen. So: you can not behave like that, so look for a man who will be interesting to you, who has his own hobbies, so he could share them, and you could discuss them together otherwise. With time you will just get bored, and talking only about children does not strengthen the marriage.
7. Again, about kids. In a marriage, you have to be prepared for a woman to want to have children. You have to understand that in any case. If you didn’t know that or didn’t want kids, it will already be your fault. It’s best if you discuss it beforehand. Because if after a couple of years of marriage it turns out that one of you really wants kids and one of you doesn’t, your marriage might just fall apart, because having or not having kids is very important, and not everyone is willing to put up with the opposite point of view.
8. When you have kids, you have to pay twice as much attention to your family, because kids are very complicated, expensive, and they literally blow your mind. The hardest part will be the first four years, and after that it’s even harder. Of course, if you will perform the duties of a father, and not pretend to be a hoser.
So where do you look for your soulmate?
If you have definitely decided that you need a wife, then all that’s left is to figure out where to look for her. So what to do, how to be?
Well, think about what you’re interested in. Let’s say you’re an athlete and you can’t live without it. How you look for your wife will tell you what your hobby is. Perhaps she is not as far away as you think, you just have to look around during training.
If you’re a talented musician, you’re unlikely to be interested in an athlete and you’ll want to find a girl who’s great at playing or singing. You should definitely look in the circles where you hang out.
If you are a modest and generally introverted person, don’t worry, and such people find love and are very active in getting to know each other. First, try to get out of the house more often, because you never know where you will meet your love. Try to think more positively, because a moody face won’t attract anyone.
How to find a wife. Signs.
Let’s say you already have a few cool girls in mind, and you realize that you need to make up your mind somehow. If you ask each of them what they’re like, they may tell you a lot of interesting things, but not all of them will be true. It’s best if you get to know her from the outside by observing her behavior, actions, and thoughts in different situations, especially if those situations are difficult.
- For example, look at her pages on the Internet, that is, on social networks. Look at the pictures she posts, and note for yourself what she likes. Maybe she is only engaged in self-love with him, or maybe there is a moment of admiration in her life for the world around her. That, too, can speak volumes.
- By no means should you rush into it. Maybe now you communicate with the girl, and she is fine on all fronts, but in six months her character and behavior may change, and in such a way that you will realize that this is not your person at all. So you need to wait some time to figure out her character, mood swings, and your feelings about it all.
- You don’t have to choose to be an obedient sheep, your future wife should be brave and be able to say what she doesn’t like. For example, if you’re being pig-headed, if she doesn’t tell you that, you’ll continue to behave that way, which will eventually lead to a breakup. Don’t think everything is quiet. You might be surprised yourself at how harsh the girl can be when she stops being patient.
- Don’t feed her breakfast promising to get married but do nothing. It’s better not to promise to marry, and communicate neutrally, gradually getting to know the girl. And then you can suddenly propose to her. It will be more unexpected and enjoyable that way.
You can not be completely sure that the girl is ready for married life. Yes, she may love you and you may have a good time together, but that doesn’t mean you’re ready to be a family. Plus, you may be pressured by the people around you, relatives or friends. But this is wrong, it is better not to listen to anyone, and act only according to the dictates of your own heart. You have to decide for yourself whether you want to get married. All your relatives will not take responsibility for your decision. Pay attention to your comfort and how you feel when she is not around. If you feel better when you’re not together, it’s definitely not your person.
It is very good that people, not being able to choose their relatives, can choose their life partner. How do you know if a girl is ready for a relationship? You can’t. But it’s worth paying attention to how she behaves with her mom and dad, her girlfriends and friends, and what hobbies she has and if she has any at all.
If she’s rude, rude, or doesn’t pick up the phone when her mom calls, it shows that she’s not serious about her family. Maybe she will behave the same way in marriage. It’s certainly not a guarantee, but you can call it a wake-up call.
What Happens to Each Partner During Marriage
You’re bound to find out, because if you think that your sweet nymph will stay the same for life, you’re wrong. Exactly the same as you will not remain who you are now during joint life people show themselves, and become with themselves, the fact is that if on a date you can still somehow restrain your character, and in general try to seem better than you are, then during joint life and all the shorts sooner or later will begin to surface and that is why you need to live together before you decide to create a family, just to see if you are ready to put up with each other’s shorts.
Deciding to start a family is a very serious matter, and if you just go to the registry office and get married, it’s not over. You are going to live together from now on, and you need to do it in a way that each of you enjoys it. So that no one suffers or suffers. And if you can do that, there’s a chance to keep your relationship going for many decades. You can’t say forever or for life, because very rare marriages last for the rest of their partners’ lives. You have to be a smart enough person to do this, very patient and accommodating.
You have to be able to make sacrifices for your marriage. Not necessarily in everything and every day, but from time to time you’re going to have to make a choice between family and friends, between partying and going to a kid’s matinee. And this has a lot to do with how your relationship is going to develop.
By no means forget that when you live with a man, you stop seeing the image he broadcasts to you, you see him for who he is and you should like that.
There is an opinion that during marriage girls become like their husbands. That’s not really true, but you can really influence her mood. If you do something that pleases her, she’s happy and even you will feel much better and enjoy it. If you don’t pay attention to her, however, she will feel unhappy. And then your marriage will suffer. Because the weather in the house depends on the woman, and if things are bad, then you probably messed up somewhere.
Many men say that over time the wife stopped liking you, stopped satisfying in bed, in everyday life and so on. But in fact the wife is a reflection of her husband and if you are not happy with her, it is not her fault. Try to change your behavior and you’ll notice that her emotional background will change.
Why you might make a mistake in choosing a wife
The fact is that when we are looking for a loved one, sometimes we stop at one factor and do not notice the others. But you can’t do that, and you have to consider everything. Especially this.
If you think that once a girl becomes your wife, she will turn into the perfect robot that functions as a vacuum cleaner, bread maker, vacuum stimulator, and so on, it is not so. If you chose a party girl, she will remain one. People don’t change overnight and you should think about that.
You’ll regret it if you made an emotional choice. Yes, a girl can be stunningly beautiful, witty and sweet, but if you thought she was, and you also looked at her body instead of her character, you will fail on all fronts. Passion dazzles, and when you’re so infatuated that you don’t notice the obvious downsides, you could be paying the price in the future just a couple of weeks into the marriage.
When thinking about how to find a wife, you should pay attention to traits like kindness, the ability to take responsibility, a healthy self-confidence and her willingness to be supportive.
If you didn’t choose a girl who is interested in the same things you are, or you chose one who doesn’t appeal to you sexually, then you made a mistake in choosing a wife. Why? In the first case, you will get bored with such a woman very soon, and in the second case, you will start cheating on her. All this will prevent a strong marriage, and you will divorce very quickly.
If you dated very little before marriage, or dated for a long time, but you never managed to get attached to each other, you can’t get married. And if you did, don’t be surprised that your relationship will end quickly.
If you’re uncomfortable with her, you’re constantly suspicious of her and tense about something, that’s not a good option for getting married either.
If you don’t communicate, meaning you can’t build a normal dialogue at all, then your marriage is going to last a very, very short time. The ability to communicate is incredibly important, and without it, you can never get into a serious relationship. Because there are a lot of different conflicts and contentious issues that happen during marriage that need to be dealt with, not glossed over, so either learn how to build a dialogue with your future wife, or look for one with whom this won’t be a problem.
If you want to run away from yourself in a relationship, that’s no reason to get married either. It would be better to talk to a psychologist instead to create another unhappy unit of society. By the way, even if your girlfriend will be cheerful and confident, she won’t help you become the same, so first sort yourself out, and only then marry.
And if you opt for a girl who has any kind of addiction, and here we are talking not only about alcohol or drugs, this also includes addiction to work, food or the same hobby. Here the situation can be very serious, and the girl just will not pay you the attention she deserves, because her head will be occupied with other things. Think carefully before you marry someone like that.
If you think a woman will live up to your expectations, you’re wrong. Yes, it can happen that you find yourself a submissive and boring girl who will give up herself, her hobbies, relatives and friends in favor of you, and serve you faithfully-that is not a normal marriage, and you can’t do that. In a harmonious marriage, each partner should have the opportunity to express himself to the fullest and do what he wants and be happy. If your wife does only you, you will be happy, but she will waste her time on you, and that is bad.
Especially bad for her, and even if you think it’s good for you, it’s not. Eventually you’ll realize that an unfulfilled woman is completely uninterested in you. Eventually you’ll start looking for another and your marriage will fall apart.
If the only thing on a woman’s mind is children, find out in advance what she wants the marriage for. If she says she wants children and is constantly circling around the idea, then perhaps there is something wrong. You should definitely consider the desire to have children, but at the same time do not forget that if her thoughts occupy only them, then it is unlikely you will be able to build a normal relationship. Because when the children are born they will occupy all her thoughts, whether there will be time and energy left for you is already a good question
If you’re too aggressive, you shouldn’t advise marriage either, because your wife will be the first to suffer from you. Having mental problems, but you have to deal with them first, and only after that can you think about marriage. If you think that your calm girlfriend will be a patient Mother Teresa to you, who will quench your outbursts of anger, you’re wrong. She doesn’t have to put up with these antics, so first eradicate the habit of snapping at others, and only then can you think about finding a wife and starting a family.
After you’ve learned some options on how to find a wife, you’re probably now thinking about how important it is to prepare yourself before going into such a serious matter. You don’t have to think it’s unrealistic, but don’t think that finding a spouse is an easy thing to do either. If you take it seriously and take the situation into your own hands, you will succeed, and you won’t regret spending so much time on self-discovery and looking for a future wife.