How to meet a man if you have a child?
After reading the forum, I decided to post this long text. This advice from an interesting book: “Hunting for the male. Hunt, lure, tame. A Practical Guide.” The chapter is just about what to do if you have a baby =) Have a great day, everyone!
What if you have a child?
Petya, 35: “Once I met a girl on the Internet. We talked on the phone, and everything seemed normal. She casually mentioned that she had a child. It kind of freaked me out a little bit, but then I thought, “I’m going to communicate with her, not the baby.”
So here I am going on a date and deciding what to do. We’ve never met before. I drive up to the meeting place. She calls and says:
– I’m at the place, I’m standing in front of the parking lot. Where are you?
Through the windows of the tinted car, I see the silhouette of a woman standing with two children! I’m shocked. I try to get a good look at her. Do I even like her? Then I think to myself: “What the hell do I need this for? Is she out of her mind? I’m not ready for this.”
I turn around and leave. I’m not even ready to explain to her why I left. It won’t be a pleasant conversation for her, I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
She calls me back. I didn’t even know what to do. Then I just turned my phone off.
I was interested in the story, so I texted him:
“Hi. Tell me, please, could this girl behave in any way so that you could start a relationship with her? After all, she has children. Have you ever been in a relationship with a girl with kids?” He answered me a couple of days later:
“Yes, I have. Yes, I could have. My previous girlfriend told me that in between, too. That said, she didn’t stress me out with her kids. I really liked her in s-s and then a couple of months later she introduced me to the baby. She never required me to do anything for the baby. She didn’t stress me out with it, I wanted to help her myself.” I started talking to single girls with children before I did this.
I was wondering if anyone at all understood how to properly communicate with men when you have a child. And so I found one girl who told me her strategy. It’s quite effective, and I highlighted a few important points from her method.
Her name is Nastya. Her child is 5 years old. She got married at 17, divorced at 24. As is often the case. Mistakes of youth. 17 and 24 are different people. At 17 they’re compatible, at 24 they’re not, it happens.
She’s 29 years old now. She separated from her husband when the baby was a year old. And since then she has tried different ways of communicating with men.
Here’s what she told me:
“I don’t tell about the baby right away. Often it happens before s-sex, often after. It’s not that important. What’s important is HOW you talk about it. I talk about the baby as if in passing. For example, he says:
– Can you stay for the party with me tonight?
– No, not unless it’s tomorrow, I don’t have a babysitter today. Tomorrow I’d love to!
So, you see, her focus shifts from having a baby to having something they’re going to do tomorrow.
A lot of women do that. You’re worried about how he’s going to react to the baby, and you say:
– I have a child,” and you look at him. The man feels uncomfortable, he understands that a reaction is expected from him, he has to comment on it somehow. And that makes him tense. Of course, as a result, he runs away from you.
Your child, your ex-husband, etc. – is your life, your business. But just don’t be embarrassed about it!
“I’m not ashamed of it, I’m not ashamed of the fact that I have a child. But I don’t accentuate it either, as my friend does. She thinks so:
– The man should know about the baby. He must be put before the fact that I’m looking for a father for the child!
And after that, men run away from her.”
Exactly right. Your problem, women, is that you think we, like you, are looking for a relationship. But no! We are looking for a relationship, just a little different. For many men, the very word “relationship” sounds like the word “prison” sounds to you. They’re scared of responsibility. And here you are on the first or second or third date, head-on:
– My baby needs a father!
At this very moment, any of us are thinking:
– Nah, that’s not me… I’m not sure if I’m ready for my kids yet. And here’s someone else’s, I’m not!
“I’m showing the man that the baby is my business. And that I’m not going to stress him out in any way. And that I’m not going to introduce him to it. It’s my baby. It’s my life, that’s all! We shouldn’t let the baby get in the way of us communicating. When we men see this line of behavior in a woman, we understand that she has a child. But we don’t freak out. And we keep in touch.
Women tend to fall in love and get attached. And at some point you start to have feelings for her. Or some men start fooling around, trying to get close to a woman quickly, find out everything about her, get to know the baby ahead of time, and say:
– Introduce me to the baby!
Remember, you can’t introduce him to a baby while he’s still not in love with you! So it’s cool to say what Nastya says in this case, and I totally support her!
– You know, I don’t introduce the baby to everyone. So wait, I’m not ready for that yet.
It works cool.
1. He immediately understands that getting to know your child is a carrot, which he has to earn by his behavior, by his attitude towards you.
2. While he doesn’t have feelings for you yet, getting to know the kid can backfire on you. He may not understand it, he may not accept it, it may push a man away. Roughly speaking, he may not be mentally ready for it yet. And even when he asks you, don’t do it. This is the moment when he is going to propose to you!
You are showing him that you are not looking for a father for your child! There is no sense of cage for a man!
Says Sergio, 42 years old. Divorced. He has a daughter.
“The most important thing for a woman is to make a man fall in love with her. When a man falls in love, he will love her child, her mother, and even her father! So instead of filling your head with how he will feel about the baby, it’s important to think about how to make him fall in love with you! If a man loves a woman, then everything else to him is nothing! There’s a proverb that says, “Beloved children are from the woman you love!” That’s right!” I have an acquaintance. He is a good father, but he and his wife are divorced. And he loves his child, so he tries to spend more time with him. And he met a girl. He found out along the way that she also had a child. When I asked him:
– How did you know she was having a baby? – He answered honestly:
– I don’t remember. It didn’t matter to me at the time. I saw at the time that she was so awesome that I didn’t care how many kids she had, even if it was 200.
The most important thing is feelings. What kills feelings? What kills a man’s feelings?
How do you meet a decent man when you have a child?
Of course, you can coo until your child is 18 and then … choose from what is left. But in fact, even with a small child really meet a decent man and if you want to marry him.
Contents of the article “How to meet a decent man, if there is a child?
For guys, a relationship with a girl with a child is no different from a relationship with a girl who doesn’t have a child. Well, except for the opportunity to try out the role of a parent, which is not a barrier. Often women are the ones who create the barrier in their heads of “no one wants you with a child,” and they give up on themselves and raise a little man with the understanding that “your mother has put her whole life on you.
Girls, honey, don’t be like that! When you start dating a normal man, he won’t give a shit how many kids you have. If he likes you, he will accept your offspring adequately.
YOU HAVE A CHILD. Rejoice in that!
Statistically, about 45% of divorced men within the first year of a failed marriage, get married again. It’s easier for them, they don’t have a string of spinoffs following them, no one yelling at every corner: “Take care of the baby, nobody fucking wants you.” What can you do? It’s a tradition that’s been established for centuries. Women need children first and foremost.
In fact, every parent should be equally responsible for the upbringing and maintenance of children. For a normal man this is a matter of course, but those men who are then hunted down by the police to give him a penny to support their own child, they don’t think so.
It’s from such specimens that you get the idea that there are only problems in a relationship with a girl with a child. It’s like, “All women want to hang on me, so poor and miserable, the maintenance and upbringing of their spinster.”
For a girl, dating a man with a child becomes a quest. When to talk about having a child? Looking for a daddy or a husband? Or maybe screw the pissants?
In the first couple of years after a divorce, a woman has to come to her senses, figure out how to raise a child alone and sort herself out. And only then, after you’ve mourned a past relationship, does it make sense to try to meet a man.
Many women see their child as a burden. “If it were not for Mashenka, I would have long ago married a businessman! And if a guy shows up on the horizon, instead of properly preparing for dating, the girl hides the baby until the last moment, just not to scare the man away.
This is fucked up, guys! You already have a baby. It’s not a little dog that can generally survive on the street either, it’s a little living person who depends on you for his or her adulthood. Not only that, but you are legally responsible for it. And you’re willing to trade this man who came out of you for another man with a big pussy because “there must be a man around,” “I’ll prove to my ex that I’m still good for something”? And who would be the winner in such a situation? You? The kid? The man?
You and the baby are already family. And the guy who enters it must decide for himself: is he ready to live under the same roof as the woman he loves and her child, or not? But that’s up to him. You, first and foremost, should think about your own happiness and the comfort of the baby.
The main problems in a relationship with a girl with a child
In communicating with women who have children, you feel a lot of moments that they have not closed. It’s easier to walk away from a problem, to forget, than to solve it. Really?
Mistake #1. Seeking a father, not a husband
Is it worth dating a girl with a baby? For guys, this question is as pressing as “what will I be when I grow up? It’s simple. Women don’t see men as love, support and care, but as breadwinners and fathers to their offspring in the first place. No normal man would buy that.
As long as you’re looking for a father and provider, you’ll come across beggars, tyrants, and the rest of the kunstkamera. As soon as a woman changes her search for a man to herself, the question, “Is it worth dating a girl who has a child?” automatically falls away.
When a girl starts dating a guy simply because she wants a normal relationship, while not hiding the presence of a child, but also not emphasizing it, she wants to be with her. For a man a child is not a hindrance, on the contrary, many believe that a woman with a child is more feminine and beautiful.
Mistake #2. Fail to take care of yourself
It is important to trace the moment when you were too lazy to make up in the morning. When you decided that it will do? That’s where you left all the opportunities to meet a decent man.
Despite the baby, bad weather and falling meteorite, a woman has to take care of herself. It’s necessary first and foremost for you personally, so that as you walk past the storefront you can say, “I’m a pussy!” and proudly raise your head, carrying yourself and your baby as the greatest dignity in the world.
It’s hard to build a relationship with a girl who has a baby when her parade-going hairstyle is a bob and her clothes are a tracksuit. A girl can be a goddess, but underneath all that layer of problems and fucked upness, it’s going to be hard to see.
Yes, there may not be time and money for salons and SPA-days, but a minimum of self-care, a little joy in the form of manicure must be present.
Mistake #3. Longing for your ex-husband.
It is impossible to start something new without finishing the old one. Even if a new man wants to get to know you, literally after a couple of meetings he’ll be fucked by your reverent attitude towards your ex.
That’s why it’s important to get over your divorce: mourn it, complain enough to your girlfriends, put yourself back together again. And only then try to meet the man of your dreams.
There are different ways to survive a divorce. For example, you can go to a psychologist and work through it in therapy. Communication with a specialist to put all the thoughts in order and allow you to harmoniously get out of a moral asshole.
When a normal guy meets a girl with a child, “should I start a relationship?” he decides in the first meeting. It is on them he understands: whether he likes her, whether he is satisfied with her cockroaches, whether he is ready to raise someone else’s child in the future.
And longing for a past relationship can run through your communication a red thread. You can see it and hear it. So deal with the past, and then get into a new relationship.
How do you build communication with a new man?
The worst thing after a divorce is the first date with a man. You have already forgotten how to seduce, and what to do in general on these meetings. What is there to talk about, especially with a grown man? What do people even talk about?
Yes, it’s all scary. But if you feel like you’re ready, go for it. You need to get out there, brush up on your feathers, and I’m not talking about sex right now.
Don’t forget to talk about having a baby. No, you don’t have to think of a way to introduce them right away. The guy just needs to know that you have a baby. And don’t make excuses for not being able to tell him.
– What do you like to do in your spare time? – I don’t know… Spend time with the baby. By the way, I have a baby!
It’s elementary, isn’t it? A man will decide for himself whether such an acquaintance suits him or not. But he has to know about it.
Remember, as long as you are just communicating, your baby is just your baby. You don’t want to pin any baby-related problems on a guy, it all comes off strongly as an imposition of paternity. Believe me, no man is going to be happy with that attitude.
Especially a man needs to get used to the idea that he has met a woman who has a child. You may be his first girlfriend with a child in his life.
You shouldn’t talk only about your child, even if the man asks questions. The main problems in a relationship with a girl with a child occur when she gets hung up on her baby. A woman can talk for hours about how and what the baby is doing and she is not interested in anything else.
Such an obsessive attitude towards the child is alarming. There is a sense that there is no place in your heart for someone else. A man has nothing to do with a girl like this.
Especially don’t dare drag a child into a meeting with a man. Even if he won’t mind. Believe me, if things work out between you two, they’ll have time to get acquainted.
Otherwise, the child may get the impression that every man you meet is a new daddy. Doubtful event, both for the baby and for you.
So don’t get yourself wound up with silly thoughts that it’s impossible to meet a man with a baby. Anything is possible! You just have to believe in yourself, in your beauty and uniqueness.
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