The place of rupture: how a quarrel looks like through the eyes of a man
To think that the happiest couples are those where there is never a quarrel, is quite naive. The main thing is that quarrels are followed by reconciliations, and the parties draw conclusions. But there’s a catch: you often feel like a man is worried about a fight in a different way than you are. How men get over a quarrel with the woman they love, let’s sort it out.
You had a fight – and you went to the bathroom to cry. And he turned on the TV and watches soccer. Do you think men get over an argument with a woman or is he insensitive and doesn’t care? Actually, men worry more than women about relationship problems. They just do it in their own way.
How a man experiences a quarrel: he suffers without intimacy
American researchers suggested what explains the man’s behavior after a quarrel. The main reason for the mental torment of men after a breakup is that the partner is suddenly the only person with whom they communicate so closely.
That is, no matter how good his relationship with his mother and friend, completely open his soul, he can only you. And you, unlike him, are close and frank with your friends, your parents, and your dentist. “It’s easier for a woman to satisfy the need for trusting communication. Most men can do this with difficulty – they are pressured by fear of intimacy, and openness is mistakenly perceived as weakness,” explains psychologist Alexander Kuznetsov. Therefore, men are experiencing a quarrel more difficult.
Be frank and sincere and do not feel like wimps, our favorite can only be with us, because we are for them, so to speak – the weaker sex. And by communication, men do not mean long talks and shocking confessions. They need more support, trust and silent understanding. If you pay attention to how men behave after a quarrel, you can see that they are noticeably lost.
A man experiences a quarrel more strongly because he underestimated the relationship
There is one small but important clarification in the study by sociologists – men experience quarrels and troubles in the couple more strongly, while also enduring the breakup more easily. But, according to observations by transactional analyst Elena Lazarenko, the breakup is not easy for them, because usually they do not even realize the emotional value of the relationship. “From my experience, men more often than women seek psychological help when the affair is over. While in our country they are still much less likely to see a therapist,” she says.
According to psychotherapist, so it happens because men for a long time honestly believe that relationships are needed primarily partner, and hence, to take care of them should she. But when the separation occurs, the behavior of the men after the quarrel shows that for them it is a great surprise that they begin to feel the emptiness. Women, on the other hand, are well aware of the value of the relationship and even exaggerate it.
“It’s not uncommon for men to come to me with this confession: “I’ve fought in hot spots, traveled all over the world. I have a thriving business. I’m not afraid of anything or anyone. But I couldn’t imagine that without her, something like this would happen. Tell me, what’s wrong with me? I thought we would break up and it would all be over. And now I can’t sleep or eat without her! – says Elena Lazarenko. – That is, a man who does not realize and does not recognize their emotional needs, eventually gets into a relationship in which these needs are at least partially met. Quite often this behavior after a quarrel typical of men pleasers, constantly changing women, not allowing with anyone emotional intimacy and deny the need for it.
Difficulty of talking: men often survive quarrels silently.
If we are forbidden to share problems, we will naturally worry about them more. And men are almost unable to talk frankly about their feelings – and it’s not so easy to figure out if men are going through a fight. At least, they don’t talk about feelings as well as we do.
In one episode of Sex and the City, Steve explains to Carrie how much Aidan was going through the fight and breaking up with her: “He wouldn’t get off the couch for a month, and I’d bring him broth and chicken wings.” – “Did he say he was suffering?” – “No, guys don’t talk about things like that. We eat wings in silence!”
And we talk. A lot and a long time. We talk to our girlfriends about his flaws and our own mistakes. It’s easier for us to talk about the relationship and, therefore, get support and relieve stress. “If a woman tells her friends that she broke up or had a fight with her partner, she will at least listen and ask questions. If a man shares his family problems with his buddies, however, most likely he will not get support,” explains Elena Lazarenko. – How does a man survive a quarrel? Friends will offer to go to a club or have a proper drink. Therefore, most men do not talk about their feelings – they are sure in advance that the empathy will not wait. Besides, they want to remain in the role of strong, not needing sympathy superheroes.
How to behave after a quarrel with a man – the path to reconciliation
The ability to compromise largely determines the success of the development of a full-fledged cell of society. How to behave after a quarrel and the right approach to the process of reconciliation, we will talk in today’s article.
On the way to reconciliation
First of all, you should understand that the occurrence of a quarrel is a normal phenomenon in the relationship between a man and a woman. Several factors may play a key role in the emergence of conflicts between you and your young man:
- Differences in the psychology of a man and a woman. In the linguistic parts of the brain, women have 17% more neurons than men. This explains the desire to express emotions through communication. The limit of words spoken by women in a day is 8500. The most wordy ones use about 15000 words. An impressive figure. The limit of communication of the stronger sex is limited to 3500-4000 words. It is important to note that men use communication, exclusively as a means of communication. They prefer to rest in silence, while women need emotional relief;
- It is in the nature of a woman to think and talk about several things at the same time. Men tend to pay attention to a specific problem. Men’s brains are tuned to a specific task, they just can’t take in an unlimited flow of information;
- Women tend to be empathic and pay special attention to their interlocutor’s intonation during conversations. Women tend to make decisions under the influence of emotions, while men are reasonable in their actions;
- Men are very poorly perceived veiled information and do not understand the hints. When talking to him, avoid ambiguity. Express the essence as specifically as possible;
- Male half of humanity is completely helpless in everyday situations. Blame it on spatial reasoning. A young man may be fine in the exact sciences and mechanics, but stubbornly ignore the simple little things of life. For example, a new hairstyle of his girlfriend.
Men’s perception of the world around them is largely different from that of women. But do not argue with nature, because the features inherent in the representatives of different sexes, together perfectly complement each other.
How men usually behave after a quarrel
According to a man’s behavior after a quarrel you can understand a lot about his character. A few simple tips tips tips on what type belongs to your lover:
- The first type are men who prefer to choose a waiting position after a quarrel. Such men are not accustomed to taking the initiative in their own hands, they tend to let the problem go on its own. This behavior is an example of psychological defense against conflict. This way of solving problems is typical for young men, in whose families an authoritarian role was given to the mother. Entering into a relationship with a woman, the young man projects maternal behavior onto his girlfriend, fiancée, wife (underline it);
- The second type of “guilty” loves to shower their chosen one with gifts and flowers. To a certain point, this method arouses a woman in awe. But if a man prefers to smooth the situation with gifts, it is worth thinking! Usually, such men believe that it is easier to buy the location of your beloved, than to listen to another claim. If your boyfriend is of this type, you should think whether he really cares about your feelings?
- The third type includes men who prefer to resolve conflicts within the bedroom. These macho men who need constant affirmation of their own necessity with the help of physical intimacy. They do not like to take on the burden of responsibility and prefer to live the pleasures. Not being able to achieve emotional intimacy with their partner, they replace it with physical intimacy.
- The fourth type of men are characterized by their infantilism. When quarreling prefer to mock the partner, copying her manner. Such men are easy on the rise, it is very difficult to offend them. A controversial situation they translate into jokes, which in some cases, is the best way out of the conflict.
- Finally, the fifth type. Clarification of relations with this type of men is like a meeting of the Congress. They approach problematic issues with the utmost seriousness and can spend hours discussing the best ways to resolve the situation. This behavior is inherent in strong, confident men, who prefer to solve the problem in one fell swoop.
How to behave after a quarrel
The correct behavior of a woman after a quarrel largely determines the success of the relationship. All quarrels sooner or later end and it is important to approach the process of reconciliation competently.
Psychologists advise not to make decisions in the heat of the moment, it is important to give yourself time to “cool down”, because, as they say, “anger is a bad advisor.
Free yourself from negative thoughts
The first step is to calm down and let off steam. The best way to get rid of negative emotions is to keep yourself busy. If you have a hobby, it is time to remember it. Running in the morning, weaving beads, cooking – all this will help vent anger and direct your thoughts in the right direction.
Analyze the situation after the quarrel
After you have calmed down, try to mentally go back to the conflict and analyze the situation. You need to ask the right questions to get the right answers.
Here is a list of questions to think about after an argument:
- What can I do to solve the problem?
- What was I wrong about?
- In what ways can I give in?
- What did he want to say?
- What did I say that might have upset him?
It is important sometimes to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. So you can better understand your man and the reason for his actions.
Set yourself on a positive wave
Psychosomatic – a great thing! From the right mood largely depends on the success of the solution.
Experts say that our brain can not distinguish between real and imaginary, so what we think affects our lives. Allow yourself to dream and set yourself up for the good. But don’t allow yourself to think about what your spouse is doing in a way that’s not appropriate for him or her. It is better to imagine the scenes of a happy life together. This tactic not only improves the mood, but will bring closer the desired scenario of the relationship.
What should be the conversation after a quarrel
Having analyzed the situation, you can step on the path of reconciliation. In this case, it is important to use the right communication tactics. A few simple recommendations will help build the right conversation.
- Make sure that during the conversation nothing distracts you;
- Try to listen to your partner, without interrupting;
- Demonstrate maximum care and tact in the conversation;
- Try not just to listen, but to hear;
- Do not make fun of the young person in any way.
When talking, it is important to describe as much as possible your emotional state at the time of the quarrel. Tell about what offended you. Do not throw accusations, as a rule, this approach will not bring results, and only make the situation worse. Explain your position, speak calmly, to the point.
Do not throw insults! The next time the young man will not be silent, so why bother to show his face. In fact men are not prone to violent displays of emotion, so a constructive dialogue – the best solution on the road to reconciliation.
When it is worth to break up a relationship with a man
Sometimes the best solution to the problem is to break up a relationship with a man. In fact, there are three scenarios for the development of events:
- A husband prone to bad habits. We are not talking about smoking at all. Your man’s addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling is a serious reason to break up with him without hesitation;
- Settling a relationship by force. The saying “Beats, then loves” was invented by women who tend to sacrifice themselves for love. But do you need that kind of love?
- You don’t get caught up in it. Cheating happens for a variety of reasons. But if they are an integral part of the relationship, do not expect a man to change, most likely it will not happen.
In any case, each situation in the relationship between a woman and a man is different. So before you “cut with a fever,” seek advice from a psychologist. Perhaps there is a different way out in a critical situation.
Now you know how to behave after a quarrel with a man. The most important thing is to come to a calm, constructive conversation with your significant other.