Grandma interferes with your grandchildren’s upbringing What to do if grandparents interfere with your children’s upbringing

What to do if your parents interfere with your children’s upbringing

In our country, nuclear families with only parents and children are quite rare. We are used to closely communicating with our parents, many live together, run a household and, accordingly, raise the younger generation. Under such conditions, it is not surprising that grandparents are involved in the process of raising grandchildren . And, of course, they have their own views, which often go against the opinion of the children. What to do if a grandmother interferes in a child’s upbringing? How to avoid conflicts on this basis?

In our article, we will break down the 7 most common problems that arise between the two generations of parents. And we will also tell you what to do if parents interfere in the upbringing of grandchildren.

1. Disagreement in the principles of upbringing.

Mom forbids running around the apartment, and grandma allows it. What should a child do if adults’ opinions contradict each other? What rights does my grandmother have over her grandson? Can his mother overrule him? Most likely, the fidget will take the side of his grandmother, because trample barefoot on the parquet is very fun.

A conflict is brewing between mom and grandma: parental authority is shaken, the child does not consider his mother’s word a priority.

What to do?

What to do if the grandmother prying into the child’s upbringing? Contradictions in the methods of upbringing should be considered point by point. In a situation with running around the apartment, Mom is definitely right. But it is possible that on other issues, grandma’s vision will be more balanced.

Before you have a conflict, you should try to understand each other. It is a good idea to ask the grandmother why she is questioning the decisions of the child’s parents. But the danger of diplomacy is that negotiations may not yield the right results. Then you need to clearly divide the power. To do this, discuss whether the grandmother has the right to bring up, scold or beat the grandchildren – your prohibitions should be strictly observed.

2. the grandmother in the role of mother.

Grandmothers do not parent their grandchildren out of the goodness of their lives. This is what happens when their formally adult children remain immature, infantile.

But there are exceptions when the grandmother considers herself a mother or even the “control center” of the young family. She does not accept the fact that her children are adults and parents themselves, respectively, can do what they think is right.

By taking away the right to parenthood from their children, grandmothers, on the one hand, burden themselves with the burden of old age, and on the other, provoke conflicts.

What to do?

Winning the trust of the older generation is not easy, especially if in the past a person had infantile acts. But everything changes, we do not remain children, maturity comes sooner or later. You can prove the ability to be responsible for your own child, not with words, but with actions. What should you do if your grandmother interferes with your child’s upbringing?

  • Moving to separate housing, if before lived with parents.
  • Refusal to help the young family financially.
  • Refusal of regular help with grandchildren.

But even if the child is actually being raised by a grandmother, you should communicate with her as an equal and clearly delineate the boundaries of her intervention. Her help is very important and welcome, but you should not go overboard. In any case, the legal rights of a grandmother on a grandchild does not compare with the rights of parents. This means that they are responsible for the children.

Learn how to properly educate the child, so that it was you who were the authority for him, not a grandmother or grandfather – free online master class by Dmitry Karpachev “What every parent should know.

Total criticism.

The danger of constant criticism of the actions and decisions of the child’s parents is that this way grandmother devalues them. In doing so, she elevates herself as a more experienced and wiser member of the family. Although there is very little wisdom in the grandmother’s behavior with her grandchildren.

But there is much more harm when criticism turns into nagging: “Your mother does not bake cakes, does not look after you, does not buy candy. The child is disoriented, it turns out his mom is bad?

What to do?

If your parents interfere in the upbringing of grandchildren, then in response to neutral criticism should answer diplomatically, but firmly: “Thanks for the advice, but I’ll think more” or “We’ll do as we decided.

In order not to provoke conflict, it is worthwhile to show grandma that her care and concern is appreciated and welcomed in every way. It is possible that such a move will reduce her desire to criticize everyone and everything.

If, for example, mother-in-law maliciously interferes in the education of the child and conceals the desire to set the child against his mother (unloved daughter-in-law), it will have for some time to distance themselves from the toxic relative. A pause in communication will help them think about whether to engage in such things in the future.

4. Manipulation of age and health.

“I’ll die soon, and you won’t know” is a common manipulation of the elderly. They do suffer from loneliness, they have a lot of free time. But if children and grandchildren for various reasons come rarely, manipulation comes into play.

Bad health and age toxic grandmothers can argue the reluctance to comply with any request, or attempts to impose their opinion on the children.

What to do?

It is worth carefully considering whether it is really manipulation, or grandmother really has something wrong with her health: offer her examination, treatment, recovery. If she refuses – then it does not hurt that much.

By the way, the reason for the manipulation of age and health can also be the fact that grandchildren are uncontrollable, it is difficult to communicate with them, they destroy the house and do not give peace of mind to an elderly person. In this case, you need to take care of their upbringing and ask your grandmother as little as possible to act as a babysitter.

5. Rivalry between grandmothers.

If the child has a complete set of grandparents, there may be a rivalry between them. They fight, of course, for the attention of grandchildren, although, in fact, the rights to it are the same for each grandmother.

  • They are picky about the gifts that the other party gave them.
  • Try to “outbid” by buying a gift more expensive and better.
  • Question how much time grandchildren spend with other grandparents.
  • They get offended if they get less attention.

Grandchildren to be between two fires will not be comfortable, and the conflicts provoked by this “cold war”, worsen the psycho-emotional atmosphere in the family.

What to do?

If both sides of the parents interfere in the education of grandchildren, then there will have to perform wonders of diplomacy and try to reconcile the belligerent. It is desirable to distribute the time that grandchildren spend with their grandparents evenly.

As for gifts, trips, and entertainment, the principle of “knowing less, sleeping better” applies here. To overcome the rivalry between grandmothers will help firm neutrality and assurances that grandchildren love them equally.

6. Help and rebuke.

Young parents sometimes have to ask grandmothers to babysit grandchildren . For example, if my mother goes to work, and the garden did not work or the child is often sick.

If the relationship between relatives is good, mutual assistance is the order of the day. But it also happens that, doing a favor, the older generation does not miss the opportunity to mention how much they help.

Sometimes this escalates into direct recriminations. It creates a feeling of entrapment, of hopelessness – it is impossible to do without the help of a toxic grandmother, but it is also extremely difficult to endure her outbursts.

What to do?

We give birth to children not for the toxic grandmothers, but for themselves. So if we have to go to their parents to look after their grandchildren, we must be prepared for some resistance.

Not everyone has the courage to refuse to help their own children. But to comply with their request and regularly sit with his grandson grandmother does not want to. This is how recriminations are born. Their goal:

  • To remind them how much effort goes into this kind of help;
  • Hint that it is time to call it a day and find a nanny (take the child to the garden);
  • To express annoyance (without any background).

If the toxic grandmother is prying into the child’s upbringing, there is only one way out – to resolve the issue of looking after the child without her involvement.

7. Excessive praise and bias.

As an American proverb says, no cowboy gets his colt faster than a grandfather gets his grandchild’s picture.

It’s great to be proud of your grandson and to be happy about his successes. But it is bad if grandma raises her grandson in an atmosphere of worship. Exaggerates victories and underestimates misdeeds. She has a biased attitude, “Our Pavlik is the best!” There is no educational value in it, but a lot of harm.

The child quickly becomes accustomed to outright flattery, and does not quite adequately perceive himself. He develops self-centeredness, insistence, tantrums, if another pseudo-achievement was not appreciated.

What to do?

Demand objectivity from the elderly, who found a source of love and positive emotions in their grandchildren, useless. It is better to gradually cool their ardor and contain their enthusiasm with fair comments: “Yes, the baby is good, but we do not allow him to draw porridge on the table.”

If this does not help, we will have to concentrate on the child: to prevent the development of egocentrism and build a healthy self-esteem. The principle of balance will help – parents should balance the abundance of praise with a sober assessment of the child’s achievements.

Swedish writer Frederick Backman wrote in one of his books, “If you have a grandmother, consider that you have a whole army.

Don’t deprive grandmothers and grandchildren of communication because of disagreements that arise over parenting issues. Any conflict can be resolved peacefully if you remember that you are not strangers to each other. Patience and wisdom to each of you!

Grandmother interferes in the child’s upbringing: What to do?

Some grandmothers interfere in your child’s parenting even when you don’t need their help. They tell you what to do. What techniques to use with your child. And how to bring him up.

Because of this, there are often disagreements between mothers and grandmothers. This is because girls and their parents have different views on raising a child. And different approaches.

We will tell you what to do if a grandmother is trying to raise a child in parallel with you. And we will tell you how to get rid of this phenomenon.

“Types of interference” by grandmothers

Levels of interference in the upbringing of children by grandmothers can vary. Let’s look at them.

Grandma guest

One of the most family-friendly “intervention types” of grandmothers is the “grandmother-guest.” This is referred to as moms who occasionally visit their daughters at home. And hardly interfere in the process of raising their child.

If the grandmother-guest behaves decently in your home (does not insult, scold or criticize the child), then you are very lucky. You won’t have any problems with her.

However, there are situations when even grandmother-guests impose their opinions on all members of the family. And they try to educate the child during his stay in your home in their own way.

To prevent pressure on the child from the grandmother-guest, talk to her. Ask her not to interfere in the parenting process except in those situations where the child begins to behave inappropriately. For example, crying for no reason. Or is capricious, trying to manipulate you.

Nanny-Granny

Type of “nanny-granny” occurs only when you go from maternity leave to work. And ask my mother to sit with my grandson.

If you put the child to raise a grandmother for a long period, then be prepared for a change in his behavior pattern. If the child will be a long time to live with his grandmother, he will adjust to her rules:

  1. He will eat only the food she prepares for him.
  2. He will follow the daily routine set by her.
  3. He will react to different situations the way she taught him.

Get ready for the fact that, over time, the child will listen only to grandmother. And you in his eyes may lose his authority.

To avoid problems in the upbringing, it is recommended to talk to his mother. Explain what tactics you used during the upbringing of the child. And ask your grandmother not to depart from it.

Also, try to spend as much time as possible with your child. Sit with him or her after work. Go out for walks. Go to a cafe.

Your task is to make sure that your child continues to see you as an authority even if he spends most of the day with his grandmother.

Grandma Hostess

The “grandmother-in-law” type is common in those families who live close to their parents. For example, in the same entryway. Or even in the same apartment.

If you live in such conditions, then soon grandmother may begin to take over from you the initiative. Begin to come home often. Washing dishes, cooking, cleaning, and imposing her rules on everyone in the family.

This will provoke the following problems:

  1. The child will become non-self-sufficient. Because the grandmother will do everything for him: fold things, clean the room, make the bed and so on.
  2. The child will be brought up “like a girl. Only a father can make a man out of a boy. But not grandma and mom.
  3. To prevent excessive pressure from the grandmother-owner, you should not allow her to become the leader of your family. Either your husband or you should be in charge.
  4. Each must attend to their own duties. You should clean, iron, cook, and only rarely ask for help from grandma. Transfer all household chores on her not necessary.

How to change your grandmother’s misbehavior?

If your grandmother will not behave properly in relation to the child, it can end badly. Chad’s self-esteem will be lowered. Also, he will feel abandoned.

Don’t worry! You can change the situation. There are a number of things you can do.

Method #1: If the grandmother insults and humiliates the child, keep her from communicating with her

Restricting communication with the child is a very effective measure to influence the grandmother. It should be resorted to if she:

  1. Humiliates the child.
  2. Talks mean things to a child.
  3. Turns the child against the parents.
  4. Beats the child.
  5. Lowers the child’s self-esteem.

Or commits other corrupting actions in relation to the child.

The essence of the method is that you, as a punishment, prohibit grandmother to communicate with the child. Or minimize the time of cohabitation with her.

Over time, the grandmother will realize that she was behaving inappropriately. And she will communicate with the child in a more restrained way.

With some types of grandmothers, verbal restriction of communication may also work. However, there are situations where it is not so simple. For example, nanny grandmothers and grandmothers who are housekeepers won’t be able to let the child go so easily. They will still try to influence him.

There is only one way to limit communication with these types of grandmothers. By moving to live in a different neighborhood. Or even the city.

If you limit your grandmother’s communication with your child, over time she will start acting nice again. And she won’t try to change the way your family lives.

Method #2: Boycott your grandmother.

You can also deal with your grandmother’s misbehavior by boycotting her. The essence of this method is as follows:

  1. Grandma does something wrong.
  2. You organize her boycott. Do not talk for a certain amount of time. For example, two days, weeks or even months.
  3. You wait until the grandmother apologizes.
  4. After the apology, you resume communication with her again.
  5. Boycotting will help the grandmother understand that she made a mistake in communicating with the child.

Method #3: Talk to Grandma

The easiest way to get out of a conflict is to talk to the grandmother. And explain your position to her.

Sit down at the table. Pour your grandmother some tea. And start a conversation.

Ask your grandmother to get into your position. Explain exactly what she is doing wrong. And ask her to correct the situation.

Conduct the conversation in a friendly manner. So that your grandmother understands that you respect her. And you want to resolve the issue in a mature way. Without offending each other.

Remember that grandma may not behave inappropriately out of spite.

Many parents think that grandma yells and scolds the child out of anger. Or because she doesn’t love him. But she doesn’t.

Grandmothers want to help their children. And do whatever it takes to make them happy. And content with life.

However, not every grandmother is able to bring up her child correctly. Some make mistakes during this process.

Why do grandmothers devote an unhealthy amount of attention and effort to raising their grandchildren?

Let’s understand the reasons why grandmothers give an excessive amount of attention to their grandchildren.

Lack of attention from their own children

Some grandmothers begin to give their grandchildren an unhealthy amount of attention because they become indifferent to their own children.

Everyone needs love and support.

When an older woman has neither, she begins to look for the source of happiness herself. And she finds it in her grandson.

After which she begins to give him an excessive amount of attention.

The need for respect

Grandmothers begin to actively care for the child for a reason. Their main goal is to get respect from the grandchild.

The child listens to all the advice of the grandmother. He enjoys doing things with her. And listens to her in everything.

If your grandmother makes no mistakes in her upbringing and stays out of your family’s business, treat her with respect

There are situations when the grandmother is good at raising a child. And does not interfere in the internal affairs of your family.

In order for your grandmother to be happy to sit with your grandson, you need:

  1. Treat her respectfully.
  2. Correctly ask your grandmother to babysit your child. Remember that you are family. Not the boss and the babysitter.
  3. Thank her for babysitting. It is desirable to do it every day. So that grandmother understands that it is not her duty to sit with the child. But a pleasant pastime, which she herself has chosen.
  4. Periodically give grandmother gifts for sitting with the child. Gifts will motivate your grandmother to keep her busy with your grandson. Gifts can be absolutely anything. As insignificant (for example, a chocolate bar or a package of chocolates) or expensive (such as a multicooker, TV or smartphone).
Conclusion

Hopefully, your grandmother will have a good time with your child. And there will be no problems with her.

And if you don’t want to ruin your relationship with your grandmother, then hire a babysitter. She will listen to your every recommendation. And will raise the child the way you personally want.

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