Got cold to her husband, what to do

“I’ve fallen out of love with my husband” – family psychologist tells how to get feelings back for your husband

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A story that, alas, is not uncommon: date-flash, romance-passion, wedding, birth of a child and suddenly… “something happened.” It seems that nothing special happened, and feelings are lost somewhere in a few years of marriage. And the man seems to be the same – with the same advantages and disadvantages, but now … does not attract to him anymore, as before. There is no feeling of shortness of breath when he leaves and no feeling of overpowering joy when he returns home. Where do feelings go after marriage, and how do you open a second breath for your love?

COLADY will tell you how to bring love back into a married couple’s relationship. But first things first.

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Why have lost feelings for her husband – sort out the reasons

Before you think – to return or not to return feelings for her husband, it is necessary to understand – why and at what stage of life they were lost. Reasons for falling asleep (dying) love, do not change at all times:

  • Adolescent maximalism (“I’ll never meet anyone better!”) and gradual “epiphany” after marriage – “I think I bet on the wrong horse.
  • Marriage as a forced necessity due to pregnancy, not a mutual desire.
  • Marriage at an early age.
  • “The fire went out because no one was tossing wood” . Family life became just a habit. Desires to give in, to please, to surprise are far in the past. In the present – routine without a hint of a spark between them.
  • Accumulated resentments. He did not help with the baby, he thinks only about work, he did not give me flowers for a long time, he does not protect me from his mother, etc.
  • Infidelity of the husband, which it is impossible to forgive and forget.
  • Missing male attractiveness (and manhood).
  • Husband does not want to have children.
  • Husband fell under the influence of the “green snake”.
  • Loss of understanding or trust.

Instruction on how to return feelings to her husband – finding marital happiness again

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Of course, if something happened in the family that can neither be forgiven nor justified, it will be very difficult to glue the family boat. To restore the feelings towards the betrayer, cheater or alcoholic is a fantastic task. Although, it is worth noting that many families successfully overcome difficulties and, shaking up the relationship, start from scratch. And what if even the thought of divorce seems blasphemous, and these old feelings for her husband catastrophically lacking?

  • For starters, don’t make hasty decisions and don’t jump to conclusions like “Love is dead!” True love is not an infatuation, it takes years to build and, even if it has fallen asleep for a while, it can still “rise from the ashes”.
  • Every family has periods of mutual alienation. Everyone goes through this. The so-called test of strength – time, difficulties, character clashes, the birth of children, etc. Such periods usually occur in the second year of family life and after “five years”. After 5-6 years of married life the couple usually “get used to” each other, and all disputes and misunderstandings are in the past. If nothing extraordinary happens, this union – until old age.
  • Get to know yourself. What are you missing? What went wrong and from what point? Until you figure out the reason, it will be difficult to change the situation.
  • If the habits of a spouse who seemed nice, suddenly became annoying – it’s not his fault, and your new perception of reality. It was not him who “lost his virility”, and you have ceased to see it. Maybe you just do not give him a chance to prove himself?
  • Accept for yourself the fact that your depression and sense of “chief, all gone!” will soon pass. This is a temporary phenomenon and a natural stage in the development of the relationship. The law of nature is a “Russian roller coaster” from passion to indifference, from irritation to a sudden attack of love hunger. One day you will come to the realization that next to your husband, you are comfortable, calm and do not need anything else.
  • The grandiose mistake is to live separately after a quarrel or “check feelings. In this case, the misunderstanding remains an unresolved problem. Either it will sweep away the remnants of your feelings with a snow avalanche, or it will simply melt away without a trace along with your love. Remember that on a physical level, feelings (without “feeding” and development) begin to die out after 3 months of separation (a law of nature). Fear – to lose each other – disappears with separation. But there is a habit – to live without domestic problems, quarrels and “other people’s” opinion.
  • If your feelings are oppressed by routine and monotony, think – how to change the situation? Family traditions – it’s great, but family “rituals” often become “cumbersome suitcase,” which I want to just throw out of the balcony: the usual sex after midnight to the TV series, the usual eggs in the morning, with work – to the stove, “buy crackers for beer, dear, today soccer” etc. Tired? Change your life. Life is built of little things, and it’s up to you to decide whether they will bring pleasure or poison your existence. Stop drinking tea and sandwiches at home in the morning – grab your husband under the arm and go have breakfast in a cafe. Do not wait for the night performance of marital duty, as hard labor – remember what and where you were doing before the wedding. Take a “sick leave” and get a hotel room. In short, give up old habits and live a new life. Every day of your life.
  • Don’t forget that your husband is your family man. And you can even talk to him. And most likely, he will understand you, and together with you try to change life for the better. Do not miss the opportunity for dialogue. Talk about what you want to change, what colors are missing in your family life, how you want to drink coffee, go to bed, make love, relax, etc. Don’t complain that you feel bad with him – talk about what you need to make it good.
  • Has it been a long time since he gave you flowers? No declarations of love? Doesn’t pat his head when he walks by? Doesn’t call you from work once in a while to say he misses you? First of all, this is normal for people who have been living together for a long time. This does not mean that feelings have died down – just that the relationship has moved to another level. And secondly, how long ago did you call him yourself to tell him that you missed him? When was the last time you made a nice surprise? When did you even dress up at home just for him, your lover?
  • Throw everything – work, friends, embroidery classes, and the dogs and kids – at the cottage to grandma, for 2-3 weeks. Book a tour where you can shake up your feelings. Not just lying on the beach and crunching shrimp with a glass of wine, and that my heart sizzled with delight, my knees were shaking, and happiness washed over your head when you take the hand of her husband. Shake off the routine from you and your family. It’s time to remember what happiness is.
  • Change everything! Without novelty life is dull and boring. And boredom kills feelings. Change the furniture and menu for the week, change the road to work, mode of transport, hair, image, handbags, hobbies, and even if necessary, work. By the way, it is often work is a “red button”: tiredness and dissatisfaction from work is projected onto family life, and it seems that “all bad. In general – change yourself!
  • The view of the husband at home and the view of the husband outside the home are “two big differences.” A man who goes “out into the world” changes before his eyes, awakening all the forgotten feelings. This is not the good old husband in sweatpants on the couch with a cup of tea and a bag of gingerbread, and a man who is “still ho-ho,” which the girls look around, from whom excites the smell of expensive perfume, and when you look at him there is a feeling of pride – “He is mine. So throw their home tea-drinking sessions near the TV and make a habit – to spend the evenings with his spouse extraordinarily. To be memorable. Good, the options – the sea.
  • Find a hobby for two. Something from which you both come to love – fishing, sailing, go-karting, dancing, photography, cinema, swimming, etc.
  • Go on a trip. If, of course, the children can already be left alone or with grandparents. In a car or “tourists”, just the two of them, making an interesting route in advance.
  • Already reconciled to the loss of feelings for his spouse? And you continue to live by inertia, feeling sorry for yourself and harassing your husband with his sour face? Maybe you are just comfortable in a state of perpetual moping? There are people like that. Who feels good only when everything is bad. Then life becomes more interesting, and even dreary poems are written at night. If you’re one of these “creative” people, look for another reason to suffer. Otherwise, this game of “where left the love” ends with the fact that her husband will pack a suitcase and wave goodbye to you.

Comments psychologist Sergei Musin

Sergey Musin

Love was passing by…

I’ll start with the good news. If love passes, goes away, then it was. Feelings disappear, usually for one reason. You stopped listening, hearing and understanding the man with whom you seemed ready to live happily ever after. He, too, by the way, has forgotten. The result: everyone has their own world, their own interests, joys and sorrows. We want to be like before. And it’s real, if you take a few simple steps.

How to get back feelings for your husband – a guide for wives:

  1. What was it like, “like it used to be”? What was going on when love was around? What events, actions of your loved one and yours filled each day with love? Take a piece of paper, divide it into three parts – I, HE. WE and in each box write what you did, what he did, and what you did together that was wonderful. At least seven examples. Now you know for sure that Love is something you do for each other.
  2. It would be good to ask your man to fill out the same chart. If he agrees, that’s great. So he, like you, dreams of getting back the relationship in which you were his Princess and he was your Knight and protector. Compare what matched? What was surprising? It may be that for him, love is when you, in the evening, sitting in a nearby cafe, and you treated him to a slice of tiramisu of your dessert. You’ve forgotten… but he remembers. It’s love for him.
  3. Exchange some leaves. Now you have a cheat sheet of what you can do for him to bring trust, understanding and love back into the relationship. He has, too, your desires, your dreams.
  4. At least once a week, fulfill one of your partner’s wishes. Treat it not as a duty, but as an opportunity to return love to the relationship. Agree, the result is worth it.
  5. Take note of the reciprocal steps. They may not be perfect. But he is trying. So next time it will be better. Support, thank, advise – because that’s what Princesses do. For this Knights are ready to perform feats.
  6. Find, together, three events from the column WE and let them become part of your life again. Love is always “WE”. Common interests, desires, goals. Even if the goal is to sit in the evening with popcorn in front of the TV and watch your favorite movie. Love doesn’t go away instantly. And it doesn’t come back in a minute. In small, but very important steps.

And most importantly: answer the question – and you can live without your husband? Imagine that you are separated. Forever. Can you do that? If the answer is no, then you need a break and a change of scenery. Chances are you’re just tired and see everything in black, including your relationship. Well, if the answer is yes, then apparently your family boat is beyond repair. Because true love doesn’t involve even the thought of breaking up.

Have you ever had to repair your love for your husband? Share with us in the comments!

What to do if you’ve fallen out of love with your husband

One morning a woman wakes up with the clear realization that she no longer loves her spouse. Everything in his behavior causes irritation, sexual desire has disappeared without a trace, and even the thought of intimacy causes disgust. Fights arise from nothing, and does not give rest to the thought: “Is it really love is gone?

Signs that the marriage is outdated.

  1. Lack of sex . If you’re not having sex – the problem is obvious. It is sexual intimacy distinguishes marital relationship from any other. In a couple must be a place for physical contact: kissing, hugging, bedtime pleasures.
  2. You have nothing to talk about . If you do not want to share with his spouse their problems and joys, think about whether you even want to talk to him? Lack of heartfelt talk is an important sign that the relationship is ending.
  3. You are together and at the same time apart. It would seem that there is not more than a meter between you, but in fact between you a gulf.
  4. Inner Voice . Our intuition is quick to react when something is wrong in a relationship. We are used to listening to the voice of reason, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to listen to the voice of the heart, which very subtly senses those moments to which the mind does not respond.

Why feelings fade

Love Fades – #1.

Very rarely do couples manage to maintain feelings throughout their lives. There are several reasons why a wife has no feelings for her husband. And each of them can manifest itself at different stages of life together:

  1. After marriage. Before the Mendelssohn march has played, the lovers see only good in each other. When married life begins, falling in love begins to gradually recede, especially if the newlyweds have not lived under the same roof before. This is due to everyday life and the improper distribution of responsibilities. Petty quarrels on domestic grounds can kill feelings.
  2. The first year. In the first year of existence of a new cell of society, newlyweds get to know each other better, and flaws become evident.
  3. The second year. The spouse ceases to seem ideal and the woman sees more and more negative qualities. The behavior of the beloved, his manner of speaking, movements begin to cause irritation. More and more often there are quarrels over nothing, and often the reason for the scandal is a financial issue.
  4. Year Three. The first crisis in relations occurs in this year. Spouses often quarrel; there are discrepancies in their mutual views. Psychologists call the third year of family life a turning point, and many people divorce during this period.

After a quarrel – № 2.

Constant scandals are often the reason why the love for the husband passes . If a married couple is constantly fighting, even the calmest person will get tired of it. Another aspect is resentment. During the conflict the spouse will express his/her discontent, and undoubtedly offend his/her spouse. Such a moral insult does not contribute to the strengthening of feelings.

A small quarrel will have no effect on the cooling of feelings, but if this happens every day, and resentments pile up, the next conflict may be the end of the relationship.

After the baby is born – #3.

When a couple has a baby, it becomes a serious challenge for the family . It doesn’t matter at all how many years the couple has been together. Undoubtedly a child is a great joy, but the happiness of its appearance is marred by everyday problems and increased costs. In addition, the newborn requires constant attention, which leaves no time for her husband.

As a rule, men are rarely actively involved in education, so wives are often unhappy that they do not help and do not pay proper attention. A young mother feels constantly tired, she does not feel the support of a loved one. As a result, the love begins to fade.

Other Options – #4.

Different women’s feelings fade for different reasons. Other options for why love for her husband goes away include the following:

  • Monotony, lack of romance, boredom . The marriage turns into a simple roommate in a communal apartment ;
  • spiritual alienation . Spouses no longer want to get to know each other, so it makes no sense to continue the relationship;
  • Interference in the life of outsiders. Parents of the husband or wife are constantly prying with their advices, teaching how to live correctly, bring up children, run the household. It is good if the couple lives separately from their parents, but if they have to live with the older generation together, then the family is doomed to collapse;
  • Tyranny on the part of the spouse. If the man is overbearing and works in a supervisory position, he often transfers the relationship model to his family. This can manifest itself in exaggerated demands to the spouse, a dismissive attitude, an orderly tone;
  • Cheating. When the spouse goes “left,” it hits a woman’s ego hard. The wife gets a stab in the back from the man she loves, and so she ceases to have fond feelings for him. If a representative of the fair sex herself is having an affair on the side, it usually indicates that she no longer loves her partner.

Fallen out of love or just tired?

To understand whether the love is gone forever, it is very difficult. Often the spouse is just tired of household problems, raising children, work. Time for myself and my lover does not remain. But this does not mean that love is gone forever, just that the relationship needs a reset, and return love to the relationship is possible.

But if you see one or more of the following signs, there is a serious reason to think:

  1. The wife no longer wants to take care of her life partner , surprise him with culinary delights, reckon with him when choosing a movie or a vacation option.
  2. Indifference to the other half’s activities. The woman is not interested if her beloved has eaten dinner, if he wore clean clothes, how he got to work. The same can be said about his work, hobbies, goals and aspirations.
  3. The wife doesn’t take care of herself for her spouse. She is no longer interested in what he has to say about her appearance, hairstyle, or lack of makeup. She no longer has a desire to please him.
  4. The desire to spend more time away from home. Representative of the fair sex more and more often stays at work, goes to visit friends or goes to her parents.
  5. Thoughts of adultery . The woman willingly flirts with other men and allows the thought of being in bed with one of the suitors.

If a woman notices several of these signs in herself, she needs to admit that the love in the relationship is gone.

Gone is the love for her husband: VIDEO tips from a psychologist!

What to do if you have lost feelings for your husband? In this situation, psychologists offer only two options for the development of events:

  1. Stay and try to revive the faded feelings.
  2. Divorce.

What decision the woman will take depends on the specific situation. This can be influenced by many factors, including the length of marriage, the presence of children and other deterrent reasons. When there is no certainty, it is necessary to listen to the advice of psychologists:

  1. Change of scenery – go on vacation to the seaside or a country you’ve long wanted to visit, relax in nature or buy a trip to a sanatorium. Spending time together in an unfamiliar environment will give your feelings another chance.
  2. Develop . Find a new hobby or work on your new look.
  3. Live apart . Absence of a spouse will give an opportunity to understand if it’s bad or good without your spouse. And this concerns not only the financial issue, but also the education of children.

How to save a marriage and fall in love again.

If, after weighing up all the “pros” and “cons” you decide to save the relationship, first of all analyze the behavior of your man. If you see that he loves you, then to save the family will be easier. But here it is important to act together, otherwise nothing will work.

Talk frankly with your partner and take stock of life together:

  • Write down what you have accomplished together and what your goals are for the future;
  • Solve all issues together;
  • List each other’s pros and cons;
  • exchange notes and analyze what you have written;
  • During the conversation listen to each other;
  • Pay more attention to your spouse;
  • Trust and be sincere;
  • Spend more free time together.

In addition, it does not hurt to go together with your chosen one to see a psychologist. The family analyst will help you find the root of the problem and suggest ways to solve it. Take a test and find out what the chances are to return your husband

Divorce and maiden name

Despite all attempts to return love to your spouse you continue to feel hatred for him? In this case, there is no point in torturing each other. The best solution is a divorce.

Talk seriously with your partner, tell him that you no longer love him and do not want to hurt yourself or him. Calmly pack your things and move out. Talk about how you share jointly acquired property, who the child will live with, how the father will participate in his upbringing in moral and material terms.

There is no need to break up with a scandal. Just firmly and convincingly explain that further life together is impossible. Show respect for your spouse, remember all the good things, but summarize that at some point everything went wrong. Therefore, it is time to change your life.

It is possible that the man will try to talk you out of it, promise to change. But you need to be firm in your decision . You still will break up, but the next time you will not be able to keep friendly relations. Well, if you have the opportunity to go to another apartment, to your parents or to rented accommodation. Do not hesitate to pack your bags and leave. Procrastinate parting makes no sense. Husband should understand that you are serious.

Do not think that after all the problems associated with the divorce process, you can easily have a new affair. With a new beau will happen a similar situation – at first the candy-boquet period, and then a succession of gray everyday life. Remember that, according to statistics, each subsequent husband is worse than his predecessor. So still try to focus his energy on improving the relationship with his spouse, than to create a new family.

If you doubt that your love for your husband is dead forever, and you think there is hope left in your heart to reboot your relationship with the man with whom you had many good things, watch a video by one of the independent professional psychologists:

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