Destructive jealousy: how to get rid of destructive feelings in a relationship
The poison that ruins the soul and the body. This is how pathological jealousy was described in ancient Greece. According to research by Sapienza University of Rome, jealous people often suffer from severe stomach pain, weakness, insomnia and anxiety attacks. It is difficult for such people to build healthy relationships and exist harmoniously in society. Where does the feeling of jealousy come from and how to get rid of it?
The concepts of “healthy” and “unhealthy” jealousy are known to many. But if the first in some way warms up the relationship and leads them to tone, the second kills respect and built over years of trust. For example, when a man sees someone openly flirting with his wife, and calmly expresses his feelings – it’s normal. It is quite another thing if he is constantly checking his wife’s phone, controls the length of her skirt.
In society, there is a perception of such behavior as care and love, but in fact at the heart of such jealousy hides a number of psychological problems and deep trauma.
Jealous – means he loves?
At the heart of unhealthy jealousy is always fear, insecurity and low self-esteem. A person is constantly afraid to be “unchosen,” to be worse than others, to be alone. Another reason for a sense of rivalry may be selfish attitudes: for example, a partner is considered a trophy, some indicator of success. In this case, a man can use a woman to confirm his own importance. And the manifestation of attention to her from others will be perceived extremely aggressively.
The origins of jealousy, like most psychological neurosis, can be found in childhood. Perhaps, as a child, the person experienced the divorce of his parents, afraid of losing his dad or mom forever. Also, loved ones may have instilled in him, “you can’t trust anyone” or “all men cheat.” It is important to remember that pathological jealousy – an indicator of internal problems of the person himself, not his partner. This is a destructive feeling, which has nothing to do with love.
Signs of pathological jealousy
To solve the problem, you need to recognize it. And to do this, you need to be able to distinguish between healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy. Here are a few signs that may indicate that the feeling is over the line.
This includes tracking your partner’s social media activity. Unsubstantiated accusations of flirting, socializing or connecting with others. And also the construction in the head of possible scenarios, where and with whom the other half can be, while there are no obvious reasons to doubt her fidelity.
When a person hides his jealousy, he does not give himself the right to emotion. In this case, a protective mechanism of passive aggression can turn on. Its manifestations can be seen in sarcasm, manipulation and toxic comments about the partner.
An extreme degree of jealousy is expressed by a desire for complete control over another person’s life. No one has the right to read personal correspondence, to forbid communication with certain people, or to tell you what length of clothing to wear. Such behavior is unacceptable in a healthy relationship.
How to get rid of jealousy
First of all, you need to understand that unhealthy jealousy is a set of psychological problems with which it is impossible to cope on your own. As with any trauma or pathology, a jealous person should contact a specialist to find the root causes and eliminate them.
Some people doubt the need for such a visit. Perhaps the reason is a negative experience from the past. Therefore, when choosing a psychologist or psychiatrist, you should pay attention to the following factors.
Often people tend to look only at the presence of a diploma. However, in our country, many specialists with higher education practice esoteric methods. Such “treatment” will not lead to good results. When choosing a specialist, see what he bases his work on: research, analysis, scientific basis or his own judgment.
A good psychologist studies the problem in depth. Because of this, he can understand whether the patient needs to be referred to other specialists. For example, the cause of some psychological problems is sometimes a hormonal malfunction. In this case, treatment should be prescribed only after consultation with an endocrinologist.
The cost of
Good does not mean expensive. Decide how much money you can allocate, and look for a psychotherapist within your means. Look at the specialist’s website and reviews of the specialist. Think about whether you will be comfortable around such a person.
For the jealous person, therapy will provide answers to the questions: “What exactly am I afraid of? Why is it so unbearable for me?” Look for the root of the problem in personal complexes and trauma together with a specialist.
Get rid of jealousy: study the question
In fact, then, if you, entering into a relationship, have not yet grown as a person, do not know how to be independent and autonomous, then you will depend on your partner and his mood, which can greatly ruin your life. Unfortunately, an effective cure for jealousy is often breaking up with a loved one and starting to find your own self and your own way before finding a fulfilling, painful jealousy-free relationship again.
I agree, jealousy has nothing to do with love. I can tell you from my own experience, one of the reasons for this feeling is low self-esteem. You need to work on yourself and develop.
I think the main reason for jealousy – this is an inferiority complex. It is with him and need to fight! Love yourself, appreciate yourself and get rid of jealousy. It spoils the pure feeling of love.
In any case, jealousy can not strengthen love, sooner or later it will irritate the jealous man.
I often face jealousy attacks. I am afraid to go to a psychologist, but this article helped me to get rid of this disease. Finally, my young man and I have joyful moments, as in the beginning of the relationship.
I consider myself a jealous person. And really, except for the torment and suffering, it brings nothing else. And that’s all, just not enough attention. It is good advice, you need to talk to your partner about this situation. Perhaps he will treat this problem with understanding and will be more attentive. The main thing is to feel confident in the relationship.
I know about jealousy firsthand. My verdict is unequivocal – jealousy poisons both of us. And if, as this article says, you work on yourself, the relationship can still be saved. For me, unfortunately, it ended at the second point of the preliminary stage. The young man knew that he was jealous, but he didn’t want to look for the reason in himself, he looked for it in me. And every time this search did not end well.
It is difficult for me to get rid of jealousy, even of my chosen one’s past, but I try not to offend my boyfriend with questions and suspicions.
It is already a plus that you do not offend with questions and suspicions.
My husband cheated for a year with a woman 10 years younger than him. When I found out about it, he told me he was staying home. But he did not break off the relationship. When I found out about it again, he swore on his cross that hung around his neck. And when I made a printout of the phone calls, he said that during the vows, he was holding on to it. He stayed home again. I used to trust him in everything and never controlled him. Now all mistrust and jealousy. Although he says nice words and that he loves me. But I have distrust and jealousy.
A similar situation. I trusted before, and he was meeting with girls on his way home, spending time with them, not answering my calls… Now I cannot get rid of jealousy and mistrust. So today the situation repeated itself… He didn’t answer the phone for two hours late at night, then he called back. Said he’d stopped by a friend’s house. And he came from the other side… And immediately got tired and went to sleep. He met me on the road, but he turned it around like I was sick and he was … Who cares where he was coming from … And how can I trust him? If the phone does not keep silent from the sms, sits on sites of erotic massage, sex without commitment, etc.
Girls, are you out of your mind. What is there “trust”?! Run from such “men”. Sorry, of course, for the harsh comment, but I’m shocked. Men wipe their feet about you, and you put up with it.
I have the same story, I do not know how to be and what to do (
Thanks for the advice, I have been tormented by this feeling for 2 weeks now. Now I know what to do.
He has been tormented for 2 weeks … almost his whole life. I have read all this and done it myself, but nothing comes out. It seems to me that I will be alone all my life.
I am very jealous of my girlfriend on nothing. We are at a distance, and it weighs me down. My imagination paints terrible pictures. How can I overcome this in myself? What is the specific reason for this behavior. It already caused us to break up once. But I got her back. I love her, that’s for sure. And sincerely, not cheated, not betrayed. I would like to understand what the reason is in me and how to fight it.
And what to do if a man purposely causes and fuels jealousy? He says that I am alone, that he loves me, then at 2 a.m. he adds a friend without a photo of a woman and does not explain why he works on the road, like a husband for an hour and comes home at 2 a.m.? Explains that he’s repairing something, but who’s repairing what at this hour? It’s horrible.
Ohhhh. I know jealousy firsthand. Jealousy is a trait of my character and I am jealous of almost everyone. All of my ex-partners have used it and purposely made me jealous. Just for fun, but I wasn’t the least bit amused. I suffered a lot because of it and couldn’t do anything about it. I did not know how and could not cope with this terrible feeling. Now I am in love with a man. He doesn’t refuse to kiss me, and sometimes he comes on to me himself. But he doesn’t know how I feel. I’m jealous of him of everyone. And especially my girlfriends. I’m very afraid that they will become friends and leave me. Maybe it’s all in my head. But I have reason to suspect it. I am literally sick with jealousy, getting angry and upset when my friends and my lover just communicate. I don’t know what to do myself.
To be frank, I’m a jealous person… And, as has been said here, jealousy has nothing to do with love, but then why do we get jealous and feel bad when our loved ones are attached to us? Whether it is a guy or a girl… It means that we are just afraid of losing them and do not want them to leave us for others and that is why we react to it like this… Because there is nothing to do except to be angry, and you yourself see how your beloved (a girl) does not want to understand you and see your condition in order to say: “Do not get upset, I just communicate with them, but I love you and will not exchange you for anyone else…” People create their own problems! I would like to add that I once watched a documentary on YouTube about people who were convicted of atrocious crimes, and I thought to myself, they will never get out of there, and no women will love them – no one needs them anymore! And though I am a jealous man, and it causes me pain and suffering-but I am a free Man! And I have arms and legs, I am not handicapped and I can go anywhere, sit in a cafe, go for a walk even by myself, the main thing – it’s Freedom! And to find a man who will love you, it’s a matter of chance! Good luck to all!
We work together, and I am jealous of my man to one lady, I think he shows her a lot of sympathy, and the other employees tell me about it too, I get angry, make him a scandal, and he tells me that I need to be treated, go to a psychologist. He is a handsome man and knows this and purposely makes eyes at me, I watched from the sidelines and told him, as here in the article, we talked to him, he understood everything, how hard it was for me, said that it was nothing, that I twisted everything on myself. We came to work after the conversation, and all the same thing continues, he does not leave her, constantly twitching just to hurt her. He got mad at me and said that I was driving him crazy and all that kind of stuff. And she, of course, all radiant, smiling, in a good mood (as described in the article), so he reaches out to her. And my disgruntled face can not look. And I also want positive emotions, laugh, smile, but lately it does not work, I look at work at him, as he is hanging on her, and even hands descend, tears hail, and how to stop it, I do not know.
The article is good and correct. But there is one BUT. Jealousy is a mental disorder and reading books and articles will not help here. It even seems to me that in the moments of attacks, it is necessary to start taking some medicine right away. I was betrayed for two years by a man whom I loved madly. I trusted him, but he betrayed me, and arranged such psychological attacks, when he began to feel just a little bit that I suspected something. Eventually I found out everything, absolutely everything, and all the puzzles came together in my head. That relationship was a nightmare. Now I have a wonderful husband, he has never given me any serious reason to be jealous! But I don’t trust him. I am suspicious and check almost every move he makes. And in my particular moments of jealousy, I see and feel his love for me fading. I write this and cry. And I can’t help myself. I can never trust men again.
It’s the same situation.
Good afternoon, advised to contact a man to solve my problem, treason in the family, he is engaged in family adultery, account, correspondence in social networks and messengers (whatsap, Facebook, classmates, vk, etc. …), passwords, search people, the definition of the location, and others.his name is Arthur (eight nine nine six seven zero nine zero five six five five).And he really helped.
And I do not know at all what is it? Jealousy or resentment, I am one man a lot of help and help in life. And when I went to his page in sots.net I saw that the words of gratitude for help received by a completely different person, and I’m like no, and was not, and did not help. I was offended. And what is even funny from my side now I began to check, pages in social networks of that person, to whom there were marks with words of gratitude all the attention.
I understand I have to go elsewhere with my problems, for here again about the girls.