Forgive a loved one – outlined in detail
In a relationship with a loved one we are very vulnerable and easily take to heart any misunderstanding. A leer, a stingy word, not warm enough hugs, silence in response to a love text message. If we could look into the soul of his partner and know what’s happening in his head, it would be much easier to understand and forgive the wrongdoing. But we only have to intuitively look for compromises and decide: to exacerbate a quarrel or find a way to reconcile and continue to live “happily ever after.
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Execute cannot be pardoned.
How to forget the offense, when you want revenge, punish? You want to hurt even more. So he will suffer. Then he’ll understand! Then he will realize what he has done.
But will he? Will it make you feel good if he feels bad? If so, is he dear to you? Maybe your own selfishness is dearer?
Maybe it’s better to break up and not torment each other?
If you want to save and continue the relationship, love each other even more, the first step – you need to learn to forgive.
It is important to know how to let go and forgive.
Yes, it’s hard. After all, we only see the situation through ourselves. We forget that people are different and that their behavior is not dictated by our desires, but by nature.
But the only way to stop blaming the abuser is to understand the reason for his behavior.
You need to look at the situation from the other side.
Through his eyes, through his desires.
He could do the right thing if he knew what the right thing was.
We need to understand that people are different, and no one wants to hurt us intentionally.
Our traumas, anchors, and scripts live with us.
We do what our parents, our teachers, our environment taught us to do.
And our unreasonable expectations are ignorance of the psyche of another person who is not like us.
It means we don’t know him. We don’t understand. His inner motives, his desires, his aspirations.
Maybe he is even worse off than you are right now.
Maybe he needs our help and support.
Maybe his soul is wounded, too.
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Is it possible to survive betrayal and how to do it?
If you are faced with this question, it is possible that it is still the adolescent maximalism that speaks for you. Of course you can survive it. Everything is real, believe me. It’s very painful, I understand you, but life doesn’t end there.
Accept the situation. What’s done is done, can’t be replayed. The man accidentally or deliberately stumbled. And even so that you know about it. Do not think about it, do not try to understand, analyze. Thinking about the deed of your loved one will drag you even more to the bottom of the depression.
Allow yourself a few days to be an unhappy person. Emotions need to have an outlet. Without resorting to alcohol and other destructive things. Break dishes, cut curtains, tear up pictures, scream, sob, talk to loved ones, demanding support, you need it now.
Distract yourself. Find something to do, change your surroundings, perhaps change your clothing style, hairstyle, hair color, even your eyes (lenses).
Don’t shut yourself away. Socialize with friends and relatives, make new acquaintances. Four walls in the house are the most ungrateful advisors, especially if everything in the house reminds of the former pleasant times.
Be aware of the fact that the person is not dead. Things can still be changed. Tear the hair on your head only when scraps of earth are falling on the coffin lid, and until then, any situation can be resolved.
Here we come to the question of whether you can forgive cheating and how to regain trust.
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The psychology of resentment and forgiveness
Let’s understand how you can truly forgive a person and free yourself from resentment, with the help of Yuri Burlan’s system-vector psychology. All people’s desires are divided into groups – by vectors. A person may be the owner of one to eight vectors.
People with an anal vector may be prone to resentment if they experience dissatisfaction. Therefore, they are the ones who have the question of how to learn to forgive the offenses and let them go. This is not a person who easily and without the slightest doubt can break off relations with the offender, leave and slam the door. This is someone for whom the family, established relationships are a special value, this is a loyal and faithful person.
A person with an anal vector is someone for whom a lovely past is valuable, and an uncertain future only creates stress. Therefore, it is peculiar for him to hold on to the relationship with the loved one until the end. And also a natural property of such a person is a good memory. Therefore, all the offenses she perfectly stores and does not let forget the insults. The memory of offenses and the inability to quickly forget them can make life very difficult. Because to get out time after time out of the offense to a man and lick wounds oh how hard.
What to do? How to forgive the man? Can this somehow change and learn to forget the past?
Stay away from me – I was offended.
You can change this situation only through awareness. A person with an anal vector is someone who likes everything to be equal, he feels a state of comfort in doing so. If I smiled, I should get the same in return. Otherwise, it’s not good. I will be offended and think: “Oh, he is so-so-so”. If you have done something good, then be kind – and me in return as much.
But it’s not smart at all, no matter how wise we think we are. This quality is given by nature and will not go anywhere. So it is necessary to be aware of these peculiarities of ourselves and the possibilities of their correct realization. This will make you realize that those around you are not guilty of anything. In this case, the offense will go away by itself quite naturally and you do not have to look for any special techniques to learn how to forgive. Such resentment against everyone and everything arises when a person for some reason can not realize their aspirations for the good. Then he begins to look for flaws in those around him, he has a feeling that he “wasn’t given enough. If he is full and happy, there is no desire to be offended.
If a person also has a visual vector, this will add a high degree of emotion to the offense. A developed visual vector is potentially a set of properties that gives its owner the ability to subtly feel the state of another person, to experience strong emotions, to feel compassion, to empathize wholeheartedly. But due to childhood traumas or the absence of an opportunity to share one’s emotions with another, a person can begin to sink into an abyss of fears, self-pity or throwing hysterics.
He will agonize over the question: How do you forgive someone who has hurt you? How do you let go of an offense? If this is a person with anal-visual connection of vectors, resentment for him is also a very strong negative emotion, which delivers a lot of suffering.
If a person has a sound vector, it endows him with the ability to hear the slightest nuances of meaning and intonation when communicating, to pay special attention to the words. When this property is used as intended and a person focuses on others and learns to see the meaning in all their words and actions, he experiences great pleasure. But if this quality is added to resentment, then the slightest nuance of intonation or meaning, which, quite possibly, the offender himself did not intend, will also be recorded and “filed” for resentment. In doing so, the desire to forgive becomes less and less!
How to forgive the betrayal of a loved one?
Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers used to say: “The sword will not cut off the guilty head. The person came with repentance, forgive him.
Is it worth it to forgive – of course. Another thing is whether you want to keep any relationship with this person in the future. Everything depends on the situation here. There are millions of scenarios for this kind of conflict.
You are together for many years. Your significant other is going to the left side, and you find out about it. Whether the person told you or you learned from friends, girlfriends, from the divorcee (separated woman) himself – it does not matter. The fact itself, the deception is revealed. Beloved person apologizes, asks to give you another chance, or asks for forgiveness, but says that it was a completely reasonable decision and the novel can be ended there. The main thing is honesty.
If you have deep feelings and after this news, it makes sense to try to build a new relationship, forgetting about the situation and never remembering, because it will not bring anyone good, and destroy, especially you, can easily. Forgiveness is the destiny of strong people. Do not figure out how, with whom, just forgive and forget, continue to live and love.
If your spouse announces the rupture of relations, but in the soul of the fire, you are not ready to leave, then you have to remember the folk wisdom: “You will not make nice by force. Forgive and let go. This is the way out of the situation. No need to fall at your feet, to beg, to press your conscience. The man has already made up his mind, accept his decision and let go. The main thing is not to harbor anger and resentment. It won’t be easy, but you will cope. This way you will be able to prepare your heart for a new relationship.
Unfortunately, human nature is very weak, and everyone can make a wrong turn. The most difficult question that may arise: how to regain trust? If you have managed to forgive, to keep your family, your feelings, then somewhere subconsciously there will live the thought of a relapse. Books and the Internet are replete with statements: “Betrayed once, will betray again!”, “People do not change!” and so on. Don’t think about it, don’t read bad advice. Let the situation go. If you managed not to destroy the world after the news of betrayal, to keep love, then live it today, tomorrow … No need to guess ahead.
There is an interesting technique. Remember yourself as a child and your parents. A broken cup caused anger or sadness, but from that you did not become anything in the life of your relatives. And maybe your mother hid the cups higher for fear of a repeat of the situation, but you also tried not to upset your beloved parent anymore.
In conclusion, I would like to wish the reader strength and wisdom. How you apply these two gifts is up to you.
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Man is a wolf to man?
On the other hand, anyone causes suffering to another man only because he himself feels bad, something is missing. This is a mental mechanism, which was formed in primitive man: if something is wrong – to growl at his neighbor. So if the person says something unpleasant to you, wants to insult or offend – most likely, he himself feels bad, but he does not realize it, unconsciously wants to blame someone else, and you are caught in the act.
When a person is doing well and realizing his desires, then he feels joy, happiness, good feelings for those around him. But if he is not, he suffers and blames everyone around him, thus dumping his accumulated dislike on them. When you understand what is behind such outburst of aggression, it no longer hurts so much, you begin to feel the pain of the other person, and forgiveness is something that arises by itself.
But that doesn’t mean that any displays of aggression should be taken on themselves and sympathetically nodded at. Everyone has to defend themselves if they want to be hurt. So your task is to understand the person, at the same time to protect yourself from unpleasant outbursts to your address.
If you love the person, the ability to let go of resentment, to forgive each other – is something that is very important to acquire in order to establish your relationship. When you begin to have a good understanding of your offender, you will be easier to forgive the offense.
Author Irina Shcherbakova Corrector Anna Sorokina
This article was written using materials online training Yuri Burlan System-Vector Psychology
Self-improvement of personality how to become a bitch for a short time how to find a soul mate
Consider extraneous factors
It may be difficult to understand, but the cause of your quarrel could be completely extraneous factors: a hard day at work, an unpleasant conversation with your parents, a quarrel with a friend, an altercation with a boorish driver on the road. Anything could provoke your loved one to do the things he did by inertia. Try to take this into account and not judge him too harshly.
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Admit your guilt
There are two sides to any conflict, and as much as you don’t want to, you need to admit that your quarrel has its share of guilt as well. Be honest with yourself and analyze at what point did things go wrong? Maybe you were somewhere rude, not enough attention to his feelings, or could not resist the temptation to jab him and hurt? Ask for forgiveness from your loved one. When you share responsibility for the quarrel, it will be easier for both of you to survive.
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Understand what’s important.
Set your priorities: what do you want to achieve? If the man is not important to you, you can give vent to your pride and be offended further. If you want a man to share the future, if you do not care about him, find the strength to let go of resentment and to focus on rebuilding relationships.
Without quarrels there is no relationship, there will always be tense moments, there will be hurtful words, but remember that overcoming these difficulties will only make you stronger. If you let the quarrels kill your feelings, it means that they were not strong enough to keep you together.
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How to ask for forgiveness from a loved one: the right phrases
We all make mistakes, we all do something or say something wrong. It is good to have the strength not to hurt your loved one in the midst of a quarrel, but no less valuable is the ability to say “I’m sorry” if your emotions have gotten the better of you. Apologizing is an important aspect of life that we will talk about today.
We have so many relatives in our lives whose relationships define our view of the world and our moral well-being. And each of them is valuable and multifaceted in their own way. That’s why resentments and misunderstandings often arise between spouses, close relatives, and parents and children. We will tell you how to ask for forgiveness, if you’re guilty, and how best to do it to establish a close trusting relationship with a loved one.
How to ask for forgiveness
Let’s be honest, people don’t like to admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. We all grew up in different families with their own routines and traditions. Everyone has brought from the parental family positive and negative attitudes that are not always understood by others. It is especially difficult to admit guilt in front of a loved one. In most families, it is not accepted to apologize to the children, because it is believed that the parents are smarter and more experienced. But then how does a child know what to do if he or she has offended? Often, even at a mature age, people are embarrassed to appear weak or funny when they talk about their mistakes.
A few tips on how to properly apologize so that you are heard and understood:
Don’t rate someone else’s feelings or question them: “You’re the one who misunderstood me. “, “There would have been something to be offended about. “.
In order to learn how to ask for forgiveness, you must first recognize and accept your emotions. How to do this and why holding back your feelings is destructive, read the article: “How to properly express your emotions and why it’s important.
Next we will tell you what to do if you really hurt your loved one:
Recognize the situation
Assess the feelings and feelings you are in. Do you know if the person was offended or if you also harbor a grudge? What caused the offense and is it your fault?
Deal with it privately and give that opportunity to the other party to the conflict.
Any argument should be sorted out in your head and understand what caused it and what to do to avoid it happening again.
As children, we were often taught to ask for forgiveness just because it was necessary. Many grew up with the understanding that apologizing was part of the sociocultural ritual of polite adults. So the skill has been atrophied, and in adulthood admitting wrongdoing has become almost the worst torture for the individual. The other extreme is to apologize “for everything” – when you sincerely in your heart do not understand what for, but just in case you fire off a duty phrase. Such a routine formality is absolutely not conducive to a dialogue or to reconciliation. Especially if this phrase comes from the mouth of a man.
Do not look for the guilty
Accept the fact that in an argument you see the situation only from one side. And it is perfectly normal for everyone involved in the conflict to have their own point of view. Fear of asking for forgiveness is also closely related to the fear of losing your authority. But in relations with loved ones is important not to get to the truth, but to fix the relationship. Instead of figuring out who’s right and who’s wrong, it’s better to admit that your loved one’s feelings were hurt, and you understand that.
What do you want after the reconciliation? If your goal is to change the other person’s behavior, then you will need to change your attitude toward them. Two people are capable of changing and adjusting to each other if it is their mutual desire. Only a change on your part can encourage the other person to change something about themselves.
Accept your responsibility.
Before you apologize, it’s important to say that you made a mistake and you realize it. But why is it so hard for some people to admit their mistake? When a person takes an action, he or she has an intention. It can be positive, but the way it is achieved is not always correctly perceived by others: someone feels uncomfortable or even offended.
If a person realizes that he has offended, not by his intentions, but by the way he implemented them – it will be much easier for him to apologize. It is very difficult for a person who is offended that his intention was not understood to be wrong. By asking for forgiveness, the perpetrator shows that the loved one’s emotions have been heard and accepted, they have realized that the way they implemented their intention was not quite right, and they are ready to change their behavior.
It is important to understand that you are not asking for forgiveness in order to abandon your goals, but to show your loved one that the ways in which your task needs to be adjusted.
Find an opportunity to speak up
Asking for forgiveness in your own words is not easy. Many feel frustrated and anxious at the thought of even having to admit their mistake. If you find it difficult to say the words of forgiveness in person, write them in a letter or talk them over the phone. But before this it is advisable to prepare a speech. It is important to convey to the interlocutor that you understand why you offended him and understand his emotions. Then tell the situation from your own point of view and decide together how you can get out of the situation.
Watch your intonation. An agitated state, as well as anger, rage, discontent – immediately provoke a negative reaction of the interlocutor. This makes it difficult to understand the reason for the conflict. Don’t use accusations, reproaches, or phrases about who owes what to whom.
If ordinary anxiety arises quite often and without any reason, it’s better to work through its cause than to further struggle with anxiety disorders. How to do this, read our article: “How to get rid of feelings of anxiety.
Choose the right phrasing
Be careful, because the phrase “I apologize” is not about your regret, but about the fact that you took the action to be forgiven. It is more about your indulgence than about the other person’s feelings. Speaking sincerely, it is better to use the phrase “I apologize” or “I’m sorry.”
Also insidious are the statements, “I’m sorry, but. “, “I’m sorry if I offended you. “. Wanting to avoid embarrassment, these phrases are often unknowingly thrown at the interlocutor. But they show more of the speaker’s insecurity than their sincere intentions to make up. In essence, the entire responsibility for the offense is shifted onto the person to whom you want to apologize.
Don’t try to get forgiveness right away
Be prepared for rejection and think about how you will act next. Maybe the moment isn’t right, maybe it still hurts. Work out a plan if the apology will not be accepted. In any case, you should not blame the family member for such intransigence. He has a right to be angry. Then take your time and ask what you can do to make up for it. Perhaps it is necessary to change tactics and talk in a different environment, or even wait with an apology.
As experience shows, the ritual of forgiveness itself is not necessary to any of the participants in the conflict, if you are truly sincere with each other. That is, when we ask for forgiveness, we are asking the person who was offended to do something for us. The main thing is to make the offense go away, and for this you need to engage in repair of the relationship. Pay attention to the little things: smile when we meet with a glance, pat on the shoulder if you are near and accumulate positive emotions.
How to apologize to your beloved wife
A man by his nature finds it more difficult to apologize to his beloved . He feels like the head of the family and demands respectful treatment. Many feel that by apologizing to a woman, they lower their ego and humiliate themselves. If you find it difficult to talk about your feelings, or the phrase “I’m sorry” literally deprives you of a sense of manhood, start with a simple “I overreacted,” “you shouldn’t have behaved that way. And this will be enough to cause his wife to respond positively.
Then show that it’s important for you to save the relationship: “Honey, we need to calm down and cool down now,” “Let’s settle this issue later when we’re both ready,” “The last thing I want to do is fight with you,” “I love you and want to resolve the situation so we can both be happy,” “Forgive my rudeness, you are the dearest person to me.”
A quarrel can go beyond emotional altercations, be accompanied by breaking dishes, or leave a deep wound inside. If you have hurt your beloved wife and want to make peace with her, follow this algorithm of actions:
- Apologize to your wife .
- Acknowledge your wrongdoing.
- Ask how she feels, show that you care about her opinion.
- Offer to talk about the situation.
- Show tenderness and concern.
- Don’t insist on bodily contact (hugs, kisses, touching hands).
When there is a lot of emotional heat, women get blocked and won’t let you get close to them. Sincerely tell her that you are sorry you hurt your wife. Say that your harsh words were spoken in the heat of the moment, and you repent them.
What to do if your wife won’t talk? You can write her a letter on paper or send her an email, order flowers with a cute card or have a romantic dinner.
Every couple has their own love language and it’s important for a man to know what language his beloved speaks. For example, his wife likes compliments and gifts, and for you the best manifestation of feelings is tactile intimacy. In moments of disagreement try to show love in her language – she will feel that she is understood, heard and loved.
How to ask your beloved husband for forgiveness
Men and women accept forgiveness in different ways. Saying sorry to a man means to him that the woman admits guilt, asks for forgiveness and is not going to return to this conversation in the future. But is this really the case? After all, often experienced resentment becomes a tool of manipulation at any opportune moment. That is why men are very careful when accepting apologies from women.
The husband also wants to hear from his wife remorse for her transgression, a sincere apology, because his emotions are just as strong, although not always visible.
How to ask forgiveness from your beloved in your own words:
- Admit your guilt. Explain how everything happened, and agree with his view of the situation.
- Ask your husband to express his feelings, the resentment he has experienced.
- Listen carefully, do not interrupt. Believe me, it is difficult for him to tune in to a frank conversation.
- Tell him how much you are worried that you hurt him.
- Explain what you are going to do to improve the situation.
If the man goes to the dialogue, it is important to understand that for some time he will be recovering from the offense. During this time, surround him with care, offer to spend time the way he likes, or cook a meal he likes.
Do not seek support for the solution of family problems in the family – so you set up her husband even more negative. For a man can not interfere in the decision of his family problems.
If you still find it difficult to tune in and ask for forgiveness, think about how many people were sorry to you? How did it make you feel, and did it not become easier on the soul? Use this technique when you are overcome with embarrassment and shame. Admitting your mistakes and moving on is a trait of strong, mature people who achieve their goals.
Communication as a couple is the very first and firmest stepping stone to well-being, understanding and trust. How to build a healthy relationship, accepting each other’s opinions and desires, you will learn from the video: “Dialogue between a man and a woman. In what language to speak to a man, so that he gets it.