What to do if the guy left: how to survive and not make new mistakes
When love comes to an end, the couple breaks up. But it happens that you are still in love, although your loved one has left. This is very hard to realize, and it is not clear what to do next if the guy left. It seems that the whole world has stopped, and nothing good will come of it. Nevertheless, life doesn’t end there. And no matter how emotions run high, you need to deal with them and turn the page.
In this article, you will get some tips on how to overcome the most difficult period – right after a breakup, understand your mistakes that led to the guy dumping you, make conclusions and continue to live happily.
Reasons for breaking up with a guy
If you are dumped by a guy, the first thing to do is to try to find out the reasons for his decision. Of course, any girl will be hurt and humiliated, everyone will torment obsessive thoughts about lost love and how much emotional warmth was given to the man. But the main lesson to be learned from this sad situation is to understand why you are in it.
Both partners are to blame for the failed relationship (though usually to different degrees).
If a guy left you to go to someone else, he probably did so because of a lack of caring, passion, warmth, understanding, and common interests. In general, he was unhappy in the relationship.
If a man simply breaks the connection and does not make a new one, it means that his love has cooled down, and the constant scandals, jealousy and misunderstandings have tired him out a lot.
It is possible that the woman herself does a lot of things to make the guy fall out of love with her and leave her. For example, it may be a constant lying, cheating, nagging.
What questions should you ask yourself if your lover leaves you? What mistakes have you made? Maybe it is not too late to fix them to restore the relationship? As a last resort, it is always a good idea to draw conclusions, live your grief, come to terms with the loss and start from scratch.
During this period you need more than ever an objective, adequate analysis of the relationship in a couple and the reasons that prompted the guy to leave you. Help you do this with loved ones – a girlfriend, sister or mother, if you have a trusting relationship. In addition, you can ask a psychologist.
Sometimes it is possible to restore the relationship with a loved one. If the reason for the breakup – the accumulated resentment, quarrels and mutual “faults” of the partners, you can start with a frank conversation and try to agree on a new format of communication, in which all this will not be. Promise each other to start everything anew. In this case, it is better to arrange a date in a quiet, comfortable place, dress up, wear stylish makeup, behave sweetly and warmly, so that the guy feels your tenderness and affection. Perhaps this will encourage him to come back.
But if the man has already completely fallen out of love with you or started an affair with another woman, this method will not work. Nothing can be saved here, the battle for love is lost, and you have to accept it. Even if you manage to get your boyfriend back for a while with the help of feminine tricks and manipulations, such a relationship will not last – the soul he is no longer with you. Why do you need such a partner? It’s time to let him go on all four sides, to mourn his loss and go in search of a new love.
Emergency help if you dumped the guy
How to behave properly if you are dumped by a man? Advice from psychologists boils down to the following:
- Allow yourself to express your emotions. Now it is useless to say: “Get it together, you wimp!” and “Stop whining! The longer and more persistently you hold back the storm of negative feelings inside, the higher your chances of getting neurosis or psychosomatic in the future. Feel like yelling, crying, rolling around on the floor? Do it!
- Share your feelings with the people you care about. Not everyone and not always needs a psychologist, sometimes talking to a good friend is enough. There is a psychological technique called “venting emotions,” when a person simply speaks out his feelings, sometimes several times in a row, until he starts to let go. Having dumped excess emotions, he calms down and begins to think rationally.
- At least for the first time, stop any contact with the guy who dumped you. You have an acute trauma, you may do things you will regret for a long time.
- Get your emotions out on paper. Write a long letter, which will be outlined all your claims and feelings about the man. Send it, of course, should not – you write it only for yourself. After this, you can put the letter aside, to re-read it in a more relaxed state, or destroy it immediately.
- Have new experiences, work, study, socializing with friends, shopping, hobbies – anything, as long as you are not stuck in gloomy thoughts.
10 Recipes for coming to your senses after breaking up with a boyfriend
Here are ten psychologist’s tips for those who got dumped by a guy and who are trying to do something about their state of mind. These techniques have been repeatedly tested in practice: many abandoned lovers have successfully survived the pain of losing a relationship thanks to simple actions.
Get rid of the evidence.
If you were dumped by the guy, do a general cleaning of your apartment and your head: throw out everything that belongs to him, was given to him, or somehow reminds you of him. Forget about sentimentality and destroy all these things – in your current state they are just dangerous for you. Delete all the photos of your relationship with your gadgets and from the social networks, get rid of paper portraits, clean your posts in social networks, in general, unsubscribe from your ex anywhere you can, so that there is no image of him.
Erase all correspondence – from messengers, emails, etc. If you still have good old paper letters that you sent by mail, burn or at least tear up that archive.
Deleting all of your ex-boyfriend’s or husband’s contacts is hard, but sometimes this drastic step alone can save what’s left of your nerves and psyche. Ban him, add him to blacklists in all channels to eliminate the sudden “Hi, how are you, did you miss me?” from him.
There are many useful things you can do with gifts from a guy who dumped you: give them to other people, sell them, give them back to the giver. In the extreme case, take it to the trash. If any of your closet items are associated with an ex (for example, he complimented your dress), also get rid of them. Otherwise you will always be drawn to these things, will want to shine in them again in the hope to return the lover (and what if the past feelings by some miracle revive?).
All this must be done in a sober mind, consciously and thoughtfully. No hysterics, throwing dishes and throwing things out the window! Think of a special ritual to get rid of evidence of your relationship. Or just throw things out little by little (one every day, for example).
Give a guy his stuff.
It’s not uncommon for a woman to have a lot of things that belong to an ex-boyfriend. You can, of course, just throw them away. But it is not necessary to act so radically. The most reasonable thing would be to return them to their owner. Even if you do not have the moral strength to personally meet with this person, you can ask relatives or friends to pass collected packages to your ex.
It is even less pleasant if the guy has a lot of your things left, and he decided to break off the relationship. The easiest thing is to say goodbye to these things right away and stop thinking about them. But if we are talking about expensive items or things that are valuable to you, try to get them back as soon as possible. The longer you procrastinate with returning things, the more you’ll be besieged by hopes for a return of former love. These are insidious feelings that must be fought. If you go to the guy who dumped you at home to get your stuff, behave with restraint and dignity.
Take a trace on the Internet.
If you followed the first advice, your social networks should not leave any pictures, or statuses, or posts in any way related to the ex. Even the dearest to your heart entries should be deleted or edited, if they grieve you soul and do not give you a step into a new life after the guy left you.
But it must be done calmly and without ostentatious drama. Tearful stories about heartbreak, pity photos and storis – bad helpers if you want to get over the breakup quickly and safely. Try to generate positive content, demonstrate that you are doing great, you are living your life to the fullest, and no guy in the world has the power to ruin it. It is important that your subscribers believe that you are enjoying every new day, successful and cheerful despite setbacks on the love front.
Clean up your social circle.
It’s not uncommon for ex-partners to have mutual friends, buddies, acquaintances. If you were dumped by a guy, this is a great reason to part with those people from his environment that stress you out. No more need to put up with those with whom you have nothing in common, for the sake of the guy! Especially if it’s just his friends and not yours.
Unfortunately, sometimes you have to cut to the chase and give up on people who are really close to you. For example, if a mutual friend is constantly in touch with your ex and reports to you about all his actions – who he came to the party with, what he did, how he spoke about you; or if you have to cross paths with the guy who dumped you at mutual friendly get-togethers and events.
Only continue to socialize with people who won’t purposely confront you with your ex for laughs and aren’t prone to gossip. Why keep in your social circle those who “leak” all information about you to the person who betrayed you?
This advice applies not only to real communication, but also to virtual communication.
Suppress your interest in your ex
Interest in the personality of your loved one does not disappear, even if the guy made a radical move and dumped you. On the contrary, curiosity and so torments, and many girls spend hours monitoring the pages of exes in social networks. But this only prevents you from forgetting the guy who dumped you – it will be even harder to do so. And if you find a picture of his new girlfriend, you are sure to be hurt and resentful. It is better to avoid his pages altogether, never communicate with this person again and forbid yourself any manifestations of curiosity.
Attempts to ferret out some information about your ex-partner through acquaintances make a painful impression on everyone. Do not torment your friends by asking questions about this man and do not show your interest in him. This man is nobody to you now, a stranger, he is dead to you, so why be interested in him? What is he more attractive than a random stranger on the subway or a salesman in the supermarket? Try to convince yourself that your ex became an outsider to you, that he no longer exists in your world.
If you give vent to curiosity, you can learn very unpleasant and shocking things, and this – another round of sobs, depression, self-deprecation and hysterics. Believe me, it is better to be completely unaware of who he spent the evening with and what he had for breakfast.
If your husband left you, demand a divorce.
If your relationship was sealed not only with kisses, but also with a stamp in the passport, as soon as possible dissolve this marriage. Do not try to find a compromise solution to make it easier for the ex-spouse to go through the breakup. All is already lost, it’s time to find freedom and get rid of commitments to the ex.
You don’t have to tell your husband in person that you are filing for divorce. Let him hear about it from acquaintances or get a subpoena. Since he has decided to leave you and break all ties, you are no longer obligated to cherish his feelings.
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Take care of health
As a rule, relationship breakups do not go easily and smoothly, even if people have not bonded much anymore. Even more shocking are situations in which one partner suddenly leaves the other. Not only changes in lifestyle, habits and social circle, but also the girl’s well-being. Some compulsively overeat and neglect sleep, in order to somehow drown out the stress, others fall into a kind of anabiosis: lying in bed all day, do not eat, stop taking care of themselves.
One of the main tips for those who got dumped by the guy – to do what is good for your body: do physical activity (which, incidentally, improves your mood), eat right and take vitamins, follow the sleep schedule.
Sometimes the nervous tension due to separation can be relieved only with sedatives. The main thing is a measure in everything. Let your doctor choose the right drugs for you. Strictly follow the dosage and the schedule of taking the pills, so as not to harm yourself even more, and try to lead a healthy lifestyle. Poor diet, lack of exercise and constant weeping nullify the benefits of medication.
Treat yourself to something nice
If you got dumped by the guy, it’s time to do something nice for yourself – allow yourself what you would normally deny yourself. Buy a pair of shoes that you’ve been dreaming of for six months. Go to an exhibition or a play. Have dinner in an exotic restaurant. In general, use any chance to please yourself at least in small things.
If possible, change your surroundings dramatically – go to another country or city! This will help you shake things up and tune in a new way. However, you should not move at such moments to the permanent residence or completely reform your whole life, it is enough to have a new positive experience.
Change the image
A change of image – above all, hair and hair color – is something that many girls instinctively do if they get dumped by the guy they love. Did your ex adore long-haired, sultry brunettes? Great, it’s time to repaint in blond and dare to daring fashionable haircut! For the sake of it you always wore skirts and heels? Now you can add something more relaxed and sporty to your closet! Who knows, what if your new image will attract a new interesting man?
Contact a professional
When you can not cope with nervous tension and emotions, you can trust a qualified specialist. Do not try to endure the mental pain and do not be ashamed of your problems if a guy dumped you and you do not know what to do. The sooner you start therapy, the sooner you will get out of love neurosis. A good therapist will not only have long conversations with you about childhood traumas, but also give you specific techniques, techniques for managing emotions and self-control.
What you can not do if the guy left.
Many women make a number of typical mistakes when they get dumped by a guy they love:
Getting drunk out of their minds.
If you are used to relieve stress with alcohol, it is to the shot glass that your hand will reach for in difficult situations in life. Filling up the separation with alcohol is dangerous not only for your health, but also for your reputation: in high intoxication you may become inadequate, begin to scandalize with people, and even show up at the ex’s door with tears or accusations.
Figure things out with their boyfriend’s new girlfriend.
There is nothing more humiliating and repulsive than a girl aggressively attacking her ex-boyfriend’s new lover. Such actions cut off all avenues back, even if there was a chance of reconciliation.
The worst thing you can do if you’ve been dumped by a boyfriend is to stop eating and hit some other harm to your own body. This road will only lead you to digestive problems. If a piece won’t go down your throat at all out of grief and frustration, try to eat at least small portions, but regularly.
Throwing dirt on an ex-boyfriend
Spreading defamatory rumors about your ex, embarrassing him in front of his friends and tell intimate details of your affair – undignified and humiliating. It turns out that a woman does not respect either her former chosen one, or herself, if she maintained a relationship with such a type for a long time.
They idealize the ex.
Many girls fall into the other extreme: they forget all the negative moments and begin to consider the former partner as perfect, straight angel in the flesh, and indefinitely indulge in nostalgia, remembering the pleasant moments of the novel.
Try to keep an objective view of yourself and the guy who dumped you. Surely he was doing something wrong, making mistakes, not meeting your expectations. Write down all his shortcomings, even small ones, on sheets of paper, and hang these sheets in the most prominent places. This will remind you that you have lost not a lifelong dream, but an ordinary person who is not really worthy of your tears.
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There are things you definitely shouldn’t do if you get dumped by your boyfriend and are in turmoil:
- revel in sad music;
- watch tearful melodramas;
- Hang up pitying statuses on all social networks;
- Get addicted to antidepressants and sedatives.
Even if it turns out that the man did not love you and decided to end the relationship, it’s not the end of your life. There is no point in torturing yourself with thoughts like, “What did I do wrong?”, “How dare he do that?” – There are no rational answers to these, but they drive you to longing and hopelessness. Think about the fact that there are a lot of singles in the world and those who are in search of love, so there is bound to be someone who is willing and able to make you happy.
What to Do If a Boyfriend Dumped You
What to do if the guy left you? First of all, you should refuse the obsession to return him by any methods, because the success of such an action will not end, but the nerves will get tired. If the man himself stops the relationship, doing it culturally and calmly, then his decision was made consciously and will not change, if he is acting unkindly, leaving you without explanation or with scandals, it is better to think why you want to return such a man.
If the guy left the girl, what to do think only those who were dear to the relationship, everyone else is relieved to sigh and rejoice at the new opportunities. Left without a loved one depressed, they note a decrease in self-esteem, activation of a variety of complexes (and even the emergence of new ones, if the guy left a caustic last comment) and often try to remedy the situation, succumbing to impulsive decisions, which leads to aggravation of the situation.
What to do if the guy you love dumped you
If you plan to resume the relationship, then after a break, which is worth devoting to yourself and your life, perhaps a revision of values, then there is a chance to meet again, but already on a new changed level, because there will be no return to the old anyway. The opposite desire is revenge, and such escapades can occur unconsciously, because of the habit that you are together. In this case, it is better to temporarily limit the flow of information about the guy (set the settings in the social networks feed, ask your friends not to tell how he is doing, otherwise there is a risk of a scandal because of candid photos with the other). Give your psyche time to adapt, which includes not only experiencing stress, but also getting used to the new status for each other.
The next course of action is to try to anesthetize the mental pain with alcohol, which does not bring results, but only postpones and weighs down feelings. If you don’t live through the pain, but go out to party at a club, you will become even more depressed in the morning, and if you continue like this for a long time, it may turn out that the cause of the depressed state has already left the conscious sphere and now you will feel bad all the time. From a similar state, when unlived feelings are hidden deep inside, you can then go only with the help of a specialist, so it is better to cry as much as you cry, than to strive for artificial merriment.
If the guy you love has dumped you, it is better not to suggest that he remain friends. Only if you are really ready for friendship, and not trying to keep him in your own life in this way with the hope of a return – if your ex-boyfriend starts to really sincerely communicate with you as a friend, think about whether you yourself can bear such a relationship. Also, you shouldn’t rush to look for his replacement, give yourself time to rest, realize the experience, analyze the former relationship, so you won’t repeat mistakes in the next ones.
Interfere with his new relationship, set up random meetings and constantly talk to your girlfriends only about him – actions that destroy not only your reputation, but also your inner peace, and there are more interesting and useful options, what to do if your boyfriend left you.
If a guy dumped a girl, what to do everyone chooses depending on the state and necessary needs, which can be determined only after the normalization of the emotional background. To calm down only with antidepressants and valerian can be long and ineffective, because someone will be angry and crash the whole apartment, and someone will curl up on the couch under a plush blanket in the summer heat and for these states need different drugs. But our body has its own program of rapid rehabilitation – physical activity, which removes emotional blocks (you can run a few kilometers on the stadium or go to the gym, to arrange a general cleaning or go to the boxing training). Motor activity helps to process the accumulated adrenaline of anger, to activate the production of hormones of happiness.
Remember that boring the guy, who decided not to communicate with you, to run after him, to cause a frank conversation and try to return you can not, instead you need to start self-development, whatever desire is floating in your head now (at least to continue the relationship with him, at least to erase him from this planet). Usually when a girl continues to live her life, actively developing it and not imposing on the guy, it makes him think and look in her direction more often (everyone expects to feel sorry for their disappearance, and the lack of such a reaction creates interest). Chances are, he will be the first to appear himself, and here the most important thing is not to get into a dialogue, it’s better to refer to the fact that now it is inconvenient to talk and promise to call you back when you have some free time. Call back in this case does not need to, never, this phrase is said in order to cut off his activity in your direction, but not attention. Continue to build your new life, dealing with the psychic wounds and the mistakes you made, and return to communication with your ex-boyfriend when his pulse rate won’t rise, no matter what the guy is doing.
It helps to get over the breakup by reducing the tragedy of the situation. Since the attitude is completely up to us, you can choose to scroll in your head only beautiful moments, draw plots of unfulfilled ideal joint future and put the refrain “life without him is over”, and you can look at the real situation, remember what you lacked in his behavior and what this person no longer appreciated you as dear and worthy for his own life, find something to be thankful for. Two different views capable of changing not the current situation, but your emotional state.
What to do if the guy you love has left you, to help yourself through the pain, but not to wind yourself up? Choose a special time when you will sink as much as possible into a feeling of despair, you can help yourself to cry with appropriate movies and music (it is the first few times the hysteria over his disappearance will arise from nothing, and then you will need methods of evoking tears and sad feelings). You can do this until there is a feeling of satiety of suffering, or until at the next melodrama instead of tears there is laughter and the perception of the situation as absurd.
But do not delay with this method, it should be limited to a certain time (for example, Thursday evening), the rest of the time listen to cheerful music, live an active life, be sure to go out to people. It’s helpful to remember what you wanted to do before this relationship or what you didn’t have time for thanks to them and finally implement. If he was jealous of bikers, now is the time to get a motorcycle license, and if you didn’t have time to take a course, it’s time to enroll before a new affair happens and you’re again without certification.
Do not be surprised if an ex-boyfriend appears on your horizon, and a few times think before you communicate, because his actions may be guided by the realization of his mistake, and the desire to make sure his irresistibility through your suffering.
What to do if the guy left – psychologist tips
When the crisis in the relationship has reached its climax and you have broken up, all actions to resuscitate interaction and attempts to make contact are pointless – their time was much earlier than the sounded goodbye, and now there is a chance to notice what you have overlooked. Instead of trying to win back your departed partner, it’s worth finding the reasons for the breakup (even if not for this relationship, but so the experience will come in handy in the future). Perhaps you stopped paying him enough attention or stopped taking care of yourself (this includes the appearance, and activities aimed at personal development, which many girls leave, having entered into a relationship).
If you can, ask the guy about the reasons for leaving, but do not get your hopes up for an extended or honest answer, because this will have to do some serious introspection, which not many are capable of. But by tracing the dynamics of the relationship, you can find out that you were not to blame, but the guy is the reason for the breakup. Because of his impossible demands or eternal unreasonable nagging – in any case, this breakup is a positive moment, screening out people who are not yours, and teaches you to see these in advance, guarding against the mistake of linking your life with an unsuitable person. It also happens that both partners value the relationship, but in their development, as well as in their personal development, there are inevitable crises of convergence and estrangement, of which some are not aware. The ability to discern the relationship crises can be successfully overcome, or measures can be taken to prevent heavy development. If one cannot analyze on one’s own, one can do it together with a psychotherapist in order to learn a lot from this situation and to use difficult experiences as a way of learning and development, instead of sinking into depression.
It is possible to concentrate not only on dealing with the situation that has occurred, but also on getting to know oneself, figuring out desires, characteristics of reactions. Such relational crises are a stepping stone to a deeper knowledge of oneself, on the premise that relationships with the environment and people (especially those close to you) are a reflection of one’s relationship with oneself, bring to light all the traumas and complexes of childhood and teach you to treat yourself and your desires more honestly in the first place. After immersing yourself in your psyche and learning about its peculiarities, it’s time to do your favorite things, making a list of what you’ve always wanted to do (from quick wishes like eating a cake, to long ones, including a change of residence). It is better to make such a list consciously, turning off external criticism and inscribing even ridiculous, ridiculous and reprehensible desire from society, but imposed by someone better exclude (well, why do you have a degree, which is a dream of your mother, if you want to make pancakes?) Try things from this list, and feel free to discard those that are not useful or enjoyable. Try to build a new life so that your level of happiness depends not on having a relationship with a man and what’s going on there, but on independent, available to you at all times factors.
What to do if a guy wants to leave
If you’ve grown a little distant, resentments are increasing in your communication and things seem to have turned tepid in general, then perhaps it’s a crisis, a decline in interest, the establishment of a habit where there’s no need to constantly spin romance, or perhaps it all signals that a guy is thinking about breaking up. To distinguish one from the other will have to spend a little time and a lot of attention, but then you will understand where to go next – to calm down and rejoice in the advent of the quiet phase of the relationship, or to start sounding the alarm.
The first sign that a guy is about to end a relationship is the amount of time he spends or seeks to spend with you. If your time together is rapidly decreasing, he often refers to being busy or tired, and you have already forgotten about going out in public, then it is in any case a negative signal. Before you accuse your favorite in unwillingness to see you all the same worth scouting the situation, and suddenly it really landslide at work, then finding out from your side only aggravate the situation, because he needs support and assistance, not nervotrepka in his spare time.
If it turns out that your boyfriend’s leisure time is not suffering, but now he prefers to spend it not with you, then the relationship is over. Lack of attention to the details of your appearance and decreased attention to his own appearance indicates a general apathy, and in the case of the loss of interest only to you, it points to his active search for another partner.
The unwillingness to participate in long-term plans indicates your precarious position in the man’s life. Depending on the severity and long-term nature of your relationship, you should assess what counts as plans for the future – for those who have been together for several years, it could be buying an apartment, and for those whose relationship lasts for weeks, it could be a joint celebration of the new year.
By analyzing the reasons for the guy’s behavior, you can either help him with his difficulties if the problems are not related to you, or correct your own behavior, which may be the reason he wants to leave. Look closely, if he does not want to go out with you in public, maybe it’s your style or ability to behave, and if he stopped taking the initiative in bed, perhaps he wants to feel wanted and is waiting even the slightest step on your part. If the guy is not happy all the time and, clinging to every detail, wants to completely redo you, perhaps it makes sense to leave first, before you finally trampled self-esteem.
Author : Practical psychologist Vedmesh NA.
Speaker of the Medical-Psychological Center “PsychoMed