I can not decide: what I want from the relationship, do I need them?
How many people are in a relationship today and why?
According to recent statistics, over 55% of people have already found a soul mate. In addition, at least 50% of people feel a sense of falling in love.
As for the goals with which people entered into a relationship, there is a clear pattern among men and women – most of them are trying to get a relationship for the sake of creating a family.
Although the percentage of those who have not yet decided on the purpose of creating a relationship is also high – more than 20%.
The basic reasons why people get into relations.
Why do we really need a relationship?
How to understand that the man does not have serious intentions?
Sometimes a woman takes a man’s hesitant attitude for shyness. In fact, this is not always the case. A man of little interest in a woman’s life, her well-being, her financial situation. In this case, the woman hopes that over time, the situation will change for the better. But the situation is not changing, in fact for the man it becomes habitual.
In order to take the right decision in time in this situation, you just need to observe your chosen one. As a rule, it is the behavior of men is a proof of his intentions. Ask yourself questions:
- Do you meet often?
- Man interested in you not only as an object of sexual passion, but your affairs?
- Does he always find time to call or text?
- Does he enjoy giving minor gifts, such as a bouquet of flowers?
- Enjoys the company of a woman, and tries to spend with her as much time as possible?
If the relationship between a man and a woman is formed in a completely different scenario, then perhaps the hope that they will grow into something serious is in vain. The very behavior of the man speaks volumes. In addition, he often perceives these meetings as a relationship without obligation, and therefore does not consider his cheating for treason. After all, he has no serious intentions towards the woman.
What signs may show a man is not serious?
Watching a man, you can see other signs that he is not serious and is only looking for a sexual object, rather than a partner for the long term:
- A man doesn’t invite a woman to visit something together
- Rarely picks up the phone and does not respond to messages
- No mutual acquaintances
- Focuses on intimacy during meetings
- Lack of interest in the partner’s business, life
- Fewer and fewer meetings over time
- Is not jealous
- Communicates very little during meetings
Getting married? Five topics for discussion with your future husband or wife.
If all of these signs are clearly visible in the behavior of a man, then you should think about whether to continue such a relationship. Here you need to trust your own intuition. In such an environment a woman very quickly develops an inferiority complex, she does not feel needed and loved. Therefore, it begins to seem that she is not worthy of attention men. Although in reality it is not so.
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How to improve self-esteem?
To be sure you’d rather be alone right now, give yourself more time to think or relax, check yourself on the following points:
1.You have a low need for companionship.
You enjoy your partner’s company, but you yourself are also quite good. You have something to occupy your emptiness, and you are quite capable of not getting bored alone.
2.You want love.
You do not want a relationship where there will be no love. Yes, you will not be lonely, comfortable, you will have a great guy or girl and sex will appear in your life! But… What you really want is crazy and desperate love that just doesn’t show up over time.
3.You are emotionally detached.
You are not too attached to your partner because you subconsciously see him as a temporary person in your life. You can’t stand fighting with him. Heavy emotional scenes, dramas and conflicts exhaust you.
Read also: Describe your psychological personality profile. Drawing up a psychological personality profile
4.You have different interests and hobbies.
Love is often born out of something people have in common. If you and your soulmate are completely different people, you enjoy spending time and socializing more from your friends than from your partner.
5.You want to try everything in life.
You like everything new and unexplored. The thought of committing yourself for life to another person scares you.
6.You unconsciously sabotage the relationship.
You realize that most relationship problems could have been avoided if you wanted to. But subconsciously you are killing your enthusiasm for solving these problems, even though you realize that something is wrong here.
7.You are fickle.
While everyone is getting married, living in big houses and having children, you are planning your next trip, thinking about moving to another city or trying a different profession.
8.You are used to doing things your own way.
You like to choose how to spend your time, effort and money yourself. You really don’t want anyone to influence your opinion or impose their views on things.
9.You crave freedom.
You feel like you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with this person, but at the last minute you think about what you’ll lose with the arrival of a serious relationship and say no. You just aren’t ready to sacrifice your freedom and turn “I” into “we.”
What to do if a woman does not want a man?
First of all, you need a sober assessment of the situation. How it suits the woman herself. If she likes to be only in the role of a sexual object, and she does not pretend to more, it is quite possible to continue to meet with a man.
Why does it still hurt after a toxic relationship?
In that case, if you want to create a family, you should look for another man who will be looking not only for sexual relations, but warmth and family. In addition, married men who are just looking for a mistress often behave in this way. They will disguise their situation in every possible way. After all, they are quite happy with the light affair, and they can always go back to his wife.
In addition, if a man is married, then everything is even more complicated. He does not want to destroy the family relationship. As a rule, the most incredible excuses are used, for example, the wife is sick, or it is necessary to raise children. If the relationship is not satisfied, you need to analyze it with a sober head. It is likely that it is not worth wasting your youth and time on a relationship with such a partner.
- About the author
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Hello, I am Andrei Petrakov. I am a practicing psychologist, I edit this blog and write a lot for it myself.Now I pay considerable attention to the themes of psychological violence – abusive behavior, relationships, personality crises, taking responsibility for your life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of the consultation is 3000 rubles/hour. t. in person (Moscow, m.Maryina Roscha), or via Skype (barbaris71). Contact me
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Why people need a relationship: a list of common reasons
Many people around the world are in relationships. Some seek them from a young age, some prefer to have a relationship at a mature age.
The goal of each couple that has decided to be together is different, depending on the interests of young people, habits and outlook on life.
People’s opinions about the need for a relationship also differ: for some people it is the only sure way not to be alone, for others it is a desire to create their own family and raise children.
There is also a third category of people, which differs from the previous ones by the fact that in principle they do not attach too much importance to the topic of their own knowledge. Such people cannot answer why they need a relationship, since they have not thought about it. The “being like everyone else” factor played a key role here.
So why, in most cases, do people get into a relationship?
The answers vary from case to case:
- To know love.
- To start a family and have children.
- To get more attention.
- For money.
- For social status.
- For sex.
- To stand out from the crowd.
Are these answers true? Yes, without a doubt. But is that really the value of a relationship? More likely no than yes.
One thing is clear today: many people want and desire relationships, only most of them do not realize why they have to go through this difficult process.
However, having a relationship also has its pros and cons, which are important to consider when making decisions.
|If a person has an ongoing relationship, that means they also have ongoing responsibilities.||A person in a relationship smiles and shows positive emotions more often. He always has someone to share triumphs with.|
|Building a relationship is hard work. In such a situation, you will have to sacrifice a lot: principles, character, beliefs.||Relationship is a constant live communication, support in all situations.|
|To be in a relationship means that all the time is with someone. Sometimes partners need to be alone with themselves in order to concentrate on issues important to them.||To be in a couple means to receive care and warmth, to have someone to wait at home after a hard day’s work.|
You can check out a man
Anita_Morgan / Pixabay It is worth checking a man’s feelings and intentions before making a final decision. You can try to simply disappear from his life. Namely, stop texting him, responding to messages, and generally offer to break up. It is likely that he simply will not notice the disappearance. After all, a woman interests him solely as a sexual object. He will just quickly find a replacement for her.
If he really needs a woman, then he is wary, and there is a chance that the relationship will be fine. And there will be harmony in the relationship. Often a man, not wanting to be the perpetrator of disorderly relationships, which he no longer needs, he provokes a woman to the scandal. The finale of such a scandal will be the inevitable rupture. After all, the woman will leave him on her own, and he does not need to make efforts to get rid of his bored girlfriend.
Why a man needs a relationship: answers from psychologists
Relationships between a man and a woman – a specific topic, so it makes sense to clarify at once what we will talk about this time, and what exactly is meant by the word “why”. We are not going to tell the obvious to those who already know why they need a relationship. And they are unlikely to be reading this article now, because they are busy doing things (relationships) that are far more interesting than reading scholarly articles.
Moreover, we are not going to explain why relationships are necessary to those who have not needed them for a long time due to various objective and subjective reasons. This article is more for those who are building or intend to build their future: we can help to understand why someone may need a relationship with you. Yes, understanding the other person and what they need from you is often much more important than nurturing their dreams and desires. In any case, if you are interested in a healthy, harmonious relationship.
Now a little about psychologists. Almost every adult considers himself a psychologist, and there are many people with diplomas in psychology. Every year the army of certified psychologists is increasing by several thousand people, and this only among Russian-speaking population our blog is aimed at. All of these psychologists were trained according to the standard programs approved by the Ministry of Education, so they say approximately the same thing, including about relationships.
Our task is, first of all, to present academic concepts in simple human language. And, secondly, to find in the depths of academic science something interesting and useful that will most clearly and figuratively illuminate the question “why do people need relationships?” and perhaps help you find your own exclusive answer to it.
Basic reasons for seeking a relationship
First, let’s break down the basic reasons why men and women go into a relationship. One way or another, all psychologists talk about them, but each in their own way: some in this way, some in another.
The main reasons why people build a relationship:
- Solution of material and housing issues (relevant, first of all, for women who need a protector and extractor).
- The need for a sexual partnership (relevant primarily to men, as a woman is chosen primarily on the basis of her sexual attractiveness).
- Confirmation or increase in social status (the minimum goal is not to stand out and be like everyone else, the maximum goal is to raise their importance in society at the expense of relationships).
- Increase of self-esteem (self-sufficiency is the privilege of a few, most people need a confirmation of their own worthiness in the form of having a partner/partner, husband, family and a feeling of being needed).
- Reproduction instinct, the desire to reproduce (almost all people, even the most selfish ones, want to see “a part of themselves”).
- Compensation (it is okay that I am not beautiful, but I have a rich and influential husband; it is okay that I do not earn enough, but what a beautiful wife I have).
- The desire to manipulate and dominate, the kratic (from the Greek κράτος “power, rule”) motivation (it is much easier to get power over someone who loves you than over any other person).
Purely hypothetically, the last point could be left out, because kratic motivation is also part of the compensation mechanism. For example, for a person who would like to have power, but due to his/her personal qualities can never become the boss, the family relationship becomes the only chance to show who is in charge. However, the topic of achieving power over another person is much broader than simple compensation for one’s own complexes, so it is better to highlight the kratic motivation for building relationships as a separate point.
So, the main reasons that motivate a man and a woman to build a relationship, we have considered. And now let’s return for a moment to the psychologists. There are tons and tons of psychologists, but only a few are in demand… Well, okay, dozens, maximum a couple hundred psychologists in our post-Soviet space, indeed, are read, respected and in demand, and for many generations already. Not so many for a multimillion Russian-speaking population.
Why is this so, if everyone studied according to approximately the same curricula? Because almost everyone sees only the most obvious, which is what they argue about, and only a few see more and deeper than the basic reasons why people build relationships. Few can make sense of the intricacies of reasons and relationships, and answer the question of why you need a relationship and, much more importantly, why a relationship with you might be needed. Let’s try to untangle these intricacies at least a little bit.
Sigmund Freud on Relationships
Sigmund Freud is known for his research on the psychology of the unconscious. It is he who owns the phrase that perhaps most fully reveals the essence of man’s need for relationships: “We do not choose each other by chance – we only meet those who already exist in our subconscious.”
Thus, in Freud’s understanding, a person’s desire for a relationship is more responsible for the subconscious than a conscious choice. So if you figure out what your subconscious is looking for, you’ll easily understand why you really want a relationship.
Now the second and, as we wrote above, more important point. It’s important to understand in whose subconscious mind we already exist. If everyone chooses only those who already exist in their subconsciousness, it means that they choose us according to the same principle. If this is clear, then we have to turn on our consciousness and try the basic patterns on ourselves.
For example, if a woman wants to feel protected always and everywhere, the probability of attracting the attention of an overbearing or even oppressive man is very high. If a man wants to dominate undividedly, then in choosing a partner he can count on some “gray mouse” who does not want to take responsibility for his life. A determined and independent girl is unlikely to tolerate someone’s despotism and total control.
Through the realm of the unconscious, you can look at almost all of the visible and seemingly conscious reasons why people start or continue a relationship. Of course, you are unlikely to correct your subconscious in this way, but at least you will reduce the degree of incomprehension as to why your relationships work out this way and not that way.
And one more thought from the master of psychology: “A woman should soften, not weaken a man. Yes, this idea should be taken into account long before you have your first date. Few men will seek to be with a woman who makes him weaker. But the opportunity to be around someone soft, kind and caring looks clearly more attractive. By the way, being needed is also one of the motives why the stronger sex seeks a relationship with the weaker sex. And one of the differences in motivation for relationships on the part of the strong and the weaker sex.
John Gray on Men and Women
John Gray’s wonderful book called “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” can tell a lot about the differences in male and female psychology to those who will read carefully. And at the same time shed light on the question of why a man needs a relationship. The nuance is that, in John Gray’s mind, the answer to the question “why?” will be different for men and women.
The reasons why men and women build relationships (according to Gray):
- Man needs trust, woman needs care.
- Man wants freedom, woman wants understanding.
- A man feels energized and uplifted if he feels needed.
- A woman feels energized and uplifted if she feels she has someone to take care of her.
- Two needs automatically alternate in a man: intimacy and independence.
- A woman is happy when she knows that her request for help is not a crying voice in the wilderness.
- Love allows us to feel secure, to open our souls and be aware of our feelings.
Yes, the only thing that truly unites a man and a woman is love. Despite all the differences, both men and women strive for love. And, although everyone puts into this word its own meaning, the results are very similar: the confidence in themselves and their own strength, willingness to trust and feel. Perhaps for the sake of this is worth the effort to overcome the differences, even if visible and significant.
Vladimir Levy on love
If love is the highest form of relationship between a man and a woman, a legitimate question arises: can the pursuit of love be the reason that motivates the pursuit of a relationship? Or can love be seen solely as the result of a relationship? And can we say that love is what a relationship is all about?
Perhaps the clearest definition of this relationship was given by the great scholar Vladimir Levy: “You love those you love. They love for anything and for nothing. They love for what they love. No attraction has nothing to do with love, no success, no strength or beauty. Love cannot be earned, love is only given and – accepted or not accepted.
But, if so, why not leave that one point instead of all the basic reasons why people build relationships? Simply because no one can ever predict how long love will last. And if love is the only reason for a relationship, when it ends, the relationship will end.
Few people want to be left alone with the consequences of love gone: shattered hopes, unresolved material problems, raising children alone. This is why a relationship is not identical to love, although it is sad and bad in this life without love. If love arises, according to Levi’s teaching, without any conscious motive, then it is precisely the relationship that can have many of the reasons that we have discussed.
So what is the answer to the question in the title of this article? Why does a person need a relationship? Actually, it doesn’t really matter. The answer can be any of the given options or your own, exclusive, unique, like love. So love and be loved! The rest really doesn’t matter!
And if you want to learn how to build a relationship correctly and effectively, we suggest you take our online program “Building Relationships”, where in 4 weeks you will learn how to build a relationship in which both partners will be happy and satisfied, learn to help cope with difficulties and develop together, to find mutual understanding and live in harmony with your partner.