How to survive a divorce with two kids and stay strong
Since a woman has to go through a divorce with two children almost alone, for the bustle of the divorce process, she often forgets how tragic this ordeal is not only for her, but also for the kids. The reasons for the divorce can be different. Living through the destruction of the family, a woman is left alone with her grief and fear for the future.
However, during a divorce, it can be even more painful for the children. They do not understand why two people closest to them suddenly become strangers to each other. Why daddy stops living with them and why mommy cries all the time. No matter how the divorce procedure went, a woman needs to gain strength and survive it with her two children, so that happiness returns to their little family.
Children’s Reaction to Parents’ Divorce
Most people believe that divorce brings pain to children. And it is best for children to be raised in a family where dad and mom live together. And what kind of psychological environment there is, they do not care at all.
Such an opinion is influenced by the attitude about parental roles that children adopt in the family. It seems to people that in a two-parent family, the child will receive much more attention.
Many believe that a child in order to be able to build personal relationships and create their own hearth, need a complete family. And the confirmation of such a version cite various artistic plots from the world of cinema and literature, a special place is occupied by stories from the experience of acquaintances.
Scandal and conflict, as well as the suffering of children and adults are always associated with divorce. A large number of families prefer the illusion of a good relationship because there are children in the family. They are more concerned about the consequences of the divorce, and how the child will survive it.
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More accurately, most of these families don’t even want to think or imagine what will happen afterwards. It is not customary to discuss it, because it is scary and should not happen. And such family relationships, where the spouses have long ago grown cold, to each other continue.
You need to ask the children who grew up in families where there was the illusion of happiness. Because the parents were together only for them, what would the children say about that. How did they feel in such a family? And do they treat their parents with gratitude for it?
All children are very sensitive to the atmosphere that goes on in the home. Children blame themselves for their parents’ misfortunes and their hatred for each other. And guilt walks with the child for many years.
After divorce, the responsibilities and rights of the parents don’t go anywhere. And children never stop being their parents’ children, even if the family has broken up. It is up to the elders to determine how their relationship will develop and how their children will be raised.
13 psychologist’s tips for getting through a divorce with two children
Do not take the blame for the divorce on yourself.
You should not consider yourself the destroyer of the family, if the decision to divorce was made by you. That family has long ceased to exist. Some people cheat, others lose all their savings, and others have sex only in exceptional cases. And there is no time for the other person. And there are families where you can’t keep alcohol. And if one of the two spouses has decided that the marriage is over, so it is.
But if you after the divorce, with children in your arms, are ready to accept with open arms, and you are sure that you will be happy – go away and do not think. And afterwards, everyone who will tell you that you made the wrong choice, and condemn you for destroying your wonderful family, can go to hell. Life is your decision.
No need to feel sorry for your ex-husband.
Just because there was once a spark and passion between you, you don’t need to try to save the relationship or get into the other’s position. Good riddance to bad play is not a good riddance.
You have children in common. Responsibilities to raise and support them. You can’t force the other spouse to fulfill anything even in the marriage. And after the divorce, there are two options. The first is to do everything yourself and at the same time justify yourself to others. That her husband does not help support the children, and thus whitewash themselves for the fact that they could not keep the family. But here if you have to go through the process of divorce with two children, and you’re on maternity leave, then you need to claim their own. Because your financial options are quite limited.
And if after the court there is an opportunity to get a significant portion, then maybe it’s worth it. Ex-husbands for some reason immediately forget about any oral agreements, as soon as there is another personal life, and this is worth remembering. And the other life shows up quite often.
And that’s when. He will do everything he promised. And your new man thinks your ex isn’t a bad person, but he understands you just fine. The kids have managed to get used to his date, and even call her stepmother as a joke. And his new one periodically calls and complains about him, and you laugh about it together – and only then can you be friends. But keep your distance for sure.
This is no longer your war.
You no longer have to care: not what he says, or what he does, or what games he plays. It’s no longer your concern. And even if he calls and claims that you deleted him from all networks. You can calmly, tell him that he should not care about what is happening in your life.
And if he wants to communicate with the children, then let him communicate with them. No phone at the kids, then let him buy one. This is his headache, not yours.
Do not discuss the reasons for the divorce with the children
But the consequences can and should be discussed with them. For example, where you will live and who will be around you. When they will be able to see their father (be sure to make it clear that Dad says so). And Dad will promise birthday presents and anything else on top, and he will not come, so you will be responsible for everything.
Be sure to resolve controversial points, such as a video call with the children, in which you ask him to explain clearly what he promised. Called, and left the frame, you do not care.
For all his complaints that you set him up, calmly explain that this is his relationship with the children, and you do not have to do anything for him. Your duty is not to turn the children against him, and do not discuss the reasons for the divorce, you do not do it.
As for the reasons for the divorce, they should be discussed only when your children are old enough to form their own opinions and understand you.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
You are going through a difficult period in your life. At the same time you need to solve the psychological problems of the relationship, which has outlived itself. Now you need to consider the lack of help from your spouse in various domestic matters, as well as in material matters. This is especially difficult when you have two children on your hands and you are on maternity leave.
And yes, worries about the children who are left with you, and how they will take it all. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Time will pass, and this situation will be completely different. As clichéd as it sounds, everything will work out. Pain and suffering will recede into the background, children will get used to the new situation, and become a support for you in any situation. And at that point, you will be able to help others.
Be with your children as much as you can.
No matter what age your children are, the news about the divorce will be taken as a blow. They may not have justified their father’s actions, and they may not have made some decisions. Nevertheless, the divorce will be very painful for them.
Inevitably, children will be hysterical and behave periodically unbearable. And only you decide how to get out of it. Find a hobby to your liking, and get away from the negativity. Let the children spend time in the company of grandmothers or babysitters, or with their father. And you in the meantime, gather joy and happiness, and you can be a fun mom again.
Make pauses, give yourself an opportunity to rest. And do not forget to let your children know that you need time to yourself. And that’s when you come to yourself and are ready to share your energy. No one’s stopping you from having pillow fights or eating a whole mountain of candy all together.
You do not know where to put the aggression that has already accumulated in each of you. Go to the gym, or on a trampoline, believe me, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Show your kids that their mom is not a robot who does everything on automatic. While trying to convince everyone and yourself that life goes on and she’s doing well. No one will forbid you to organize various competitions with children, let it be either a game and darts, or arm wrestling, just look for opportunities. And children will admire such a strong mother.
Don’t turn your children against your spouse.
Remember that any bad things you say about your father play against you. Children unconsciously take half the blame.
Your job is to explain to them that they are not responsible for their parents splitting up. Without understanding why this happened, children blame themselves. All the feelings they are experiencing, you should not ignore. It is better to talk to them, be honest, answer any questions that pique their interest. They need to know that it is not their fault.
Be aware of what’s going on.
Stop, think and realize what is happening to you at this moment. And you will analyze and understand how you feel, and at what point you are. And believe me, you will feel better.
Fool around.
Be spontaneous, have a pajama party or spend the day in threes watching your favorite cartoons and eating ice cream. No one will judge you, you want to be friends with kids. So be a friend to them.
Take time out.
The most difficult period, it’s the first months, when you still have not recovered from the shock. That’s why it’s so important to put everything on pause at this point. Any flighty decisions and actions that are only driven by emotion can lead to unfortunate results. Now it is vital for you to bring your thoughts and feelings back to normal, and learn to assess what is happening soberly.
Return to the “here and now.
Be in this very moment. Learn to see the beauty of the world around you. Breathe with your chest full of joy in everything that surrounds you. Because the world is so beautiful. Do not think about the past, it’s already behind you. There are so many wonderful moments ahead of you, and you will be able to appreciate them when all the negativity recedes.
Take care of your health
Remember, in a healthy body, a healthy spirit. Make your body an ally during this difficult time in life.
Learn all the rules of a healthy lifestyle. Don’t forget about good and quality nutrition. Get active in sports and spend more time outdoors. This is a great way to get energy for the whole day. And believe me, sleep problems will go away for a long, long time.
Make a pleasure contract with yourself.
Grab a piece of paper and a pen, or better yet, let it be a nice notebook. Find a quiet place and start dreaming. Write down a few points of what you would love to accomplish. Let it be traveling or beading, or maybe driving a car. Anything that would make you happy.
Write yourself a note or a contract where you commit to doing something on this list every day. And then you can start to feel the change in yourself.
Now that you’ve been able to help yourself, it’s time to help your child.
Helping Children Through Divorce
Children are very sensitive to any changes in the parental relationship, even the slightest rift will immediately notice the child.
Unconsciously, they compare themselves 50-50 with each parent. And as soon as they hear something bad about their dad or mom, they take it to heart. There is no need to force the child to choose the side of one of the parents. This way you can cause irreparable damage to the child’s fragile psyche. If one spouse allows you to express your negative feelings about the other, then the child who relates himself to them will take it all personally. And trying to please one or the other parent, the child will experience great internal conflicts. And in the future it can have repercussions on his whole life.
Your task is to help your child through this moment. Talk to him, don’t leave him alone with his fears and doubts, don’t push him away. Don’t hide the fact that you have made the decision to separate. If children hear such news from others, it will be much worse. Be open and honest, answer questions, don’t hide anything. And then the child will be able to understand that there is no fault in the divorce.
There are no universal solutions and answers to understanding how to go through a divorce with your children, because all cases are unique.
Of course, a big role will be played by how the relationship in the family was structured before. And that after the breakup, both mom and dad will not stop loving their child.
Children’s perception of the world is based on their relationship with their parents. They will judge their changes in life by your reaction to events. If mom is constantly aggressive and depressed, the child’s world may be destroyed. But it is parents have to ensure the safety of their children. A calm and confident mom can give her love and attention. It depends on you and only on you, what kind of child will grow up. Mom in harmony with herself – the key to a successful life.
Share the responsibility between the spouses is necessary. The husband can, for example, to take away in the afternoon or take to extra classes and occasionally spend a weekend with the children. The spouse is responsible for the day-to-day activities, such as feeding, entertaining, and helping with anything else that needs to be done.
Emotional security of all family members is very important in such a difficult period of life as a divorce. In your power to make the atmosphere calm and safe. And behavior show joy, happiness and a positive attitude. Once you yourself believe that things will get better over time, then your child can also be convinced of this. Going through a family breakup is always easier with your children than it is alone.
How to Decide to Get a Divorce with 2 Young Children
How do you decide to get a divorce if it’s just the kids that are holding on? How do you not blame yourself for depriving your children of a complete family? Two children 6 years old and 3 years old. Mortgage. Joint business with my husband. But it has become impossible to live, constant reproaches, dissatisfaction, claims, or just a breakdown on me bad moods or problems at work, with staff, in business. Another thing that fuels this crisis. I am 30 years old. My husband is a little older. We have been together for 10 years, married for 7 years. I look good, I take care of myself, I am educated, there are no bad habits. My children love me very much and they love me too. But I do not feel like a woman. I feel a consumer attitude. I feel like I am pulling the house, the family, the business. There is no gratitude, no compliments, absolutely nothing, everything is taken for granted. Don’t think I’m trying to praise myself, I’m just writing on the facts. It’s very hard. I wake up and feel miserable. I cry in the morning or in the evening into my pillow just from unhappiness. How do you decide to get a divorce if you have a joint mortgage, business, children. We need to start all over again – from finding a place to live, to find a job (work, of course, you can always find, here I do not doubt their abilities, before a joint business and children worked and changed jobs without difficulty, it would be a desire, I just understand that the income needs well, at least not below average, to be able to cope with children. ) Help with advice. Support? Tell me how to decide. Very frightening the unknown. Thank you.
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Can’t you get a job and a place to live first, and then move out and file for divorce?
And why should you and your children move out if they have everything in common? Probably a common business only because your husband built it in your presence, and the apartment was bought in your presence, i.e., during the marriage
I have exactly the same situation, only the child is one. I decided to go with the flow, I’m afraid of divorce, especially a common business restrains. I hate my husband (it’s mutual). Honestly, I hope that he will find a woman and move out on his own, and my son and I will stay in the apartment. But it’s just a dream, it’s all dead-end(
Break up the family and find the next bachelor – he’ll shower you with compliments and accept your trailers as his own.
The apartment in the mortgage, the business is unclear what (rental stall with a shawarma in the pavement) and two small shits (also not known from whom), the chick – short-sighted and with great ambition)))
I would have run away without a backward glance, leaving you and a hut and two trailers and a “business”.
The apartment is mortgaged, I can’t afford it alone. I’d have to sell it and exchange it for a smaller place. There’s maternity capital involved. If I leave the business, looking for work – this is a big step. This is not just go find a job. This is already a big change. He can’t do it alone. I can’t do it alone, and I don’t want to. And I can not – I have children. Business (services) I do not need. I am not a manager. I am tired of this business. Well this is all material. More worried about something else, that my children do not understand me and then suddenly in the future will be blamed for depriving them of a complete family? And now, how will they survive? It seems like we live, everything goes its way, and then bam – my mom decided to break everything.
I have exactly the same situation, only the child is one. I decided to go with the flow, I’m afraid of divorce, especially a common business restrains. I hate my husband (it’s mutual). Honestly, I hope that he will find a woman and move out on his own, and my son and I will stay in the apartment. But it’s just a dream, it’s all dead-end(
I know what you mean! How I understand. Myself would be happy if he had found someone else. Let’s not even leave, and everything left, and he put an end to it. But that, too, seems unrealistic.
If you get divorced, you’ll find someone else. Do you think everyone dreams of a 30 year old woman with two small children?! You’re gonna have a hell of a time!
He was just tired, that’s how he acts, go to a psychologist, open a new kind of sex, try to leave the kids with someone and run off somewhere to have a rest. In short, you need radical changes in your life urgently! With her husband together to take them, but definitely NOT divorce!
The author lives alone, and if you feel bad – then of course, decide and change everything! Understand, the children suffer more when they see an unhappy mother! How to decide, yes, very simple. Go to court, file for divorce and division of property. Go to a lawyer, outline the situation. Let him handle your divorce. Move in with your parents or a rented home. Next, the children are clearly in kindergarten.There is time. Look for work. He who seeks, he will find. You live in hell, and the children have put there too. Daddy is always angry yells and you cry – you think they will be happy in such an atmosphere, just because they grow up in a full family? Please, the children will thank you.
I was in a similar situation myself. When I was 30 I also filed for divorce. I had a child. Only we didn’t have an apartment, we lived on a rented one for all 7 years of our marriage. I went to my parents, filed for divorce. Divorced. The child went to kindergarten, I went to work. I sighed with relief! Such a pleasure to live without him – the eternally evil man, who must serve 24 hours a day is not clear for what services. After that my parents helped me: they exchanged a three-room flat, my son and I got our own apartment – small, but our own. I began to earn good money, I went with friends to the fitness pool, to the beautician, to store, my son and I went to Europe. How well I divorced! began to communicate with men in the evenings on SZ.And I met there with my second husband.Together we have 8 years. I adore him, he treats me like crystal. Completely different attitude.So much passion loving care from him)) a good, kind man, an athlete. And my son joined sports. A former don’t know where, they say he drank himself to death. when i was there, he started to drink his failures, and shouted and yelled, and used to beat me in front of my son. I saved my child from such a terrible family, he is happy, and so am I. Do not be afraid.Stop raping yourself in this marriage.
And in two and a half years.
The author’s life is one, and if you feel bad – then of course, decide and change everything! Understand, the children suffer more when they see an unhappy mother! How to decide, yes very simple. Go to court, file for divorce and division of property. Go to a lawyer, outline the situation. Let him handle your divorce. Move in with your parents or a rented home.Next, the children are clearly in kindergarten.There is time. Look for work. Who looks, he will find. You live in hell, and the children have put there too. Daddy is always angry yells and you cry, you think they will be happy in such an atmosphere, just because they grow up in a full family? Please, the kids will thank you. I was in a similar situation myself. I filed for divorce when I was 30. I had a kid. Only we didn’t have an apartment, we lived on a rented place for 7 years of our marriage. I went to my parents, filed for divorce. Divorced. The child went to kindergarten, I went to work. I sighed with relief! Such a buzz to live without him – the eternally evil man, who must serve 24 hours a day is not clear for what services. After that my parents helped me: they exchanged a three-room flat, my son and I got our own apartment – small, but our own. I began to make good money, went with friends to the fitness pool, to the beautician, to store, my son and I went to Europe.How well I divorced! began to communicate with men in the evenings on SZ.And met there with my second husband.Together we have 8 years.I adore him, he treats me like crystal. Cardinally different attitude.So much passion loving care from him)) a good, kind man, an athlete. And my son joined sports. A former I do not know where, they say drunk completely. he even with me started to pour his failures with beer, and yelled and yelled, and sometimes beat me in front of my son.I saved my child from such a terrible family, he is happy, and I am too.Do not be afraid.Stop raping yourself in this marriage. And in two and a half years.
Mom and two small children. Is it realistic to be alone?
A man on a date refused to eat my food.
Mom. husband, me and our kids
Tired, get a divorce or is there still some way to fix things
Divorce with 3 kids.
If you get divorced, you’ll find someone, do you think everyone dreams of a 30 year old woman with two little kids?!
Nowhere did I write that I wanted to find someone. Anyway, that’s not the first thing. The question is different. So stop spouting bile in all the threads.
