The crisis of 7 years of relationship and life together, and how to overcome it
There is a theory that after certain intervals, every couple faces a cooling of feelings, and the crisis of 7 years of relationship is just one of them. What does it mean? When two lovers approach this threshold, the strength of their relationship is threatened. Research conducted by Incontri-ExtraConiugali.com suggests that the number of years spent together can even affect the propensity for infidelity.
The answers were disappointing: half of the 1,000 women surveyed admitted that after seven years of marriage or cohabitation at least once they thought about cheating. They were joined by 600 men out of 1000 interviewed. While after 18 years of living together the tendency to go out fornication decreases rapidly and amounts to only 1 case out of 10. But of course, this is true only for those who were able to pass the “point of no return” and keep the family.
So what is so scary about the number 7? Let’s look into it.
Myth Crisis 7 or reality
The first thing any person who wants to understand the intricacies of relationships encounters is why 7? To find an explanation for why many believe in the mystical influence of the seven, we must go back to the origins. One theory of personality formation states that a person’s life can be divided into periods, each of which lasts for 7 years.
That is, once you reach this threshold, you change and enter a new sphere: at 7, you go to school, at 14 you must decide on your future profession, at 21 you start trying your hand at career, at 28 you think about having a family and having children.
But you should not be guided only by this rule. In fact, the crisis can affect your couple at any time, and you do not have to wait for a certain date. Periods such as one year, three years and seven years are based on symbolism: the anniversary, the Holy Trinity, the Trinity Kingdom, seven notes, seven days of the week, seven deadly sins, seven hills on which Rome was erected.
In other words, the number 7 is shrouded in the necessary aura of mystery to keep it in mind. We should not forget that now it is customary to postpone marriage, more and more people are beginning to take a responsible approach to the decision to bind themselves with the bonds, which in some cases alienates the crisis, and in other cases brings it closer.
The crisis in the relationship: the causes and how to get over it?
What science says.
Even the strongest relationships sometimes go through tough times. Unfortunately, it is impossible to be immune from this, because the causes lie in human nature itself: passion is transformed into tenderness, routine and household issues steal time that you could spend alone, there are children who require attention, life goals change, physiological problems arise, such as erectile dysfunction or decreased libido.
And one of the main reasons for quarrels in a couple are still unresolved financial issues. Every couple faces many difficulties. There are those who successfully overcome them, those who suppress their needs and continue to stay together, and those who prefer to break up.
When you see a grandfather gently holding his elderly spouse under his elbow, think about the enormous amount of compromise they had to make to keep their relationship alive. And you can do just as well.
Science has tried to provide a logical explanation for why people tend to believe the rumor that the seventh year is a turning point. Helen Fisher, a renowned American anthropologist and researcher of interpersonal relationships, gave the world her signature project, in which she analyzed the number of marriages and divorces from all sorts of databases.
As it turned out, indeed, the seventh year of life together was an insurmountable boundary for many, but most relationships ended earlier when the fourth anniversary came around.
The explanation for this phenomenon, she said, is not to be found in domestic causes, but in the principle of evolution itself. To demonstrate this, she urged the audience to look closely at the behavior of birds and mammals.
Most animal pairs stay together long enough to raise offspring, then they separate. Fisher argues that despite the lack of instincts, humans unconsciously copy this kind of reproductive behavior because at age 4 a child no longer needs the unbroken presence of parents, and at age 7 they are quite capable of making their own decisions.
How to survive a crisis and if it makes sense
A crisis in a relationship, if handled properly, allows both partners to become more aware of their roles and promotes individual and shared growth.
3 reasons to keep a marriage alive:
- Love. As cliché as it sounds, if you have feelings for your partner and know they are mutual, it’s worth trying to rekindle the spark. Sometimes the darkness around you thickens so much that it’s incredibly hard to see anything good in each other, but if after a fight you still have the desire to go back to that person’s house and lie in the same bed with them, all is not lost;
- Children. They should never be the only reason for preserving a family relationship, but they will do just fine in a collateral role. Children are great at sensing unspoken objections and hidden connotations, don’t use them as a bargaining chip. Let them serve as a reason for a conciliatory conversation and an incentive to make concessions;
- shared values and goals. The longer you are together, the better you get to know each other. This applies not only to the positives, but also to many quirks, habits and principles. Parents are no longer the light in the window for you, no one knows you better than your partner. This both brings you closer together and creates tension that leads to disagreements. But if you remember that you not only have a common past, but also a common future, it will keep you from making rash decisions.
The key to saving the relationship
Communication is the key to making sure your relationship doesn’t backfire in the face of the first storm. If you realize that your dialogues are deadlocked and you lack an “umpire,” it’s worth talking to a marriage counselor. Most likely, when you suggest this to your partner, he will take the categorical position that you already know each other very well, why do you need someone else.
But often this position is the reason why you no longer listen to your partner, because you think you can predict all his thoughts and actions in advance. You subconsciously put a filter on your experience and thereby influence your own perception. It’s sad when your spouse says he or she understands you and is ready to make things right, and you think, “Well, well, he’s ready, I’ve heard that somewhere before.”
- Make dates and make a conscious effort to make time for each other.
- Talk not only about the kids’ problems and family matters, but also about your feelings.
- Collect memories together, take “unloading” days.
- Make lists of what you appreciate in each other, and refer to them in difficult times.
- Give yourself time. Serious relationship problems can’t be solved with one conversation.
Don’t panic at the word “crisis” and maniacally google whether there is life after divorce. Don’t focus on the problems. Instead, try to convey your desires to your partner in a positive way. You can’t freeze the relationship, make it stay the same. Your task together is to grow and evolve while remaining united.
The crisis of 7 years of marriage
If two people – a man and a woman – start living together, they probably imagine their relationship as ideal beforehand. However, in this case it is simply impossible to do without negative moments, too. Rare conflict situations can still be easily overcome, but prolonged conflicts can turn into a crisis.
A crisis is a direct path to the breakup of a relationship. To keep your family safe from tragedy, you need to study some issues. To do so, you can review the following information.
What is it?
The science of psychology states that the crisis of 7 years of marriage is a turning point in the life of a man and a woman. Why? Because both are fed up with each other. Nevertheless, the spouses at the same time and realize their responsibility to the other half, and remember the beautiful moments. And they also both realize that love hasn’t gone anywhere.
After seven years of marriage both spouses are often irritated by all kinds of trifles, and as a result of a crisis. People treat such a phenomenon with apprehension, and for good reason. The crisis is a certain line, beyond which there may be a gap where all the joint plans and hopes for the future may fail.
But you have to understand: the crisis is not a sentence. Moreover, sometimes due to the crisis people begin to understand each other better and listen to the opinion of the other half. The crisis is a turning point, which subsequently either strengthens the relationship or finally breaks it off.
That is why the crisis of 7 years of marriage is called an individual manifestation, revealing the underlying issues of the search for the meaning of coexistence of spouses. If partners want to fix the relationship and get through the crisis, they must act together. Taking the right steps will help eradicate the unhealthy issues that are getting in the way of getting the relationship in order.
After seven years of living together, the husband and wife grow up. They realize that it is impossible to go on living in a pattern.
The crisis that arises helps both spouses completely change their thinking, so that the marriage partners begin to look for compromises and show compassion for the people closest to them.
Why does it happen?
A crisis in a marriage exposes those aspects that are considered weak. It is a kind of catalyst, “triggering” the process of renewal in the relationship of two loving people. There are moments that unequivocally have a negative impact on the relationship. Consider them.
Routine in a relationship kills feelings. If nothing interesting happens around, and the spouses are busy making money and raising children, if something does not go according to plan, complete frustration sets in.
The couple has had periods of cooling off in their relationship in the past. This experience left a negative mark. Now, when a problem arose, there was an overlap of all the difficulties at the same time. From this, the destructive mood increased like a snowball.
The proverb says, “The love boat broke up with everyday life” . This is how people explain the breakup.
Decline in sexual attraction . As a result of a long relationship, the partners get to know each other well and reach a “climax.” Therefore, their intimate life becomes boring.
Problems that arise along the way unequivocally destroy all the romance that was previously observed.
The domination of one spouse over the other is also a frequent cause of the crisis.
If one of the spouses as a child did not have a normal family, where parents treat each other well, in this case, too, there may be difficulties in the marriage.
If one of the partners were in illusory dreams before marriage, then after the collapse of unrealistic expectations of life together may also collapse. A crisis in the relationship will follow as a result.
Infidelity one of the spouses can lead to a crisis in the relationship, and even to its rupture.
How does it manifest itself?
Psychologists are well versed in the signs that indicate a crisis in the relationship. Also, experts say: if you notice in time the symptoms that indicate a crisis in the relationship, you can quickly fix everything. Negative manifestations have certain characteristics. Let’s consider them.
If difficult conflict situations arise between the spouses because of various trifles, you need to pay attention to this. For example, the wife boiled soup and under-salted it. The husband tasted the soup and threw a scandal. Perhaps he did so out of spite, rather than salt the soup to his liking.
One of the spouses is avoiding intimacy. This manifests a reluctance to be in an overly intimate relationship with one’s partner.
Both spouses treat each other with disdain and even irritation. For example, the husband (wife) made a small mistake. Because of this, a huge scandal erupted in the family. Both spouses are “flooding” each other with recriminations and accusations.
One of the spouses feels he is being victimized . He no longer wants to live in the family, but he has to do so for whatever reason. For example, he doesn’t leave the family because of the children.
Constant bad moods in the husband or wife.
Lack of trust between spouses.
The general characteristic of the manifestation of the crisis is simple: there are constantly unpleasant moments in the family that make life together unbearable.
How to cope?
Of course, if both spouses are interested in continuing the relationship, their marriage can be saved. Only joint efforts will help to overcome the crisis.
Get your partner’s opinion
One thing to always remember is that if conflict has arisen, it must be resolved. In order to eliminate conflict, a frank dialogue is necessary. Spouses should talk to each other to convey their aspirations and desires. If you store negativity in yourself, the problem in the relationship will only grow.
To prevent this from happening, act according to this scheme:
Tell your partner that you need to have a frank conversation;
Explain to your partner the reason you want to talk to him or her;
Set a time for the conversation;
Choose a place for the important conversation so that you will not be disturbed;
Once the conversation has begun, take your partner’s hand to establish tactile contact;
express your opinion, and then listen carefully to the other side.
Do not raise your voice in any way during the conversation and do not get nervous.
Solve problems in private.
Everything that happens in your family should stay in your family. Remember this rule. If you’re constantly violating it, the conflict in your relationship will only grow. Remember that if you trust strangers, you can hurt the family. No one guarantees that the “advisers” will act in your interests, and not in their personal.
Be aware that among the advisers may be your enemies, of which you are not even aware. And what kind of advice can give the enemy? Very bad. So refuse outside help, and solve your problems only in a small circle. In addition, this way you also eliminate such unpleasant things like gossip and gossip behind their backs.
Give your husband privacy
Stop taking everything and everyone under personal control. Keep in mind: in the family should be equal. All family members must have personal space. Let everyone be free to make their own choices. If your partner wants to do something, let him do it. Otherwise you will gradually push your husband away, and he will start looking for comfort on the side.
Touch each other
Tactile touch brings people very close to each other. So cuddle more with your husband or wife . Hold hands while walking and take care of each other. Life is fleeting, so you need time to share warmth with your loved one.
Improve your leisure time
The monotony in life makes this life very boring. This is where the problems begin. People need to have fun. This way the psyche is unloaded. So go out into nature more often, socialize with friends, and go on long trips.
And also note: a family without children has a very hard time. Spouses will be bored, if in time in their lives there will be no children. It is not without reason they say that children are the flowers of life. If they are around parents, they become much more interesting to communicate with each other, as they have common interests.
Determine the time for solving family issues
You should not gloss over the problems – you need to solve them together. Wife and husband should not have any secrets from each other. This will help to survive the various crises that occur from time to time in the lives of spouses. Therefore, you can even allocate certain hours, which will be devoted to the solution of urgent issues.
Leave the past behind.
People who are in a marriage that lasts more than seven years accumulate some negativity. For example, one of the spouses holds some kind of resentment in his or her soul. There is no need to do that. Forgive each other and forget resentments.
Any negativity must be “lifted” from your shoulders. And it is even better to avoid such situations that can lead to misunderstanding. Therefore, try to fulfill these conditions.
Make a sincere apology
If you feel that you hurt your other half, you should definitely apologize. No matter how you do it. What matters is that your remorse comes from the heart.
Respect each other
Respect is the key to a great relationship between people. Spouses should not only love each other, but also respect. So do not humiliate your second half and do not insult your loved one.
Remember: there are very few people in the world who are willing to sincerely support you in a difficult moment. Family – is your bulwark.
What can make the situation worse?
A crisis in the family can destroy the family. This is all the more likely to happen if the destructive mood of the spouses will gradually increase. What to do in this case? It is necessary to read the advice of a psychologist.
Do not be angry with each other. Anger tends to accumulate in a person’s soul. Subsequently it is capable of destroying even the strongest relationship.
There is no need to argue about nothing. Tolerance for the other person’s opinion – is the key to success.
If you do spite each other, your relationship will collapse.
A selfish attitude in the family will lead to the breakup of the relationship.
How do you know if this is the way to break up?
Relationships between spouses are ambiguous, and as a result, divorce can happen very unexpectedly. Naturally, such a phenomenon is quite painful for both spouses. Therefore, you should anticipate the approaching breakup in order to take preventive measures.
So let’s look at the signs of its approach.
If the “game is one-way”, you need to be alert. For example: the wife (husband) “sacrifices himself” in the relationship. One of the spouses in this case gives everything, and the other takes everything away. And the person who takes away does not want to give anything back to his or her other half. Eventually, the sacrificer gradually becomes disillusioned with the marriage and files for divorce.
The quarrels become more and more painful, and their nature becomes protracted.
Both spouses become very irritable and nervous when they are around each other.
Spouses stop caring about each other. They are indifferent to the problems in their family.
There is almost no intimacy between the spouses.
Spouses feel alienated. Some even experience outright animosity and hatred towards one another.