Conflicts in the family – covering the issue

How to solve a protracted family conflict.

The closer a person is to us, the more painful the quarrel with him, the brighter the resentment against him. It happens that even many years later a long-standing family conflict affects our life. What steps to take to untangle the tangle of misunderstanding and conflict and return peace of mind?

Conflicts in families often have a complicated structure: there are many claims to each other, unspoken grievances, unwillingness to understand the other party or to forgive him.

Sometimes the conflict takes such a neglected form that avoidance of each other or unwillingness to talk are the only options for peaceful coexistence. Desperate to find understanding, people live together, but at the same time apart, physically or psychologically detached from each other.

The simplest and most effective method – frankly talk – is often impossible. Trust is lost, and the relative is perceived as the enemy.

What to do if there is a long-standing unresolved conflict in the family

Whether you find yourself in a similar situation, avoidant or attacker, guilty or unfairly offended, it’s important to answer the questions that begin the whole job.

  • Tell yourself: what do you want to do about the situation? Get on with the relationship? Speak up and assert your boundaries? End the relationship? Leave things as they are?
  • Try to analyze your condition by asking yourself: “How do I feel about the circumstances?”
  • Inform yourself: “I feel resentment, irritation/pain/despair.” Pay attention to your feelings, try to get to know them better in order to understand what they indicate.

Marina and her aunt

Marina began to feel resentment toward her aunt. When meeting her, the girl felt a vague sense of unease and bewilderment. When it was time to send out birthday invitations to relatives, Marina struggled to write one for her aunt.

Paying attention to her feelings of anxiety and reluctance to see her, Marina realized that these feelings were related to the sarcastic comments her aunt was making in a sauce of sarcastic humor. Marina decided to report this to her aunt and ask her to stop making jokes like that.

Fortunately, her aunt managed to hear Marina’s claim and she confessed that she was using her sarcasm as a defense because she felt aging and ugly. Trust and connection between the in-laws was restored thanks to the sincerity and courage of both.

Listening to Yourself

First and foremost, decide what you want for yourself. This will determine your strategy for behavior in the conflict. You can ask yourself the questions: “How would I like to feel in this situation? What might be the best outcome?”

Ivan and his father

When Ivan was 8 years old, his father got drunk and left the family, ceasing to take part in the upbringing of the children. The boy and his older brother were brought up by their mother. Ivan took his father’s passing very hard and deeply missed him for many years.

On his thirtieth birthday he received a call from his father who wanted to talk to him. Ivan, though he longed for his father, was used to being without him and was in no hurry to let him back into his life.

Thanks to several meetings with the psychologist, Ivan realized that he did not mind reacquainting himself with his father, but it was extremely important to him that he acknowledge his mistake and apologize to him, his brother and their mother. What was important to the son was not the nominal presence of his father in their lives, but the full processing of that family tragedy. He wanted his father to acknowledge his responsibility for that decision.

The father, upon hearing such a condition, burst into a tirade about how they were punishing him, even though life had already done that. Ivan realized that he would never get the chance to be heard and that his father, as hard as it was to admit, was not a man he could rely on. Their communication ended as spontaneously as it had begun. True, this time Ivan knew it was for the best.

Concrete Steps

Consider what specific actions you can take to affect the situation. What exactly can you do to make you feel better?

Artem and his mom.

Artem and his mom have always had a strained relationship. When Artem moved into his own apartment, he became even more distant from his mother and quite toughly suppressed her attempts to get in touch. Along with this he felt guilty, but he did not have the strength to clear up their chronic conflict.

After a while he decided that he would openly tell his mother that he did not want to communicate with her and ask her not to call him. And whatever the reaction, he was determined to keep his boundaries. He felt that being away for a while would help him work through his attitude toward his mother internally.

Typical family conflicts: causes and resolution

Unfortunately, family conflicts are a very hot topic today. But the family for many people is the most valuable thing they have, which means that you should try with all your might to preserve it and make the relationship as strong as possible. For this reason, we decided to devote today’s article to typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them.

Typical family conflicts

So from time to time in almost every family there are problematic situations caused by conflicting interests, motives and needs. These situations are, in fact, conflicts.

Family conflicts can be different, that is, those in which the role of confronting parties can be spouses, children, parents and children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and other relatives. However, the most common are conflicts between spouses and conflicts between parents and children, which can be called a typical family conflict. Let’s look at each of them in detail.

Family conflicts: conflicts between spouses – the causes and resolution.

In most cases, conflicts between spouses arise because their needs are not met. The main causes of such conflicts are:

  • Incompatibility of the spouses psychosexually
  • Unmet need for affirmation of personal worthiness and lack of respect of one partner for the other partner’s sense of dignity
  • Unmet need in receiving positive emotions because of the lack of attention, understanding, care
  • One partner tends to satisfy his own needs only
  • Unmet need for mutual understanding and help when it comes to such matters as dealing with parents, raising children, running a household, etc.
  • Different desires for free time and differences in hobbies and interests

In addition, there are special factors that affect the marital relationship – these are the crisis periods. It is considered that there are four such periods.

The first period is the first year of married life together. This period includes the adaptation of people to each other and the so-called evolution of feelings when two individuals become one.

The second period is the period of appearance of children. At this stage there is a deterioration of the spouses’ opportunities for career and professional growth, reduction of opportunities for independent self-actualization not related to professional activity, the wife’s state of chronic fatigue caused by taking care of the child and which may lead to a temporary decrease in libido, and clashes of spouses’ views on the process of child rearing.

The third period is the period of middle adulthood, during which there are mainly conflicts of monotony, because the constant presence of the spouses with each other and receiving the same experiences affects the over-saturation of people with each other.

The fourth period is the final period, which comes in most cases after 20-25 years of life together. Its causes are the feeling of loneliness, which is associated with the fact that children leave the paternal home, as well as the approaching period of old age.

The greatest impact on the emergence of conflicts between spouses can also have external factors, such as the constant employment of the husband or wife, the deterioration of the financial situation of the family, the inability to find a good job, to buy a home, to send children to kindergarten or school, etc. There are also social reasons, such as changing moral values, new views on the place of women in the family, economic crises and so on, but this, of course, is already secondary.

Resolution of conflicts between spouses depends on what concessions they are willing to make for each other, what they are willing to understand and forgive (sorry for the meme). And one of the basic conditions, if the spouses really want to resolve the conflict, is to refuse to win the conflict situation.

One must understand that victory, if it is achieved at the expense of defeating a loved one, is no longer a victory. No matter what guilt lies on the loved one, you must always respect him/her. Therefore, first of all, you need to ask yourself what is the reason for the particular behavior of your “other half” and what is of greatest concern to you. In addition, you should avoid one common mistake – to devote to your problems those around you: acquaintances, friends, neighbors and even relatives. This is never the right thing to do, because the welfare of the family is in the hands of the couple.

Separate attention should be paid to the most radical way of resolving conflicts between spouses: divorce. According to family psychologists, it can be preceded by three stages:

  • Emotional – alienation of the partners from each other, indifference, loss of love and trust
  • Physical – separate living from each other
  • Legal – documented dissolution of marriage

Although in many situations divorce can rid people of resentment, dishonesty, negative emotions and other things that have marred life, it can also have the opposite effect – destructive. These are neuropsychiatric disorders, depression, childhood psychological trauma, chronic dissatisfaction with life, disappointment in the opposite sex, etc. Therefore, there must be the most serious reasons for divorce, and the spouses themselves must be sure that this is the right step, which will only benefit them.

Family conflicts: conflicts between parents and children – causes and resolution

Conflicts between parents and children – this is another type of typical family conflicts, which arise no less frequently than conflicts between spouses. The main causes of such conflicts are:

  • The nature of the relationship within the family. Relationships can be harmonious and disharmonious. In a harmonious family there is a balance between the psychological roles of all family members, and a family “We” is formed. In disharmonious families, there are conflicts between spouses, mental tension, neurotic disorders, and chronic anxiety in children.
  • Destructive family upbringing. It is characterized by disagreements of spouses on education, inadequacy, inconsistency and inconsistency of the educational process, prohibitions in any areas of children’s life and heightened requirements for children, as well as condemnations, censures, punishments, threats. Are defined as transitional stages from one stage of childhood education to another. Here it is possible to note children’s irritability, moodiness, obstinacy, disobedience, conflict with others, mostly with parents. All in all, there are several age crises: up to age 1, 3 years, 6-7 years, 12-14 years, and 15-17 years.
  • The personal factor. This includes features of the personality of both parents and children. Speaking of parents, we can mention conservatism and stereotypical thinking, adherence to bad habits. If we talk about children, we can highlight poor academic performance, behavioral disorders, inattention to what parents say, selfishness, self-confidence, arrogance.

We can safely say that conflicts between parents and children are the result of improper behavior of both. According to this, such conflicts can be resolved in the following ways.

First, it is necessary to increase the pedagogical culture of parents, which will allow to take into account the psychological features and psycho-emotional states of children due to age.

Secondly, families should organize themselves on the basis of collective ideas. It is necessary to find and define a common perspective of development, family obligations, family traditions, hobbies and passions.

Third, verbal demands must be necessarily backed up by actions and educational measures so that parents are always an authority and an example to follow.

Fourthly, we must show every interest in the children’s inner world, take part in their hobbies, worries and problems, and cultivate their spirituality.

To summarize, we can say the following.

In order to avoid conflict in the family, you must respect not only themselves but also people close to them, not to accumulate resentment and let as little negative things into their lives. Make comments should be made gently and tactfully, and arising problems to solve together (children, if they are not concerned, do not devote them).

Treat yourself and your family members adequately. Remember that you can be right not always. Strive for trust and understanding, be attentive and responsive. Look for common ground, spend leisure and recreation together, do family art and, most importantly, do not let the pressure of gray everyday life paint in dark colors the most important thing in your life – love and good relationships with your loved ones.

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