Cheating wife how to be – set out in detail
Looking for “adultery how to survive”?
I am a family psychologist who helps couples with cheating.
In this article I will try to give advice that you can apply yourself.
Cheating is hard. And for men, finding out about their wife’s cheating is especially hard.
Cheating wife, how to get over it if it hurts and hurts? And in general – why did it happen? What to do next?
About this – in the article.
Infidelity of his wife – a big blow to the husband. Hit not only on the sense of trust, but also, to hide it, the self-esteem of men.
Because if the treason of the husband in our society is perceived with some indulgence. But cheating on his wife – to put it mildly – is perceived very badly.
For the man it is important that he “as a male” was ahead of everyone. It is important to know that his “female” is only his “female”. Animal instincts are at work.
And to know that someone has slept with his wife – can mean for a man that he “as a male” is inferior. Worse than the “competitor.” Means that he was preferred to someone else.
It feels like an element of competition. And bruised ego plays a big role in the experience. It makes a tangible contribution.
But how is it really? Is it all as men imagine?
Hasten to please (or vice versa – to upset) the stronger half of humanity. Women are very rarely cheat if they are dissatisfied with some male qualities. Sometimes even a lover may not be as good in bed as her husband. And sometimes it can be frankly worse.
So why did she cheat?
It can happen for a variety of reasons.
1) When the lover was able to give what the wife needed so badly emotionally. Needed but couldn’t get in the marriage. A sense of attention, intimacy, trust.
Because it’s no secret that if cheating happened, all was probably not so good in the marriage.
There may have been some hidden problems. That the spouses turned a blind eye to. Sometimes there would be fighting in the family. But the matter did not move from the dead point. Going to a psychologist could have solved the problem – but most likely the husband and wife did not dare.
And then there was a neighbor or a colleague or just a stranger who could listen and comfort. And with him something could be discussed. Which the husband, due to the fact that the relationship is in rupture, did not do, unfortunately.
2) It could have been cheating out of revenge. When the husband could say to his wife something like: “well, who needs you so much”, “look at yourself” and so on.
And then the cheating was done as if out of spite. It was as if the wife was saying to the husband: “You didn’t appreciate me, but someone else did!”
3) Cheating can happen when the wife doesn’t have enough confidence in her husband. When she feels like he might leave her. And then she starts looking for a “rebound option” in advance. In this case her husband may not even think about leaving her, but for some reason she interprets his behavior in this way.
4) Cheating can be a desire to get her partner’s attention. When it seems to the wife that her husband doesn’t care. That he doesn’t love her. Because he spends a lot of time not with her, but, for example, with friends, at work. It’s like she wants to see his reaction – whether he will be upset? Is she even slightly important to him?
5) Infidelity (and here, unfortunately, multiple infidelities) can also be a result of psychological trauma in childhood. When a wife needs to prove something not so much to her husband, but to herself.
6) Unfortunately, treason can also occur when the wife is tired of trying to get her husband to pay attention to her, does not believe that the relationship will improve and simply wants to break it off. And adultery is just an excuse to do so.
Of course, these reasons do not remove the responsibility from the wife who cheated. Because it was always possible to find some other way to solve marital problems.
For example, you could go to a psychologist. But unfortunately, in our country, this method, not very common.
What feelings, except for hurt self-love, may be affected by the husband when his wife is cheating?
Of course, a sense of intimacy and trust. Which, in fact, there may not have been much of anymore, once the cheating has happened.
But some illusion that at home a reliable rear, the husband could still be present. And now it turns out that this is not. That it was as if a loved one could not be trusted. This is perceived as a betrayal.
What can you advise a husband when there was an infidelity of his wife? How to survive this event? What can you do yourself to relieve the pain?
What to do if the wife is cheating, but does not admit it: psychologist’s advice, analysis of causes and actions
My respects, dear men. Marriage has never been an easy thing. And the former romance fades with time, and the harsh life begins. And betrayal can happen to both the husband and the spouse. In the second case, the strong sex wonders what to do if the wife is cheating, but does not admit it, the advice of a psychologist what? The help of a specialist here is necessary. The main thing is that it should be qualitative and prompt. In this material of the blog bursin.ru I give you all the effective recommendations and methods. But first of all, you should be absolutely sure that your spouse is cheating, and not impulses of inadequate jealousy.
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The foundation and prerequisites.
Women are creatures of subtlety and in need of emotion. If they do not find this in marriage, they feel unwanted and forgotten. And often the husband’s fault in this is minimal. His time is consumed by building a career, frequent business trips, socializing with friends, etc.
The wife lives a less fulfilling life and begins to seek emotional attention on the side. And when she finds it, a new turn in her life follows. She gets caught up in it and can’t control what happens next.
And her husband may not notice her scheming for a long time. And he realizes too late. There is an eternal search for guilt, and the marriage falls apart.
A list of symptoms
Husbands need to be as much (as possible) to be attentive to their wives, remember their manner of dress, talk, etc.
If there are suspicions of adultery, there is no total argument and proof here, except for authentic photos, videos of intimacy with another man or a personal view of their connection.
However, there are signs that make you doubt your spouse’s fidelity:
- The emergence of a password or updating an old combination on a gadget or computer.
- Refusal of intimacy under any pretext.
- Ignoring phone calls and texts.
- Abrupt fascination with one’s appearance: going to the gym, wearing new clothes, makeup, hair, etc.
- Frequent use of social networks and dating sites. Hiding correspondence and contacts.
If these signs are observed in full or different combinations, then it is time to closely monitor your wife yourself or hire someone. But it is also a reason to analyze your marriage and relationships in it. But as long as you do not have ironclad evidence, do not take hasty action.
When a wife decides to cheat, she is guided by thoughts of attraction, not affection. And the former prevails over the latter when she becomes infatuated with a new man. It can be acquaintances on social media, romances at work, at the resort, and even casual liaisons.
When she happens to have sex with another partner, there is an attachment to him. The woman experiences the same feelings she once had for her husband. This compensates for her longing for his caresses and tenderness.
At the same time she often feels guilty, but continues to commit adultery. After all, they give her former warmth and pleasure. During intimacy the wife even imagines that it is her husband, not a stranger.
Often, after getting their own, the woman leaves her lover, becomes affectionate to her husband, and their marriage is strengthened. But this is possible if the spouse did not even suspect the relationship on the side and even more so if he has no proof of it.
If he suspects betrayal and does not have 100% confirmation of the conjecture, he will close his eyes to some things or deny the reality.
One way or another he will lose his former confidence, the beginnings of paranoia will form and he will cling to his wife with his suspicions.
If the adulteress has had an affair on the side because of a lack of attention, she will get it in the proceedings. Even if the spouse freaks out, arranges to control the correspondence, e-mail, calls and texts, his actions are perceived by his wife as a manifestation of care. And this means that he needs her, he loves her.
Against the background of worry and phobias of the possible departure of his wife’s husband and begins to change: better dressed, takes care of appearance, gives gifts, arranging romantic evenings, etc.
The wife who cheats on her husband, feels guilty before him, and gradually treats him better: cooks favorite dishes, drinks and shows other cares. In this way she compensates for the psychological damage caused to him by intrigues on the side.
In any case, there are many more factors that bind her to her husband than to her lover. And by cheating on him, paradoxically, she appreciates him better.
Biochemistry and Psychology
If you personally caught your wife cheating, or she herself admitted to this sin, the situation should be carefully analyzed before making decisions.
When reasoning about a woman’s adultery, the physiological factor is also taken into account – what hormones were produced in the processes of betrayal?
Opinions of experts come down to the abrupt production of three chemicals: adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine. Somewhat later, oxytocin, the attachment hormone, is formed. It makes for a stronger and longer union.
A woman faces a difficult dilemma: how to stay between two fires (husband and lover), how and which of these unions to break without harming anyone?
The adulteress realizes that the situation is her own fault and that it is extremely difficult to love two men in sync. She has no one to go to for advice except a marriage counselor.
It is easier only for individuals who intend to end their marital ties with a new romance. They have no remorse. The husband is no longer needed. It’s time to start a new phase of life.
The most dodgy young ladies, unable to resolve the issue themselves, shift the burden to another person with the help of fake situations. This is how they absolve themselves of the responsibility of dissolving the marriage.
For example, the wife leaves open romantic correspondence or curious photos. The husband, seeing this, accuses her of adultery and suggests divorce.
The opposite category of adulteresses have very strong ties with their spouse and do not plan to leave him or her at this point in time. And even a mild affair with a strange man seriously burdens their lives.
Psychologists note the age categories, representatives of which more often decide to cheat. The most common situation is related to the emergence of children, their growth and the emptiness of the house.
Children grow up, leave the parental “nest”, and the couple begins to live separately, each with his own life. Both the wife and husband may have an affair on the side. And later it turns out that they are no longer attached to each other in any way. And they end up getting a divorce.
But there are also reverse situations, without breakups. And in families, adultery becomes commonplace, and here both spouses can cheat. And side affairs usually last 1-2 years. In most situations these are short-term affairs.
Often the wife is pushed into cheating by the lack of sex in the marriage. During the session with the psychologist it becomes clear that this gap is not the cause, but the consequence of the problems. Conversations are also held with the husband, to find out all the difficulties of the marriage. The result is that the couple does not want to divorce, as they have children. And neither of them wanted to start an outside intrigue.
Then, in order to preserve their union, the couple decide to change the format of the relationship to an open one. That is, formally their marriage continues to exist, but everyone is spinning their own affairs.
And often people who do not want to divorce have affairs with married or married citizens. And in this web, everyone tries to preserve their marriage and keep the cheating a secret.
When a wife’s infidelity is 100% confirmed, the most important thing is to contain the negative emotions. The most difficult thing at this point is to resolve the situation peacefully.
Aggression and rudeness with insults convince the cheater of the correctness of her betrayal. And the relationship is destroyed totally.
Recommendations of psychologists here are as follows:
- No scandals, especially in front of strangers, and especially children. This is only a humiliation of women, and a psychological trauma to the younger generation.
- No physical abuse. Hitting, beating and other manifestations of aggression put an end to the relationship and give reason to call the police.
- Do not respond with treason yourself. This will multiply the problem. Don’t rush into decisions.
- No alcohol, especially driving yourself to a strong intoxication. In such a state one loses self-control and control, and commits catastrophic acts, even murder of the adulteress.
- No swift forgiveness. Even if the husband endures the adultery of his wife, there is no need to confess his guilt and immediately forgive the sin. So in the eyes of his wife he will appear as a rag and a weak-willed sack. He will lose all respect for himself. And the cheating will continue.
The main option for the true preservation of the marriage is the absence of adultery. Often they happen after conflicts, cooling of feelings and weakening of mutual understanding. It is better not to prolong the matter and promptly contact a therapist for help.
If his wife’s adultery took place and proved, the proceedings should deal with a highly qualified specialist. He will identify the root of the problem and analyze them. If the spouse will understand the reasons for betrayal and can forgive the adulteress, the family union will begin anew.