Why wives cheat and don’t get divorced
Cheating wives haven’t been news for a long time. Why don’t all women want a divorce?
As a man, I find it hard to explain women’s motives. Especially since they are individual to each of them. But I can guess some reasons for women’s cheating in marriage guided by common sense and based on experience and psychology.
I will immediately exclude value judgments, hanging labels and advice “as it should be. Let each reader exercise his right to choose how to understand and think about this matter. I will simply state the thoughts and facts that indicate that the number of relationships outside of marriage involving women is quite high. And all indications are that there is an increasing trend.
Married women are not only involved in short-term relationships, but also in long-term relationships. However, only some of these relationships lead to the breakup of marriages with their husbands.
This is not a new phenomenon. But it is becoming more pronounced in modern society. And everything that takes place must be given a place and recognized as a fact.
Why do women go “to the side”?
There are several psychological reasons:
– Emotional fatigue in the relationship with her husband – Escape from the solution of difficulties in the relationship – The desire to improve self-esteem through a sense of his demand – Lack of care, attention and moral support in the family – Fear of losing material support – The desire to have a “backup airfield”.
But, one way or another, there are two key factors at the heart of adultery in married women: the infantilism of the wife in building relationships and failure of the husband as a leader in the relationship.
The above-mentioned reasons stem from this.
A wife going “to the side” is a marker of a man’s powerlessness in the face of the commitments he made when he created the family. The loss of control over the situation sooner or later leads such husbands to the title of “cuckold.
After all, tears come where they go bad. So in this case the man will not be able to shrug off the whole burden of responsibility for his wife’s deed. After all, he for his part also contributed to the fact that she began to look around.
In addition, the inability of her husband to recognize the signs of infidelity in his woman is just another confirmation.
And an even worse scenario, which convinces of the merit of “horns”, is a situation in which the husband knows or guesses about his wife’s infidelity, but pretends not to be aware of it.
Having (literally and figuratively) such a husband, it is highly likely that the wife will have an affair on the side.
Of course, not every woman in a similar situation will do that!
Most would rather have a serious conversation and then break off the relationship if it does not bring about change. Those who “use the occasion” are more likely to show their infantilism in the relationship. Not to mention showing catastrophic disrespect for their husband.
Why do wives “walk” but not divorce?
We continue the conversation by avoiding labels and assessments. This means that a person’s immaturity encourages him to look for loopholes, to look for the shortest and “easiest” ways. In doing so, he avoids solving the problem, but instead finds himself a comfort, an outlet.
Immature women use their spouse’s ignorance as their own advantage.
Why get a divorce and endure a lot of discomfort associated with it? Why change anything about yourself and work on yourself in the relationship?
Secondary benefits are cleverly covered by perfectly reasonable arguments:
– We have kids, it’s traumatic for them – My parents won’t survive my divorce – My income isn’t enough to raise the kids myself – I’m a weak woman, and the world is so dangerous…
Indeed, are her feelings for her lover worth the hardships she has to overcome to love him? The answer is obvious: for such a woman, no.
At the same time, having a secret relationship with her lover, she faithfully looks him in the eye and waits for understanding. She convinces of her love and willingness to make sacrifices for the sake of her beloved. But the maximum she is willing to sacrifice are the moments of encounters.
After all, married women, who are extremely dear to their families, very risky, hiding from her husband. In addition, they take time away from their children that they should have devoted to them.
And they show their artistic talent and their spying skills to their husbands.
At home the unfaithful wife plays the role of an exemplary hostess and mother. In the eyes of her parents she is a wonderful wife. In front of her children she tries not to show that she is capable of a double life.
What about men?
Many lovers of married ladies are also married. I know of such relationships that have lasted more than 10 years and are only getting warmer. However, with no plans to create an “honest” union between themselves.
At the same time, male nature is all about dominance and possessiveness. Not every man is willing to forgive his mistress for “domestic sex.”
In such relationships, women are forced to put on the mask of an actress again, and convince their “second master” not only in mental but also in physical fidelity to him.
In some cases, a woman does manage to continue her relationship with her husband without sex. Although – according to “disinterested” women – this is almost impossible.
After all, in a natural situation, a wife cannot regularly deny her legitimate spouse sex without causing questions.
So she has to lie to her lover, too.
And others simply do not deny that they have conjugal sex. Although some participants in “secret relationships” still claim that they manage to rule out intimacy with their husband – due to a loss of attraction to him as a man and out of love for someone else.
– Some allegedly achieve this by openly demonstrating their reluctance to have sex. – Others allow, and sometimes even offer her husband to get a “girlfriend”. – Others act in the most environmentally friendly way: discuss the situation and put relations in a “friendly” for the peace of mind of children.
And still do not go to a divorce.
There is also love at a distance.
It is even easier for a woman in a relationship with a “distant” lover. That is, living in another city or country. Often a woman chooses such a relationship as an option to protect herself from divorce. At the same time to diversify their life with a virtual affair.
This is the case when a woman needs only vivid emotions from a relationship – no more than that.
Maintaining contact through correspondence or video contact, a woman can release a huge amount of sexual energy and receive it in return from her lover. At the same time her desire to feel special, desired, long-awaited is 100% realized. Her self-esteem grows. And this is easily achieved without physical intimacy.
In many cases of long-distance cheating, the lovers met each other only a couple of times. At the same time their Love Story lasted for several months or years. Although most often men are the first to get out of such relationships, because they are permanently set on physical contact.
But life is varied.
In the end, if both men come to terms with and accept a situation essentially orchestrated by a woman, this “love triangle” becomes the most stable figure. Of course, until one of the “tops” gets tired of playing the assigned role in this dubious play.
Women’s infidelity: the causes, methods of detection and psychological advice
Women’s infidelity is unlike men’s. It has its own mechanisms of development, its causes are always strikingly different from those of men. And therefore manifest women’s infidelity will be different. On its features, as well as on how to identify adultery wife or girlfriend, will be discussed in this article.
It is customary that the infidelity of a woman to her chosen one is condemned by society more severely and categorically than adultery of a man, although if you look at the situation from the outside, then representatives of both sexes have equal rights to adultery. Another issue is that men are more affected by adultery. Self-esteem of the strong sex deceived by the beloved woman falls, his ability to work productively and interact with the world around him suffers as well. The consequences of female infidelity can be devastating. Much more serious than the consequences of male adultery.
Women cheat in marriage much less frequently; 75% of cheating men are only 25% of women who have decided to cheat on their husbands or partners.
Many are stopped by the ancient instinct to keep the hearth, many are afraid of the consequences of a “tarnished” reputation. Only in speeches of politicians two genders are equal, in life women are still allowed and allowed by society much less than men.
The psychology of women is such that they always attach great importance to relationships, and relationships on the side will be no exception. An easy one-night flirtation is not about women. If the cheating takes place, the situation is very serious. So cheated spouse, no matter how much it would hurt him, you need to start not with the collection of suitcases and accusatory speech to address unfaithful “traitor”, and to find the causes, including in himself. Only after that will need to answer the question of what to do next.
If a woman cheated, you can believe that she had very good motives for it. A woman appreciates the emotional side of the relationship, without it for the lady the relationship loses all meaning. Therefore, one of the main reasons for women’s infidelity can be considered as the search for emotional contact, understanding, support on the side, if the marriage such concepts do not exist anymore. Tired of the inattention, callousness of her husband, the lack of support and assistance, a woman looking for another man does not sex or orgasm, she needs to talk, cry, feel welcome, loved, beautiful, gentle, such as she had not felt in the family circle.
In doing so, she runs the risk of really getting close and spiritually related to that second man, which may well ruin the marriage, because she does not want to change anything about it. Often at this point, women will either admit infidelity or give up intimacy with their husbands completely. Women usually cannot live with two partners at once, as cheating men often do, with few exceptions.
Women who cheat for a long time usually do it with the same partner, changing them is not in her plans, women usually do not “collect” victories on the love front.
Infidelity “for an occasion” (alcohol, a corporate party, etc.) among the fair sex is very rare. Experts on such spontaneous infidelity are usually men. And also the majority of women are not peculiar to cheating for the sake of satisfying sexual needs, which for some reason are not satisfied in marriage.
Other reasons and motives for female infidelity include infidelity for career motives or financial interest.
It is for such reasons, as well as under the influence of fear of losing their jobs, women cheat with their superiors, superior staff. Rather rarely, but there are married adulteresses who pursued purely mercenary goals – to get money for sex, expensive gifts.
Women are touchy, and men should not forget that. Therefore, among the reasons for adultery not the last place given to treason from a sense of revenge – in response to the earlier adultery spouse, a strong offense, the pain he caused her.
Women can cheat out of boredom. And it’s true. If the family has no room for a drop of romance, and a woman in this case has a lot of free time to analyze and go over the pleasant memories in your memory and heart, then one day there may be a need to feel it again, but already with another man, because this – forever busy and has long cooled down.
The main difference between women’s infidelity and men’s is that it can be prevented. There are such borderline stages of the relationship in which a man can already notice the inner readiness of his life partner to go “left,” and here he can still change the situation, if interested in this and loves his companion.
Women who are independent, earn more than their husbands, occupy a higher position on the career ladder are more inclined to adultery. Adultery is more likely if a woman has a higher level of education than the man, if there is no common interests and hobbies.
How to recognize?
Women are more sensitive to the feelings of others, and therefore any unfaithful girl or married woman is usually carefully hides the fact of adultery, fearing to be misunderstood and condemned by society. On the one hand it is always more difficult to notice a woman’s adultery than a man’s, but on the other hand it is easier because a woman’s behavior changes. The more serious the relationship becomes outside of marriage, the more tangible it becomes in marriage.
Women who have something to hide become more anxious and alert. They no longer drop their cell phone anywhere, hastily close the message window if approached from behind while chatting with someone on the Internet. The phone is locked.
The woman blossoms and changes her appearance. The new hobby forces her to be more attentive to her own appearance – she often goes to the hairdresser, she never leaves home without makeup, she always has well-groomed hands, a lot of new clothes and especially underwear and stockings have appeared.
It is possible, of course, that all these changes are carefully controlled by her, and everything is intended for her husband, and therefore it is foolish to suspect her of adultery only on the grounds that her wife has suddenly become prettier.
With the arrival of a new partner, a woman usually has many new girlfriends with whom “her husband does not know,” and whom she is not going to introduce him. She does not take her husband to parties with them. She often stays overnight at their house. The amount of sex in the marriage decreases significantly, and gradually even this infrequent sex comes to naught – women always have many reasons why they do not need intimacy at the moment (headache, started her period, not over her period, stomach aches, tired, and so on).
As the relationship develops outside of marriage, the woman becomes less tolerant of her husband’s actions and judgments. She begins to be irritated by his touches and jokes, his manner of eating pasta with his hands from the pan in the middle of the night in his underpants, the smell of his cologne. On the other hand, there is a loss of control. If a woman used to call often and wondered where her husband was, when he was coming, now she is completely calm, even if he stays with friends or at work for a long time, does not pester, do not call and do not demand explanations. It would seem to be exactly what her husband wanted recently, but it’s not that simple. Now her silence and aloofness is starting to stress him out.
Is it possible to forgive?
Forgive everything, and women’s treason, too. But the forgiveness will require a man of some determination, courage and maturity, the ability to cope with their injuries and a great desire to keep the family. Not only that, but forgiveness is necessary, whatever the decision is. Even if it’s impossible to keep the family together, it will be better for everyone if the cheater knows that she was forgiven and let go in peace, and the man himself will be much easier and more comfortable to live on and build his life from the position of a man, but carrying the desire for revenge in his soul.
Another question is whether it is worth forgiving. It is up to the man to answer it alone. Without seeking advice from relatives, friends. Only himself, because no one knows so well what this woman and his relationship with her mean to him. Ask this question only makes sense after the first wave of resentment, resentment, perplexity and outrage wane. It will be better if at this time the couple live separately. When you come to the realization that everything has happened, that nothing can change, it is then come the acceptance, and after that and you need to start talking with his wife about what happens next.
The conversation should be calm and constructive, to shout at the woman, insulting her, you can not call her names.
This will not bring relief, and only alienate you from her and her from you. You need to talk respectfully, do not move to the individual, do not accuse and do not reproach. It’s important to listen to her position, to understand why she did what she did, how she sees your future relationship.
If a woman sincerely repents and regrets, promises never to repeat such a thing, if you want to save the family both of them are quite possible to fix the relationship, but it will, of course, take time and mutual effort. It is very important for the man to step over his own pride and understand that the cheating partner has a share of his guilt, and then the couple will only understand what adjustments should be made in the relationship to eliminate further misunderstanding.
It is important for a man to understand that his forgiveness does not bind his wife to anything. She is not obligated to grovel before him, to serve him for the rest of her life just because he has generously forgiven her, the unfaithful one. If forgiveness is voiced, it means that never, under any circumstances, in any quarrel, the man has no right to remind of this incident, to reproach or accuse his wife, to blackmail her with it. For such families, alas, the prognosis is unfavorable.
It may turn out that the woman herself does not want to continue the relationship. This is possible if she really fell in love and does not want to deceive anyone else. In this case there is nothing you can do – by force, as they say, you will not make nice. It is important to preserve your human dignity, not to snap and not blame her, and just discuss the details of the divorce with dignity, or leave them to her.
Families who were able to restore the relationship after a serious test of adultery, not a lot, but they exist. And if the partners do everything right, their relationship can become even better than it was before.
How to prevent infidelity?
This is the question that can rightly be considered the main one. As already mentioned, female infidelity can almost always be prevented, it will all depend on how much a man needs a relationship with this particular representative of the fair sex.
Ideal to begin the relationship with an honest approach – do not try to shower your chosen one with gifts and showering compliments at every step – time will pass, romance will diminish, and then the woman will feel deceived, misled. Be yourself.
It is always important to take interest in how things are going, what’s new with her.
The livelier the husband is interested in the problems, experiences and events of his spouse, the higher the degree of trust between them, the better the relationship. Remember that wives can go only to the one who listens better, understands more, participates more often, advises, helps, but not to the one who knows more poses from the “Kamasutra”.
Respect a woman and her personal space. Trust her. Don’t try to control your wife. Even if you have a lot of work, and you are very busy, find time to just talk to her, be alone with her.
Very tighten the marriage union of common interests and hobbies, joint hobbies and spending time together.
If a man thinks about how to prevent treason, if you already felt the “disturbing” changes in his wife, it is wrong to make a scandal and watch her, limit its movements and freedom of communication, to meet her from work and read her cell phone messages. Much better to take control of themselves, do not insult the man without evidence, and just try to change the relationship by starting to pay more attention to his wife.
If the cheating you fancied, then the woman will be pleasantly surprised by the changes in you, which she has been waiting for so long, and take them with pleasure. If she already has her own, second life, the options may be different. It happens that even at this stage, husbands manage to return loved ones and keep the family.