Cheating in a relationship – telling the essentials

Is it acceptable to cheat in a serious relationship?

Most people say: lasting love relationships are based not only on affection, mutual help and understanding, but also on sincerity, willingness partners to answer for their actions the truth to each other. However, in practice things usually turn out differently. Indeed, sometimes it is easier to lie, to lie, or to keep silent, “smoothing over the edges” than to upset the uncomfortable truth of your loved one.

The topic of cheating in a couple is very complicated and ambiguous. Sometimes it is not easy to refrain from the temptation to distort some facts. But will not such a choice destroy the love union? Let’s try to figure it out.

How is deception born, and to what it may lead?

Usually it all starts with a little compromise with yourself. A little deception appears on the horizon as a defense mechanism and the best alternative to a scandal or relationship clarification. “Well, what could be wrong with embellishing reality a little? Everyone will be happy in the end!” – These are the kinds of thoughts that go through the mind of someone intending to cheat on his or her date. Unfortunately, such judgments lead to a dead end. Frankly speaking, the individual who decides to withhold the truth is driven by fear (that his partner will not understand him; that revealing the truth will disrupt or even destroy love). He is afraid of receiving negative emotions from his loved one in response to the established realities, of rejection on his part. At this point, the adult, established person turns into a frightened little child who fears punishment from strict parents.

In fact, there are only three outcomes to the deception situation:

  • The partner will believe, and the deceiver will lie more and more.
  • The chosen one will suspect that something is wrong, and it will turn into a big scandal.
  • The truth, because of which the deceiver is forced to constantly be in tension, will be revealed, but later.

Even if the deception eventually will not be disclosed, the person lying will feel guilty in front of his girlfriend, who has no idea that she was misled for a long time by a loved one. Plus, he will constantly be afraid of exposure. And the victim of fraud partner can gut feel some kind of trick, which will certainly make him irritable and suspicious. The relationship will suffer in any case. In a couple where there is the presence of lies, tension grows like a “snowball”. First of all sincerity, the most important component of true love, is lost. Following this, trust is lost. The worst feature of lying is precisely that one is tempted to use it in his life, but it is not an adult’s decision, but only an illusion of security.

Is a little lie in love acceptable?

Despite everyone’s disapproval, some psychologists do not deny the usefulness of lying in isolated cases where the self-esteem of the object of love is at stake. Sometimes the truth can hurt the partner or have a negative impact on existing relationships, cause very unpleasant emotions. In such cases, lying is acceptable, but only if it is about something insignificant (for example, a domestic trifle).

Experts emphasize the danger that, over time, even a small lie can grow into a destructive habit. Regular deception undoubtedly spoils relationships and alienates people from each other. After all, the deceiver also hides significant aspects of his true personality (including attitudes, feelings, real thoughts about certain circumstances) that may be important for further interaction. In addition, in most cases, everything hidden, albeit not immediately, is revealed. And in a situation with systematic deceptions, the chances of exposure increase many times over.

A person caught in a little lie, it is better not to resist and honestly confess to everything, explaining the reasons for such behavior. It makes sense to frankly tell your companion, what exactly made him lie or hold back. This will not only put everything in its place, but also to show the deceived partner that the lie arose only on the grounds of fear for the relationship. Of course, you must be prepared for dissatisfaction and talk in high tones. But the elucidation of the true motives is likely to save love.

Controlling emotions: How to react to the truth?

For a person who has learned that he was the victim of cheating in a couple, the information received can be a real shock. But still, it is better to restrain your negative emotions and give yourself time to “cool down” a little (if, of course, there is an interest in preserving the union). You just need to “take a break”, try to rethink the news and answer yourself questions:

  • How can the truth affect the relationship?
  • Will you be able to live with it in the future?
  • Will I be able to come to terms with the fact that my loved one has cheated on me?

Only after analyzing the situation is advisable to enter into a discussion. It is necessary to call the lied to talk frankly, while maintaining self-control. It is necessary to be open for a sincere dialogue and to make a joint decision.

When the illusion falls apart like glass, it always hurts. If it so happens that you were deceived by your lover, then you should definitely think about why he chose such an act. Did you not encourage him to do it yourself (selfish behavior, dislike his interests, etc.)? Be sure to express your emotions to the partner who deceived you, express your attitude towards the situation as a whole. If you don’t do this, the offense for a long time will stick in your heart and forgiveness will be impossible.

Remember that the chosen one was not easy to tell you the truth, especially if he decided to reveal the truth voluntarily, and not because it was accidentally disclosed. It required a certain amount of courage and fearlessness. The deception itself, most likely, and was created in order not to offend you, not to spoil the relationship. Although, of course, circumstances vary.

How to prevent cheating in a relationship?

Ideally, partners from the very beginning of the relationship should strive to maintain a trusting communication, be able to open their hearts to each other and agree to be sincere, even if the reality is quite depressing. At first glance, this idea seems utopian, but an honest life is quite possible if two people are united by true love and mutual respect. There is no need to put the union to the test!

More often than not, people lie to their lovers because they fear a violent, aggressive reaction. Therefore, everyone in the couple should reconsider their behavior in situations that cause rejection. Think back: how exactly do you react when the opinion of a loved one is not the same as yours? If you are very categorical and short-tempered, the partner will be easier to keep silent about the many things that do not coincide in nature with your judgments.

To establish a trusting communication, you can use the following recommendations:

  • Forgive the minor mistakes of the other, be lenient. This is the only way to achieve complete trust and honesty.
  • Give your loved one more personal space. Do not push, try not to limit your life partner too much. Everyone needs time for outings with friends and solitude.
  • Be attentive to your partner’s feelings. Always give an opportunity to speak out, even if the topic is not in your area of interest.

A person who wants to always be honest with his loved one, you need to learn in any ambiguous circumstances to think every step. In making important decisions should think about how would react to a particular choice of the partner, and act in such a way that in the future you could take responsibility for his act with a clear heart.

It should not be forgotten that everyone lives with their own thoughts, which can be fraught with fear and apprehension. In a couple it is important to be able to put your shoulder to your loved one, to understand him or her and accept him or her for who he or she really is. Partners who have a strong bond of trust have no need to deceive each other.

Lying in a relationship: types, causes, how to recognize lies and what to do?

Relationships between a man and a woman are not always smooth. And it’s not just about conflicts and quarrels, for example, at the domestic level. It happens that one partner lies to the other. Cheating – it’s scary, right? Especially in relationships. The psychology of human behavior in them is such that to remove the “rose-colored” glasses is not only difficult but also painful.

What to do in case of detection of cheating on the part of the other half? How to understand that the partner lies? Signs of male and female lies, psychologists’ tips and answers to frequently asked questions on the subject – this and much more can be found in the publication.

Male and female lies: is there a difference?

Yes. Men are different from women. Women are different from men. The difference between the sexes is enormous, it’s no secret to anyone. And the differences may have to do with the “manner of presentation” of the lie.

The following are the main differences between men’s lies and women’s lies, given as illustrative examples.

Men’s lies and the reasons for men’s lies

First, let’s deal with what motivates men to lie. Here are a few reasons:

  • Lack of courage . If a man lacks courage, he will almost certainly lie to a woman about something, such as not being able to do something;
  • A desire to charm or impress. Often used when exaggerating something (big paycheck, accomplishments);
  • the desire to gain an advantage . The benefit can be expressed in the fact that the fact of lying and the act of lying itself will be aimed at getting something (intimacy, massage, delicious dinner, and more);
  • The desire to protect . As a method of protection, lying in a relationship is used by very few men. Often lying in this context is caused by an unceremonious violation of a man’s personal boundaries by a woman;
  • a lie to save the day . It is, for example, about a serious mistake that a man does not want to admit or disclose in order to save the relationship with the woman, to keep her trust.

The list is incomplete. There are so many reasons and motives for lying that it would take too long to talk about them. It should be understood that they are not always unambiguous. Lack of courage, for example, as a reason does not always lead to lying about appearance. A man who is not bold can lie about any subject, touching anything. Think of the list provided as just a source of information, not a guide to start hanging labels.

Men often lie. But not as often…as women. These are dry statistics, but we’ll talk about women’s lies later. Please don’t think that we are biased against one sex or the other. We respect both the fair sex and the stronger sex equally. And we encourage you to do the same!

To understand the essence of the male lie, let’s present 5 examples. Let’s relate each example to the reasons given earlier. Here they are:

  1. Lack of courage. Example: “I would do anything for you right now, but I can’t today because my head hurts.” What if your head doesn’t hurt? It’s simple. Here courage should be seen as, the ability to tell the truth. There seems to be an objective reason for everything.
  2. Charm. Example: “I get so much money that I can take you to the sea twice a year.” In fact, it may be quite different.
  3. Benefit. Example: “Honey, you look amazing, you don’t have to bother with makeup.” The benefit here could be to get somewhere. Someplace the two of you might be late if you keep getting your makeup on.
  4. Defense. Example: “I need to spend more time at work.” Here the lie can be the very fact of working. Think about it, could it be that the man just needs more free time? If so, then he is lying.
  5. Salvation. A bad example is hiding the fact of adultery: “I have nothing to do with it. An example really bad, because in this case the lie, if any, is tied exclusively to concealing the fact of a bad deed.

Women’s lies and their reasons

Women lie more often. This is a statistic based on numerous studies and the practice of psychologists. Here are common reasons for women’s lies in relationships:

  • Trying to overcome life’s problems . It’s a kind of self-inflicted. By using lies, a woman may be hiding something that is greatly troubling her;
  • Lack of love . If a partner demonstrates little affection toward a woman, she may begin to use different tools of lying to attract him;
  • Trying to expose someone . This is an exclusively feminine and even quite skillful way of lying. An example will be shown next;
  • Trying to justify a spouse . This is a contradictory mechanism of lying, when a woman lies to both her man and herself in order to at least somehow restore his status in her eyes after a mistake he made;
  • Self-assertion, improvement of self-esteem. Some women resort to deception when they want to elevate themselves in the eyes of their partner.

The list, as in the case of the male lies, is not complete. Situations are different, so motives and reasons just can’t be pieced together and present some 100% correct classification.

Here are 5 examples of women’s lies with a link to the reasons presented earlier:

  1. Problem solving by self-infusion and indoctrinating the partner into thinking that there are no problems. Example: “Honey, remember when my salary was cut? Everything is back on track, the boss has reconsidered the decision.” In this case, the pay cut was still a pay cut. Lying – an attempt to restore his status in the eyes of the man and in their own.
  2. Lack of attention. Example: “Honey, I feel really bad today, please come early.” Here it can be an operation of the state in order to attract the attention of the partner.
  3. Disclosure. Example: “You know, people I know say you don’t get 100,000, but 80.” By combining such a phrase with the methods and tools of manipulation, a woman can try to bring a man out in the open and get an admission that his salary is much lower.
  4. Justification. Example: “You were drunk, I get it.” Even if the man wasn’t drunk but made a mistake, this way of lying to him and to himself is a means of self-indulgence, as in the first case.
  5. Self-assertion. Example: “I have so many suitors that I don’t even know how to fight them off.” This is a direct hint to the man that a real goddess is near him. Even if she is not a goddess. Even if there are no suitors.

Remember: lying can be both good and bad. Don’t look at it one-sidedly from one perspective. Sometimes deceitfulness is more good than evil. Approach the assessment of the acts and facts of lying your partner objectively. Communicate, try to compromise, strive by all means to mutual understanding. Then there is no place for lies in your relationship.

Signs of cheating in a relationship

How to understand that a partner is hiding something? Signs may not always be obvious. It is most often about the practice of changing habits of behavior and not only. The real truth can be hidden so competently that it will not be enough just to observe a partner hiding something. However, there are some obvious and non-obvious signals that tell you that your partner is not telling you something.

Here are 9 behavioral markers that suggest that a partner is hiding something:

  1. Unexpected surprises . Did your partner decide to give all of his free time to you out of the blue? Did he bring a gift with him? Is this not something he normally does? Think about it, he probably wants to make amends for something. You don’t know what for? He almost certainly knows. If your relationship has long and far beyond the stage where there is room only for romance and passion, then unexpected surprises are almost certainly a signal that your partner is not honest enough with you. But not always: please don’t confuse a man’s sincere impulses to make you feel good with acts of disguise in the form of overly suspicious gestures.
  2. Unusual excitement, anger, or indifference . Observe how your communication is shaping up. If your partner is worried about something, shows acts of anger or indifference, even though it wasn’t like that before, that’s bad. This means that there is a possibility that his attention is absorbed by something else. Always the formerly calm, nervous partner is a sign that there is something more important to him or her or something unpleasant. Try to discuss the problem and find out what is causing the deviation in behavior from normal.
  3. A sudden change in image or style . A girl begins to put on makeup for work and buy nice “work” clothes, even though she didn’t do that before? Does the man perfume and shine his shoes before business meetings, choosing only clean and ironed shirts, even though he used to be almost a slovenly man? In both cases, you may begin to suspect that your partner is trying to hide something.
  4. A drastic change in self-care habits . This is pretty much the same as the previous point. When slovenly people suddenly start to become those still clean and well-groomed in every sense, then you can start to be suspicious.
  5. Secrecy . A man and woman in a relationship must trust each other. Without this, a normal union as such is not possible. If a partner suddenly become secretive, while previously he was very open in every situation, it means that he is trying to hold back about something. Perhaps he is afraid to blab.
  6. The refusal to plan for the future. Do you and your significant other regularly discuss the future? This is a good thing. It is bad when your partner stops doing it with you. If he (she) does not support appropriate conversations, tends to avoid them or even jokes, just to stop the conversation, then something is wrong.
  7. Change in Sexual Behavior . We are talking about behavior in bed. Psychologists note that women who, for one reason or another, lie to their partners, are characterized by an increase in libido. The consequence – an increased frequency of sexual intercourse, an increase in the level of desire to “frolic” with a partner. There is also a point of view, according to which this “craving” for something that is almost boring for women is a way to cloud the mind of the partner. This is a way of showing that everything is supposedly okay. It’s different with men. When they start hiding something, their attraction to a woman decreases. The reason is preoccupation with something other than bed.
  8. New Hobbies . Hobbies that suddenly appear can be a signal of cheating. Your partner, being an avid smoker, started going to the pool or gym in the evenings? He decided to radically change the way of life, but you do not want to attract to this? You yourself understand everything. There may not even be a gym. However, the deception with a high probability exists.
  9. Anger or jealousy beyond measure . Resentment, anger, accusations based on jealousy, if this was not previously observed, can be a sign that things are bad. Some psychologists have expressed the opinion that the attempt to sharply and without reason accuse the partner of cheating is a signal that the person himself has already allowed the cheating or is planning it. This is a kind of defense mechanism by which a person gives himself away.

The signs are many. As with the causes, which is understandable, it is not necessary to talk about all of them. We cited the most common ones based on people’s behavioral patterns, because anyone can skillfully keep silent, but only a professional liar can behave as if everything is fine.

If you are faced with a lie from your partner, if it has brought deep disappointment or caused severe pain, please seek professional help. It will also be useful if there are misunderstandings in the relationship with your partner: try to go together to a psychologist. He will help you deal with problematic moments.

What should you do if there is cheating in your relationship?

Next we will present tips from psychologists, with the help of which you can figure out how to be with cheating in a relationship. There will be two groups of advice: one is devoted to how to get rid of lying, the second to how to solve the problem that provokes lying, if it has been found out.

Here’s how you can get rid of lying:

  • Be open with each other. If the partner is a secretive person himself, show him by example that life in itself is not what the relationship is about;
  • Try to look for the reasons in the first place. This is important, because blind bickering and mutual rebukes are not always a good thing. Acts of lying may be due to objective reasons. It may be that the partner just does not want to burden you with their problems. It may also be that it is easier for him to get over something negative, just keeping silence. Just get a response from him, ask for honesty;
  • Communicate . The habit of communicating often and a lot, on and off, is something that will almost certainly lead you and your partner to discuss everything. There will be no room for deception in such a relationship. If there is, believe me, it will quickly reveal itself;
  • Don’t look for deception in everything. Excessive suspicion of your partner, oddly enough, can cause him or her to use lies.

To solve the problem provoking the lie, if it involves you, involve your partner. Explain that his involvement is important. Tell him that it will help get rid of the lie and any need for it. If your partner has problems, it’s the same: Help him, become not just your other half, but also a friend, a support.

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