Broke up with a married man how to survive – we deal thoroughly

How to break up with a married man: tips from a psychologist

Article on how to break up with a married man. How to tune in to the breakup, what are the prerequisites for separation, how to develop a plan and much more. Advice from a psychologist.

Every woman is worthy of love. But sometimes fate sends someone who is unlikely to help make your dreams come true. How to properly break up with a lover, what to do at first to forget the lover, gives advice from a psychologist on personal relationships.

Problematic

In a long relationship between a woman and a man burdened with a family, a woman begins to have a lot of destructive thoughts in her head. The woman constantly asks herself:

“If he says he loves me, why doesn’t he leave the family?”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Why is he cheating on me?”

This provokes an internal struggle. At the initial stage, the woman realizes that the lover is cheating not only on her, but also on his family. She realizes that most likely he will never leave his legitimate spouse.

Then, when she becomes unbearable from understanding the situation, it is time for internal contradictions and struggle with her tormenting thoughts. The woman begins to look for excuses for the man’s actions, or evidence that it is a real serious relationship, and not a banal affair.

This problem can only be solved in a positive way. In fact, it is difficult to do, because a woman in such a relationship is in a constant state of stress. On the one hand there is a beloved person, and on the other hand she is constantly thinking about how she can get out of this relationship, how she can break up with her lover.

If there are feelings and not just material or career interest, it is much harder to do this. This is due to the fact that after the breakup there will be a pull to the person and it is necessary to hide her desires, even from herself.

Why it is worth breaking up

It would seem that if there are two people who love each other, why break up? If love itself is a cause for joy, is it worth considering how to break up with a married man you love?

Agree, a mistress is not a beloved woman with a stamp in her passport. She as a friend, you can tell about family problems, to complain about how a man is not valued in the family. In this case, and she felt sorry for, and intimacy will not deny. But in fact, in a conscious, mature age alone, love and romance is not enough to turn upside down a settled way of life.

Other people’s spouses are burdened not only the family. They have an established circle of friends, relatives and their own environment. They have responsibilities, well, and reputation in the end. It is very difficult to dare to change all this because of the romance on the side. Therefore, a married man is much easier and more painless to part with his mistress.

So what to do if dating a man you suddenly found out that he has a secret from you? Even if you initially knew that you were not the only woman in his life, the situation is delicate and probably traumatic. In fact, this is a reason to think about how to arrange the separation from another man’s spouse. A married lover is probably comfortable in a situation where he is dating and having a nice time, but bears neither moral nor material responsibility.

How to set yourself up for a breakup?

Among the many reasons for breaking up with a lover, you can identify the main prerequisites for how to break up a relationship with a married man:

  1. The pointlessness of making plans for a future together. Mistresses are mostly a means to realize their polygamous nature, a sexual adventure.
  2. Lack of attention from the lover. A man will not be able to spend weekends, holidays with you and joint trips likely too not worth the count
  3. The breakup with a married lover on his initiative may occur for you completely unexpectedly, as he is not worth anything at any time to stop the relationship.
  4. It is not uncommon for other people’s spouses to have multiple relationships out of wedlock, which also reduces the chance for a serious continuation of your affair.
  5. We are all women, each of us can find ourselves in the same situation, but in a different role. So do not forget about such a concept as female solidarity and show respect for the woman who constantly tolerates cheating husband.
  6. Often, removing the emotional stress outside the home, the husband becomes exemplary and surprisingly calm, all satisfied in the presence of the legitimate second half. The constant sense of guilt before his spouse does not allow him to nag on the little things, to arrange quarrels. Thus the mistress is a free psychologist for men.
  7. Spending time on a lover who is married, a woman deprives herself of the opportunity to create a relationship with the purpose of creating a family.
  8. Self-deception and feeling lonely on holidays and weekends, the need to hide the lover from her family and loved ones.
  9. Practically zero possibility of creating a serious relationship, because if once he had a relationship on the side, nothing prevents him from repeating this experience in the future, even if there is a new official marriage.

Prerequisites to say goodbye: options

Hiding the relationship indefinitely is impossible. Sooner or later you will feel that you are not living your life, and yours is passing by, and loneliness and hopelessness will become your constant companions. So maybe you should not waste your life on this and think about how you can quickly break up and no longer meet a married lover. Do this so that the situation does not escalate into negativity, mutual accusations, or worries that can stretch on for years.

It is necessary to think everything through well and understand how your breakup with your lover will go. Married men are unlikely to agree to such a step immediately, even if there will be many arguments. Act in such a situation to act decisively and quickly. The main thing is not to doubt that thanks to this the future will be much better.

What’s the best way to leave: quickly or slowly.

Only you will be able to decide the best way out of this situation:

  1. The quick way is extremely radical and passes painfully for the parties of the relationship, but allows you to resolve the situation without additional loss of time. As an option, you should turn off the phone, block the man’s number, move to another area or stay with relatives in a nearby city, go to a permanent place of residence abroad, if possible. Remoteness by distance creates a serious obstacle to the continuation of the relationship and will open the possibility of searching for a potential spouse. At one point, all ties that have been between people are severed, without explanation or meeting.
  2. Some women cannot cope with their feelings and emotions. They break down under the weight of their experiences and meet their ex-partner again. For such women, the slow method is preferable, in which there is no radical breakup. Since the distance from the object of love occurs gradually step by step.

Plan for the breakup.

Whichever way you do not choose for further action you will need a plan for the breakup:

  1. Take a sober look at the situation . Think about why you decided to end your relationship with your married lover. If you are not sure that the decision to stay with another man’s spouse is the right one, a list of reasons will help sort out the circumstances. In making it will come an understanding of why a breakup is necessary and that the relationship has no prospects for the future. By reminding yourself of the reasons for the breakup, you will realize that it is time to end the affair and tell your lover that we are breaking up for good.
  2. Change your behavior . Remember that you are not in love with the real man. You completely changed your attitude toward him after you made the decision to break up. Remember that when you date someone’s spouse, you paint an image of the perfect and perfect guy. You don’t see him as he really is. Be self-sufficient – tell the breakup first.

How to get over the breakup of a relationship

To make it easier to make a final decision about the breakup, use the well-known technique that has long been a classic: counting the pros and cons of the relationship. Try to find as many positive aspects of the impending separation. Think about them, how enticing your state of inner freedom will be, how many new opportunities will appear.

This will serve as a good motivation for a difficult decision and help maintain a woman’s status as single, after she has broken up and is not dating a married man. Use this time to your best advantage, take care of yourself and your business to get out of the difficult emotional state of a breakup quickly.

Avoid meetings and conversations.

If you’ve found a way to break up with a long married man, fast or slow, it’s time to start taking practical steps. It is better to do everything possible to prevent the man from finding you. Change your place of residence, turn off the Internet and block the phone. At all attempts to “figure out the relationship”, you must resolutely answer with a rejection and ignore the demands.

Terminating the relationship you need to cut off all opportunities for contact with a former lover, avoid meetings and conversations. If you colleagues or neighbors do not stay alone with him. Try to completely cut the former lover out of your life.

Discuss the problem with a loved one

If you have a relative or friend you can confide in, discuss the problem with a loved one, talk to him about your decision to put an end to the affair. Come up with a plan together, how to beautifully part with a man, a lover need to explain as clearly as possible, that such an attitude is unacceptable and there is no desire to continue the relationship.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Try not to be without support at this time. It is not unreasonable to discuss the problem with a loved one. Invite a friend you trust, talk it out. This will help you look at the situation from the outside. Try watching a comedy or your favorite cartoons, order or cook a new dish. The main thing is to try to do without alcohol: this can cause a rush of memories that can make it hurt more.

Change of scenery

You will also need a change of scenery. Get your mind off things. There are many ways: playing sports or doing a quest with friends, driving courses or make-up art – it’s up to you to choose. The main thing is more new positive emotions and thrills, this will help you get over the parting easier and faster to forget about how to leave the married, especially if the decision has already been made.

Find a thing that you love

There is no need in this period to re-read literature, blogs, websites with articles on how to painfully and quickly break up with your lover. If this has already happened, you should completely distance yourself from the problem and start making plans for a new life alone. Perhaps, direct your attention to the advances of other representatives of the stronger half.

The best way will be to find a favorite activity and take up a hobby. Any occupation can become an outlet: needlework, soap making. They will fill all your free time. Finding a hobby is for you to distract from sad thoughts and enjoy life again, forgetting the past. Even if you love, but decided to break up with a married lover, you can not give yourself indulgences, to correspond with him, to send reports on the day, letters about how hard it is without him. This can lead to a renewed, and eventually prolonged relationship.

Get busy with your appearance.

If during the dates with the lover, the woman looked “100 percent”, now is the time to change her behavior. Become less gentle and caring, you can just “turn on the bitch” and start demanding something from your lover that is impossible. There is no need to pick out your best clothes and do your hair in anticipation of a date with him.

Photo by Tamara Bellis on Unsplash

In your lover’s absence, you can visit a salon, go to a spa, take advantage of the time to enjoy yourself, and take care of yourself. It is recommended to sign up for yoga or to the gym, for dancing. This will not only restore your emotional state and physical health, but will also open up new opportunities and increase your self-esteem.

After deciding to leave the man you love and who is married, change your image. Change your hair style or hair color, visit a stylist or update your closet. Treat yourself to new shoes and a sweater, and maybe a new perfume? Shopping always helps you deal with a bad mood.

Control your thoughts

Most importantly, if you have made a decision and finally decided how to break up a relationship with a longtime lover – go all the way, do not swerve. Control your thoughts and don’t allow yourself to think about even a hint of the possibility of restoring the completed relationship. You have a difficult and possibly very long period after the breakup. If the relationship has lasted for a long time, to end it is not much harder and not easier. It all depends on the mood of the mistress and her determination to change herself and her life, to start living a new life.

Do not start a new relationship.

And one more piece of advice: take your time. After you have told about the breakup, and telling your lover about the breakup is not as easy as getting over it, it is better to take a pause and not start a new relationship should be at least the first couple of months. Before you start dating a new man, calm down and try to sort yourself out.

Useful tips from psychologists

When you break up, you should listen to the recommendations. Psychologist tips on how to break up a relationship with a married man you love:

  1. Understand, you are not the first to ask this question. Try to learn from the experiences of other women, how they broke off the relationship and quickly moved on to another level of life and perhaps legitimized a relationship with another man.
  2. It is necessary to break up decisively. Think about how to tell your lover that we are breaking up as openly and sincerely as possible. Prepare a short and concise speech, in which you clearly describe the problems and experiences that you are experiencing while in this relationship. He needs to understand that you are suffering from the toxicity of your relationship. Understand that you don’t have to put up with a man treating you this way, sacrificing yourself and your interests, spending a life of expectations.
  3. Throw away the gifts. So that you don’t cry every time you remember him, when your eyes stumble upon his gift of a photo frame or souvenir, just get rid of it once and for all.
  4. Accept Yourself. As a rule, women who agree to the role of mistress, have low self-esteem. They are not confident in themselves. An insecure woman, if she doesn’t love herself, will continue to attract partners who feel and use her vulnerability. Men, like predators, instinctively sense weaknesses and behave accordingly as she treats herself. This applies to women who are free of formal relationships as well as those who are married. If you can’t break up with your lover, then he will use the relationship further. So sort yourself out, agree with yourself about everything that causes internal contradictions. Accept yourself for who you are. Self-sufficiency, love and respect for yourself – this is what you need to put any woman in the first place. Remember that you are on your own.
  5. Everyone makes mistakes, the past can’t be changed. Leave this relationship in your memory. Breaking up a relationship with your loved one is always painful and difficult. But still, there’s no point in hanging on to someone who doesn’t belong either morally, physically or legally. Time will pass, not as much as it may seem, and the pain will begin to recede. It will get easier. You will feel the way you feel after a prolonged illness – easy and free.

If the decision, how to painlessly part with her lover, and not taken or the woman can not dare to take such a step, it is important to remember that life goes on and meet a decent man in front. In your life there will certainly be new suitors. Let some of them into your life.

Don’t be afraid of a new romance, but most importantly, it should be a relationship story with a new man. With a new, free man and joint plans for the future.

How to survive a breakup with a married man: time-tested tips

Many couples over time face routine and monotony in the relationship. Passion fades, and the time comes when you wonder how to survive the parting with a lover. It is often painful and distressing, especially if the man is married and wants to stay with his family. A woman in love with him, it is hard for her to let him go. There are ways by which the breakup will go easier.

Reasons for breaking up the relationship

For a married man, the connection with his mistress is an adventure, entertainment. With such a man there is no point in making plans for the future, because, most likely, he will stay with his family. All holidays he will spend with his wife and children, weekends too. He will give little time to his mistress. He may not even have her alone, so there is little chance that the man will choose her and build a serious relationship. When a mistress waits for him to leave his wife for her, she is losing time and the opportunity to build a strong and sincere relationship with another man.

What’s the right way to proceed

To begin to act, you need to muster the willpower and determination. It is not necessary to doubt and scroll through the events that took place in the relationship. It is necessary to refuse to clarify the relationship, to call, to look at photos and page in a social network. For a conversation with a lover you need to prepare carefully, choose the place, time and appropriate words.

Awareness and acceptance of the futility of the relationship

To begin with, you need to understand that such a relationship will not last forever. Parting sooner or later will happen. You need to be able to respect yourself, to understand that you deserve a better attitude. To decide to break up, you can use the method of correlation of the pluses and minuses of the situation. To do this, the negative sides of the breakup and the positive sides are written on a sheet of paper. The pluses should be found more so that they motivate to break up and start a new life.

Choosing the place and time for a dialogue with your lover

The place to talk to your lover is chosen carefully. It must be safe if the partner is capable of aggression. At home, he may hit in a fit of rage, yell or will persuade to continue to meet, put in bed, and then it will start all over again. It is better to choose a place where there are a lot of people. This will not allow the lover to show aggression and pressure. The time should be chosen at your discretion. At lunchtime there will be a chance to quickly lay it all out and leave, leaving him no attempt to persuade him to stay. But it is better to meet in the evening to discuss the breakup qualitatively and lucidly.

How to look

The partner is not always ready to let the mistress go. He will start to persuade him to keep seeing her. To make it easier for him to let the woman go, she should come to the meeting in a more modest appearance. If usually the mistress looked adorable, well-groomed, now you should show up in front of him without makeup, with a simple styling, in a simple dress or pants. Perhaps the man will be easier to let her go. If this does not help, you need to change your behavior, become cranky, nasty, rude.

Where to start a dialogue

The dialogue should begin with a message of wanting to talk. Let a few days pass after the phone call, so that the partner understands that the conversation will be serious. During this time, he will prepare himself. When you meet him, you should avoid insults and humiliation, calmly and consistently tell him that there have been changes, the time of romance and tenderness has passed, there is no point in continuing the relationship.

How to talk about your decision

In the continuation of the conversation, the lover is informed that the woman has analyzed their relationship, she is tired of being in the background, she wants sincere love, to become the only one. She has no strength left to tolerate his return to the family and remain alone in a cold bed. If by this time another man has already appeared, then it is not necessary to inform the lover about it.

Options for behavior depending on the man’s reaction

A man’s reaction to his mistress’s statement about the breakup can be anything. What he can do:

  • persuade to stay;
  • to threaten;
  • Promise to marry;
  • to press for pity.

You have to be ready for anything when you are going to talk to your lover about breaking up.

If he persuades or begs

It’s not as hard to tell your lover about the breakup as it is to resist his entreaties to stay. Even if he initially agreed to the breakup decision, then he will start looking for an opportunity to see you again. This is fraught with the risk of both of them holding on for a while and pretending it’s over.

Afterwards, both of them will not endure and will find themselves in each other’s arms again. Romance will not last long, everything will happen again. The problem of loneliness and a cold bed will return, and he will go to his family. Having decided to break up, you don’t need to give in to your partner’s entreaties. It is better to blacklist him in social networks, block his number, leave town for a while, if possible.

In the case of threats.

A married woman will have to listen to threats when breaking up with her lover. Not wanting to let the lady go, the man is capable of blackmailing her that he will tell her husband about their relationship if she leaves him. And a married lover can threaten to bill the girl for everything he has invested in her: expensive gifts, an apartment, a car. There is only one way out – to pretend to be a frigid woman who will no longer satisfy him in bed.

Another promise to legitimize the relationship.

Often there is a situation in love melodramas: a man persuades his mistress not to leave him, swears to tell his wife everything, to leave her and marry his new beloved. In life too there are such cases. The mistress melts down, agrees to wait, and then it’s all over again. He goes off to his wife every night, leaving the other lady alone. She runs out of patience again, she declares a breakup, and he declares again that he will divorce his wife and marry her. If this continues, the man will not divorce again. The separation should be final and irrevocable.

You should turn on ignore, find something to do to help distract yourself and start a new relationship, but with a free man.

Presses on the pity and threatens suicide.

There are some individuals who threaten suicide if the mistress leaves. Conversations are useless, the man does not go to a psychologist. The lady needs to keep her composure. Here, too, the method described above will come in handy – to become frigid, so that your lover does not want you anymore.

If this option does not suit you, try to arrange a scandal as often as possible. Men can not stand shouting, reproaching, picking on little things. Jealousy of everything alive and unliving can also affect and infuriate him.

Stages a girl goes through after a breakup

Breakup is a kind of loss. It is always experienced hard, especially if people have spent a long time together, got to know each other well. But the man stays with his wife, the mistress is tired of being in the background, she breaks off the relationship, experiencing pain. It is difficult to get into a calm routine of life, you have to get used to the new circumstances. During this period, the mistress goes through several stages:

  • rejection of the situation;
  • rage;
  • bargaining;
  • depression;
  • new life.

Each stage has its own distinctive characteristics. Going through them is difficult, but inevitable. You need to get a grip, even if it seems impossible.

Not accepting the situation

In the first stage there is a contradiction – the girl does not believe that she has broken up with a man. She keeps thinking that this is a dream, not true, not happening to her. She believes that a day, a week or a month will pass and they will be together again. He will return, or she will bring him back. Everything will happen again: meeting, hugs, kisses, sex, dates, evenings together. It seems as if it is only a quarrel, soon they will make up. She is already ready to share him with her wife, just to have him around.

There is a withdrawal, a desire to see him again, to possess him again. If there is a feeling that all is useless, you should make an appointment for a consultation and hear the advice of a psychologist.

Rage

He does not appear, you do not see him, you do not hear him, you do not feel him anymore. There comes a period of anger and rage, when you realize that there is no love and there will never be. There is anger toward everyone around you, as if it is their fault that you left him. Or he left you. Then there is a period of shifting the blame onto yourself for leaving the man you love, even if he was married.

The rage subsides, the mind clears up, and a conversation with yourself begins. It deals with options for how things will unfold, determining the time it takes to resume the relationship. This allows the psyche to come to terms with the negative emotions, the idea that a breakup has occurred. In the process of reflection, the girl tries to understand her mistakes, to imagine what it would be like to turn back the clock. The partner already seems perfect, and the guilt at this stage is completely shifted to the mistress.

Depression

An understanding comes that it makes no sense to deny what happened. The girl becomes indifferent, she is sad, she falls into depression. The woman begins to miss the past, the moments she experienced in the relationship with her lover. It seems to her that life is over, she just exists on automatic. The pleasure of life is absent.

She feels like she is a log carried by the current. She feels nothing, her soul is tired of fighting and worrying. Finally, the lady realizes that the past is not coming back, and life goes on. Some who lie all day and stare at the ceiling may need the help of a psychologist. At this stage, you need to cry in order to easily move on to the next stage.

Life with a clean slate

Gradually, the girl comes to understand that she needs to take control of herself. She is ready to make new plans, to achieve new goals. She feels a burst of energy, a desire to carry out what she has planned. The woman emerges from depression, she is humbled. She sums up the results of her past life, finishes the things she started and starts new ideas. The sense of loss no longer bothers her, she seeks to change her life for the better. The wrongs are forgotten, new acquaintances and relationships are made.

Ways to help you through a difficult period

There are many ways to quickly recover from a breakup with a married partner. They will ease the breakup and the stages of experiencing the breakup. You can change the appearance, the place of residence, go on a trip, take up a new hobby, meet more with friends or direct all efforts to build a career.

Appearance changes

You can start with a change of appearance. To do this, you should invite your girlfriends to go shopping and buy new things. Then go to a beauty salon, get a haircut, repaint your hair color, cut bangs if you’ve never done this before, or get perms. You should also refresh your manicure, try a color that you haven’t painted your nails. These procedures will distract from your worries and help you cope with sadness.

A change of residence or a trip

When the ghosts of the past haunt you after the parting with your lover, there are frequent meetings with him, it begins to excite feelings. If there is an opportunity, then you can move to live in a different area or even the city that familiar places do not remind you of your former lover.

If the idea of moving is out of the question, a change of scenery and a trip is enough. It will allow you to distract from memories, experience new emotions, and get rid of sadness. New experiences will help you get over the parting more quickly. While traveling, you will meet people who will tell you many interesting things. Excursions to famous places will fill the mind with new facts and useful information, so there will be no time to experience the experience of separation. And the time will be a pity to waste.

If a change of residence or travel is not possible, it is enough at least to clean the apartment. Physical labor is an excellent way to combat sadness. Reshuffling the apartment is also not such an impossible idea. A new interior will refresh your thoughts, and restore your mental balance. A change of wallpaper or curtains would also do. Also getting rid of old junk would help.

Interesting hobby

A new hobby can reset the brain and distract from suffering. There are many ideas: learn to knit, sew, embroider, play the guitar, dance, enroll in yoga, master the twine. Book lovers should start collecting a library, arrange books by genre, writer, and cover color. After this process, you can sit in a chair with a cup of tea or coffee, take the book in hand and go on a literary binge. Let the book be about love, suffering, in which you can see the ways in which the characters of the book pages experience grief. After reading some works your own story will seem ridiculous and ridiculous.

Those who do not like books, the direct route to the gym or skating rink. In the gym physical activity will help distract from the worries, and the rink will be able to learn to skate, if anyone does not know how. In winter, you can go on a ski trip.

Interact with friends or family

Depression is a dangerous thing. It is better not to stay alone, and invite guests: girlfriends, parents, friends. You can go to them yourself. Communication with close people will allow you to speak out all the pain, to hear and feel the support of relatives and friends. They will tell other stories from their lives, hearing which makes you realize that you are not the only one with whom this happened.

Focusing on your career

Being immersed in work headfirst really helps many because there’s no time left to think about personal problems. And in the evening, when you get home, you don’t have the energy to think about them. Some people even take work home, just to immerse themselves in it and not let bad thoughts go to their heads. Just a career, just a job.

Classic mistakes that are important to avoid

Sometimes women make breakup mistakes: storing their lover’s things, abusing alcohol or food. It is strange that a girl broke up with a man who preferred his wife, and she herself keeps his toothbrush or shirts in her home. Immediately get rid of them, so they do not torment the memories when they come into sight.

Definitely can not drink or eat sorrow buns. There are many other ways to distract yourself from the problem. Alcohol and baked goods, on the contrary, will add more problems in the form of headaches, hangovers, binge drinking, and overweight. And if you have a craving for sweets, then you will have more problems with your teeth. The parting with your lover is a good reason to take care of yourself, to eat right and to do things that you haven’t had time for for a long time.

It is also a mistake to think that life is over. It goes on and you need to fill it with new emotions, experiences, goals, and accomplishments. There is plenty of time to learn how to live without an ex-lover and enjoy other processes.

Thus, to break up with a lover, you need to carefully prepare for a conversation with him, to choose words, to tune in to possible resistance on his part. It is necessary to decide for yourself right away that resuming the relationship is impossible. It will be difficult to go through stages of loss, but there are many ways to help ease the experience.

Specialist in personal development and family relationships, practicing psychologist. Work experience of more than 15 years.

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