Tyrant husband: tame or leave?
During the first dates, you may like his care, thriftiness and determination. Behind him, as a stone wall, you decide and after a short deliberation get married. And suddenly, after a while, your fairy tale turns into a nightmare: the attention turns into total control and pathological jealousy, and you yourself become an object of constant criticism.
Tyrant husband – a hard ordeal for women. The meaning of his existence – the moral and physical humiliation of his wife, and he is great at it, in this case he is a master. The trouble is that many women for one reason or another have been living with such despots, not able to make a decision and divorce. We will tell you how to put an end to this relationship.
Psychology of the tyrant
It may seem that the soul of the tyrant is akin to the raging elements. But in fact, it is more like a swamp, which in order to exist needs to draw into itself all living things. The despot tries to create all the conditions to turn the woman into a victim, accustoming her to the feeling of her own guilt. It seems to her that she is in debt to her tyrant husband, her life consists of fear, dependence, obedience. From such a man comes uncontrollable aggression, as soon as he thinks about the possibility of disobedience elected. And the more diligent spouse pleases him in the hope to achieve his favor, the more trouble he creates.
Psychologists say that the desire to gain power at any cost is an expression of neurosis. Usually it’s all the fault of personal complexes and obsessive desire to see absolute obedience of others. The tyrant does not have enough power to control strong people, and the progressive neurosis forces him to choose the victim among the weaker individuals. A wife, children, parents, or pets would be suitable for this role. At the heart of all the actions of such a person is the need for control and self-assertion at the expense of humiliating others. This allows him to drown out the fear of his own worthlessness and gives him a feeling of power.
Domestic violence always represents moral or physical tyranny or a combination of both at once. It is not even worth trying to create a healthy relationship with a tyrant husband. He only agrees to one model, where the man has the power and his spouse plays the role of a pillow to beat.
Often a despot’s chosen wife unconsciously builds her life around a similar pattern and looks for a suitable partner who can humiliate her. Such a man will never see a really strong companion next to him, because she will not allow him to play by his own rules. However, it is important to remember that between the roles of the victim and the abuser is a very thin line, because in every victim there is a desire to persecute and vice versa.
Types of Tyrant Husbands
The tendency to tyranny can manifest itself in different ways, but the most common way a man acts is this way:
Seeks to control everything.
It is important for the domestic tyrant to always know who and where he is. He may interrogate why his wife walked from the bus stop for five minutes longer, how much she spent, and what she bought. He even cares about his partner’s dream plot.
The wife receives hundreds of questions from the tyrant husband every day. To remain silent here will not work, so it is better to give an answer right away, otherwise his suspiciousness will reach its peak and conflict will not be avoided. The main problem lies in the fact that the man covers his behavior by taking care of his beloved. This approach often does not allow the woman to quickly recognize the obsession.
Over time, the husband forbids his spouse to cross paths with all members of the opposite sex, up to relatives, does not trust her colleagues, friends. He monitors the movement of transport on the maps, checks his wife’s page on social networks, looks closely at what she wears and how she wears makeup. Such a man may well install a listening device at home.
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16 signs that your husband is a tyrant
Sometimes a domestic tyrant is easy to recognize: he uses physical violence and there is simply no doubt. But there are other situations – when there is no physical aggression, but psychological pressure drives you crazy…
“Unlike physical violence, emotional violence is a more subtle thing. The actions of the tyrant are often explained as ‘well-intentioned’ and disguised as caring,” says Lisa Ferentz, a social worker who specializes in toxic relationships . Sometimes the victim may not even realize she is living with a tyrant. What signs should alert her?
He’s constantly controlling you.
Trying to control an adult is a sign of emotional abuse. If your partner makes decisions that you have to make yourself: what to eat or what to wear – that’s the first “bell”. It’s even more obvious if he interferes with your communication with friends, forbids you to go to work, requires passwords to personal accounts, shows intense jealousy or even accuses you of cheating.
Undermines your self-confidence.
Emotional abuse often includes insults. It is a “proven” way to strike at the other person’s self-esteem and further establish control. The tyrant deliberately insults others by calling the woman “stupid,” “fat,” “worthless,” or “disgusting.”
At first he is angry, then…suave.
Tyrants can obsessively monitor things like your weight, manner of speaking, or controlling habits. If something doesn’t meet their standards, get very angry. But as soon as a man feels he might lose you, he’ll backtrack: saying “I’ll never do that again,” “I can’t live without you,” or “I meant it differently.” But all of this is insincere and without a bit of regret, just manipulation.
Emotional abuse does not leave wounds and scars. But the one who survived it, can subsequently experience increased anxiety, panic attacks, depression, post-traumatic syndrome, have problems with substance abuse.
He doesn’t accept objections.
Absolutely all couples argue from time to time, figure things out and look for a compromise. And that’s okay! A bad “bell” is a situation where every disagreement in the couple ends up “winning” your partner.
The tyrant acts so as to turn the victim’s opinion against herself, to intimidate her, so she does not dare to object and do whatever he wants.
Never supports you.
“A clear sign of relationship violence is that when a woman approaches her partner with a problem or complaint, instead of comforting or helping, he suddenly attacks,” says Diane Gehart, PhD, professor at California State University.
Emotional abusers often blame the victim for being overly sensitive and taking certain things personally. This allows them to avoid blame, maintain a position of dominance and create a sense of insecurity in the victim and therefore insecurity.
It creates false memories
Are there times when your partner cites conversations that didn’t happen, your belongings constantly change their position in the house, and you ask yourself the same question: did some event happen in the past or not? These are all signs of gaslighting.
The partner deliberately provides false information to his victim in order to make him doubt his own memories, perceptions and, ultimately, sanity. This allows him to maintain power.
“Women who are emotionally abused often come to believe that they are stupid or selfish because their partners constantly accuse them of these things,” says psychotherapist Beverly Engel.
He always wants to know your location
Laurie Ann, M.D., a professor at the Feinberg School of Medicine, says that in the early stages of a relationship, it can look like a show of attention or concern. A partner may suddenly show up at a woman’s work to take her out to lunch or for a walk, so he finds out what she’s doing and who she’s communicating with.
You are afraid to talk to him.
You can tell a lot about your relationship just by how you feel and how you act. If you are afraid to bring up certain topics in conversation because of your partner’s possible negative reaction, it is indicative of emotional abuse in the relationship. Constant discomfort and guilt are the red flags of a toxic relationship.
It has several masks.
Emotional tyrants can be quite charming. At the beginning of a relationship, they appear to be romantic, kind and compassionate people. But as attachment develops between them and the victim, they change little by little, revealing their true nature.
So when victims tell others the truth about their partner, many do not believe them because they see a different person in front of them. But this is all just a disguise.
“Most people associate cruelty with causing harm. However, the tyrant may play on the victim’s sense of affection, denying affection or money to punish the victim,” says Lisa Ferentz, author of books on self-destructive behavior in women.
You are not attracted to him
“Women generally need to feel trust and intimacy with their partner in order to be emotionally and physically aroused. If instead she feels hurt, frightened or angry, she won’t feel safe and her body will react accordingly,” says Beverly Engel, psychotherapist and author of books on emotional abuse.
You don’t want to “rock the boat.”
Victims of a tyrant often describe their lives as if they were walking on a knife edge. A relationship with a tyrant makes people live in fear. And if she is afraid, unwilling to change anything, thereby “rocking the boat,” it is a sure sign of an emotionally toxic relationship.
You feel threatened.
A tyrant partner may threaten to harm you, your beloved pets or your property. Experts from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services tell us that he may also threaten to call the authorities to report your “wrongdoing” or mistreatment of your children. Sometimes tyrants threaten to harm themselves if you don’t comply with their terms.
“Many victims of emotional abuse claim it is even more painful for them than acts of physical aggression,” admits Diane Gehart, PhD.
You’re constantly defending him.
The victim’s family and friends often notice that her spouse is a tyrant and are honest about it. They see that love is blinding the woman and try to open her eyes. But when they discuss the victim’s spouse’s actions, she defends him, denies the bad attitude, or even justifies it. Psychologists speak in such a case of “Stockholm syndrome,” when the partner insults, hurts, or ignores the victim, and she still loves him.
He often changes plans without warning.
The tyrant believes he can “veto” any event by suddenly changing plans or deciding that his spouse needs something else. So instead of having dinner at a family restaurant, he may take her to the store to pick out his sports equipment or to the racetrack, making her watch the horses race.
Over time, the abrupt change of plans becomes habitual and the woman’s own desires and needs cease to be considered at all.
He promises to leave.
This is a form of manipulation. If a man manages to convince a woman that she is “inferior”, “unworthy” and that “no one will ever love her”, he can threaten her that he will leave her. Because the victim’s psyche is already emotionally exhausted, she may ask him to stay despite the toxic relationship and insults.
Outbursts of anger lead to violence
If your spouse gets so angry that it really scares you, starts smashing furniture or punching a wall with his fist, it’s a sign of emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t escalate to direct physical action against you.
How do you get help if you are in a toxic relationship?
If you come to the conclusion that you are in an emotionally abusive, toxic relationship, see a therapist. An experienced professional will help to understand the causes of “victim behavior,” set the record straight, remove unnecessary doubts and help you “heal.”
There are many “signals” that can indicate emotional abuse. It is important to be able to recognize them in a relationship. I will focus on the “classic” ones:
Restricting communication with loved ones, friends, co-workers. “Why do you need them all when you have me?”
Total control. Where are you when you come? Who are you with? If you went on business, be sure to say which ones, and why. But the result of a trip, whether it’s a beauty salon or a doctor’s appointment, is not interesting. It is only important to know the location.
Shopping for home goods and gifts. One will never know what a woman wants. Will always buy what he sees fit. And it doesn’t matter if it’s his fifth boots or fourth frying pan, and she wanted flowers or a gold bracelet.
No self-development. God forbid she becomes interested in other men. There are only his interests and her chores and childcare. You can forget about concerts, theaters, studies.
Financial dependence. Knowing that she has no money for her needs, he will not allocate it to her.
Emotional Abuse. Constant guilt and shame thrust upon her by her husband. Constant devaluation, humiliation and insults. Always finding that “bad.” And the “good” of a tyrant is very rare.
What to do about it?
With the tyrant is important to be self-sufficient person, although if you are, the tyrant will not be with you. Or rather, it is possible that he met you as such, and then nullified and devalued, to self-assert themselves at your expense.
It is important to set personal boundaries. Do not allow yourself to insult and remember your dignity as a woman, a mother, a person. No one has the right to hurt you. Neither emotionally, nor physically.
If your husband’s tyranny is obvious, it is better to make every effort to divorce and distance yourself as soon as possible. The longer you are with such a person, the more you stop trusting yourself, your thoughts, feelings, feelings. And you get “heated up” like a frog in boiling water. At first you don’t feel the temperature, and then when you’re boiling, you don’t have the strength to jump out. The “boiling point” has to be felt immediately.
Knowing your value and worth, and loving yourself – seeing a tyrant in your environment is an unlikely fact.
The domestic tyrant is a person obsessed with a lust for power. On the surface, of course, is the desire to take care of loved ones. But the most important question for him: who is the master of the house?
Even the smallest “disobedience” (that is, disagreement with his opinion) pisses him off. State your opinion is regarded as an attack on his “throne”, which he carefully protects, even if no one is trying to hurt him.
Agreeing with someone else’s opinion for him is equal to obeying, so it is almost impossible to agree with him.
Such a man, under the idea of caring, is very quick to make a woman depend on him. For example, quite nobly, “Honey, why do you have to work?” And the woman finds herself economically defenseless and dependent.
It is important to see at the very beginning of the relationship signs that your marriage is going to be quite specific. Be able to see through the rose-colored glasses of love to the phrase “Honey, where have you been today, and at what time, and with whom?” not care and attention, but a hint of control.
The difference between caring and control is simple:
- He knows better than you what you need to wear, where to go, how to behave and what to do.
- He criticizes and evaluates. Insists on improving what he criticizes.
- Says compliments in the form of praise, “well done,” “good girl,” “smart girl.
- He is a priori sure that his opinion is correct by default on the rights of the main: “I said so” and demands obedience.
- He threatens to break up or “It will be even worse if you behave badly.
It is impossible to create a normal relationship with such a person without becoming a victim. If such a couple exists, both players are unconsciously enjoying it. The way out is to grow up and stop being a child to “daddy.
If your spouse is a tyrant, I have one piece of advice: Run. Run, and don’t ever look back!
But it is better, of course, not to get into such a situation. What in common parlance is called a “tyrant husband,” in the language of psychiatry is called a person with a personality disorder, with one of the disorders. In Soviet psychiatry it was called psychopathy.
And here’s the thing, personality has a facade, there is a showcase, like a store, where the best is on display, and then there is the core of personality, the back room, where all the essence is hidden. An ordinary person puts the best he has on display. A psychopath, on the other hand, can put anything he wants in there. Absolutely. And he can keep the most unimaginable crap in the back room.
So you have to watch how a man behaves in different situations. And if there are unpleasant “bells”, from a man to run. Already now, and not to bring matters to the wedding, rings and children.
Identify a man a tyrant can only be after the start of a life together. That is why tyrants are often uncovered only in marriage. At first it may seem that the man has all the good qualities. But in the end, it will turn out that the girl falls into the hands not of a caring man, but of a man who controls every action. A man who will get angry and manipulate you into doing things you may not like.
A woman has three choices: to divorce the tyrant spouse, tolerate his behavior or teach him to accept your desires. It’s difficult, but very realistic!
It is no coincidence that we attract the kind of partners that are in the moment. If you have a tyrant spouse, then you are the victim.
As a rule, we transfer the scenario with the parents on our second half – replacing one of them. That’s how it was done to us as children: the fear and fear of guilt, of doing something wrong and getting punished by parents.
Often girls try to leave their father’s house as quickly as possible in the hope of escaping from the control and criticism of their parents. The inner conflict is not resolved. To resolve it safely, the tyrant husband arrives.
- To realize, to see the similarity of the husband with his parents.
- Stop blaming your husband, who “interrogates” the role of your parents in order to eliminate your own conflict with them.
- Accept the role of the victim as a “garment” that protected you from something (to find a secondary benefit).
- Free yourself from the role of victim through awareness: “What was this given to me for?”, “What was I supposed to understand?”
After you do this work on yourself, get answers to these questions, the tyrant husband will either start treating you differently, or he himself will leave your life. After all, he did for you what he came for.
If your husband began to control your every move, communicating with you, humiliates and insults, loves to put you in a dependent position, and in the worst case – is letting his hands loose, then you know: he is a tyrant.
The choice is yours: you can leave everything as it is, to convey to her husband, that such treatment is unacceptable, or, in the case of assault, to run away from her husband. Better yet, seek help from a specialist (family therapist) or a support center for women who have suffered from domestic violence.
Unfortunately, aggression by husbands toward their wives is not uncommon. Not only that, it is sometimes deliberately provoked by the environment of the spouses, based on the beliefs of olden times: “A wife must be kept in strictness”, “An eye on the women”, “The husband is the head of everything”.
In modern society, where both spouses have to work, and the wife often has a higher status in society than the husband, it is difficult for a man to conform to these beliefs without aggression. He may be happy to treat his wife with more affection and love,
but she, too, is affected by these social shifts to the side: the husband rules, the wife obeys.
But the greatest misfortune is that by doing so a tyrant is revealed in the man. Having once allowed him to break free, the husband cannot drive him back into opacity. The wife, terrified, confirms its presence.
Actually, this is the key to solving this problem of spouses: the tyrant must be detected, clearly named and removed from the relationship by mutual consent or with the involvement of outside helpers. They can be relatives, friends and even the public. The main thing is not to keep silent, not to let the tyrant grow to the size of a comprehensive, when only he will be present in the actions of her husband. This is where the wife is supposed to help him. You can’t do it yourself? Already a lot of tyranny in the house: yelling, depreciation, abuse, insults? Be sure to seek help from specialists, primarily a psychologist. Look for ways to stop the tyrant and bring your loved one back into the relationship!