Why women cheat – frank monologues.
A woman must be faithful. At first glance, this assertion is not to argue with. But if you think about it, the questions begin to arise. Why just a woman? Does she have to do something? Could it be that fidelity is a way to hold and control a man apart from his will? Male infidelity is taken for granted in our society, while female infidelity is seen as a shameful unforgivable act. Gender stereotypes are being erased, but some of them have proven particularly resistant. In the first issue of the new project “Without faces,” we will discuss one of the hottest topics in the “battle of the sexes” – feminine infidelity.
The rules are simple. We invited women into the studio, each of whom, to put it simply, went to the left – in different ways, for different reasons, it led to different results. On the table are cards with questions. Our heroines reserve the right to remain incognito, but promise to answer with utmost honesty. Be sure to watch the video, and below we post the most interesting quotes.
Meet. The woman in the white bike first cheated on her husband 23 years ago and continues to cheat to this day. In the blue, she lived with her abusive husband for 13 years, cheated on him, and is now married to the man with whom the cheating happened. In black, she cheated on her common-law husband, which led to a final separation.
– How did the first infidelity happen?
White: I was just walking home, a car stopped and a guy met me. We dated for about a year.
Blue: I had the only cheating, I don’t even think it was cheating because my ex-husband cheated on me all the time. He had a lot of women – some I knew about, then I wasn’t even interested anymore.
Black: I lived with my common-law partner for seven years, I had a child with him. When I got pregnant, he said that he was not ready for family life. After that I found out that all these years he had another girl. It was advantageous to be around me, because I was a good housewife and everything was fine with me in sex, and with the second girl he was skiing all the time, going to Bukovel.
White: Didn’t he want to take you to Bukovel?
Black: Then he took her and me from time to time. She skates better. We went on like that for two years, and I met a guy. I could not tell the father of my child about him, so I think it was still cheating.
– Does your relationship to your husband change after you cheat on him?
Blue: I always knew I was going to leave him. I guess I just didn’t have the strength to do it. I had been preparing for ten years, then the cheating happened, and my attitude toward my husband didn’t change.
Black: In my version, I felt remorse, because for a long time before that I had tried to save the relationship, I had turned a blind eye to a lot of things. Also, those first two years were terrible after the baby was born, his actions and words.
And I tried to pull it out to the end, to forgive, so that we could have some kind of marriage. And then I cheated and realized that I didn’t want to be with him anymore.
White: Of course you should not blame yourself so much. I, for example, changed my attitude toward my husband after each betrayal. I compared him. Held sex with my husband for a long time. In other men I looked for a good attitude. My husband, by the way, always said, “Of course they will be nice and affectionate to you because they want to *** you.” My response was, “Honey, don’t you want to *** me?”
Black: I’ve always been told, too: you have no one to compare you to, that’s why you hold on, even though you shouldn’t do it for a long time.
White: Well, that’s why, to have someone to compare it with (laughs), I don’t think you have to wait many years.
Black: I also wanted to get revenge by cheating.
Blue: I had that, too, by the way. When the cheating happened, there was satisfaction that I did it, that I got back at him. He didn’t beat me, but this man, for example, deprived me of my livelihood when I was on maternity leave with small children. I had to humiliate myself and ask him for food. There was no sex as such… After a few years of such a life I became hysterical.
White: Did you tell anybody what was going on?
Blue: When it got really bad, I went to my mother’s house with my children. She would tell me: “Go back home and learn to live with him…” For some reason I didn’t share it with my friends. He somehow cut out all my entourage, left it in the past, I could only communicate with his acquaintances. He was picking up my girlfriends-even to the point of that.
– How destructive is adultery to a marriage?
Chernaya: I think it’s completely destructive. I was never officially married, but I want to be in a marriage where there is absolute trust.
White: I think cheating is when you love one person and live with another. Then, of course, it’s destructive to the marriage. For me, for example, it’s more fun to socialize than it is to have sex. You get to know each other, you get to know new people… In every family, I think, it’s individual.
Blue: So then what is marriage for? If you can have this, and then this, and then this?
Black: Then why do you end up getting a divorce? If you’re happy with everything.
White: I’m not satisfied with anything, I want to live my life in peace… A good deed is not called marriage. If the relationship is trusting, it does not matter if there is a stamp in the passport or not.
I am now in a very trusting relationship with a wonderful man, I recently met him, I like everything. We agreed on everything “on the shore”: everyone has his own personal life, and it’s free.
Blue: Infidelity is definitely the end of a marriage. In the first place, it is the end of the relationship. When I found out about my husband’s first infidelity, everything ended inside for me. I only kept the family together for the sake of the children, even though it ended up being a mistake. I had lost myself saving my daddy for the kids. My youth was gone, you could say. If you live in a marriage and all is well (I live in a marriage now and all is well!), you appreciate what you have and do everything you can to keep the relationship clean.
– How was a lover different from a husband?
White: It’s a very different attitude: meetings are infrequent, the household doesn’t drag on, you have a nice time. Husbands eventually stop giving you the attention you deserve just as a woman. If they need to bring something, they will not say “please”, you do not hear any affectionate words at all. And with a lover it’s different – you’re practically a queen. You could say that everything is for you.
Blue: It was the exact opposite. A man who had completely different qualities from my ex-husband. When it was very hard for me, I imagined an image of a man I wanted to be with, and it became easier. And when another man appeared in my life, it turned out to be exactly the image I had painted myself.
Black: In my version, he differed from my husband in the first place by his generosity. I had never been given so much in my life: he always came with bags of food, bought gifts for the child. Before that I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as coming to the store and not paying for it myself… But my husband was better in sex.
– It is believed that a man cheats by nature. What about the woman?
White: Well yes, a woman has a different nature. She cheats when she doesn’t see what she needs in a current relationship. You can see it right away: there’s a category of women who are always searching, it’s like they’re looking in the crowd for the right person. And when she finds him, the look immediately changes.
Blue: You said it very right. I vividly remember walking around and looking men in the eye. Not because I consciously wanted any kind of relationship, it was something that happened intuitively. And after I found myself with a man who suited me in every way, I didn’t look anywhere else. That’s it, I’ve found it.
I don’t agree with the statement that men are by nature cheaters. You know, “nature” then can justify anything.
Black: I think that story goes back centuries: eat after the fight, drink after the fight, and…baba.
White: I think if a man, if he’s happy with everything in the family, he won’t look left either, just like a woman does.
Black: I’ve known a lot of men, and now I have the same guy who doesn’t look at anybody but his girlfriend.
Blue: Yes, we have more women than men in this country, and a lot comes from that in general. It automatically turns out that it’s the man who chooses…
White: It’s hard for us to find a real man, isn’t it?
Black: That’s probably why only as a last resort does a woman cheat.
– Has your partner’s attitude toward children changed?
Blue: It seems to me that no, he was never interested in children. True, he started manipulating them when it came to the divorce. All the pressure he applied to me, he wanted to apply to the children. It didn’t work with one child, because he had set boundaries, but with the second one, unfortunately, it worked. It was terrifying to watch the child take it all in his pure childish heart, suffer, cry, and there was nothing I could do about it. Because if you’re married to someone like that, you can at least leave, and if it’s your father, you’re not going anywhere. And that’s forever.
BLACK: When we finally separated, he said: “I don’t want the baby to get used to me when you already have another man.” Maybe that’s an excuse, I don’t know. He told me long before that: “I’m going to have a normal full family, children only in a normal marriage.”
White: I can see from my youngest daughter that the attitude is changing. She’s a teenager now, and he sometimes transfers the resentments that were on me to her. For example, he may call my daughter bad names in a fit of rage and under the influence of alcohol.
– Is there a right to cheat?
Black: After all of the above, yes, probably. Everyone has the right to do something, as long as they take responsibility for their actions.
White: Yes, I think so too, because we don’t have so many rights, more obligations. At least let that be the case.
Blue: I can safely say that I had every right, especially after everything that happened between me and my husband.
You can’t say to a man, “You and I are married, and now you’re not entitled to anything. You have it, but you’re going to be responsible afterwards, that’s all.
White: Your partner is not your property.
– How does guilt manifest itself? Is there one?
White: There was at first, but it wasn’t guilt, it was more the fear of him finding out.
Blue: The only thing I felt was guilt in front of my kids. For not being able to save the relationship, the marriage… The obsession that they should have a daddy and now it was my fault that everything fell apart. Because the way it turned out: he was good, he was going out all the time, but the marriage didn’t fall apart – and I cheated once, and everything fell apart right away.
White: Because you were holding on to that marriage!
Blue: Yes, I agreed with that. Although in a good way such a relationship shouldn’t have been maintained in the first place. I put up with a lot of things, but first of all, the abnormal treatment of myself. I encourage women who are in difficult, abusive relationships right now to go and tell everyone they can about what’s going on.
When you share with others, when you get feedback, you start to realize: the fact that you have to beg for money on maternity leave, that you’re being strangled pregnant, is completely abnormal, and it has to end. But this isn’t about guilt anymore.
I remembered. When my ex-husband became suspicious that I was having a relationship on the side, he forced me to stand all night demanding an answer.
Black: Like I said, there was a little guilt, but it somehow went away quickly. I didn’t tell him about the cheating, but I broke off the relationship and wouldn’t let him go home. To which I got a flash of rage: “What right do you have?”
– Should I admit to cheating? When? And for what purpose?
Blue: In my case, of course it was worth it. It was very hard for me to hide it. I did it for a while, but when I confessed, I was very relieved.
Black: In my case with the kind of man I had, I shouldn’t have. If I wanted to continue a relationship with him, I would certainly be tormented by what I was hiding. But sometimes it happens like this: he holds on, holds on, holds on, and you want to leave… Maybe that’s when you should say, “I cheated on you, you know? That’s it, let me go, let me go!”
White: I think that, looking at this question in some kind of abstract, sterile situation, if you want to continue a relationship with a person, then of course it’s important to confess. But only when you understand that your partner will react adequately to it. So that the confession doesn’t cost you your life.
– Would you repeat that adultery?
White: Yes, because it’s my life and if I wanted it the first time, why wouldn’t I want to do it again?
Blue: Absolutely, I would do it again because it saved me, I finally loved myself and I’m happy now.
Black: If I hadn’t done it, the drag would have continued. And this way I realized that there are other men who treat you well, and life can be beautiful.
Belaya: If a man were a real man… Although, in principle… You should probably be a real woman yourself in the first place. If I were treated properly, the way I see myself now… No, I would never cheat.
Why does a woman cheat on her husband – the psychology and causes of female infidelity?
Women’s infidelity hurts not only their husbands, but also their children. Often the betrayed lady also suffers terribly. The children are left with psychological trauma, the man loses his self-respect, and the wife feels betrayed. Then follows a divorce. At least it seems that way. But everything is more complicated, not always so tragic. So what are the causes of female adultery, how it differs from that of men, to what consequences. And most importantly, how to avoid infidelity.
The psychology of female infidelity and the differences from men’s adultery
Psychological reasons for treason between the sexes are very different. Man is just looking for a way to satisfy the “basic instinct”. But for the fairer sex, it is important to have an emotional emotional emotional connection. This is clearly evidenced by the results of a study conducted several years ago in Russia, Eastern Europe. Only about a quarter of cheating women said they did not have deep feelings for the lover. The same said as much as 70% of men.
The psychology of female infidelity is not simple. Ladies admit infidelity when they have big problems with their beloved. Then the fair sex are trying to find a new lover. And women to decide to leave her spouse, not enough just a sense of intimacy, good sex. Ladies want stability, security. Therefore, the lover should show willingness to live with a woman for the rest of his life.
But cheating husbands quite satisfied with the beloved. Representatives of the stronger sex are simply looking for a way to diversify sex life, a little break from family life. Men want connection without obligation. Unfaithful husbands do not want to divorce. Choosing a mistress, the stronger sex is not picky. They see her not as a person but as a female object for satisfying their main instinct. Only the external data matter (and not necessarily). These are the peculiarities of the psychology of adultery in men.
Husbands usually hide adultery, trying to behave with the other half as usual. Women are more difficult. Particles of the female sex is not easy to play the role of a loving wife, often they admit, regretting what happened.
Why is treason for her husband very painful?
The ego strong half of humanity is more vulnerable, the man more severely perceives blows to his self-esteem. Very difficult to survive treason in the second half. Revealed the truth deprives self-respect. The man begins to consider himself a loser, a wimp, a “loser” lover. Severe depression and various neurotic disorders develop. He doesn’t give a damn about the psychology of adultery.
Husband hurts first of all the fact of dishonesty of the woman. Constant lying destroys confidence in the weaker sex, instills pathological jealousy. When a betrayed man divorced, looking for a new pair, it is difficult to rebuild a healthy relationship.
Why women cheat on their husbands: common reasons, psychology
Women are full of sexual energy no less than the male half of humanity. Ladies also fall in love, can be dissatisfied with the marriage, want change. But society still considers adultery committed by the weaker sex, a much greater “crime” for male infidelity. It looks the cheating spouse through its fingers. A woman, on the other hand, is called a lecher, a criminal who betrays her family. Of course, everything is much more complicated. The psychology of adultery in a woman is a well without a bottom.
There are many reasons why a wife decides to cheat. Here are the main ones.
Low self-esteem, other psychological problems
Cheating is often decided by those who suffer from low self-esteem. Depression, psychological trauma from childhood (e.g., the girl was a victim of a pedophile), cause a desire to raise low self-esteem with the help of adultery.
Such a relationship temporarily removes the painful feeling of uselessness and inner emptiness, helps to forget about psychological problems, to feel (even if only for a short time) desired, loved, “alive, real”.
Finding inner stability through sexual intercourse
If a girl was sexually abused as a child, the resulting trauma often manifests itself in sexual addiction (nymphomania). The problem may also appear in persons suffering from manic-depressive psychosis (bipolar disorder), borderline personality disorder. Such women are constantly looking for emotional, mental intimacy. With the help of multiple cheating, such individuals temporarily free themselves from an inferiority complex, feel “real” and gain a sense of significance. Women who have been sexually abused regain the sense of inner security that was lost after sexual abuse with the help of sexual acts. They are alien to remorse and the recognition of their adultery as psychological treason.
Lack of emotional emotional connection.
Due to employment spouse cool to the second half, little time with his beloved, rarely talking, not often enough to hug, kiss. And a woman in the lover is trying to find a man who will give missing warmth, care. Cheating, in terms of psychology – the desire to feel loved for real.
By the way! About the importance of soul connection for the weaker sex speaks an interesting experiment, conducted several decades ago by American scientists. Particulars of both sexes of traditional orientation were shown two videos, where couples gay and lesbian beautifully courting each other, then indulge in affectionate caresses. About 80% of the men were only excited by the video of the two ladies. But as many as 70% of the women were emotionally affected by both videos.
In the story with the two lesbians, the ladies saw not only lovemaking, but also an emotional connection. Therefore, the video did not leave them indifferent. Men in the relationship of two gay men discerned only the sexual aspect, causing disgust.
By the way, this is why the scripts of erotic films intended for male audiences are as simplified as possible. Everything is reduced to endless coitus. The same is true of the literature of such content. But the erotic movies for women (take for example the sensational “Fifty Shades of Grey”) are always constructed around the romantic, psychological, emotional aspect of a relationship. Sex acts, on the other hand, are assigned a secondary role.
Unrealistic expectations – naivety, narcissism
Why does a woman cheat on her husband? Psychology states that emotionally immature persons think: the man will always be perfect. When a partner cheats on unrealistic expectations, a woman begins to look for a new ideal.
Narcissistic personality expects: the spouse will always anticipate the desires, will fulfill any whim. At first demand to buy a new iPhone, will help upgrade closet. Even better – he will allow you to dispose of your own money. Man, of course, does not meet these high standards. Then the narcissists of the female sex begin to look for a more soulful, generous partner. This is not an uncommon cause of infidelity from a psychological point of view.
The woman also violates marital fidelity, seeking revenge on her husband for the betrayal. Usually the lady does not hide the betrayal in order to make her husband suffer a lot.
Feelings of abandonment, unwillingness to play the role of “housewife
Sometimes the wife turns into a housewife, just to please her husband, becoming a servant, a babysitter. She gets nothing in return. Naturally, this situation does not suit her, a woman craves emotional intimacy, attention. Therefore throws herself into the arms of another without any regrets, remorse. The psychology of a woman after cheating on her husband can undergo a change – the lady no longer wishes to be a “nobody”.
In a woman’s mind, mental and sexual intimacy are closely intertwined. Therefore, when the partner sexually does not satisfy the lady, it may seem to her: her husband has lost his desire, and therefore fallen out of love. The woman begins to think that unattractive, unsexual. To feel desirable again, looking for a lover.
Remember! Contrary to popular myth, a woman can bring sex much more than a man.
Scientists found out: during the female orgasm, the body produces a fivefold dose of oxytocin – a hormone that increases attachment to the partner, increasing confidence. Men produce much less of this hormone at the climax of sexual intercourse. If a woman will often have an orgasm, treason will forget to think about it. Dissatisfaction with sexual life – not an uncommon reason why the wives cheat. That’s how their psychology works.
Sometimes a simple accident leads to an extramarital affair. For example, a wife meets the love of her early youth. Feelings flare up again. However, the woman usually voluntarily extinguishes passion, considering herself a criminal, the destroyer of a family nest. She feels psychological pressure: the consciousness demands the admission of treason, repentance to the spouse of a married lady.
If a woman is often alone when her husband is away, she feels a strong sense of loneliness, abandonment, even when she is sure that the man loves. Then the lady cheats. The woman has no long-term plans associated with her lover. She is just trying to overcome the loneliness.
A way to end the relationship
It can be difficult for a woman to “directly” end a relationship. She is afraid to tell her husband frankly: the feelings have disappeared. Therefore, gets a lover. No love for him the lady has no. Affair on the side – just a reason to divorce.
These are the main explanations for why women cheat, whose psychology is more vulnerable and sensitive than that of men.
Ways to avoid women cheating
It is important for a man to remain the same attentive gentleman that he was when he met his future second half. It is necessary to make pleasant surprises, to suddenly give pantyhose, shoes, to say that his beloved is the best, the most beautiful. The spouse should remember the romance, spend a lot of time together with your beloved, emotionally supportive.
The husband needs to help his wife in the household, to actively participate in the upbringing of children. If his wife earns good money, a man should be happy about the success of the other half. The husband should hide the fact that he is hurt by this state of things. On the occasion of a promotion, the spouse should organize a small party, congratulate and give gifts.
Naturally, one should not forget about the intimate side of the relationship. It is advantageous for the spouse to do everything to ensure that the woman gets pleasure during sex. The wife should constantly feel that she occupies a central place in the life of her beloved. This will strengthen the marriage union, reduce the risk of infidelity.
Remember! It is important for women to refrain from highly ineffective, “negative” ways to prevent infidelity. Husband should not be jealous, threaten to try to control, trying to find out where the beloved goes. This will only encourage adultery.
If a couple lives in a civil marriage, a man should offer to marry as soon as possible. Any person of the weaker sex is always making plans, thinking about the future, longing for a stable lasting relationship. The absence of a wedding ring on her finger is alarming. It seems to her that the day will come when they will leave her. The lady begins to think about Plan B. If your loved one doesn’t even want to hear about marriage, children, then her spouse may start to implement Plan B. That’s why a man should make plans for the future together with his beloved. Then, according to psychologists, treason is not threatened.
Ways to find out if the woman is cheating
Women are difficult to hide their own feelings. Most often the lady in all confesses or gives herself out. Cheating spouse sits in the mirror for a long time, again begins to go to aerobics, fitness, constantly trying to look good. Not only in her own eyes, but also in the eyes of her lover.
Also unfaithful woman begins to pick on things that she previously tolerated (dishes not washed by her husband, scattered clothes). Or vice versa: completely ceases to pay attention to the faults of the spouse, as if beloved absolutely not interested. An unfaithful wife becomes emotionally and sexually cold. Avoids any physical contact (even a simple hug).
When the spouse is sure that the wife is cheating or beloved in all admitted, it is very important to decide what to do next. Together they must talk honestly about the future. Of course, the couple, caught in such a difficult situation, need the help of psychologists. Specialists will help to decide whether it is worth preserving the relationship, or love has already completely faded, and therefore it is better to divorce calmly without unnecessary drama, scandals.
The consequences of female infidelity
Women’s infidelity much more often than men’s ends in divorce. It is difficult for a lady to stop cheating, even when she wants to. Emotionally, she is already “divided”, the lover has become a close person with whom a woman associates her own future.
Naturally, adultery affects the children. Teenage daughters may begin to feel hostility towards their father, placing the blame for what happened on his shoulders. Sons, on the contrary, will tend to blame the mother. This will have a negative effect on the psyche. Children will begin to associate marital relations with deceit and suffering. It will not be easy to build normal relationships with the opposite sex.
Ways to overcome the consequences of adultery, if the marriage can be saved
If the marriage can be saved, the woman returns to the beloved, the couple needs serious psychological help. After all, feelings of guilt can lead to severe depression. With the help of proven psychotherapeutic techniques psychologist hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin will help his wife overcome remorse for what he did, and a man to return self-respect.
In order for the deep wounds of adultery to heal, the wife should be as frank as possible. At a therapy session or in private with her spouse, the woman should honestly confess everything, ask for forgiveness. It is very important that the lady explain the motives for her actions, tell how long the infidelity lasted. Then gradually the husband will again begin to trust the other half.
Psychologists advise the reconciled couple to hold a symbolic ritual of farewell to the past. On some memorable place (for example, near the wedding palace or temple, where the couple was married) they should burn a piece of paper with the inscription “treason”, then re-pledge allegiance to each other. Such a thing is sure to be remembered, bringing back good memories. Also, the couple should organize a “remake” of the honeymoon, go on a honeymoon trip again, to forget the past, to start the relationship with a clean slate.
What causes a woman’s infidelity through the eyes of a psychologist? Ways of self-justification
Psychologists argue: treason leads to cognitive dissonance – the discord between values and actions. That is why cheating spouse needs to justify the betrayal. This situation is reminiscent of war, when a soldier is forced to kill, although his values do not allow for such a thing. The soldier needs to temporarily change his own principles, to find a good justification for killing. Or, in the language of psychology, to rationalize his own actions. The role of the “rationalizer” is performed by patriotic propaganda.
- The beloved woman is not worthy. Of course, an extramarital affair is not murder, but it also causes a discord between a person’s values and actions. The cheating person often rationalizes cheating by suggesting to himself that the other half deserves it. The discord between her values and her actions diminishes, the woman is no longer tormented by doubts. She begins to look for a new partner with a clear conscience.
- Double life. Also, some individuals suppress guilt with separate thinking. The woman divides her personal life into two parts. The first is set aside for her husband, the second for her lover. The woman ceases to realize the contradictory nature of her own behavior and begins to lead a double life, trying to remain a good wife to her husband and be a desirable mistress to the other. Women rarely choose this way to rationalize their guilt. It is much more common among men.
- A woman thinks she is “bad.” Some individuals, in order to get rid of cognitive dissonance, suggest to themselves that they simply cannot be faithful wives. To reduce their guilt, ladies begin to think that they have an immature character and cannot control their own behavior. “Here, if I were,” such ladies say to themselves, “I would be better, I would stay faithful. But my terrible character, and bad heredity does not give. There is no one to blame for the betrayal.”
Blame the lady in such “immoral thoughts” really makes no sense. A man who is going to cheat yearns for his values and actions to coincide, otherwise a feeling of dissatisfaction with himself, guilt and despair will inevitably be born. Such a mental state often ends in depression, even suicide attempts. Therefore, it is not strange that the human psyche does everything to get rid of excruciating value dissonance born of betrayal.
Betrayal of a woman does not necessarily turn out to be the end of a relationship and a tragedy. Often it is a new beginning. If the wife leaves her lover, and his spouse will be willing to forgive, then they will turn this difficult page of their lives and fall in love again. Get out of a difficult situation will help advice on your YouTube channel.