Men After Divorce: Psychology, New Relationships
Nowadays, divorced men are not a rarity, but a common occurrence. Marriages often break up within 5 years after they are concluded. What a man becomes after divorce: psychology, new relationships, all take on a new emotional angle.
For some, marriage is a kind of fetters, from which a man is even glad to get rid of, while others, on the contrary, seek to consolidate feelings with a stamp in the passport.
First of all, divorce from the male point of view, in most cases – the freedom that promises new victories, achievements, opportunities for self-fulfillment, career and financial prospects. At the same time, representatives of the male sex rarely initiate a divorce, but gladly support such a proposal of the spouse.
How does it feel for a man after a divorce?
Compared with women, there is a significant difference in how men endure divorce. They are less adapted to loneliness. However, it is not inherent in men to endure feelings in public, so it is much harder for them to go through a divorce psychologically. Men experience a lot of disappointment after a marriage dissolution. At first, freedom becomes the cause of high spirits.
The “new-found” bachelor feels perfectly happy.
How a man’s life changes after divorce:
- At first the discouraged mood disappears.
- Enthusiasm, new strength appears.
- There is no regret about the parting with his spouse.
- Feels that he did everything right and this is the best way out of the situation.
- Does not feel guilty. Especially when the spouse often arranged scandals, the man believes that the ex-wife got what she deserved. If she was still prudent, he may try to make amends financially. The man is sure that by doing so he will redeem himself.
- He does not think of married life; such thoughts irritate him.
- There is no fear of the life ahead. The man is sure that he won’t make any more mistakes.
Divorce in the eyes of a man is a release from the pesky custody. In terms of psychology, it is a previously experienced situation. Boys begin to separate themselves from their mothers at 5-7 years old. Gradually they try to free themselves from their mothers’ custody, and when they grow up they try to free themselves from marriage bonds, if family relations have been unsuccessful.
There is a significant difference when the ties of marriage dissolve young people and the psychology of men after divorce at age 40. In the first case, everything goes less painfully. Young men quickly find new life partners. After 40 years, many men after divorce try to go back to their ex-wife. The reason lies in reality, which turns out not to be as rosy as expected, and the strength is no longer the same as when they were young.
In the first 12 months after the dissolution of the marriage the man is sure that now he will definitely pay attention to a beautiful, caring, loyal and loving woman. He is waiting for amazing sex, strong emotions and new sensations. Part of these dreams come true.
Then comes a period when the new relationship usually does not meet their expectations, cease to bring joy and lead to another disappointment.
How long men go through a divorce depends on the reasons that caused it. There are five stages through which the “new-found” bachelor goes through.
Stages after divorce in men
1. The denial stage. The man does not believe that he is free, appears to be at a crossroads and subconsciously not yet ready for a new life.
2. The stage of anger. Man cannot quickly restore a full life, especially if there is no permanent woman, and there is no such expected passionate sex.
3. bargaining. This stage is short-lived. A man begins to wonder if he should go back to his former spouse. He has experienced all the pleasures of a lonely existence, and wishes to resume the former relationship. However, such thoughts come in flashes and quickly evaporate.
4. Depression. This is the most dangerous period. A man begins to suffer from depression, a dark streak in life. This condition is aggravated, if during the first three years, no new romantic relations are established.
5. Stage of acceptance. This is the stage of recovery. It helps to let go of the past and finally start a new life. The man stops worrying about the breakup of the marriage, his negative attitude towards the fact and his former spouse disappear.
Throughout this time (until it reaches the stage of acceptance), divorced men sometimes behave strangely and do things that they do not expect from themselves.
How do men behave after a divorce?
The strong sex does not feel guilty about the breakup of the relationship – this is the psychology of a man after a divorce, if he initiated it. Often relations with former spouses become tense and even hostile. Cases of friendship are rare. Usually the marriage falls apart when another woman appears on the horizon or the relationship has broken down and the marital bond has begun to be perceived as a “noose”.
Regardless of the initiator of the divorce, some men like to retaliate, as do women – to call them on false dates, share candid photos, etc. any reaction of the former spouse will only be unsettling. Many men, after a long walk in restaurants, tired of casual relationships and left alone, suddenly realize how good it was at home. Plans to return to the family begin to develop.
Most men go through depression after divorce. The dissolution of the marriage leaves at least an unpleasant feeling. Some men even cry, and for months, and in someone else’s arms have never been able to find solace.
How quickly do men get married after a divorce?
The psychology of men after a divorce from his wife is gradually reduced to the idea that all women are the same. After a divorce, a bachelor rarely marries quickly, fearing a repeat of a previous failed attempt. During this period he needs affection, tenderness, attention, sympathy. He begins to go to clubs, meet with friends, start non-committal relationships. As soon as the man feels that the woman begins to control him – this leads to rejection and even the breakup of a new relationship.
The first two years the man is looking hard for a new “soulmate”. He is sure that the new life will be radically different from the previous one. However, time passes and everything repeats, just like in the first marriage.
Often it gets even worse. After a series of disappointments, sexual frustration, there is a feeling of loneliness. After all the ordeal, two years after divorce, the psychology of men changes. If personal life during this time is not arranged, then begin to return memories of his ex-wife, the good parts of the marriage. In this case, a man may try to return to the family.
However, they often live a “civil marriage” after that. A divorced man usually enters into a real marriage about 5 years after the divorce. This is the time he needs to find a “soul mate” that will suit him.
Before discussing whether men regret divorce, it is important to know the reason for the breakup, the age of the spouses and who initiated it. When feelings have cooled down and life together is no longer happy, the termination of the marriage will not cause depression, but on the contrary, “breathes life”. In other ways, divorce can be very stressful for a man.
About the author: Hi, I’m Karolina Korablova. I live in the Moscow region, in the city of Odintsovo. I love life and people. I try to be realistic and optimistic about life. In people I appreciate the ability to behave. I am fond of psychology, in particular, conflict resolution. Graduated from the Russian State Social University, department of psychology of work and special psychology.
How do men change after a divorce?
I understand why, once they have slept together, people pretend that nothing happened. I don’t understand why they do the same after living with someone for years. They’ve slept together so many times! And they’ve outgrown their kids, outsmarted them, moved on vacation. If you want to get to know a man, divorce him, so says the popular wisdom. I would not want to know such a man. But I do want to know why it happens. “With money no problem, – assured me Boris, 34 years old, Capricorn, on the dating site, – I pay alimony officially, and the salary is black, so my ex did not get much, a couple of thousand”.
Boris did his best. He impressed me not only with his spelling, but also with his picture (in a green Jeep, with a bouquet of skewers, his face guessed behind pieces of roast pork), and his serious intentions. “I want to get married again,” the hero warned honestly. I didn’t go to the cafe with Boris, and I didn’t marry him either. And I didn’t even ask him the questions I wanted to ask (for example, such as: “Boris, what does your child eat on “a couple thousand” a month?” or: “And when you and your wife were together, did you call her a sunshine or a kitten?”). I just left the site. I guess Boris thought Capricorns weren’t a good fit for my horoscope. No “problems.”
A pot on the head Before I went to a dating site, I was divorced. My husband and I lived together for eight years. We had a boy, Kuzya. Nothing good came out of the marriage in the last few years – well, except for the boy. One day I turned on Skype, and it said to me, “I’m warm in bed, are you coming?” I read it and. rejoiced. No jealousy or resentment, no sense of ownership. I breathed a sigh of relief: now someone warm was waiting for him, and I could go. We agreed to a divorce on the balcony. I offered, he considered the offer. He finished and said: “I don’t know, but what are you going to live on? “I promised that I would be on something, and the baby and I were asked to find a rented apartment by the 28th. When I arrived on the 27th to get the rest of my things, I was met by a woman from Skype with a tray of dried mushrooms. It was warm at home. There was a checkered “shuttle” bag in the hallway, already packed. My clothes were stuffed into it, and an aluminum pot was placed on top. Next to it was a big bag of my son’s stuffed toys. “Take them if you want them,” said the lady with the mushrooms, “we were going to throw them away anyway. I took the bag, shouldered the bag. The pot fell out, and I put it over my head. As a crazy August Santa Claus, I set off into my new life. I had a good time, only the pot got in the way a little bit. I spent the next two years after my divorce “establishing a civilized relationship.” What other relationship could there be for people who parted so nicely on the balcony? Especially since they have a son who loves both mom and dad. And a shared past of almost three thousand days. I considered the episode with the dried mushrooms an accident. I wanted me and Cuse to communicate equally. So that my father wouldn’t feel disconnected from his son’s life, that he would know everything that was going on at school, and that he would be aware of the results of the swimming competitions-Kuzya was making progress in the crawl. I wasn’t going to file for child support – it was absolutely clear to me that my father, who used to feed one-year-old Kuzya from a bottle and open his mouth so funny together with the child, would not leave the grown-up Kuzya without a piece of bread. I didn’t want to divide things by the court or even equally. Whoever needed it most would take it-it seemed like the right thing to do. Yes, I used to drive an SUV, but I didn’t need such a big car; I would make do with an old sedan. I remember going to buy my ex-husband a microwave oven. The only thing I didn’t take into account was that I had become an ex-wife. Or rather, just an ex-wife. No one at all.
I called, he didn’t answer the phone. I came over, he didn’t answer the door. I wrote text messages and e-mails, but there was no answer. We lived five minutes away from each other – I had to rent an apartment next to Cousin’s school – and the kid hadn’t seen his father in six months. Then we bumped into each other at the store, and he told me that he had finally filed for divorce, and that he had lost the power of attorney for his Jeep-perhaps I had it lying around. I asked him if he wanted to take Kuzya for the weekend. He said his cat had kittens and needed to vacuum. I realized that Kuzya was now an ex, too. I went to my rented apartment, sat down on the floor and started crying. After an hour my friend Olya came, lifted me up from the floor, wiped away the puddle of tears and poured tea. I saw the tea and sobbed again with renewed vigor. Gritting my teeth against the cup, I kept saying, “Olya, what about the potato cakes?” My friend was puzzled by my impudence: she rushed at the first call, or rather, sms “I can’t get up,” and I demanded sweets, and promised to bring a whole cake next time. “No, you don’t understand,” I said, “he used to buy me potato cakes! So why is he acting like this now?” When we first got married, my husband used to pick me up from work on the subway every night. He would stand in the wrong place, at the exit door. The wind was blowing, my husband was sometimes harassed by over-indulged passengers, and I worked late into the hour when there were hardly any sober people on the subway, but he came anyway. And he would bring me potato cakes. Every time he’d say, “I’ve got a surprise for you,” and he’d take out a pastry. We didn’t have a Jeep back then, no power of attorney. We didn’t even have Coozie yet. And it was that time, the “brownie,” the happy time, that I remember best. And I’m bitter that he forgot.
Stranger in the mirror Well, enough about my personal life. I think every broken-up couple has a dozen of these “potatoes.” Few people walk into a registry office thinking about divorce and who gets a toaster and six acres in Lipovy Township. We blow on bruises and treat late-night chicken pox. We make tea and iron shirts. We fill out visa forms and sculpt fridge magnets. Finally, we have children, look for each other’s traits in them, and rejoice if they are found. Marriage may not work. It happens (according to some reports, as much as 60 percent of the time). But all those years or even months we spend together are life, ours, the only one. We don’t become exes after divorce. We remain who we are. Our lives have been filled all these years with different events, emotions, experiences, windfalls and magnets. She made us who we are today. If it weren’t for her, we would be seeing a stranger in the mirror right now. She cannot be crossed out, she cannot be abandoned. And, whether we like it or not, an ex-spouse is part of that life. And therefore a part of you. He’s not an ex – he’s just a man.