Why is he silent if he loves. When a man is silent, Therapeutic Reflections – Gestalt Club. He doesn’t speak during an argument.
It’s similar here. He doesn’t talk because he has nothing to say. Your topics don’t interest him. All this (from his point of view) is vanity. This does not mean he is indifferent to you. It’s just that his mind is on other topics right now.
Men think carefully and globally, but it’s hard for them to think carefully and globally in several streams at once
. They can not, as women, to solve several questions at once: what school to send the child, and make a menu for the week, and count the amount of bonus on the completed project. Only one thing at a time.
So if your husband is somewhere far away in his thoughts right now, he can’t switch. Physically. That is, in fact, he just can’t hear you. He has to make an effort to hear. It is possible that he does not want to make this effort. Because he has not finished his own idea.
Reason 2. You talk all the time.
No offense. How can he say something if you don’t give him the opportunity
They say this is a purely feminine folk fun: she came up with her own, she was offended, she came to her senses, herself – well done.
So you talk, talk, talk.
Maybe, of course, you sometimes insert your speech questions to him. And he makes an effort over himself, which was not in the first point. So his mind begins to process your request. Input. Task Statement. Now it’s going to process the task….
And then – bang! You are already continuing the conversation. And, continue with the words: “Well, you’re silent again!”
No, men are not slow thinkers. They’re thorough. And this, by the way, is good! You yourself want the man was not frivolous. “Men are slower to get up to speed. They need more time to “turn on” in the dialogue.
Reason 3. Laziness.
Honestly, I’m not making this up. This is a perfectly normal excuse for a man not to participate in the conversation. Because he’s used to the fact that you’re going to talk-talk-talk-talk, and you’re going to make something up on your own.
“Honey, why are you so late? You got held up at work, right? And why are you drunk? It’s a coworker’s birthday, right? And why are you wearing lipstick?” – “Honey, you’re the smart one, you think of something yourself!”
It’s a matter of habit. Consider it a manifestation of extreme trust in you.
Reason 4. He does not know what to say.
Up to this point I’ve described to you simple enough situations. But it happens that you are having a serious conversation, behave carefully. You take long pauses for him to think about it. But he’s still not talking.
Do you know what “male pride” is? There are beautiful terms about “manhood,” but we won’t get into the complicated stuff.
Let’s keep it simple. A man doesn’t ask for directions. A man looks for his own. Similarly: A man doesn’t say, “I don’t know.”
He may look for the answer and not find it.
But he won’t tell you out loud.
You don’t want to play on someone else’s pride.
Reason 5. He’s hiding something.
Yes, this also happens.
What do you do when a man doesn’t talk?
Let’s look at a typical situation, your man suddenly doesn’t show up: doesn’t write, doesn’t call, as if he has fallen through the earth. I know some women who remain calm in this situation, there are two of them – these women. The others, regardless of their age, awaken Baby, the collective image of a girl who tends to ask, with her eyes full of tears close to your face and grabbing you by the button: “Tell me, why do you think he is silent? HE LEFT ME? AND WHAT TO DO?” I was answered this question by a young man who had a counter question – why do women panic in these cases? He genuinely didn’t understand it. And this misunderstanding, as I understand it, is peculiar to them, in general.
Here, with his permission, is our correspondence:
Him: Why can’t women just sit down, turn off your brain and wait quietly in peace in silence, and not try to think for a man?
Me: There is no button on the brain.
Consider a typical situation, your man suddenly doesn’t show up: doesn’t write, doesn’t call, seems to have fallen through the cracks. I know some women who remain calm in this situation, there are two of them – these women. The others, regardless of their age, awaken Baby, the collective image of a girl who tends to ask, with her eyes full of tears close to your face and grabbing you by the button: “Tell me, why do you think he is silent? HE LEFT ME? AND WHAT TO DO?”
I was answered this question by a young man who had a counter question – why do women panic in these cases? He genuinely didn’t understand it. And this misunderstanding, I understand, is peculiar to them, by and large.
He: Well, to jam with emergency methods or always?
Me: It’s enough to text, but then you tell me, what does a man think when he disappears from a woman’s sight? Does he think that everything is okay?
Him: Generally speaking, yes. If he behaves normally when disappearing from this very field, if he says goodbye normally, if nothing portends trouble, and in general there are many more “ifs”, then yes. If you’re fine, and you’re sure that she should be fine too, why worry?
Me: Women are waves, like water. They go in and out. They feel fickle. They feel insecure if you are gone for a long time and there is no news. What could be going on inside of you at that time? What if you decide to fall out of love with us? What if you no longer feel anything, or have a crush on someone else? What if you have forgotten us? It is very difficult to wait in the unknown. For a woman, suspense is a lack of reinforcement. How about you?
Him: We just believe that if something happens inside you during the time when you do not see us, then either we can clear it all up … Or comes confidence that it would happen anyway, sooner or later … But I do not understand, for example, why women panic before time and prepare yourself in advance to fight … Why fight with a man about what has not happened and was not going to happen, reproaching him that he himself must understand everything …
Read also: “Margin,” “graffiti,” “focus”: words you may be pronouncing wrong
Me: Women have a lot going on inside. With men, it’s outside. As long as she hasn’t heard from you, she’s living a whole story with a bad ending. A woman herself would never do that – she wouldn’t keep quiet, for example, it’s in her nature. She should be concerned about how her loved ones are feeling – otherwise she just won’t raise children, it’s an instinct. We really don’t understand why you don’t understand that we can’t be left alone for long. I mean, without attention. Anyway, it’s all wrong for a woman. She’s always waiting. She needs at least one confirmation during that time that everything is okay with his attitude toward her.
Him: It’s selfish… As ridiculous as it may sound, but sometimes it seems to me that we think more about you than you do about us…. A man tries to understand a woman, tries to analyze the situation from both sides at once, but he doesn’t always succeed because of a woman’s fickleness. You can give us a discount, knowing that we think differently!
In short, girls, they don’t get it. Whoever is more flexible learns the rules of the game. A man who is very busy at work and very busy in general will not just text or call, his head is full of other things. He can be taught to send emoticons, I even know one such man who at 40 years and a third marriage, finally learned how to do it: once a day, consistently sends a text message – how are you? And his woman invariably responds with a little chirp, and her mood, no doubt, improves.
Usually men do business or something else for a while, plunged into it with his head, and when then, come to his senses, they call, they hear with bewilderment a distorted voice from rage or tears – you completely forgot me! Well, some girls themselves still write text messages trying to get a man out of his activities and out of the man – some emotions, but the man is poorly extracted, and the answers come strange, and the calls, sometimes even reset. They have meetings there sometimes, business of some kind, and since the thinking is single-channel and not multichannel like we do, they think about business in the meeting, yes. Strange as it may seem. With me and the women I knew, most of the time the men were perpetually busy, very busy. And so a brilliant friend of mine once said the following line, “What do you want him to do? Do you want him to quit his job, build a fucking hut, and call out to you from there every now and then?” I imagined this picture and almost died laughing.
So, the “why” is kind of answered. He’s silent because he has nothing to say about the current situation, he has brokers or contractors or contractors eating his brain. Your text message “Sweetheart, how are you?” he will see, but do not understand, look wild eyes and respond only in the evening, vaguely feeling guilty. But to “What to do” ingeniously answered one little boy of five. He was concentrating on building a city out of the cubes, and his mother came into the room, stopped and silently watched. The boy looked up and said: “Mom, you go… Shape something.” Indeed – let’s go do something.
Directed by Alexei Pimanov (“The Man in My Head,” “Crimea,” “The Hunt for Beria,” “Alexander’s Garden,” “Kremlin 9”).
In the team of the film:
- Screenplay: Oleg Presnyakov (“Playing the Victim”), Vladimir Presnyakov (“Bed Scenes”);
- Cameraman: Maxim Shinkorenko (“Kalashnikov”, “New Year Tariff”, “Catherine. Impostors”);
- Artists: Ilya Mandrichenko (“Pennsylvania”), Tatyana Ubeyvolk (“Bloody Mary”).
Location: Moscow / Kaluga Region, Oreshkovo airfield / London / St. Petersburg.
You have nothing to talk about
Very often silence comes into a relationship where the man and woman have nothing to say.
If sex happens much less often, and communication boils down to “hello-bye” and “buy tomatoes, pasta, toilet paper,” you have a problem.
The man uses the tactic of silence when he gets nagged or picked on at home.
He does not want to get a negative reaction – so he just keeps quiet (by the way, this is the same reason men lie). Then it’s an excuse to sit down and finally talk about what’s going on and how you feel about your relationship.
This silence can be the point of no return, when there is nothing left to fix.
The foundation of a strong long-term relationship is the emotional closeness and . And you have to work on yourself and the relationship to keep them going. There’s no way.
I believe in you, Yaroslav Samoilov. How to understand a man – the psychology of men. Features of behavior of men in love – how to recognize body language signals. Phrases that no representative of the stronger sex will say out loud.
What is on the man’s mind? How can you understand his aspirations and goals? What happens in his head when he is silent? And the average man very rarely voices his thoughts aloud, and in contrast to the fair sex, who are happy to discuss everything in the world over a cup of coffee, men are much more isolated. But such a silence does not cause any particular reaction from a woman, just as long as something does not concern her personally.
How do you react to his silence
Usually you begin to climb into your head the darkest thoughts: “He does not love me, going to leave me, found a mistress. Of course, it’s easier to imagine all the worst. After all, a woman herself is silent only in two cases: when afraid to hurt the other person’s denial, or when she does not want to have anything more to do with the man. Which is basically the same thing…
Have you got your head screwed on straight? Exhale and learn your lesson: if a man has a problem or conflict in front of him, he needs to calm down and think about the situation. And because he can not do two things at once (think and talk), so he keeps silent, because the vocal apparatus at the time of thinking he turned off. Fortune-telling with chamomile and coffee grounds will brighten up your anticipation. You can play solitaire and reread the compatibility of the zodiac signs. Basically, catch some zen.
What the face says.
Everything you need to know about a man is written on his face. If a man is often experiencing any emotions – he will have a characteristic facial wrinkles. Experienced women by facial wrinkles can even determine the greedy men, vulnerable and impressionable.
In addition to the look, a man’s face can express dozens of emotions that can only be understood with theoretical knowledge or rich experience with the opposite sex. Even a smile, in fact, can be very deceptive. Therefore, the face should be paid special attention and should be considered as a whole.
Facial expressions can tell a lot about
The psychologist’s secret
To determine the degree of sincerity of a smile we can use one not very popular, but very interesting and effective method. For example, when a man smiles, it is necessary to focus your attention separately on his smile, and separately on his gaze. If the emotions that are expressed with his eyes and a smile are the same – then all is well. If they are in a certain dissonance, it is worth considering.
In the case of the face we should be especially careful, because the most serious emotions are expressed literally in fractions of a second.
The main secret
Many people (not only women, but men as well) do not know the main thing – the most significant factor of good dating for a relationship is territorial proximity. If people work or live together or take photography courses, the chances that they will get to know each other and develop a relationship are much higher than in all other cases.
Why is this so? Because there is time to get to know each other during their time together. During this time, people find themselves in several different situations, and it is already better to see who is worth what. There are far fewer of these situations, as described above.
Consequently, the choice is smarter. Therefore I strongly recommend to look not for specific men, but for places where both women and men are engaged in some activity together and side by side.
To summarize. All I want to say is: dear young ladies, if you complain about the lack of men in your life, look closely – how and whom you choose. And – if you can – give a chance to those men who once didn’t interest you.
Take a closer look at them – a man’s reticence, difficulty in getting to know you, inability to entertain you with small talk does not tell you what kind of husband he will be. Many intelligent men do not know how to court – affected by the lack of experience and some timidity in front of a woman’s rejection. But giving such a man a chance, you may well live with him happily ever after.
And I’m done, thank you for your attention.
Tags: women – life – interesting – men – relationships – psychology
- Roman Kurtsyn (“Balkan Frontier”, “Belovodie. The Mystery of the Lost Country”);
- Makar Zaporozhsky (“Molodezhka”, “Through My Eyes”);
- Pavel Trubiner (“Sky in the Fire,” “Black Cats”);
Men are not emotional.
Don’t resent a man if he doesn’t talk every day about your attractiveness. Many men are raised to be reserved and are used to keeping their emotions in check. Even if they overwhelm them. Do not be offended if a man has not noticed your new dress, your new hairstyle. They themselves draw his attention to changes in appearance and ask how he likes it. And certainly do not freak out if the man’s answer is true and he will criticize you. Do not keep a man on short . Do not control him all the time: where he went, where he spent the extra money, why he did so and not otherwise. The shorter the leash, the stronger the desire to get rid of him.
Men need a certain freedom of action and movement, the freedom to make their own decisions, the freedom to dispose of some money.
The man you love is silent.
The worst thing for any partner is when the person he loves is silent. At such moments there is no understanding of what he is thinking and how to act in this situation. It is considered that when the man is silent it means that he has nothing to say, because the woman shows her resentment through silence.
Actually both partners resort to meaningful silence equally when they want to show how upset they are. This is one of the most destructive tactics, because it is very difficult to understand a loved one if he is silent. The silent person demonstrates that they are offended and alone enjoys the other person’s powerlessness, expecting them to repent, but instead they encounter reciprocal silence or ignorance. As a result, the problem is not solved, but instead is exacerbated.
How Silence Works
When a loved one is silent, it is considered a covert way of punishment. Silence works effectively in relation to people in the inner circle, primarily partners. The “silent person” does not seem to make any claims, but the person with whom silence is played begins to gnaw himself, going over all his faults. He declares “war” on everything he believed to be true, and wants to rehabilitate himself-though exactly what his crime is, he is not told.
Psychology interprets why a loved one keeps silent after a quarrel as follows: he needs time to cool down and come to his senses.
Why is silence has such power? Surely many people remember how angry parents were silent in response to their claims. But children are not silent on purpose. Usually they are really ashamed or do not know what to say. What is the reason for the adults’ resentment?
The human psyche is organized in such a way that if we ask a question or simply address someone but do not get an answer, the brain automatically identifies this situation as dangerous. Uncertainty arises, which leads to anxiety or anger. This is why silence is considered one of the most dangerous weapons against boorish people. The offender expects a response, but he is shown that he is nothing more than empty space. At first, this causes even more irritation, and then deprives you of power.
Silence helps not only to protect oneself, but also to get what one wants. Left unanswered, people fall into a huge space of negative fantasies and start looking for an answer to the question “how to make things work?” It doesn’t take long before the victim, exhausted by their own experiences and ready to play by other people’s rules, goes to ask for forgiveness.
The manipulator’s goals
There are people who are withdrawn by nature, but even they will not ignore questions. If a person defiantly avoids communication and pretends not to hear you when you start a conversation, he is pursuing some goals.
The main goal of the manipulator is to force the partner to make concessions. Very often women shut up with an unhappy look when they want to buy something, but it is not met with approval. Hearing in response “we do not earn so much,” the lovely person in a fading voice says “I understand everything” and with an expression of universal sorrow retreats into herself. Naturally, the loving person feels guilty and agrees to the purchase, but runs into a “heartbreaking” rejection. After that, he begins to blame himself even more. As a result, he has to talk him into buying something he didn’t want to buy. The woman refuses for a while, but then she agrees. The goal is achieved: the manipulator gets what he wants, and if his partner ever mentions the money spent, he can be reminded that the purchase was made on his initiative.
The manipulator almost always removes himself from negotiations. Instead of talking and resolving some issue, he prefers to expose himself as an offended person. Silence, however, is not always a subtly planned provocation. Most manipulators actually feel offended when they shut up.
What is the meaning of silence? Sometimes a loved one is silent and thus demonstrates to loved ones who is in charge in the family. After all, if someone allows himself the luxury of ignoring the one who is addressed to him, unconsciously he is perceived as a person with a stronger position. This type of silence is passive aggression that throws the victim off-balance and makes her worry. The loved one begins to remain silent, usually without warning. The person does not even know what exactly his partner wants to show him by his silence, but is ready to do anything in order to make him talk.
For whatever reason, the game of silence deprives the partners of the opportunity to express their opinion, because only the one who started it remains right. The painful punishment ends when the “guilty party” apologizes or gives in to the demands.
What to do or how to break the game of silence
It is very difficult to endure when a loved one is silent, as the air becomes tense and the soul is filled with guilt. This is why a person who is ignored tends to give in quickly, just to make it all stop. The essence of all manipulation is to benefit only one person. The algorithm for counteraction is simple – do not play by the manipulator’s rules, but offer a healthy relationship without self-inflicted feelings.
What to do in such a situation? The most civilized way to break the silence is to ask the “silent man” what happened, tell him how you feel, assure him that you are willing to listen, ask for forgiveness.
Sometimes a technique that works is to say the following: “Stop ignoring me and talk to me. It is difficult for both of us to be in this atmosphere. When the person comes out in a dialogue, you can try to discuss the problem. Most likely through a conflict, but already open, where everyone gets the right to vote. If the partner wants to remain silent, give him the right. Perhaps as soon as you go about your business, he will talk to you himself.
Manipulation always involves two people. That is, the game of silence is fruitful only as long as you play it. Manipulator is quietly waiting for him to start begging for forgiveness. If this does not happen, he moves the conflict into an active phase. If he does not come out in some acceptable time for you to engage in a dialogue, it is worth asking yourself: “Are you ready to continue the relationship with this person?” How do you get rid of guilt? If you show ignorance, emphasize to yourself that manipulation is used against you. That’s how you’ll turn the situation from uncertain to definite. When the brain gets answers to the questions it cares about, rage and anxiety, the emotions that arise in response to not understanding what’s going on, disappear.
A loved one may be silent when resentment is stifling and one does not want to be insulted. A brief silence can really work as a switch. Then a fight can be avoided. However, not talking for several days means to aggravate the conflict and allow the partner to recall in detail all your shortcomings.
So, the loved one is silent in two cases: when there was a quarrel or he needs to be alone with himself, because it is his favorite state.
Author : Practical psychologist Vedmesh N.A.
Speaker of the Medical-Psychological Center “PsychoMed”.