A man after a divorce: how to build a new relationship
Women often have the impression that men after their first marriage are afraid to enter into a new relationship. However, statistics show that 65% of men remarry within 5 years after divorce, and the rest just need more time – from 5 to 20 years. And new marriages usually work out much better than previous marriages.
In this article we will consider the psychology of a man after divorce, whether he needs a new relationship, how to win him over, what to consider when communicating, what you need to be prepared for in a relationship
Psychology and life of a man after divorce
Society is more loyal to divorced men than to women who find themselves in the same situation. Often the “experienced” are considered more attractive to create a family than guys who have never visited the registry office. However, it’s not all that simple: in a relationship with a divorced man, there are virtues as well as serious drawbacks that can interfere with family happiness.
In the first months after divorce
In most cases, a man is not ready for a new serious relationship right after divorce. He needs time to rethink his life, the current situation, to analyze his previous marriage, to move on from the breakup and the divorce process. However, this does not prevent him to make short-term contacts, because you want to feel desirable and attractive again. Flingy novels help to regain lost self-esteem, to get sexual satisfaction, to feel the drive. For each guy, this period may have a different duration: from a few days to a few months.
To make it easier to find girls for a couple of nights, men often hide their divorce: the presence of an ex-spouse and children can scare women away. Others, on the contrary, brag about their free status, but do not hide that they do not want a repeat of history. During this period, it is difficult to build a strong relationship with a divorced man, because he is not yet ready for it. The best way to protect yourself from disappointment is to postpone building a relationship and intimacy in particular.
Characteristics of divorced men
When a man is alone after a divorce, he goes through several stages, during which his perspective on the reestablishment of the family changes. And after a while, he begins to long for home comfort, stable relationships, etc. At this point, it is best to have an affair with him: the probability that the relationship will lead to marriage is very high. However, it is necessary to take into account that past experiences impose their own imprint.
Men after divorce have some peculiarities :
- Clearer requirements for a future spouse. In the first marriage often enter thoughtlessly, without fully understanding what it means, what difficulties lie ahead, what qualities of character are needed to build a family. By the second marriage man is already clearly understand what kind of companion wants to see by his side. Often the second spouse has higher requirements than the first.
- Experience of a common household. Household life is often a stumbling block in matters of common life, but an experienced man knows about most problems and understands how to avoid them.
- A lot of experience with the female sex. Men who have been married, feel more free in the company of ladies, they are usually gallant gentlemen who easily find common ground with your girlfriends and relatives.
- A divorced man knows women, so he is unlikely to do crazy things, but he will always find an interesting thing to do together that will help you get closer.
- The second marriage is always a serious and considered step. Therefore, the man treats it more carefully, without forcing the events.
- If those who have been married, there is a desire to start a family again, it is usually stronger and more stable than that of single guys.
These characteristics should be considered when building a relationship with a divorced man.
Pros and cons of divorced men
A relationship with an experienced partner has its positives and negatives.
The main pros :
- You can safely have an affair with him, as he is free;
- If you appear in his life at a time when a divorced man is homesick for his family, he will consider his lady ideal, and this attitude will remain for a long time;
- when entering into a second marriage, the man is more attentive, serious, thoughtful, it will not be an act of “it just happened”;
- if a man proposes, he is set up for a long and serious relationship;
- the man after the divorce is active sexually, trying to make intimate life more diverse;
- there is experience in managing a joint household and family budget: a man with experience in family relationships is usually well aware of the needs and expenses of the family;
- a man understands a woman well: her needs, hints, manners, he knows when to be quiet and just listen, and when help is needed in word or deed.
Unfortunately, the past life imposes and negative imprint: from the previous marriage can stretch problems that are not as easy to handle, as it seems at first glance.
The main disadvantages :
- There are topics or certain forbidden words/phrases, the mention of which can hurt, cause unpleasant memories, associations, etc.;
- Comparisons with an ex, conscious or subconscious, but they are bound to happen;
- there is a risk that the man will want to restore the previous marriage, so you need to be vigilant;
- possible meetings with the ex-wife, the need for communication, for example, because of the children;
- the man’s relatives are wary, they may not trust the new wife and say things like “this one is the same/it won’t work out again” and so on;
- Relations with the children from the first marriage may not work out: they are not always happy about their father’s new wife, they try to take revenge for their mother, to win the attention of their father from their new wife, etc;
- Higher demands for a new wife;
- fear of repeating past mistakes, unworked experience.
These features appear not only in those who have officially registered marriage in the registry office, have children, but also just lived with a woman for 2-3 years or more, without registration of relations.
Types of divorced men
Each person is affected by the dissolution of marriage in its own way, but the main reactions to stress after a divorce in men are similar.
Conventionally, we can distinguish 6 types of behavior :
- From extreme to extreme. In fact, this man misses family life, he felt quite comfortable in it, so the divorce was a strong experience for him. Because of this, he then turns into a misogynist, does not allow himself any representative of the fair sex, then plunges into the wildest dreams and throws himself into the arms of the first woman he meets. Lady who plans to tie his future with him, you need to be better than the former, at least in significant aspects for the future spouse, to be able to close the void formed, to become a reliable and faithful friend.
- In pursuit of pleasure. The priority of this type – a life of pleasure, these men do not want and will not limit themselves in anything. The same applies to relationships: change the ladies like gloves or meet with several at once, keep freedom and enjoy it – it’s all about them. To get such a divorced man, you will have to try hard, you will need patience and endurance. However, no one will guarantee that the resources invested will bear fruit. It is likely that expectations will not be met.
- No remarriages. A small percentage of divorced men are never going to build a serious relationship again, they run from women like fire. Most of all, they are scared off by the slightest hint of marriage. There is practically no hope of a successful romance.
- My children are my everything. Quite a rare type of men: even after a divorce, they are ready to give and give the lion’s share of their time, attention and money to the children from their previous marriage. At the same time, they try not to neglect the new family either. The most important thing here for a man is his attitude towards his children. It is important not to be jealous or show disrespect to the previous family. You need to be friends with children from his first marriage, allow them to be, and sometimes sleep at home, take in the new family. If a man of this type will see that you love not only him but his children too, he will be happy and will not hesitate to propose his hand in marriage.
- Lost track of life. For some members of the stronger sex, divorce can be a big blow. They take a long time to come to their senses, do not know how to go on living, why to do something, fall into dejection and despair, so they quickly become addicted to bad habits. With a man of this type need to be careful, gentle and accurate. His wounds will have to heal in the truest sense. But at the same time you can not encourage his bad tendencies: a love for alcohol, cigarettes or other ways to forget.
- Disillusioned with women. He will retaliate against the entire female species, taking revenge on his girlfriends. Will siphon off strength, money, humiliate, despise. Over time, such a man will turn into a domestic tyrant. Do not mess with this type of men at least out of a sense of security: save and remake it is unlikely to work, but the psychological problems can not be avoided exactly.
Do I need to build a relationship with a divorced man.
Is it worth it to start a relationship with a divorced man, every woman decides for itself. In most cases, they turn out to be quite good and reliable family man.
On average, men are ready to remarry in 2 years: so much time they need to survive and work off the experience of the past family life, to believe in themselves again and find new benchmarks. Of course, there are exceptions: some need a couple of months, others – 10 years. In any case, you should not rush the gentleman with the remarriage, you need to give him time to enjoy freedom and miss the comfort of home.
But even with a positive set of circumstances should be taken into account that :
- his feelings and experiences will always come first;
- He can date more than just you;
- he needs more time to readjust and accept the new reality;
- The man is more vulnerable psychologically, morally, so he needs help and support.
Do you need these problems, how much they are critical – in each case it is all individual.
How to behave with a divorced man and what to expect
New relationships in divorced men can be happy and be long, strong. However, a woman will have to be careful and cautious, especially in the first period after dating.
Psychologists advise to follow these rules of communication with a divorced man:
- Show patience. No need to force the events, rush a man with the wedding, etc. Give it to himself to “mature”, and if you push, it is extremely soft and unobtrusive, that the elected one did not understand what it was all about, and sincerely considered the decision to own.
- Be calm. There is no need to fuss, to try to please everyone and to show excessive joy. Such behavior stresses men, they think that the woman is trying to bind him to herself or will use her good attitude to manipulate. Everything should be in moderation.
- Do not insist on stories about past relationships. Man himself must decide what to tell, how to devote a new favorite to the twists and turns of his past life. Excessive curiosity will only cause irritation and resentment.
- The ex-wife should be an ex. Often men after a divorce feel responsible for the woman left behind, trying to help her, solve her problems, etc. Such behavior should not be encouraged, otherwise there is a risk that the man will return to the previous family.
- Do not forbid to see the children. A man is truly responsible for his offspring, and no one but the court has the right to forbid a father to see his child. You should also try to treat your children loyally, even if they stay with you.
- Prevent projection. Do not be shy to remind the man that you are not his ex, that you and she are two different women who have nothing in common, so there is no need to transfer the wrongs of the last marriage.
- Don’t be jealous of the past. What was, is gone, let it stay there.
- Forbid you to speak ill of your first wife. Such nasty behavior should be stopped immediately. This is a wake-up call. If a man allows himself bad language about his ex, it speaks volumes about him as a man with weak moral principles. If something happens, he will throw mud at you in the same way.
Special difficulties in how to communicate with a divorced man, there is no. You just need to be careful and try not to hurt his feelings, but clearly distinguish between the past and the current marriage.
Most men are not afraid of a new relationship after divorce, they just need time. Yes, they will try to protect themselves, they will approach the choice of a new life partner more cautiously. But here experience will serve everyone well: the man will not make a mistake and will find the partner that really suits him. And then he will treat her tenderly and reverently, because he knows the price. And the woman will only have to believe and support her chosen one.
How a man behaves after a divorce: what psychology says
The dissolution of a marriage is a real ordeal for both spouses. Women and men experience the stress differently after a divorce. The psychology of the beautiful half of humanity is such that they tend to share their emotions with their loved ones. Therefore, it seems that the stress is stronger than the male. But it is not. For some reason that society is forced to endure their suffering silently, the stronger sex hides deep inside of his experiences, because of which the recovery period often lasts longer than a woman.
The decision to divorce
Despite the fact that the desire to legitimize the relationship more often in women, they also have the primacy and the decision to divorce. It is typical for men to carefully consider the situation, and only then “burn all bridges”. Therefore, they often know where and with whom they will live next. If the reason for the divorce was a man’s infidelity, it is not uncommon for them to go to their new partner. A woman can experience a real shock, even if she herself is the initiator of the divorce. The most difficult time for her – it is experiencing the first month. Then it gradually gets easier. But the specifics of male psychology is somewhat different.
Typical behavior of a man immediately after a divorce
Regardless of the character and behavior in the marriage, often after a divorce, a man begins to revel in the freedom he got. Depression, lyrical memories and other consequences of what happened he ignores and does not seem to suffer. From the outside it seems that he does not care about the divorce.
For a while he may be in euphoria and anticipation of new acquaintances and numerous sexual encounters. He starts dating 2, 3, 8, or more women to feel the forgotten novelty again. Of course, sex with his wife and new partners is strikingly different. But gradually he may feel that along with the desired pleasures, which in fact may not be so great, temporary companions as well, frustrating and disappointing. They turn out to be less caring, tactful and, of course, faithful.
Freedom is often realized not only through women, but also through alcohol, food, gambling and other such “entertainment”. It is very difficult to resist these temptations. Therefore, the apartment may soon be filled with a lot of empty beer bottles and other “attributes” of bachelor life. There will be scattered things everywhere, and food will have to be ordered from home. It turns out that it takes a lot of time to wash and iron laundry, keep the house clean and cook food. It requires quite a bit of skill, for which even a month will not be enough. In general, living after a divorce is not easy for someone who was already married and experienced woman’s care. And the influx of wilderness can end in alcoholism.
Feelings after divorce: the second stage
In order to interest unfamiliar women, it may take a lot of effort and stress. You need to be interesting, be able to seduce, give pleasure and not be seen as a boring partner. An intimate relationship without emotion and affection quickly tires you out. Then a man after a divorce after a while seeks a lasting relationship again. He feels the need to be appreciated, loved and supported in times of need.
It seemed before bright and full of life, in fact turns out to be empty, and happiness, why that does not bring.
Therefore, after 4, 6, 8 months, a year, or after two years since the divorce, men have a decline in sexual activity. Some even reject the beautiful women who offer them sex.
A divorced guy can feel confused, lonely, depressed, and disinterested in his work. Even at the age of 30 this can be accompanied by sexual frustration. Only when the crisis peaks, the man may come to see a psychologist.
In psychology, there is even a term “17-month syndrome,” which does not necessarily occur after 17 months. It can happen after eight or nine months, for example. At this time, the strongest experienced disappointment in the bachelor life. This is when a man feels longing for his former spouse after a divorce. Memories come back of how good it was in the family. It happens that in such moments he comes back.
Of course, this is not always the case. Breakups happen for a variety of reasons. Some of them make further relationships impossible. But more than half of men remarry within 5 to 8 years after the breakup. And most, though not sorry about the divorce from his wife, and do not intend to return, but continue to believe that she was the best.
How to live after divorce
As you can see, a man after a divorce is not going through the easiest of times. Therefore, it is very important at this time not to rush from extreme to extreme. Indiscriminate sexual relations, alcohol abuse quickly deplete him. To survive the divorce from his wife with dignity, he needs to make plans, strive for new goals and make efforts to achieve them. A career, a new hobby, sports and a lot of other interesting things will help in filling the gaping void.
In the stages of crisis, regardless of whether he is 30, 40 or 50, instead of cravings that devastate a man, the best way to recover from a divorce is to work. It will not impede his rehabilitation as much as other ways of forgetting. But there has to be a measure in this as well.
He may forget about the eight-hour work day and get so much into work that he will ignore his inner emptiness, set for himself unrealizable goals, where it takes not twenty-four, but thirty-eight hours a day. As a result, there will be a feeling of inability to implement plans.
This behavior is typical for men after a divorce, if his former spouse demanded too much. And he had accumulated anger, which never came out. Then the man begins to demand a lot from himself. He internally resembles his ex-wife. Then the very difficult goals will require tremendous effort, which will not leave a single free minute.
But the man after a divorce must soberly assess themselves, so that among the many women to find his new love, which will love him and support. If you do not, he will drive himself into a meaningless corner. It may seem that without a relationship, it will be much easier to make plans. Of course, before he starts them, he must clearly know how to live his life. But it is not at all necessary not to allow another woman into his life until a new goal is taken. Ideally, his life path should be balanced, so that there are eight hours for work and hours for love.
It’s hard to say definitively how much time a man needs after a divorce. Recuperate as much as necessary. It is better to try to bring calm into your life, to engage in introspection, to deal with the causes that managed to divorce the spouses. It is necessary to adequately assess their contribution and errors in the relationship. Then it will be taken into account in a future love affair. Otherwise, everything can be repeated with another woman.
The psychology of men and women may be the same after a divorce. For example, they begin to accuse each other of what happened and almost smear each other with mud. Then the man concludes that the spouse was not suitable for him. So he thinks it is good that they divorced. But, although the man after a divorce and are inherent such conclusions, they are wrong and harmful. It is known in psychology that in this way they try to shift the burden of responsibility on each other. Then not having solved the problems in one relationship, people transfer them to other relationships.
In addition to the typical behavior of how men behave after a divorce, it is usually common for them to easily forget past relationships, but not to forgive. In this case, and in other relationships will be intolerant.
Learning to say “goodbye.”
Even if the fault of the breakup lies with the ex-spouse, it is not necessary to take revenge on her. To start from scratch a new life with another woman, it is important to properly say goodbye to your ex-wife. But that doesn’t mean unloving her. Do not necessarily go into a state of hatred or indifference to the one with whom they were connected a lot. You can try to stay in a friendly relationship. Then it is much easier to let a new love into your life.