A 2 year old child fighting: point by point.

The child doesn’t listen, fights, has temper tantrums, and he is only 2 years old, what measures to take and what to do? Advice from psychologists and experienced mothers

The psychology of the child

Many mothers on maternity leave are familiar with the situation when a two-year-old child does not listen, is capricious, refuses to comply with the requests of his parents. Sometimes disobedience takes the form of tantrums. Babies fall on the floor, waving their arms and legs, screaming, as they say, not in their own voice. Adults just don’t know what to do with a rampaging tomboy, and how to stop these fits of defiance.

So, a child of 2 years does not listen – what to do?


In fact, the reason for tantrums is simple and clear. Children at the age of two years show their character and do not want to perform the actions to which they are forced.

The child only wants to do what he himself sees fit. If parents realize that they are not just dealing with a little man, but with a free individual who has his own interests, thoughts and desires, it will be much easier to prevent conflict.

Children are great manipulators. Tantrums and caprices are a way to control adults, so to speak, a kind of psychological technique to achieve a goal.

So to suppress and prevent situations in which the child from one to three years of age does not obey his parents, you should use the same psychological methods. Specialists in child psychology have developed models of adult behavior and ways to subdue children.

The rule of five “not allowed” or how to avoid mistakes

Before learning the rules of behavior with naughty children, you should familiarize yourself with the forbidden actions of parents.

You can not go to high tones . Shouting parents provokes even more irritability of the baby, which leads to increased anger of adults. And so in a circle, until the whole family will not come to a standstill of anger and despair. It is not necessary to break the psyche of yourself and your children, you need to take careful steps towards overcoming difficulties. If the baby does not listen, it is not a reason to scare him with loud shouts and scandals.

You can’t make up punishments. Children at the age of two years old find it difficult to realize what exactly he is being punished for. So such drastic measures can only make things worse. You can only eliminate the object of arguments.

  • if a child asks to play with a glass cup, put it in a cupboard;
  • When a child refuses to pick up toys, take them to the balcony;
  • Capricious baby in the store should stop taking them shopping.

Thus, and misconduct will not be unpunished, and the little man in two years will be aware of “what is good and what is bad.

You can not insult and humiliate the kids. As mentioned above, a child (even one who is only two years old) – this is first and foremost a person to whom you should show respect and understanding. Name-calling and hurtful comparisons from adults provoke children to behave in the same way with younger and weaker children in the future.

It is impossible to contradict each other. If one parent punished, and the other forgave, the cunning child will quickly learn to seek consolation and get out of the situation with a handy side. The result – the baby at the age of two listens to neither mom or dad.

To avoid such missteps coordinate their actions with each other.

You can’t have it out in front of other people. Remember? You don’t take dirt out of the house. So the problems with the baby should be solved away from prying eyes.

It happens that babies are capricious for no reason. The nervous system of children is very fragile and unstable. It sometimes malfunctions, manifesting itself in this way. All you have to do is just let your child cry. You’ll see, in half an hour everything will go back to normal. What should a mom do during this time? Show your baby that he is loved, needed, and most importantly, understood by his parents.

Even an adult needs support and encouragement, so what about a two-year-old baby?

The rule of five “always” or useful tips for parents

Often, the answer to the question of why a child of 2 years does not listen, is a feeling of permissiveness. Adults mistakenly believe that if they prohibit anything to their children, they will consider them bad parents. Kids, in turn, begin to mistakenly believe that they can do whatever they want. Proper actions by moms and dads will reduce the number of conflict situations.

    Always talk through the situation. The child needs to explain and tell everything in detail, thoroughly analyzing what the baby did wrong and what was good.

Some more useful tips from experienced moms

All of the following have been used by experienced mothers. According to them, these are the tips that helped them in their time to cope with the situation.

Distribute roles clearly

Often, parents make the mistake of putting their children on an equal footing with themselves. Remember, you’re an adult, so you’re in charge.

And the first thing to do is to stop being completely on the same level – be more persistent, show who’s boss here, that despite your strong friendship, you still need to be listened to.

Use the words “later” and “tomorrow.”

Learn to talk to your child. Most likely he will not be able to answer you clearly, and so far he will only yak and say “no” or “yes,” but your explanations and words can become key so that the child understands the problem and its solution.

So say the words “later”, “after”, “tomorrow” more often. If the child doesn’t want to do anything, ask the question “do you want to play now?” after an affirmative “yes,” continue:

“We’ll eat now, and then we’ll play later, okay?”

The same scheme should be used if the child does not want to go to sleep or leave the street. In general, it works in many similar situations. You should not expect results right away. Initially, the baby may start crying again if you tell him to do something he does not want to do. So when it is done, don’t forget to say:

“Here we go. We ate, now we’re going to play. Remember, I promised you.”

Learn to use a stern voice and code phrases

If the situation gets out of control, think of a code word that the child will later perceive as a signal to stop.

The basis for this is the word “enough. Pronounce it loudly, it will be effective if the child does not obey, fights, has a tantrum, etc.

When you feel the power of this word, invent a new one, for example, count up to three in such situations when he behaves inappropriately. Gradually the child will realize that when counting, he is acting inappropriately and needs to stop.

Get into your child’s position.

In order for your child to obey you more, you need to show that you understand him and his feelings. Try to use more words – you’re sad, aren’t you? Are you so hungry?

Say the words “I understand,” “I’d like to, too, but…”. Try to understand him, and to show him that you are with him, but not in a situation where you have to say, “You can’t.

Sit him down, take him aside, and explain how not to do it

If a child gets really excited and starts to behave badly, it’s worth trying to take the child aside and have an explanatory talk.

Teach your child to say “please”, “thank you. Teach to share what you have, if the child takes something of others. Teach not to take toys out of your hands, wait for the turn. This is very important for the future life of the baby and socialization in society. A child can say thank you by sending an air kiss, hugging or stroking.

Keep your promises

Another educational moment to show your child the cause-and-effect relationship. If the child doesn’t listen, say: hit like that again, and we’ll go home.

Keep your promises – after another hit, immediately collect your toys and leave. Do the same if the child, for example, throws sand.

If the threats will be empty – the child will immediately understand it.

If a child disobeys and fights at the age of 2, that’s a reason to sound the alarm. You can not sit idly by. Whims and fads must be suppressed. But it has to be done competently, without harm to the child’s psyche.

The baby at age two begins to build up stereotypes and behavioral patterns. With the easy hand of parents, everything can go in the opposite direction.

If adults are completely confused and do not know what to do if the child does not listen, you can resort to the help of specialists. Consultation with a family psychologist is not scary or embarrassing. The only thing that is truly important and valuable is the health of your own children.

How to wean a 2-3 year old child from fighting with parents and children in kindergarten: tips and advice from a psychologist

Every parent can be confronted with child aggression, aimed both at adults and peers. The previously benign child suddenly starts throwing toys, swings at his mother, bites his sister or beats the neighbor boy on the playground for a place in the sandbox. Any obstacle in his way causes anger, the child gets angry, shouts and tries to prove his case with his fists. How to act in such a situation? Why is the child fighting, how to direct it in a positive direction?

If a child begins to swing at their parents, you need to urgently find out the reason for the behavior and correct the situation

Taking away the panic

So, the adult is faced with the aggression of a child. To begin with, there is no need to panic. Experts say that manifestations of aggression in children are associated with the instinct of self-preservation. The baby fights not because of harm, this way out of it energy. The task of the parent is not to block its flow, but to direct it into another, more positive direction.

When we start to get angry back and scold a fighting kid, we make several mistakes at once. These are:

  1. the flow of energy in children is blocked, his emotions have no outlet;
  2. the adult sets the example that anger should be responded to by repeated anger.

As a result of improper parental behavior, children learn the lesson that adults are stronger, but that they can attack someone who is weaker. Often such children become the instigators of all fights, they fight in kindergarten and school. In the kindergarten group, they scratch and pinch the kids. It is not necessary to be surprised – such an example was shown to them by adults.

Literally all people are offended and angry. Adults can deal with their emotions, but children cannot. It is perfectly normal for anyone to experience negative feelings, including our children. There is no need to be afraid of feelings, but asking yourself a few questions would be helpful. Ask yourself: “What caused my child to experience such a storm of feelings, what is the reason?”, “How can I teach him to control his anger?”.

There are several motives that motivate a kid to use aggression in resolving an argument or defense. It’s worth figuring out which one fits yours, and then taking action.

Anger is a normal human reaction; you cannot forbid a child to experience such emotions

Dealing with the cause

  1. A lot of inhibitions. The baby is constrained by inhibitions and can’t naturally satisfy natural cognitive needs. Children cannot tell that it is important for them to be active, so they express their protest in the available ways – screaming, knocking, fierce resistance.
  2. Curiosity. The child fights, throws objects, yells, calls names to see the parents’ reaction. For example, a toddler of a year and a half learns this way about the world and adults’ reactions to their actions.
  3. Jealousy. A child’s jealousy of someone may be expressed through fighting and aggression toward a “rival. This is how the struggle for the attention of the mother, father or caregiver is expressed.
  4. Fatigue. Young children become emotionally aroused more quickly than adults. A great emotional burden leads to an aggressive discharge; the child has no other way to express his or her weariness. His behavior does not indicate that he does not listen (we recommend reading: what to do if a child at 2 years does not listen to parents according to Komarovsky?).
  5. Idleness. From boredom, the child may look for entertainment, he can not occupy himself. For example, a two-year-old karapuz does not know how to play independently, he is looking for entertainment.
  6. Example of the family. Authoritarian behavior in the family is copied by children quickly and on an unconscious level. If parents use an unconstructive way to solve problems, the child becomes accustomed to doing the same thing. The example of their elders can provoke a fight. “Hit him back”, “Hit him back”, “Show him who is stronger” (we recommend reading: how to teach a child to fight back when he is hurt?). Adults praise him for his aggression, justify his questionable victories.
  7. Way to be heard. A child under a year and older cannot explain his feelings in words, his loved ones don’t understand him. Out of desperation, he rushes to extremes. From the age of five or six, children can become aware of their actions and talk about the reasons for their behavior.
  8. Regression. An abrupt change of scenery brings back an old habit. Unfavorable circumstances, moving, divorce cause protective circumstances. Some children may start biting their nails, sucking their finger, others cope with stress by fighting (we recommend reading: what to do if a child sucks his fingers?). This is a kind of way to remember the good quiet times.

If a child encounters aggression at home, it also becomes the basis of his interaction with others

What should parents of a brawler do?

When parents of a bullied child are asked what they do with their own child after aggression, they often respond in the same way. Usually bullies are put in a corner, punished or scolded.

Psychologists assure you that the violent method of struggle is of little help and is not constructive. If you decide to punish, it is forbidden to hit the baby in response. You only strengthen him in the rightness of aggression! When it is necessary to scold, it is necessary to say: “I love you very much, but I don’t like this behavior, it upsets me.

The task of the adult is to explain to the child how to solve the problem. You can hug your child, though it is not easy after a bad behavior. You should not keep silent and ignore it; sometimes an emotional and sincere reaction of a parent is better remembered than cold silence.

Developing actions

So what should the parents of a brawler do? When a small child fights, the strategy may be as follows:

  1. The little one should be spared unnecessary tutelage and incessant prohibitions, instructions. It is worth to observe yourself. What actions, words, behaviors lead to aggressive behavior of the child? It is necessary to review the tactics of behavior, then the resistance and anger of the baby will decrease.
  2. It is not recommended to use compromising behavior. If the bullying behavior will be silenced, the child will believe that he/she is right and everything is allowed to him/her. The next time it will be several times more difficult to explain to him why he should not do it. It is worth being consistent.
  3. You should react to the aggressive action immediately. When a remark is made, it should be said in a low, but confident voice. “Stop! Stop it immediately”, “I don’t like it if the child fights and calls names”. It is necessary to clearly and distinctly state a position on this issue.

Advice from pediatricians

How to stop a child from fighting? Pediatrician Evgeny Komarovsky expresses the following opinion: “I have a slightly different attitude as to why children show aggression and how to correct such behavior. In some cases, it differs from psychologists’ advice. I believe that a child’s display of aggression towards adults is connected with the manifestation of certain instincts. At the same time he has another instinct – the child will give in if he sees that the one against whom he is physically influenced is stronger. In this case, you should always respond to any physically aggressive act, such as raising your hand to your mother, with control.

Physical aggression should not be left unpunished. There are many ways to stop the violence, often it starts with a small one and then spills over to an adult. Parents have every opportunity to control the behavior of their children. They are the ones who buy him sweets, turn on cartoons, take him for walks and organize social contacts. When he does not behave the way we want him to, it is possible to limit it. It is necessary to consider that this topic is still psychological and not pediatric. The doctor’s method can be applied or used in other ways, Komarovsky is still more of a specialist in pediatric practice.

Psychological advice

Here is what psychologist Anna Berdnikova advises: “To correctly respond to the aggressive act of your child, you need to listen to your feelings. What do I feel? This is important, as our feelings will help us understand what is really going on. During an aggressive outburst, it is worth listening to yourself. What do you feel? Resentment? Anger and a desire to defeat the little rascal, to show him who is first and foremost here?

It is very important for parents to trace what feelings they have about their child’s behavior

When resentment is felt, you need to figure out what made the baby cause it to you? What’s in his heart? What did you hurt him or do you hurt him regularly? When you feel angry, then between you destructive relationship, there is a struggle for power. In this situation it is important to make the first step to counteract – to stop fighting for leadership. Only by understanding the reason, it is possible to solve the problem with the brawler.

Measures and prevention

What to do if a child fights in kindergarten, at home, on the playground with the neighbor’s children? Recommendations:

  1. Remove negative emotions. Children take the example of the seen pictures and heard words. Often the baby is surrounded by cartoons with fights, then he can take an example from his favorite characters. When you see an aggressive act in a cartoon your kid is watching, you should definitely discuss it. The main conclusion – evil is punished, fighting, swearing only bad characters. Show an example of a good deed, choose a book or movie with a constructive solution to a problem.
  2. Up to 2-3 years old, a child cannot restrain his or her emotions, and his or her feelings are expressed in behavior. It’s not surprising that babies often snatch toys from each other and cry if they can’t get a new object for them (we recommend reading: what should parents do if a child cries in kindergarten?). At this age, the child may swing at mom or tell her “Go away, you’re bad. You need to tell your child that you can’t do that. The child is tired, overexcited, and sometimes it is very difficult for him or her to resist aggressive emotions. Hug him, tell him that you understand his feelings of resentment and want to help.
  3. Apply the method of active listening. Express feelings differently. Help the child make sense of his feelings. Instead of saying, “You’re a bad boy, I’m going to punish you,” say, “You’re angry at Vanya for not giving you the scooter. Surprisingly, spoken feelings can negate an aggressive outburst. It is important for the little one to be understood about his or her feelings.
  4. You shouldn’t be afraid to show your displeasure. By the age of 4 or 5, children understand their parents’ feelings. If a child gets into a fight, you can say “I am very upset by the action, I am sad that my son solves problems this way. When expressing feelings, don’t get into the personality of your child, and talk about your feelings.

Additional tips

  1. There is no need to shout or stoop to a child’s level. In the most difficult situation, do not forget your wisdom and experience.
  2. When a game with a toddler turns into a fight, refuse it. Firmly say “Stop” or “No”. Does the swinging at you continue? Leave him alone. Tell your toddler that the game will continue, but in a quiet environment. Emphasize exactly why you don’t want to play that way.
  3. Do not call your child names or hit him or her back. Scold for the act, not the act itself. “Brawler”, “bad”, “bad girl” and other epithets should be taken out of communication with your child in any situation. It is important to voice only rejection of the act of aggression.
  4. If a tantrum begins, you must insist on your own (we recommend you read: how to react to a child’s tantrums at the age of 2?) When you have already said that it is out of the question, you should not give in to manipulation. Be able to gently defend your position, gradually you can wean your child from fighting.
  5. You should not threaten, call for help from “policemen, angry uncles and aunts. Everyone is familiar with the phrase: “Take him away, we don’t need such a bad kid. This is a strong psychological trauma for emotional development.
  6. It is necessary to celebrate good deeds and behavior. Praise when your son or daughter shared a toy with a peer, kept from hitting, a one-year-old baby did not bite his brother or swing at a friend. Strengthen the positive behavior!

Sometimes children are the victim of brawlers, this case should be dealt with separately. Because of what the child is attacked by peers? Often there are two different children growing up in a family. It is worth considering the temperament of children, the peculiarities of education, the lability of the nervous system. When parents do not cope with a brawler on their own, it is better to contact a specialist for consultation and to identify the causes of aggression.

Clinical and perinatal psychologist, graduated from the Moscow Institute of Perinatal and Reproductive Psychology and Volgograd State Medical University as a clinical psychologist More “

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