Aggressor in short pants
Why kids hit parents, and how to quickly and effectively stop it
The child pinches you, hits, bites, that is? Demonstrates physical aggression? This is a problem, and it should be dealt with as quickly as possible! But before we start to sort things out, let’s agree: child behavior is not bad or good, let’s leave these categories to the grandmothers of the yard. You and I should remember that at the heart of such behavior of the preschooler may be the problems he is experiencing. Only having defined them, we can start to correct the child’s behavior.
So, what can cause a child to be aggressive in relation to a parent or other close adult?
Emotions “blow the roof off”
At the preschool age, the child is very poor at controlling emotions. But he – a living being, with its joys, sorrows, fears, and even anger. The baby is not yet able to demonstrate them correctly, and expresses his anger as prompted by his temperament at the moment. And the easiest action is physical.
Moreover, it may be not just anger – a 3-4-year-old child cannot accurately differentiate emotions, to identify them, and, sometimes, reacts with aggression to boredom or frustration. A rigid ban on emotional actions can lead to a child losing basic life guidelines, and he or she may never learn to identify what state of mind he or she is in. In other words, just banning hitting you and all is not the answer.
Tip: Redirect your child’s attention inside him or herself. Ask him what he is feeling, discuss a particular emotion, and offer other options for its manifestation: draw a resentment, sing sadness, beat a couch cushion, shout your feelings out the window or an empty jar.
There’s no other way!
Maybe for you, it will be a surprise, but sometimes children express in an aggressive form, and quite positive feelings, and even love for you. It is already obvious to him that interactions on a bodily level – hugs, strokes, kisses – are evidence of intimacy between people. Not on the same bodily level, he continues to act to get a little more attention from you. Being left without your attention is scarier for him than causing a negative reaction.
Tip: Unexpected pinching, biting or poking is a clear indication that your child is fighting for your attention. Find out if he wants to play with you now, hug him, tell him how much you love him, kiss him, in short, demonstrate how to properly show affection on a bodily level.
How it goes, and how it goes back.
What happens if you don’t demonstrate correct behavior? Well, then the child will mirror what he sees! If a child often gets their own nuts, they will also raise their hand to their neighbor, and there’s no getting away from that. Both parents and friends can hit the child. Not necessarily the one who raised his hand on the child will be the object of retaliatory aggression, the blows may well be “redirected”. If you are not inclined to assault, and the child has demonstrated such behavior, it is necessary to consider whether he/she has been the object of aggression from someone else. If it is confirmed – again it is necessary to talk about the situation and the emotions he has experienced. And be sure to tell your baby how much it hurts you when he hits you.
Tip: Forget once and for all about physical punishments, even if they are innocent, from your point of view, slaps or pushes. Try to find another way to punish or show your own emotions.
A bad example is contagious.
Moreover, the child may not be the object of aggression himself. It is enough that he witnessed it. Back in the early sixties of the last century, an experiment known as the “Bobo doll experiment”: psychologists Albert Bandura, along with his colleagues Dorothea Ross and Sheila Ross gathered boys and girls with an average level of aggression and divided into two groups. One of them saw an adult showing aggression to a doll, the handler of the second group behaved more naturally. The toddlers, in the presence of whom people behaved aggressively, fairly quickly began to copy this particular pattern of behavior, and the aggression in their display was stronger than that of the role model.
At the same time it was found out that if the aggressor is scolded in front of the child, it creates an educational effect. The child will realize that it is impossible to do so.
Tip: Look for a “bad example”. If all is well in your family, there are no problem families among the child’s friends, then perhaps you should limit viewing movies and cartoons in which one of the characters bullies others with impunity, and do not support a passion for games in which you have to use aggression to win. Alas, your child is too susceptible to such spectacles!
Is it okay to do this?
The child is experimenting. Not long ago he was completely dependent on you, and now he can dress himself, wash, eat, take a toy or refuse to play… He is trying to understand what else the environment will allow him to do, what – no, on what force of influence will agree, and where he will put a barrier. This does not mean that he hits you with the cold curiosity of an experimenter, but when he gets angry, the baby understands that he has a choice and deliberately goes to the extreme interaction. If he meets no resistance, he will try to advance a little further, until he meets confident opposition.
By the way, your leniency in this case is not good for the baby – permissiveness can be just as much the cause of neurosis as endless restrictions!
Tip: It is important how a parent will be able to set the boundaries of what is allowed. Help in this by asking honest questions to yourself: do you like it when a child slaps your hand, even if not heavily? And on a leg or other parts of the body? And if he/she puts to you not a hand, but a foot or some thing? If something displeases you – tell your baby right away, immediately cut it off before he/she does it. You may have to do it more than once, but a drop cuts stones.
Release the energy
Sometimes the accumulated energy takes the form of physical aggression, and it is not necessarily a hyperactive child (though it is them who are remembered in the first place). The preschooler who has to spend a lot of time on mental development, tries to find ways of physical discharge. One of them – the desire to fight, push, kick, and the kid does not want to hurt you, it is a side effect.
Tip: Playing sports, outdoor games – a great way to switch the child from aggression to healthy physical activity. Quickly organize a competition “Who will sit down (push-ups, bends over) more times”. By the way, you will also benefit from a physical minute!
Of course, the reasons for children’s aggression may lie in a completely different plane. The main thing that parents need to remember: to change the behavior of the baby can be attentive to his experiences and emotions and clearly marked limits of permissible.
About children from 4 to 7 years, about children from 1 to 3 years Other articles by the author
How to react if a 2-year-old child beats his mother?
We have been in day care for two weeks and we are on sick leave. My child started to fight, especially if I do not allow something, he comes over and hits me hard or throws a toy, just with anger … Even when something goes wrong, he does the same, the dog can beat … This is how do I react? I explain but it does not work(
A child of this age is learning about himself. It is a normal manifestation. Show that you are hurt, hurt. Emphasize.when someone hurts animals, others. Teach on toys to love, pity. Masha is cold, let’s take pity on her. Masha is sick, let’s feel sorry for her, heal her. Masha was hurt, hit, look how it hurts, she cried, let’s feel sorry for her.etc.
intercept the hand and sternly say “you can’t”. Under no circumstances, do not fight back, or the child will perceive it as a game. explaining at this age, in my opinion, is useless.
My kid also fights, so she lets off steam, her emotions run out because she’s so angry sometimes, but I don’t hit her back, so she’ll never understand that fighting is not good, she’ll just get scared of me.
My daughter sometimes screams that “Mommy is mean!”, stomps her feet, throws things, lets her anger out. how else could she do it? don’t you get angry too?
it’s almost the same with me now if something goes wrong he gets hysterical … I pretend to be offended and do not pay attention … then he kisses me and presses me … so I think ignore it and show that you’re offended
i even talked to my mom about it he doesn’t understand what he wants, i don’t understand anything, you just need to grow out of it
To hit or not to hit – that’s the question… I myself have received so much from an inadequate father as a child, that I do not even want to take a swing at their children. When we had a similar period with our daughter, I grabbed her firmly by the hand (or even both) and told her that this is bad, it is impossible, etc. We learned how to make up during this period (make up, make up, make up and no more fighting, etc.) After this hurtful conversation, we made up, hugged, etc.
Here and I do not want, it seems to me not right to beat such a small, but here many advise … I even tried, but only worse …
If mine starts to hit me, though not too hard, as if jokingly, I pretend to cry, then he comes over, hugs me and feels sorry for me. It is the same with dogs, he likes to spank them. I say: the dog will cry – it works.
Can not hit back, as many recommend here, and pretend that you’re so hurt that even the tears in your eyes (close your eyes with your hands), to stroke the place where he hit, saying that mom is very hurt… You can also add that my mom now has to go to the hospital…
I do not know, but certainly an adult adequate person should not raise his hand on the child.
And in the kindergarten and not that they will teach.
I also made up all sorts of things, I think it will pass with age when he learns to say what he feels.
Definitely punish and suppress such behavior. And what methods of punishment you choose is up to you to decide, it depends on the child’s upbringing methods and beliefs in the family. Some conversations and explanations help, and someone can be given a kick in the butt.
I am also an aggressor, I do not advise hitting back if the child has a strong character as mine, it will only make it worse.
He is protesting against your prohibitions, probably does not talk yet? If he is not talking, talk about his emotions – you are upset that his mother did not allow you to “blah-blah-blah”, so you are angry.
Don’t let him hit you, intercept your hands, saying – no, it hurts me, don’t do that or You what? You can’t hit Mommy, we don’t do that (talk with emotion)
We have outgrown it now, but before 2 and a half I was beaten and bitten, and yelled at me. So patience, you have to show your child by example how to control their emotions, he does not know how to do it himself.
He only started to understand how to fight back after 2 and a half years. Now if he even tries to bite me as a joke, I tell him I will bite you too, and he understands, before that he was only getting hotter trying to fight back
Once Verochka also started to hit the dog, and I slapped her and asked if it hurt you. Does it feel good? That’s exactly how it hurt the dog. You can’t do that!
After that she never fought again and she told the kids on the street that it is not good to fight!
Well, ours doesn’t understand, at first he gets a little frightened if I slap him, and then he comes over and hits him harder.
I would take him firmly by the hand, squeeze him, even if it hurts a little, so that he would feel it. I would get down on the same level with him, eye to eye. And I would tell him, very strictly, that you can’t hit him. That this is what very bad people do, whom no one loves, and you think he is good. Ask him not to upset his mother and show her what a good boy he really is, not a bad boy who beats his mother. If he continues to behave this way, he will be punished very severely. Then let him go and ask him if he has understood everything. If he says that he has understood, then make up, hug him, tell him that you love him very much. And if he starts to fight again, repeat everything all over again. If he doesn’t understand from the third time, then put him in a corner or another punishment which is considered strict for him. When he comes out of the corner, talk to him again.