Why the child at 1 year doesn’t obey?
There comes a time in the life of every parent when their child stops listening. Quite recently, the little helpless lump has already learned to talk, walk and be capricious.
At first it seems that this age is the most difficult, you and your husband sometimes lose their nerve, you wonder what to do, why a child of 1 year does not listen?
Why, despite the parental prohibitions, he still climbs on the window sill or turn on the stove?
But really it’s not that bad. In many cases, you need only change your approach to the problem, and the situation immediately ceases to be just that.
Features of age
Children at the age of 1 are very inquisitive and do not understand rejection or prohibitions. It is hard for them to understand why they are allowed to play with their toy, but not with the phone.
Even at the age of 1, he or she can figure out that broccoli is unpalatable, you can spit it out, you are bored without your mom, you can cry and she will come.
If a child does not listen, is capricious and throws tantrums, you can say he is having a crisis of 1 year.
At 1 year, children are minimally independent:
- They say something, move around freely;
- They explore their surroundings with interest;
- They copy their parents’ behavior – by looking at mom or dad’s manipulations, they realize what actions to perform. For example, how to put on pants or fold a picture;
- В возрасте 1 года дети уже пробуют самостоятельно есть ложкой, пытаются просунуть руку в рукав или ногу в штанину (читайте статью Как научить ребенка одеваться самостоятельно?>>>).
Если за столом ребенок не проявляет навыков самостоятельности, имеет плохой аппетит, кушает мало, посмотрите интернет-курс Едим с удовольствием: возвращаем здоровый аппетит ребенку>>>
Remember! Mastering new skills sometimes leads to changes in behavior. The child may start to show stubbornness, refusing to comply with the parents’ requests.
For example, pushing aside a plate of soup, not going to bathe. Insistence by parents at this point may cause the child to stamp his or her feet, scream or cry and roll on the floor.
This behavior can partially be explained by a 1 year old crisis, but there are other reasons.
Why a 1 year old child disobeys
There are several reasons why a 1-year-old child does not listen, often throwing tantrums and being capricious:
- needs the attention of parents;
- Is sick and can not express his feelings and feelings;
- слышит много запретов в свой адрес (читайте актуальную статью по теме: Почему ребенок не слушается?>>>);
Know this! Prohibitions are considered the most common cause of behavioral changes in a 1-year-old child.
He does not react to the word “you can’t” and keeps climbing on the window sill, biting and pulling someone’s hair.
The child is just not able to understand the meaning of the ban and defends himself from them by throwing a tantrum and being disobedient. He breaks the bans not because of harm, but because of an increased desire to learn about the world.
A 1-year-old child will also react to inconsistent parental actions with a tantrum.
He or she will not be able to understand why yesterday it was possible to tear a book, and today it is impossible. The same is true of disagreements between parents, when the father allows you to take the phone, and the mother does not.
Важно с мужем придерживаться схожих правил в воспитании. Как правильно это делать, смотрите в интернет-курсе Мама и папа: воспитываем вместе!>>>
How parents should behave
A crisis is a kind of development. Everyone goes through an age crisis, and it’s impossible to completely get rid of their negative manifestations. But it is possible to reduce the number of caprices, adhering to the basic rules of parenting:
- Reduce the number of prohibitions;
- If in a house in a prominent place is something that can not be touched, it must be removed in an inaccessible place;
- Wires should be hidden, and the socket is inserted plug, which is difficult to remove;
- Если возле окна стоит диван, по которому ребенок может забраться на подоконник, то его лучше передвинуть в другое место (также читайте статью Безопасность детей дома>>>).
By the way, it is worth trying to distract the child from the forbidden place or thing with something more interesting.
If the distraction does not work, you can physically limit the child’s access to an unwanted place or object. The main thing is to do it calmly and not to be nervous.
Правила общения с годовасиком и как влиять на него без слов, смотрите в новом интернет-семинаре Как справиться с упрямым годовасиком? >>>
- Help your child to be independent;
A 1-year-old child is actively exploring the world around him, he is interested in everything, he wants to touch and examine everything, to understand what this or that action will lead to.
His desire to perform independent action is better not to interrupt. It is only necessary to be nearby and just in case to back up the child.
- Do not be at odds with grandparents;
Extremely difficult situation in those families where grandparents allow everything, and Mom and Dad prohibit.
The child in such a case does not obey his parents. He can fight with them, throw toys, interfere with conversations on the phone or with acquaintances in the street, and also cry and shout loudly.
He needs things to be exactly the way he wants them to be.
В таком случае необходимо вводить ограничения, а самое главное, договориться с бабушками и дедушками придерживаться одной концепции воспитания (читайте статью по теме: Ссоры родителей и их влияние на ребенка>>>).
- If you can’t play with mom’s phone, you can’t play with grandma’s either.
At first, the child will not obey, but if parents will not go to his provocations and remain calm, he will scream and calm down.
- Involve the child in your household chores;
A 1 year old child repeats his parents’ actions.
- If mom wipes the dust, he also wants to wipe the rag on the shelf;
- He should be allowed to help his mother and let his energy go in a useful direction;
- After that, it is recommended to praise the child for his/her assistance;
- It is worth as often as possible let him help around the house. The child will be able to bring or carry something safe, if he asks his mother. For example, a newspaper, magazine or book.
This kind of attitude and participation in household chores makes the child feel important and meaningful. He will not have a need to get into conflicts with you and assert his place in the family.
- Don’t yell or hit your child;
- When a child does not listen, in any case should not raise his hand or shout. After all, he is able to copy these actions after an adult. And he will only become more capricious;
- If a child suddenly throws a tantrum in the street, it is necessary to immediately take him/her home, because he/she will not calm down quickly at 1 year old;
But you should not take him home to give him a punishment, but to calm him down and try to negotiate.
- If a 1 year old child doesn’t listen and cries, he/she is upset about something, it is worth pitying him/her, hugging him/her, saying affectionate words. He should be allowed to show his feelings;
It is important for parents to show their love and remain calm. The child will calm down faster if mom and dad will be gentle and patient.
After all, he will gradually learn to respond calmly to inhibitions, understand what he can do and what he can’t do, and obey his parents.
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A 1 year old child doesn’t listen
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Even the calmest children show character from time to time, trying to defend their opinions.
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Even the calmest children show their temper from time to time, trying to defend their opinions. Others behave in this way almost constantly, ignoring everything adults say. Disobedience often leads to conflicts with parents and others, even dangerous situations. And if the younger children are still possible to “re-educate”, then a teenager to cope much harder. Therefore, experts advise not to let the problem slide, and to understand its causes and try to correct the situation.
Why the child does not listen.
Changes in behavior usually occur in a crisis period in life (1 and 3, 5 and 7 years, the teenage years). This is a kind of transitional period when new abilities appear and the child’s perception of the world changes. The child tries to insist on his own opinion, and if it contradicts the opinion of adults, he most often bypasses it, does not listen.
Dr. Komarovsky points out that the child should ideally be brought up from birth, but not later than 2 years, because the lack of consistent requirements, restrictions and prohibitions often leads to problem behavior from 3-4 years, and then the errors are much harder to correct.
Each age has its own reasons for disobedience, but there are also common prerequisites. Leave the situation without attention, because very rarely everything is resolved by itself, in general, simple disobedience takes extreme measures, and in adolescence the child becomes uncontrollable.
Children 1-3 years old
This period is characterized by demonstrating dangerous behavior and tantrums to get what they want.
Breaking the prohibitions that parents put up to protect the child from danger is the baby’s natural need to learn about the world. No matter how many times his mother said that it is dangerous to grab sharp objects, climb to a height, the child continues to do it, ignoring the bans time and time again. Moreover, the prohibitions cause resentment and sometimes aggression.
The child does not want to get dressed and sit down at the table when he/she is told to do so, screams and fights when they try to take him/her away from the walk. The baby begins to realize that he/she is separate, as a person, to defend his/her opinion, which is why any prohibitions meet with protest and desire to do the opposite, in his/her own way. Most often, by the age of 5, this behavior passes.
If even once a child tries to throw a tantrum, and it succeeded, that is, he got what he wanted, then in the future this method will be applied by all means. If the always obedient child suddenly became naughty, because he/she was not bought something, it is better to leave it without attention, after having explained that with such methods he/she will not achieve anything.
Children of 4-5 years
Generally, 5 years is considered the “golden” age. The child has passed the first transition period, but has not yet reached the second, so most often the baby is docile and obedient. If the five-year-old’s behavior is dominated by protest, it is most likely a matter of attracting the attention of an adult. Perhaps parents spend too little time with the child, rarely praise him, and just do not show emotion.
A 5-year-old child is still very attached to his mother, and it is important for him to feel her love and care. If he does not get it, he tries to do something so that she takes her mind off things and pays attention to him. And the best method is disobedience, because then parents immediately shift all their attention, even if negative, to the child. Very quickly such behavior becomes a habit.
Of course, not everyone can spend time with children around the clock, so you need to talk, explain that, in addition to games, there is work and household chores, which, by the way, they are already quite able to share with mom. Allocate an hour before going to bed for reading books, quiet games and soulful conversations, and on Sunday go to the park.
Children 6-7 years old.
This is the age of the next transition period, when the preschool child becomes a schoolchild. A sharp change of environment (kindergarten to school) and increased stress lead to physical and psychological fatigue. At this point it is important to support the child, to try to help him or her with everything, and not just wave it away, repeating that he or she is “an adult”, “a schoolboy” and “needs to do everything himself or herself”.
Parents often have to deal with aggressive behavior. It is worth thinking about and possibly visiting a psychologist in the following cases:
- if the child is excessively imitating adults (this often happens if the child is overprotected or interacts with children older than himself);
- If the child is rude and teases adults too often;
- if the child ignores any requests and demands, including the most innocuous and natural ones (to wash up, to clean up after themselves from the table, to help around the house);
- The child constantly gets angry, throws things, breaks toys and objects, yells, fights or bites if he/she does not do something well or in response to words addressed to him/her.
Parents should be very restrained, but insistent, to make sure that their request is fulfilled. This should not be done through shouting and punishment, at this age it is quite possible to agree with the child.
A seven-year-old child should be treated as a full member of the family, whose opinion is taken into account and who has the right of choice.
Children after the age of 8 and adolescents
From 8 to 10-12 years, most children are calm and balanced. If any conflicts occur, they are isolated. If it happens systematically, then parents should look for the reason: a change of residence or school, conflicts in the family, divorce of parents, quarrels with friends and others.
With teenagers, it’s more complicated. In adolescence, there is a hormonal restructuring of the body, feelings are heightened, so even a seemingly small thing can cause a storm of emotions, resentment and protest.
The main causes of teenage disobedience psychologists identify the following:
- aggressive behavior of parents or others, conflicts in the family or with classmates;
- The emergence of another child, which, in the opinion of the teenager, is given more time and attention;
- the remarriage of the parents;
- Difficulties in comprehending the school curriculum;
- a heavy school workload and extensive extracurricular activities (social activities, circles and clubs);
- Giftedness or, on the contrary, limited abilities that make a child different from his or her peers;
- the first sympathies and falls in love, the first failures in relations with the opposite sex.
Of course, there are many more reasons, sometimes they are incomprehensible even to the teenager. That’s why it is so important contact with the child, his trust parents.
If the teenager does not listen, you can try to talk to him, the conversation should be without aggression, the child should feel supportive and sincere participation. It is important to look into the eyes, to speak calmly and confidently. It is necessary in any situation, even when the favorite child sasses and snaps back.
If it was not possible to establish contact, it is possible to involve an adult or a peer whom the child trusts, to consult a school psychologist. The most important thing is to find out the reason and eliminate it, without this further action will be very difficult.
It is important for the teenager to be trusted, and not to watch his every move and control every action. If there are reasons for distrust, then some limits are acceptable, for example, temporal (to come home no later than 21.00) or territorial (to know where the child is).
Reasons, typical for any age
Too many prohibitions and restrictions. Rebellion and disobedience is a natural reaction to constant “no”, because it is important for a child to prove his/her importance and independence, and one day he/she will do things his/her own way, in spite of his/her parents.
Inconsistent actions of parents. Often a child is punished for something which, for example, was not forbidden yesterday. Rules and restrictions should be strictly stipulated. If some actions were not stipulated, it means they were not broken, therefore, there is nothing to punish the child for.
Permissiveness. Education on the theory of permissiveness, as well as constant restrictions, leading to the fact that the child, having met a ban from parents, does not take their words seriously.
Different demands from the father, mother, and other relatives. This is encountered quite often. If, for example, the father makes any requirements for the child’s behavior, the mother considers them too rigid and sometimes gives indulgences. This will lead to the fact that sooner or later some of the father’s requirements will be ignored.
Adult non-recognition of the child’s personality. Many parents think that a child of 10 years old and has no more rights than a one-year-old kid, trying to decide everything for him: what costume to wear to school, what clubs and sections to sign up for. As a result, you can get protest behavior, not only on conflictual issues. Trying to assert the right to his or her opinion, the child will run counter to almost everything, and sometimes his or her decisions will be absurd.
Conflict situations in the family. Clarification of relations between adults often occurs in front of the child. Trying to distract adults or somehow pay attention to themselves, children begin to commit at first small pranks which grow into serious misdemeanors. The goal is achieved: the parents are distracted from the quarrel and turn their attention to him.
How to react when the child does not listen
We are talking specifically about disobedience, and not about behavioral deviations (deviant behavior, hyperactivity syndrome). In the latter case, the assistance of a psychologist is indispensable.
If the child shows the behavior dangerous to himself or herself and others, it is necessary to understand that he or she is not always aware of the degree of danger. It is necessary to introduce a system of rigid frameworks, and it is necessary to specify at once why there are such bans. In other words, not just to say that it is impossible to take a knife/snips, to climb a height without adult supervision, but to explain in detail how it is fraught with danger.
To prevent dangerous situations, psychologists advise to use stop-words, hearing which a child will reflexively stop for a couple of seconds. These seconds are enough to prevent trouble. Stop-words in this case should not be the word “impossible”, because the child hears it often and no longer reacts to it, it is better to choose the words “stop”, “stop”, “danger”.
In some cases, you can give the child a sense of why he or she is forbidden to do certain things. For example, if he wants to touch a cactus, you should tell him that it hurts. Most likely, the baby will not obey, so there is no need to stop him, let him touch it. After pricking him and feeling the pain, the next time he will listen to adults.
When parents understand that the child does not obey and does the opposite, thereby protesting, trying to get more freedom, it is worth reducing his/her tutelage and giving him/her the right to choose. Of course, you can’t give him complete freedom at the age of 5, 8 and even 12, but he can choose, for example, how to spend his free time. There are situations when a child really wants to implement some idea that seems absurd. If it is obvious that the prohibition will lead to a conflict, it is possible to let the situation go on its own, let it make the decision and carry it out. Suddenly it will work out. And if not, there will be an understanding that it is necessary to listen to the words of adults.
In situations when a child does not obey and disturbs people around him or her, it is necessary to first explain that there are rules of conduct in public places which cultural people do not allow themselves to break. Most often, at the age of 4-5, such explanations do not help, and the child continues to scream or run, disregarding what their parents say.
Strangers help bring such children to their senses, telling them that it is wrong and ugly to behave this way. Seeing that it is not just the mom who thinks this way, the child calms down. But this doesn’t happen to all children. If the child doesn’t just disobey, and tries to do outrage, you should take him out or take him away completely. This is especially effective when bad behavior occurs in cafes, cinemas and other places where the child is interested.
Important: If parents already started to take the child away after several warnings, to give in to persuasion, to forgive “for the last time” is impossible. Small manipulators perfectly understand that mom in this case doesn’t want to leave, she has already paid for the ticket or the order or something similar. Most likely, in 5-10 minutes he will forget about the promise.
Many parents are faced with the fact that the child ignores them. Often this is not done out of spite. Perhaps the kid was too busy and really didn’t hear the request or couldn’t switch quickly. And some children live in their own world, and adults have to repeat more than once to “pull” them into reality. In some cases, this is one of the signs of autism. This feature is considered a companion of gifted children, who hold many ideas in their thoughts and are not immediately able to distract themselves from them. The child should not be yanked or shouted at, but should be petted, drawing attention to him or herself.
General recommendations for all ages
Dr. Komarovsky believes that the child does not listen in two cases: if from an early age he did not know the prohibitions, or if these prohibitions were too many. In the first case, he will get his way with tantrums at the first “no,” in the second case – trying to defend his opinion.
Here are just some tips that parents have tried out and actually had positive results:
- Reduce the number of bans, prohibit only what is not really allowed. If it is possible to do what the child is asking for, then it’s better to listen to the desire of the child. This is not a bad method, which helps to realize that a ban from parents will follow only when it is really “impossible”, and not every time he asks for something.
- Your words do not need to be repeated many times. It should be accustomed that mom or dad says, warn once or twice. In case of disobedience, a disciplinary measure follows, which should be explained later (we left the playground because you were disturbing other children to play).
- Psychologists advise avoiding the particle NOT in conversations with children, especially young children, explaining that they do not yet perceive it in speech, and they hear words from their mother with NOT as an inducement to action: NOT running – and the baby ran, NOT taking a sharp object – and the child will definitely take it. For the baby to hear, it is better to say “go quietly, you can fall here”, “put the scissors down, otherwise you will cut yourself”.
- During children’s tantrums, there is no point in appealing to reason, the child does not hear anyone at this moment anyway. The best thing you can do is to embrace and calm them, take them away from the place where the tantrum happened, distract them.
- It is very important to be consistent in your demands and always keep your promises. Such behavior of parents serves as an example and teaches responsibility for their words and actions.
- Communication with children should be as much as possible. It is not only doing lessons, but also cognitive and movement games, reading books, visiting exhibitions and other events.
- Moms and dads should prepare that their child is growing up and give him more freedom. At the same time, it is important to be interested in his world and environment, his plans and his progress. For parents, this will be a kind of control, and the child, seeing the sincere interest of adults, will trust them more.
- If the child, regardless of age, does not listen after numerous attempts to establish contact, it is better to visit a child or family psychologist. He will suggest a way out of this situation, give recommendations. It is quite possible that there are more serious reasons behind this behavior, and the situation will only get worse.
Education is not only requirements, but also gratitude, praise and approval. In addition to orders and bans, the child should hear affectionate words addressed to him. Any smallest achievement should be noted, and a fulfilled request should be followed by a “thank you. At the same time, experts warn against too friendly relationship between children and parents, a high probability that the child will take mom and dad as his peers, and then talk about respect is not necessary.
Almost all modern teachers and psychologists agree that physical punishment of a child of any age is inadmissible: it is impossible to reinforce from childhood the feeling that he who is stronger is right. And without harsh treatment there are enough measures of influence, the most effective among which is a temporary restriction, for example, in sweets, entertainment, new games and toys. The main thing here is timeliness. You can not deprive your child of cartoons in the evening, if he had done something wrong in the morning.